kishamisha Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Im 31 years old this year. I met someone online (on a matrimonial site) when i was 29. He knew i liked him and we clicked ok. So when he asked me to be his (he made this lovely video asking me this), I said yes. But that was it. 2 to 3 months just flew by and h would not try and talk to me or get to know me better and he would constantly do his disappearing act. He also has all his exes on fb and he is a total social media guru. There are many women he follows on instagram and facebook. Half the time im wondering if these women are anyone he has had a fling with. My mom told me that sometimes all these things dont mean anything as some men like looking at pretty things. He lives and thrives in this cyber world. He also used to disappear on me all the time for days and days. up to 2 weeks in the initial stages and i would drop off the face of earth too.There was once when he disappeared on me and i found out that he had gone to some show with one of exes. They both are arty fartsies and the design community where he comes from is kinda small. when his and her pictures were all over instagram and facebook, i felt very hurt. We talked about it and he tried to stop going out with that ex gf of his. He told me he does not want to be with her and that when they were together for all of 2 months she was mean and demanding. This man is 34 years old and runs his dad business, he has no savings or salary because his dad doesnt pay him and he uses a credit card for his purchases. He also has serious esteem issues where he feels he is not attractive and overweight. He loves his divorced sister's 5 year old son very much and tries his best to be a parent for the child because the sister (now remarried) lives and still lives in the UK. So things became smoother after we talked more often and he tried to make things work between us by skyping daily and he would call too. There were times id get really upset because he would pinterest or chat with somebody else while i was talking. Thing is i never do feel like he really listens. The impression i get is he is not interested in anything about me or that surrounds me except for what happens in his world. He is a website designer too and I am setting up my own business at the moment. I asked him to do up my site for me and he never ever got down to it. This further makes me feel like my success or failures are nothing to him. Makes me sad but i can handle it because I am a very independent person. I have always paid for everything I have touched. Even my education. This man has Hypothyroid and Type 2 diabetes and since he struggles with his moods and this affects his productivity at work and he makes alot of derogative language of himself. So i started reading up on his health condition and i realised that w.o proper care and food he is prone to depression and his moods are not going to help him. So i started telling him what to eat and what not to eat. He also has been in an emotional abusive relationship with his father and he tries his best to be a filial son by doing his best. His father makes things worse by slaving him and wants him to run his business forever without ever paying him. I feel that this is a huge blow on a grown man's ego. His family (we both are of Indian heritage. He is Pakistani and I an indian) so i take it upon me to cushion him whenever he is down and i egg him on and cheer him forward. It is very very very tiring. Some of my family and friends tell me that at his age there is no redemption and i refuse to buy this because i want to believe there is a way out for this man. My sentiment is this; we are people who operate with a mind. We are not a tree. Mindless and you know just existing. All i really care about is whether this man loves me back or not? So last year because we were in an exclusive relationship, i did not even casually meet other men and i rejected atleast 10 other interests. My hands were full anyways. He also has had very turbulent relationships who he maintains as friends or aquaintances on fb. Women who crushed his heart for stupid reasons and not respecting what he brought to the table. He is (without all that defences) a truly beautiful being. Sensitive. Kind. Loving. Soft. Smart. Funny and very easy to love. But i feel that i mean nothing to him. He calls daily. We havent been skyping much past month because his sister got married and you know weddings are stressful and stuff and she did not treat him too well during this phase and even took her son away (who she wanted to leave behind during the wedding). I believe he was crushed. I could see it but i could not help him . We live very far away. Everytime i see him suffering I want to help him but he refuses to let me in. I just am there. He has not even up to date sent me straw. He never says he loves me. He never does anything that makes me feel special or loved. I often forget that i have needs too and i once looked at a gay couple aching for what they had. And when i talk to him about all this, its gets pretty dramatic with me breaking down hysterically all the time. Me crying frustrates him and he says it makes him feel lousy but he will after a while of arguing take off. I feel very lonely in this relationship. And i dont know why i am in it. I find it hard to let go of him after watching his torments and struggles. Anyway now he is under pressure to get married and he is planning to take off and study design in another country. He already has 2 degrees and i don't believe he needs this and i suspect its him running away from the pressures in his life. He also told me that he is dragging me down and he feels guilty. He told me to start seeing other men. Everything feels like a stab.I feel very very sad. He cant see me and i feel pathetic. I dare not even take any intiative with him anymore because i worry if it makes me look like my world revolves around him. I am struggling to stay afloat. He also initially refused to take down the matrimonial site initially citing that he needs it for security. When i threatened to break up with him he got it down. I feel very sad and lonely and lost. He told me he is coming this month to see me. I saw his visa approved and he told me he just doesnt know how to tell his dad about it. He promised me he will come no matter what though. I need advise. I need to know what the real situation is. I am consumed by everything. I cant take advise from normal relationships. Ours seem very burdened. I always try to do the right things and i believe in integrity. I cant bring myself to leave him because he is not in his best of health and when no one really seems to care for him or his happiness. I believe there is hope for everyone. But i need his love in return. Thing is i don't know if he loves me.
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Im 31 years old this year. I met someone online (on a matrimonial site) when i was 29. He knew i liked him and we clicked ok. So when he asked me to be his (he made this lovely video asking me this), I said yes. But that was it. 2 to 3 months just flew by and h would not try and talk to me or get to know me better and he would constantly do his disappearing act. He also has all his exes on fb and he is a total social media guru. There are many women he follows on instagram and facebook. Half the time im wondering if these women are anyone he has had a fling with. My mom told me that sometimes all these things dont mean anything as some men like looking at pretty things. He lives and thrives in this cyber world. He also used to disappear on me all the time for days and days. up to 2 weeks in the initial stages and i would drop off the face of earth too.There was once when he disappeared on me and i found out that he had gone to some show with one of exes. They both are arty fartsies and the design community where he comes from is kinda small. when his and her pictures were all over instagram and facebook, i felt very hurt. We talked about it and he tried to stop going out with that ex gf of his. He told me he does not want to be with her and that when they were together for all of 2 months she was mean and demanding. This man is 34 years old and runs his dad business, he has no savings or salary because his dad doesnt pay him and he uses a credit card for his purchases. He also has serious esteem issues where he feels he is not attractive and overweight. He loves his divorced sister's 5 year old son very much and tries his best to be a parent for the child because the sister (now remarried) lives and still lives in the UK. So things became smoother after we talked more often and he tried to make things work between us by skyping daily and he would call too. There were times id get really upset because he would pinterest or chat with somebody else while i was talking. Thing is i never do feel like he really listens. The impression i get is he is not interested in anything about me or that surrounds me except for what happens in his world. He is a website designer too and I am setting up my own business at the moment. I asked him to do up my site for me and he never ever got down to it. This further makes me feel like my success or failures are nothing to him. Makes me sad but i can handle it because I am a very independent person. I have always paid for everything I have touched. Even my education. This man has Hypothyroid and Type 2 diabetes and since he struggles with his moods and this affects his productivity at work and he makes alot of derogative language of himself. So i started reading up on his health condition and i realised that w.o proper care and food he is prone to depression and his moods are not going to help him. So i started telling him what to eat and what not to eat. He also has been in an emotional abusive relationship with his father and he tries his best to be a filial son by doing his best. His father makes things worse by slaving him and wants him to run his business forever without ever paying him. I feel that this is a huge blow on a grown man's ego. His family (we both are of Indian heritage. He is Pakistani and I an indian) so i take it upon me to cushion him whenever he is down and i egg him on and cheer him forward. It is very very very tiring. Some of my family and friends tell me that at his age there is no redemption and i refuse to buy this because i want to believe there is a way out for this man. My sentiment is this; we are people who operate with a mind. We are not a tree. Mindless and you know just existing. All i really care about is whether this man loves me back or not? So last year because we were in an exclusive relationship, i did not even casually meet other men and i rejected atleast 10 other interests. My hands were full anyways. He also has had very turbulent relationships who he maintains as friends or aquaintances on fb. Women who crushed his heart for stupid reasons and not respecting what he brought to the table. He is (without all that defences) a truly beautiful being. Sensitive. Kind. Loving. Soft. Smart. Funny and very easy to love. But i feel that i mean nothing to him. He calls daily. We havent been skyping much past month because his sister got married and you know weddings are stressful and stuff and she did not treat him too well during this phase and even took her son away (who she wanted to leave behind during the wedding). I believe he was crushed. I could see it but i could not help him . We live very far away. Everytime i see him suffering I want to help him but he refuses to let me in. I just am there. He has not even up to date sent me straw. He never says he loves me. He never does anything that makes me feel special or loved. I often forget that i have needs too and i once looked at a gay couple aching for what they had. And when i talk to him about all this, its gets pretty dramatic with me breaking down hysterically all the time. Me crying frustrates him and he says it makes him feel lousy but he will after a while of arguing take off. I feel very lonely in this relationship. And i dont know why i am in it. I find it hard to let go of him after watching his torments and struggles. Anyway now he is under pressure to get married and he is planning to take off and study design in another country. He already has 2 degrees and i don't believe he needs this and i suspect its him running away from the pressures in his life. He also told me that he is dragging me down and he feels guilty. He told me to start seeing other men. Everything feels like a stab.I feel very very sad. He cant see me and i feel pathetic. I dare not even take any intiative with him anymore because i worry if it makes me look like my world revolves around him. I am struggling to stay afloat. He also initially refused to take down the matrimonial site initially citing that he needs it for security. When i threatened to break up with him he got it down. I feel very sad and lonely and lost. He told me he is coming this month to see me. I saw his visa approved and he told me he just doesnt know how to tell his dad about it. He promised me he will come no matter what though. I need advise. I need to know what the real situation is. I am consumed by everything. I cant take advise from normal relationships. Ours seem very burdened. I always try to do the right things and i believe in integrity. I cant bring myself to leave him because he is not in his best of health and when no one really seems to care for him or his happiness. I believe there is hope for everyone. But i need his love in return. Thing is i don't know if he loves me. Without sounding judgmental, how can you agree to marry a complete stranger whom you have never ever ever ever ever met in real life? The thought alone scares the daylights out of me, but considering the divorce rate in marriages, I guess it's all a gamble anyway. You sound like this is for business so I suppose with that in mind, the "risk" is worth the reward. He doesn't sound like he is in the position to be married. The feminists will get me for this comment but I believe the man is supposed to be the main provider and backbone of the family. At 34, why does he need permission to go see you? All he needs to do is say he's going to XYZ place during X time and give a trusted friend all of your details because you are a stranger. He has way too many issues and I guarantee he is getting his rocks off with local women. He sounds like a total loser. You are out of your mind for putting your life on hold for 2yrs for a man you met online. If neither one of you cannot afford to see each other then you don't need to be pursuing an LDR. You hang on to his every word and make excuses for him rather than objectively looking at the situation and think, hmmmm, does this sound logical? I don't know about yours, but my heart is very precious therefore I am very selective about whom I invest it in. This sounds like a pipe dream. If you are looking for a come up just to escape your country, it's unethical but suits putting up with this web of lies. I somehow get the feeling he is just stringing you along so find another suitor that is actually serious because he clearly is not. Most men are practical so he never says he loves you because HE DOESN'T. I believe people can love each other before meeting but that's the exception and not the rule. He told you to date other men because his conscience is catching up with him. I couldn't personally be that invested in a stranger. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a gf in the UK. The European culture is very relationship oriented. Makes me miss living there now that I'm ready for one. Anyway, I digress. Just move on!
justwhoiam Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I'm not sure if you ever met this man? I can't think of spouse shopping online... In the 20th century (and probably even before that), marriages without ever meeting before were possible and not that uncommon in Western countries, women were asked to go to the 'new worlds' (America & Australia), even after one mail exchange. Chances are many of those marriages were not built on love. Women could also move domestically to more industrialized areas, where the men were working. But times were different. Women had no rights and usually totally dependent on men. Those were like boss-subordinate relationships. If he visits you in a month or so, have a serious talk with this guy. First, see if you click with him in real life. If you're attracted to him. Look for possible red flags. See how he behaves in standard situations, and especially with you. Keep in mind that if you spend only a few days together, it could be like a honeymoon, so it wouldn't be comparable to a daily routine. Therefore, you might only see his best side. Be very honest with him. If your drive for him is not off the roof, let him go. It wouldn't be a good start. Plus add up to that all his health problems, his moods, the fact that he didn't cut the cord yet at age 34, he's financially dependent on his father, has no balls (pardon my French...) In short, think it over well before dragging into this.
FitChick Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Doesn't she have another thread about this but under a different user name? Story sounds awfully familiar.
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