Thoughts on NC

[BN1990]

Just wanted to start a thread on your thoughts on NC.

 

For me, i have a hard time understanding it.

 

I was in a relationship for 3 and a half years and then she calls it off.. and seems to be fine not speaking..

We seen each-other nearly everyday and she was always excited to see me and i stupidly took her for granted towards the end.. big regret.

 

Just wondering your thoughts on NC and how can someone be in love and together this long and all of a sudden not in your life? i find it hard to come to...

 

BU 6mths ago

Together 3.5yrs

Age 23/24

 

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

NC is a tool. If you are the one hurting it helps you keep your dignity by helping to prevent you from crawling after the person who dumped you. It also helps you heal; constant exposure to your dumpor is like picking a scab -- you never heal.

 

 

It doesn't work for everybody.

 

 

When I ended a 2+ year relationship which I thought was going to lead to marriage, I asked my stbx for a gradual lessening of our contact. After daily contact I couldn't go "cold turkey." We made a deal of sorts I was allowed to call him every day for a week. He would talk to me about nothing . . . usually the weather because we both avoided the how are you Q . . . .for 1-2 minutes. The next week I had to cut it to 5 days, then 3 . . . we never did the last 2 weeks of 2x then 1x per week.

 

 

It was a very weird way to break up & gradually separate but it worked for us. I doubt it would work for many people. I also was determined to keep my dignity. We only had 1 "why did you do this to me; I want you back" conversation. I took the few breadcrumbs of weather conversations for hearing his voice to ease myself into having him leave my life.

 

 

Because your break up was already 6 months ago there would be no need for you to employ my solution. Presumably your EX is not longer a part of your daily life no matter how much you may miss her.

[BN1990]

NC is a tool. If you are the one hurting it helps you keep your dignity by helping to prevent you from crawling after the person who dumped you. It also helps you heal; constant exposure to your dumpor is like picking a scab -- you never heal.

 

I couldnt do your way, i would see it coming and couldnt deal with it.. if anything it wasnt as such as a cliff drop but i would feel sad doing it that way...

 

 

Although i think now NC doesn't work, the longer time goes on the more she feels like a stranger.... it feels like the BU was the sword piercing and the time that goes by are twists of the sword... Im not sure..

 

Maybe in the future i might look back and think differently

 

But i feel now that we both loved each other, and we were both crazy about each other.. it was just like a cliff drop.. we have had many "why did this happen" conversations and all started by myself...

 

I just dont know how this went from one thing to the other and thats it...

 

She isn't a part of my daily routine directly but i still miss her every day and there isnt a hour that goes by that i dont think of her.... Im incredibly lonely.. i have no family too which makes it a little tougher to deal with not having "love"

 

Ive been in a relationship previously that the "bridge was burnt" so to speak and there was never a chance to ever "go back" on the bridge.....

 

But this case there could be a bit of Grass is greener syndrome and the bridge isn't burnt which confuses me why she wont give me a chance..

 

Im just curious to everyones perception of NC and different cases, so if anyone has one, thanks for the post!

[Ruby Slippers]

She isn't a part of my daily routine directly but i still miss her every day and there isnt a hour that goes by that i dont think of her.... Im incredibly lonely.. i have no family too which makes it a little tougher to deal with not having "love"

I relate to a lot of what you're going through.

 

I broke up with my ex 3 months ago and asked for No Contact. I also still think about him every day, but the amount of time he spends in my thoughts is gradually declining. A month ago I felt some sentimental sadness about things. Now it's mostly realistic acceptance.

 

I don't have much of a family myself, and they're far away, so I mostly consider a few close friends my family. I also get lonely, but I'm learning to live with that, and starting to go out a little more and meet new people.

 

I think the main value of No Contact is that it gets you off the wavelength of dwelling on your ex, as much as possible. Of course you're going to have thoughts of them that bubble up at times from the depths of your mind - nothing you can do about that, and I don't think it's a good idea to suppress those natural thoughts and memories. But with No Contact, you minimize the time you spend dwelling on bits of communication, subtle messages, and so on, and this opens up room for new thoughts, new growth, moving on.

 

This is the time to focus once again on YOUR life, and how you can make it more fulfilling on your own. That's what I'm doing, and though it's not easy, I know it's the right thing to do right now.

[BN1990]

I relate to a lot of what you're going through.

 

I broke up with my ex 3 months ago and asked for No Contact. I also still think about him every day, but the amount of time he spends in my thoughts is gradually declining. A month ago I felt some sentimental sadness about things. Now it's mostly realistic acceptance.

 

I don't have much of a family myself, and they're far away, so I mostly consider a few close friends my family. I also get lonely, but I'm learning to live with that, and starting to go out a little more and meet new people.

 

I think the main value of No Contact is that it gets you off the wavelength of dwelling on your ex, as much as possible. Of course you're going to have thoughts of them that bubble up at times from the depths of your mind - nothing you can do about that, and I don't think it's a good idea to suppress those natural thoughts and memories. But with No Contact, you minimize the time you spend dwelling on bits of communication, subtle messages, and so on, and this opens up room for new thoughts, new growth, moving on.

 

This is the time to focus once again on YOUR life, and how you can make it more fulfilling on your own. That's what I'm doing, and though it's not easy, I know it's the right thing to do right now.

 

Yeah lonliness isnt good when going through stuff like this.. i feel very co-dependent and i wouldnt know where to start with that issue...

 

Now im not saying all is bad, i was a lot worse when this all kicked off... at the end of the summer but getting xmas gifts from her and other things sets the mind crazy and now i really dont want her to become a stranger.. it will hurt more than anything due to the lack of family she was the closest person to me...

 

I know what i need to do... my mind is at war... which probably happens to everyone going through this.. but one side is saying "move on, drop it.. who cares she dumped you" and that is the side that NC works with..

 

Then theres the side that sayes " how could she walk away with all we had, i miss her, i dont want her to be a stranger, dont give up" and that side doesnt work with NC...

 

And its only when im angry i think move on.. which doenst happen often...

[flight E]

No contact is based on human psychology. If you don't feed emotions on your ex eventually whatever emotions were there will die away. Your ex is not special or unique. It's the emotions invested which are intensified with the ex rejection that makes a person feel bad, angry sad etc. You have no choice but to whether the storm. It's good 4 your growth as a human being. The alternative is to lose dignity, become a stalker and eventually harm your ex because of the ex resistance. No rational human being wants this. So pls, nc is the way to go unless u are a sociopath and feel no emotions towards your ex

[pickflicker]

For me, if I break up with someone, or they break up with me, they just need to not exist. As soon add possible. That's what NC is for me.

[BN1990]

. The alternative is to lose dignity, become a stalker and eventually harm your ex because of the ex resistance. No rational human being wants this. So pls, nc is the way to go unless u are a sociopath and feel no emotions towards your ex

 

This is quite extreme, this will never result to that, not ever... Never....

 

I just find it hard letting go .. Its not easy letting something go that might never come back! Thats why i don't understand the situation of dropping everything and walking away with no remorse...

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah lonliness isnt good when going through stuff like this.. i feel very co-dependent and i wouldnt know where to start with that issue...

Do social things and try to make some friends.

 

Why did she break up with you? Is there any chance of reconciliation, or is it over?

[flight E]

Its not extreme most stalkers never tought it will end dat way. They just wanted to win thier love back. That aside, it's not to walk away without remorse you will feel bad and terrible but when you are over it you will be a stronger person

[BN1990]

Do social things and try to make some friends.

 

Why did she break up with you? Is there any chance of reconciliation, or is it over?

 

Yeah i am doing all of those things, and i think less of her that i have been in the past but still finding it tough to come to terms with the loss.....

 

She broke up on the grounds of us being young and experiencing new things (she isn't going to start another relationship for a long time)

I also took her for granted, i thought she would be there and i didnt make her as happy in the last few months, due to many things, mostly my fault and didnt know what i had until its gone....

 

She recently graduated from college too and wants to spend time looking for careers... she goes out a lot and meets her friends nearly every week (of which i had no prob with before or now, I'm genuinely happy she's doing stuff)

 

She said she doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment and she feels bad that she didnt give me a second chance.. but also said we aren't on the same wave length and other things... but the way i feel is... the way i have acted, not grateful, taking her for granted, immature, and amongst other things that i feel that have contributed to me "dropping the ball"... i wouldnt want a future with that person too (the way i was acting)... or even on the same wavelength...(the way i was acting)

 

 

there is a chance at the moment very small... 5% if even.. like i previously said, the bridge most definitely isn't burnt and she cares a whole lot to me and i to her, she got me a gift for xmas and helps me when i need it and other things.. but she found our relationship has run its course ( for now)

 

i got the whole (maybe in the future ) talk

 

I have accepted her decision, like theres nothing i can do... i need someone who wants me as much as i want them, i dont want her back over pity, over any other motive other than she wants to be with me... as much as i do her....

 

so long story short... there could be a chance but its very slim...

 

i just find it hard to deal with NC, i know breaking it wont help, but also neither does NC... im confused...

[pickflicker]

Yeah i am doing all of those things, and i think less of her that i have been in the past but still finding it tough to come to terms with the loss.....

 

She broke up on the grounds of us being young and experiencing new things (she isn't going to start another relationship for a long time)

I also took her for granted, i thought she would be there and i didnt make her as happy in the last few months, due to many things, mostly my fault and didnt know what i had until its gone....

 

She recently graduated from college too and wants to spend time looking for careers... she goes out a lot and meets her friends nearly every week (of which i had no prob with before or now, I'm genuinely happy she's doing stuff)

 

She said she doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment and she feels bad that she didnt give me a second chance.. but also said we aren't on the same wave length and other things... but the way i feel is... the way i have acted, not grateful, taking her for granted, immature, and amongst other things that i feel that have contributed to me "dropping the ball"... i wouldnt want a future with that person too (the way i was acting)... or even on the same wavelength...(the way i was acting)

 

 

there is a chance at the moment very small... 5% if even.. like i previously said, the bridge most definitely isn't burnt and she cares a whole lot to me and i to her, she got me a gift for xmas and helps me when i need it and other things.. but she found our relationship has run its course ( for now)

 

i got the whole (maybe in the future ) talk

 

I have accepted her decision, like theres nothing i can do... i need someone who wants me as much as i want them, i dont want her back over pity, over any other motive other than she wants to be with me... as much as i do her....

 

so long story short... there could be a chance but its very slim...

 

i just find it hard to deal with NC, i know breaking it wont help, but also neither does NC... im confused...

 

Because you still have hope she'll come back, because that's what she said. You need to kill the hope. Consider her 100% gone, consider her dead, consider her abducted by aliens - bottom line, consider her gone for good.

 

Just look at NC like the other person died and you're never going to see them again.

[BN1990]

Its not extreme most stalkers never tought it will end dat way. They just wanted to win thier love back.

 

This will NEVER happen like i said!

Its slightly insulting when you repeat that i could be stalking or develop it.. i am well aware in myself and not a sociopath , i didnt ask an opinion on myself or who i am... i asked some advice on LS in regards to the No contact rule...

 

Although Thanks for the other comments apart from this

[BN1990]

Because you still have hope she'll come back, because that's what she said. You need to kill the hope. Consider her 100% gone, consider her dead, consider her abducted by aliens - bottom line, consider her gone for good.

 

Just look at NC like the other person died and you're never going to see them again.

 

Problem is, she lives 30seconds away... literally... same stores, same bars, same town, same area, same street... im just ranting...

Thanks

[flight E]

Am not in anyway insinuating that you can or would be a stalker. I am just trying to use whatever extreme I can to make you see that you are on the wrong course of action. Apologies if it can across that way. The thing is what might be a simple show of love is considered stalking to the person that does not want it. Right now you are very emotive and regardless of all she is saying when another guy comes along this good hearted girl you are seeing will get rude, insolent and deceptive to you. You chance is to go nc contact at least to clear you own mind.

 

When you get out of this state socialize especially with other girls. You can revisit this issue but for now go nc. It's the only chance you've got

[iouaname]

NC is hard. It's difficult and painful, but I'm of the opinion that it's entirely necessary. That said - I am much more sympathetic towards people breaking no contact than others tend to be. Humans are not robots and sometimes it takes a few burns before we learn what's best for us.

[flight E]

And if she lives so close. Just determine in you mind that it's over am moving on. We are not together any more and nothing I can do will change this. I just have to move on. Once this is you mantra, you will be okay. Start looking for another girlfriend if you up to it

[quillz]

Hi BN1990, I am kind of going through the same thing, maybe we can exchange emails? It's nice to talk to someone who is going through the same type of issues

[BN1990]

Am not in anyway insinuating that you can or would be a stalker. I am just trying to use whatever extreme I can to make you see that you are on the wrong course of action.

 

I was just asking opinions on NC, i have no intention to contact her, i just think there is a "social routine" that when someone breaks up everyone does the same... no shoe fits all... i feel that some of the reasons for the break or even reconciliation were down to social pressure of some sort...

 

it is very hard to explain but i think there is alot of social pressure on my generation.. when people get married, when people party, when this, when that.

And what to do when breaking up plays a part... she feels the pressure of being in a long relationship at our age and i accept that in some way... i just feel if your happy or ... the over all the relationship was good,and just needed some tweaking well thats fine..why not stick with it.. but i feel regardless she would have walked away due to this pressure... this is going off the point...

 

Im just confused with NC that someone could be the biggest person in your life and tell you they love you, then the next day it has changed and still the person who knows me most is turning into a stranger.... but i have played my hand, tried and failed.... so i need to move on independently and become my own person... im not going to contact her, it wont do any good... but it doesnt mean i understand the situation, i just understand she doesnt want a relationship...

[BN1990]

Hi BN1990, I am kind of going through the same thing, maybe we can exchange emails? It's nice to talk to someone who is going through the same type of issues

 

[email protected] you can get me here!

Hope all is well!

[justash-x]

I can totally relate to this! I find it so strange how someone could just cut you off completely when you've been together for a long time, have done so much together and know so much about each other!

[SadNLonley]

I've heard 60 days NC you start feeling better. Not happening for me. Im still a mess over it. I've never had issues in my past with this, but this time I just struggle everyday. He was my best friend one day then poof, he wasnt. That is a hard thing to get beyond. I still find when something happens to me, he's the 1st person I want to reach out to.

[wmplatt]

Problem is, she lives 30seconds away... literally... same stores, same bars, same town, same area, same street... im just ranting...

Thanks

Everything you're saying is pretty much what I'm going through right now. We just broke up a month ago, and it's been really hard on me. She said a lot of the things that your girl did, wanting to discover her career goals, and not feeling it was fair to prolong our relationship because she couldn't give herself entirely to it.

 

 

My issue is that I still live with her. We're both young, I'm 25 and she's 22, and we moved down to North Carolina to go to college and be together. She didn't have a job or money, which is why we're still living together despite being broken up.

 

 

I feel for you man. I know how it is to want someone back, to have your relationship cut out from under you without ever getting a say in it. Like you, no bridges were burned during our breakup; we had a strong relationship, and still have a strong friendship. With that said though, I wish to God at times that I could have the chance to do the no contact route, at least for awhile. Seeing her everyday hurts, because I can't quiet my feelings. I want to cling to her and ask her to reconsider every day. If you have the chance to go NC, then take it. Realize that it doesn't mean the death of your friendship, because a day will come when you will be able to face her and love her just for being your friend. But getting to that point while she is still around is nearly impossible. You still love her, and your feelings won't let you give yourself or her the space you guys need to realize what you both need as individuals.

 

 

Also, I encourage you not to completely give up hope on the chances of getting back together. Just understand that if it happens, it will take time. I dated Colleen in high school, and we broke up for three years. One day, I found her on Facebook and called her up and we realized we still cared about each other. But it took the time apart for us to figure out what we needed. If you give yourself a chance, and her a chance to work things through, you may find in time that you both will realize that what you had is what you both want.

 

 

I wish you the best of luck buddy. Now I need to go try to work on my own advice.

[hippetyhop]

I've heard 60 days NC you start feeling better. Not happening for me. Im still a mess over it. I've never had issues in my past with this, but this time I just struggle everyday. He was my best friend one day then poof, he wasnt. That is a hard thing to get beyond. I still find when something happens to me, he's the 1st person I want to reach out to.

 

Hang in there. It is tough. It was over 60 day before he contacted me the first time and it was still hard. For this time, I'm not expecting him to reach out.

 

I feel the same way you do; although he said he needed me as "just a friend right now, things will eventually fall into place, what will be will be, and this isn't the end" and we all know that means... I told him I was always his friend before his girlfriend. It has been 5 day since I've heard from him, and I think it was the last.

 

We broke up in July and didn't talk until October. We picked up where left off in October, but around November he became more set back in a way. I noticed the changes. I know this man. He told me it was "by design on his part" He waited til Wednesday to give the boot. I knew it was coming, but wasn't fully prepared. I don't think we are ever "prepared".

 

If he ever does come back around, I'm going to just expect him to leave again. So who knows if I'll even accept any future reach outs, unless we have a long talk.

[SadNLonley]

 

We broke up in July and didn't talk until October. We picked up where left off in October, but around November he became more set back in a way. I noticed the changes.

 

Wow, this sounds like me. We broke up 6/25, I reached out to him on our 3 month breakup (9/25) telling him i missed him terribly. We started texting/talking/ and even got together once. We both discussed how much we missed each other, he told me he couldnt imagine being with someone else, he was feeling like he was missing out on the best thing that ever happened to him, blah, blah, blah. Then one month later, he started to act differently and started distancing himself. About 3 weeks after that he tells me he has no feelings anymore and he questioned our whole relationship.

 

Havent spoken since.