solostand Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday (sadly I have a psychiatrist). The subject of MM came up and specifically MM's wife. I told him of all the red flags that have appeared before her and how she is suspicious about me and knows my name and that I have been on her radar for quite some time now. He suggested that she knows, but she is in denial and simply does not want to know. He felt that if she really wanted the truth, she could easily uncover it, especially with today's technology. Is this a thing? Why? 2
hippetyhop Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday (sadly I have a psychiatrist). The subject of MM came up and specifically MM's wife. I told him of all the red flags that have appeared before her and how she is suspicious about me and knows my name and that I have been on her radar for quite some time now. He suggested that she knows, but she is in denial and simply does not want to know. He felt that if she really wanted the truth, she could easily uncover it, especially with today's technology. Is this a thing? Why? Denials is all around. She doesn't want to face the realities; nor do some of us OM/OW. Who wants what they think is perfectly good known to them its a fraud. 6
Nothisgirl Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't ...either way you don't know how you would react in her position... When I was the BS in my marriage I confronted WH immediately..that said some people are content to turn the other cheek and continue status quo. I've often wondered the same thing about xmm's W, but another poster on here reminded me that Its quite possible he is not being truthful about the dynamics at home ... I guess my point is that you really never know And, if I could make a very gentle suggestion...use your sessions to work through your issues not to try and decipher why the W of your AP does what she does (or doesn't do in this case) if you really cared about how she felt you'd stop the A. Not judging..I'm living in a glass house however a lot of the fog has lifted for me and I'm so thankful for the LS posters who gave it to me strait. Best of luck. 4
Author solostand Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 You are right I guess. We also discussed a plan of action to get over my obsession with MM.
TaraMaiden Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 In denial could also be 'in fear'. She may suspect, but actually be fearful of the outcome....
Snipercatt Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 A friend of mine once said, "Never try to figure out what someone is thinking; you will be wrong". 6
anne1707 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I have to say that I am not very impressed with a psychiatrist who tries to diagnose/analyse someone they have never met especially when based on things said by a layperson who is also an interested (and potentially biased) party. 11
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Although I agree with that it might be that he is just using perception or intuition - meaning that with all of the information he has available to him it appears that she probably knows. And, yes, denial definitely exists in many of these situations. I think it definitely was that way for my xmom's bs for a long time before she decided to really confront. When I look back it was scary for her - she was pregnant with their second child and was in a very fragile state - she really didn't want to know but ended up uncovering it anyway. With my husband, I really didn't sent to know either - I saw things, I uncovered things but I didn't want to confront. There just came a point in time when I couldn't take it anymore and had to. Yes - denial exists. But the other side to this is "never make assumptions". One of the four agreements. It is something to live by. 1
GatsbyMH Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 It definitely is possible. My AP told her husband that I am her soul mate and the other half of her. She asked him if she could have sex with me (he said no...lol). He found an email from me to her that she convinced him that she was writing love letters from herself to herself pretending to be me. If that's not what denial I don't know what is. He found texts on her phone with us declaring our love for each other. He told her to pick me or him and she defied him and said she wasn't losing me from her life. She disappears every Tuesday morning for time with me and it's the only time he doesn't know exactly where she is at. She says she is just having "me time". He knows where I live, he could easily cruise by but he doesn't. He is in deep denial. I think he knows what's coming but is just too afraid to confront her because he knows he will lose out. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 It definitely is possible. My AP told her husband that I am her soul mate and the other half of her. She asked him if she could have sex with me (he said no...lol). He found an email from me to her that she convinced him that she was writing love letters from herself to herself pretending to be me. If that's not what denial I don't know what is. He found texts on her phone with us declaring our love for each other. He told her to pick me or him and she defied him and said she wasn't losing me from her life. She disappears every Tuesday morning for time with me and it's the only time he doesn't know exactly where she is at. She says she is just having "me time". He knows where I live, he could easily cruise by but he doesn't. He is in deep denial. I think he knows what's coming but is just too afraid to confront her because he knows he will lose out. Wow - that's all I have to say. It's possible he will lose out but it is likely you will lose out. Be careful - he might just be gathering a lot of evidence. You seem rather smug and self-assured.
whatatangledweb Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 She may have red flags so she asked her husband. He tells her very convincing lies. She trusts him and he tells it in a way that sounds truthful. Wives want to believe their husbands because they trust them. It does not always have to do with any kind of denial. Look at how they lie to the OW and they believe them. When you trust people you let small things slide. Why would your spouse lie to you? He never has before. What then happens is too many flags go up and things do not make sense when he tells you the answers to your questions. Then you second guess him. Sooner or later she will get the one hit that he can not deny and d day happens. Most of us can look back after d day and say "why did I believe that? Why didn't I see that ? " . That happens because the trust is gone. 1
MissBee Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) All people engage in denial to lesser or greater extents. Denial happens when you're not ready to face the truth about a particular thing as it's too hard to face. Yes, some BS's may be in denial, although I don't know the details of these red flags and suspicions so cannot say for certain if this is denial. As sometimes OW/OM have this weird type of logic that the BS must know but is in denial...it's very odd...not sure what that is? Fantasy? Hopeful projection? I don't know...but lots of APs have convinced themselves that the BS does know but doesn't care or is turning a blind eye. This is a common accusation that soothes the guilty conscience I guess. Some BS's live in denial for sure, i.e. my mom, not about my dad's affairs, but denial that he was who he was (a serial cheater) who won't change. Other times OW accuse the BS of being in denial when based on the "evidence" it is only obvious to the OW because she KNOWS the MM is cheating but to his wife who is used to him and has a life as well some of these "big clues" aren't that obvious at all or can easily be explained away by any number of other things. Likewise some OW live in denial too. Example MM keeps pushing back the date of when he's leaving and it's been 7 years and there is no sign he is going anywhere or has ever uttered the word divorce aloud much less asked for one and she herself has admitted this, yet stays and still hopes he will leave if she waits one more week, month, year....that's denial too. In both instances the truth is too hard to accept so denial is a defense mechanism that protects us until we're ready to process and handle the truth. Edited January 19, 2014 by MissBee
Allumere Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Best quote IMHO from the movies "never underestimate the power of denial". Been there as the wife....but the minute I stopped denying, every action became very logical and calculating in gathering evidence and it took me no time at all. 2
Speakingofwhich Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 She may have red flags so she asked her husband. He tells her very convincing lies. She trusts him and he tells it in a way that sounds truthful. . I would think it's probably this as watw wrote.
MuddyFootprints Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Yeah, it's most likely his denial more than hers.
GatsbyMH Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Wow - that's all I have to say. It's possible he will lose out but it is likely you will lose out. Be careful - he might just be gathering a lot of evidence. You seem rather smug and self-assured. I am in no way smug or self-assured. I wish I was. I lay awake every night worrying that she won't leave him. She says she will and I believe her. But the doubt in me always comes creeping back to deprive me of sleep and peace of mind. I am in no way taking her coming to me for granted. It's something I have to fight for.
cocorico Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday (sadly I have a psychiatrist). The subject of MM came up and specifically MM's wife. I told him of all the red flags that have appeared before her and how she is suspicious about me and knows my name and that I have been on her radar for quite some time now. He suggested that she knows, but she is in denial and simply does not want to know. He felt that if she really wanted the truth, she could easily uncover it, especially with today's technology. Is this a thing? Why? Denial can run very deep. My H told his then-BW that he was in love with another (me) and that he planned to leave her as soon as he found a suitable place for him and the kids. She laughed in face and told him not to be ridiculous, no other woman could possibly be interested in him. Even once he left, she was convinced he would come limping back with his tail between his legs. Even a finalised D and his subsequent reM could not quite convince her that he was actually done with her. "There are none so blind as those who will not see". 1
goodyblue Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Denial can run very deep. My H told his then-BW that he was in love with another (me) and that he planned to leave her as soon as he found a suitable place for him and the kids. She laughed in face and told him not to be ridiculous, no other woman could possibly be interested in him. Even once he left, she was convinced he would come limping back with his tail between his legs. Even a finalised D and his subsequent reM could not quite convince her that he was actually done with her. "There are none so blind as those who will not see". Nevermind.
Author solostand Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 The more I think about it the more I think she knows but does not want to face it - yet. His adult daughter told him "Mom thinks you have a girlfriend" over Christmas. His adult son has looked up my profile on Linkedin. She noticed his cell phone minutes were eight times her cell minutes. She also noticed his phone had many minutes used while he was hospitalized, and wondered who he was calling from his hospital bed. Since both phones are in the company name, I believe she could easily look up his account and see where all his minutes are going. She met me visiting him in the hospital. In September, she got drunk and told him if he was having an affair, to stop, and if he was thinking of having one, do not start. Her best friend warned her that people thought something was going on between us. I phoned his cell phone once when they were on a trip and she answered. She phoned back. I did not answer but her message was "I'd like to know who Solostand is." The same number has showed up on their home phone on more than one occasion. She has phoned his cell phone many times when it has been turned off. She has always asked him why his phone is turned off. As far as gathering evidence, she has had ample time to gather evidence and confront. The affair has been going on for 15 months. My hypotheses (and its only a guess) is that she's hoping the thing will blow over. His general response when asked is "I'm an old man! Who would want me?"
MuddyFootprints Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 And he could just as easily admit it, could he not? 2
anne1707 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 So assuming she knows, he must have said or done enough to make her stay in the marriage. There is enough there for him to take advantage of and come clean about the affair yet he doesn't. I.e. He is not planning on leaving her and the marriage. So not only does she have enough evidence about the affair, you also have enough evidence to show that he is quite happy for things to carry on as they are and not end the marriage. It seems to me that you are in exactly the same position as his wife - used and disrespected. Is this really what you want for yourself?
waterwoman Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 And he could just as easily admit it, could he not? Quite. Why should she need to guess?
Author solostand Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 The funny thing is I don't feel used or disrespected. I feel loved and cherished. I'm not even sure I would want him full time. I did go into this with eyes wide open, knowing he was married. He did not try to hide it. I also know without a doubt that he loves me. Right now, that's ok for me. When its no longer OK, I'll change it.
MissBee Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 So let's say she is in denial....so what? I'm not being rude here, just trying to figure out what that is supposed to mean for you. There has to be a reason why you care about this...what is it? At the end of the day though, you're still in a relationship where you have to spend lots of head space worrying about what your bf's wife knows or doesn't know and whether or not she is in denial. You don't know for sure if she's in denial but we know for sure you're thoroughly concerned about her and her state of mind.
Author solostand Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 It just means I might avoid a Dday. I hear they are quite traumatic. 1
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