tiredofitall2 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I know, it is really my heart that is in turmoil. My brain has actively moved toward divorce through action. The separation, I go to divorce care, never discussed reconciliation in IC, part time job to pay off the little debt I had, living on a much stricter budget. I think I'm still just emotionally sad. With having to be separated for a year there isn't much else I feel I can do. I won't date or even look until we are done. Maybe I've wanted a reason to reconcile that just doesn't exist. I do consider at times trying because of our child. It's a tough decision, I will say though that all that your H is doing is really good. He did screw up big time! But few people go through such lengths to make amends. He's even holfing of until both you and him feel he's a better man! That shows true remorse. A cheater? To me a cheater is a person that allows himself to be defined by this word. But a person that corrects his course after some poor decisions I cannot label as a cheater forever. Some of the betrayed spouses here want revenge on all that stray at some point and for ever want them labeled "a cheater is always a cheater" I don't agree with that at all. People make bad choices, sometimes they pay for the rest of their lives and sometimes they find redemption. Depending why they are married too. Your H has done a lot. I feel that if you D him whoever he marries in the future will get a much better man and seeing all that he has learned, he for sure will not cheat on her. That's my opinion from experience.
Author purplesorrow Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Tired, you are so right. He is doing a lot and I do give him credit for that. I think I just want to know for sure he is acting out of love and not rejection. I know he has abandonment issues. If I knew we were both trying to stay for the right reasons, I would try reconciliation. While I think at this point, I don't think he will stop working on himself. I do think his initial motivation was to not be divorced. I think he has gained more than he ever expected by working on himself. I want a husband, not just a man who is married which is what he was. My pro list for reconciliation is growing, so who knows maybe I will stop being so cautious and risk being vulnerable. I want to be sure I am in a place to really work on it and not punish him or be resentful. I have no desire to ever play cia to his secret agent. Maybe when he feels truly in a place to approach us with confidence, I will be ready too. Thank you for your time. Peace.
tiredofitall2 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Tired, you are so right. He is doing a lot and I do give him credit for that. I think I just want to know for sure he is acting out of love and not rejection. I know he has abandonment issues. If I knew we were both trying to stay for the right reasons, I would try reconciliation. While I think at this point, I don't think he will stop working on himself. I do think his initial motivation was to not be divorced. I think he has gained more than he ever expected by working on himself. I want a husband, not just a man who is married which is what he was. My pro list for reconciliation is growing, so who knows maybe I will stop being so cautious and risk being vulnerable. I want to be sure I am in a place to really work on it and not punish him or be resentful. I have no desire to ever play cia to his secret agent. Maybe when he feels truly in a place to approach us with confidence, I will be ready too. Thank you for your time. Peace. A man will not stay with you to not feel rejected. He is obviously capable of finding a new woman. It is simple, he wants to stay with you because he realized what he did wrong. Most men would at this point have moved on. Many would be dating other women by now, yet he still pursues you. He works on himself and tried to reconcile. Is OK with not being able to have sex (a big thing for men) while all this is sorted out. To me this speaks volumes. Someone here said that "We all make mistakes and bad choices, what we do afterwards is what defines us" He has done more than I have ever heard any other WS do in this forum. It's like he read some very good books on reconciling after an affair. Men have a lot less to lose if they walk away. He can always start over with a new woman, yet he chooses to try and save his marriage.
Wheretogofromhere387 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Good evening all, On 1/20/14 I found nude pic's on my husband's phone. He to denied that there was an affair (internet) but the pic's were sexual in natural. This is also not his first internet affair. I know some people don't think it is the same, but you have to understand that I have not had a sexual relationship with my husband in 13 years (ED). He refused to go to counseling or seek medical treatment until last year. At which time he saw a counselor and had an implant. I asked him for a divorce in December 2013, because I want a physical marriage not one in name only. He begged me to go to counseling to see if we could work things out. Two days later he is chatting with this women and it has been going on since before we went to counseling. I have been married for 25 years and I don't know if I can forgive him. I hurt and I have been crying all day, my heart says stay and work on things, but my mind is saying things are not going to change, get and get out now.
Wheretogofromhere387 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 No, he hasn't asked me on a date yet. He told his mom he is still working on becoming a better man, someone he thinks I would be interested in dating. I'm still working on myself as this is a lot to recover from. I do think if we continue as we are without any work on 'us'. We will both move to a decision to divorce because it is easier. Abscence has not made my heart grow fonder. I really do want to do what would be best for all 3 of us. Thank you for taking time to respond to me. I haven't told my family because I didn't feel it was my place and it would break my dad's heart. It is nice to get other's perspective. How are you doing? How are things working out for your family?
Author purplesorrow Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Hi Whereto....things are still the same. I feel it is just a dealbreaker for me. It is a lot to overcome just to stay with the one who inflicted so much pain. How are you?
Author purplesorrow Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Thank you Seaviews. I am glad that you are in a better place. I do hope it works out. We were actually doing the marriage fitness when he started cheating! We would go to a marriage retreat every year. He let me believe we were working on us while he was secretly destroying us. That is so devious and cruel to me.
Recommended Posts