I am second banana in my boyfriend's life...first is his son

[jimenarocker]

Hi there! I'll just start off by saying I'm new, I've lurked around here a couple times looking for some insight but I haven't found anything pertaining to my own situation yet...which has led me to this.

 

 

(warning: I ramble! I honestly won't mind if nobody replies or whatever, I just really needed to vent and maybe someone will read this one day who happens to be close to my situation and maybe gets something out of it!)

 

 

Some background: I'm a 23 yr old female. I started dating my boyfriend (35 yo) last year in January (we just had our 1 year anniversary!), he's a very nice guy, financially responsible, has a job, is respectful to me, and is a very positive person like myself. The positivity (and his smile) is what drew me to him in the first place.

 

 

We met online and chatted a little bit over email and then text before actually meeting in real life. This was my first real relationship as an adult (I'm super shy and an introvert), and it was my first time really feeling confident about myself in terms of how I looked so of course I was really cautious about meeting him (public place, no way I could be taken advantage of!), we showed each other our photo ID's and everything, etc...so on our first date we learned more about each other, turns out he had a son.

 

 

I knew he had a son, he'd told me before, but at this point in the relationship I was kind of assuming, "well hey this guy's much older than me it's probably not going to go very far, I really just want to try this because I do feel attracted to him" so I shrugged it off and accepted the fact he's got a 6-yo son. No big deal, the son doesn't live with him or anything and the relationship with the mom isn't hostile, I view that as probably the best situation for the kid if things didn't work out between them.

 

 

Anyway, so I was a good skeptical girl and figured we were going to go on a couple dates, I'd get laid again eventually, and he'd probably lose interest once he realized I was kind of boring (I like boring thank you very much, I like being stable in my work and my life!) because most people I've known are like that, so I figured I would never have to worry about dealing with the kid.

 

 

Wrong! I know I know, shame on me for not seeing that coming, I get it. Btw right after we started dating my parents decided I was awful for dating an older guy and that it was probably best for me to move out so they wouldn't have to hear about any 'issues' later on. That still stings but I can't dwell on it, I'm happy for the most part; I didn't even lose them as a support system because we've never had that kind of relationship in the first place...it still really hurts though, I can't deny that, but that's why I'm here and not telling them this stuff...I can't. It'll be like I lost some game I wasn't even playing.

 

 

Things turned out to work really well between me and my boyfriend, we both work and do our thing, then we hang out after work and just...talk, listen to each other, and do fun things together. Really, we work out pretty good for the most part!

 

 

But then about 7 months into the relationship I'd spent the night at his house and the next morning, naked and in his bed, his son shows up at his door because it's their day. This wasn't like 10am on a lazy Sunday this was 6am on a Saturday, I was highly unprepared for it and had been under the impression the kid was going to come later. So naturally my boyfriend distracts while I sneak into the bathroom, put on clothes, try and look decent, and have a panic attack because I do NOT want to meet someone like this, especially someone who's really important in my boyfriend's life.

 

 

Yet somehow I did, and almost immediately I got vibes from the kid that he did not like me, which is fine! I get that I'm some strange lady whom he'd never met but just happened to be hanging out at his dad's house. I tried to be nice though, I said hi and introduced myself...and the kid hid behind the sofa. I know I might sound a little rough but I'm pretty much the nicest most pleasant person ever in person, so I was a little caught off guard...I mean, I suck at handling kids, I've babysat before and it's never ended well (accidents, tantrums, etc.)...I just don't have that touch yet I guess?

 

 

Needless to say, I scooted out of my boyfriend's house ASAP, he apologized and everything because he didn't know the kid's mom was going to be there so early, but I was still mad about the whole situation just cos I was so unprepared for it. I mean I know it probably would've been the same otherwise but it would've been nice to have had time to make myself look presentable.

 

 

That was the one and only time I've seen my boyfriend's son, and I'm not excited to do it again even though I know it frustrates my boyfriend cos I know he thinks it would be cool if all 3 of us could coexist (that way he wouldn't be spreading himself so thin, I totally get that, I really do!). I can't do that yet though...I know I'm being selfish, I know I'm being a brat, but I'm 23. I don't have that yearning for babies or anything yet (boyfriend knows this, he's def ok with me not wanting kids), and the way I view it, his son's mom has already had multiple boyfriends in her life since the kid was born and forced the kid to coexist with all of them.

 

 

Their son is going to have an endless parade of strangers in his life already, and I honestly feel like this hurts him in the end. The way I see it, having random strangers in his life gives him mixed signals-'be respectful of this adult but there's no real reason behind it since it's not permanent and I myself will not respect this person later on when we break up' (so what does that tell him about following rules? You need to give people reasons to do things, not just cos...). Plus, I've almost ALWAYS had temporary people in my life, I meet someone and then it's like they're cursed, they almost always move within a year. This breaks trust in people, and I feel like letting this kid go through so many random people so early in life is probably damaging, and I know that's not true in all cases but that's how I feel and that's what I've seen in my peers who grew up with that situation, they tend to just 'tolerate' others, not actually try to get to know them on a personal level. Crazy or not, I don't want to be part of that!

 

 

I also don't want to be a second mom, mostly because he definitely does not need a second mom. He has 2 capable parents who love him dearly and an extended family, which is fantastic in this day and age! I'm honestly proud of my boyfriend for actually wanting to see and take care of his son (where I'm from, this doesn't seem typical). I'm glad he's taking responsibility for his child, and that his child is number one in his life.

 

 

My problem though is that I'm number 2 then, and I always will be. There will never be a chance for me to be number 1 because the son was there years before me, and that's how it should be. Blood is thicker than water, right? But...I'm still 23. This is literally my first big real relationship and I didn't even get to start out as number 1 in somebody's life, so essentially I'm wasting my twenties. I knew all this coming into the relationship and I have only myself to blame, but I suppose I was naïve enough to believe I could just opt out whenever the relationship wasn't meaningful anymore.

 

 

Wrong! Relationship's still meaningful and good in my eyes...it's just the stress of knowing I'm never going to get that ultimate position in my boyfriend's life. I want to be someone's number 1, I really do...

 

 

And I know I shouldn't be judging like this, but I still am, I can't help it! Every time I plan something or take time off from work so I can do something with my boyfriend, something happens where he needs to be with his son so I get stuck at home because I don't want to interfere in the relationship my boyfriend has with his son. Then, anytime he tells me he's going to see me for the whole weekend or makes any plans for us, it usually falls through too due to his son. I don't want to come off as hating on the son because the kid's just a kid to me, I get him gifts that he and his dad can use together during the holidays, I encourage my boyfriend to see his son (I just hate being told to take PTO and then end up wasting it), I hope he grows up to be a great person and I think he will because his parents are doing their best, but he's not my kid and I have no interest in hanging out with a kid when I literally just graduated college in 2012 and finally became an adult.

 

 

I'm wasting my time, I know, and I probably definitely need to move on, but you know just as well as me that the heart is stupid sometimes...it gets afraid of the unknown too

 

 

Anyway...I'm doing a lot of thinking, I spent all of today trying not to cry at work because I was upset that our plans fell through again, even though I'm used to this, but that doesn't mean I want to continue tolerating it forever. I accept that I'm not going to be the most important person in my boyfriend's life ever, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with being accidentally blown off all the time. To me, that's just a sign it's probably not going to work out long-term, which is fine! We're not married, we don't live together or anything...it would be easy to split up.

 

 

But next time I see my boyfriend, we will be talking. As much as I hate to do it, I know we need to discuss how things will work in the future at the very least. I know I deserve someone willing to put as much into the relationship as me, and I know my boyfriend deserves someone who is willing to take on his child as well. I'm 99% sure I can't do that for him, so I need to stop being selfish and let him go...I really hope he finds someone lovely, I want him to do well!!

 

 

And above all, I just want to stop being so stressed about things I can't change/accept. How you think, how you behave, and how you eat can potentially affect your next 30-50 years...I need to take that to heart...

 

 

Anyway, I know this was really long, I'm not asking for replies or answers, I just needed to vent...thank you so much

[TaraMaiden]

That really is too long.....

You do realise his son won't stay this age, and needs stability, not upheaval, right?

You can either be a help, or a hindrance.

Decide which you think is going to be the dominant quality, and go from there.

 

And there is no right or wrong here.

It's your life.

[Mascara]

At 23, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be a part of an instant family, or to deal with the constraints that dating someone with kids presents. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to be number 1 at your age.

 

You basically have 2 choices. 1. - leave and find someone free and single like you ..... or 2. Agree to meet the kid. This isn't about your boyfriend putting anyone first - no parent needs to do that, you CAN find a balance so that everyone feels like a priority - but that's impossible to do if you won't meet him.

[saltyfishhead666]

While he is a dad regardless of if you are around or not his son is ALWAYS going to be number 1.

 

You really should think this one through. You are now in a long term relationship yet you are pretty much saying "I want nothing to do with your son" That's not going to work forever, I am surprised he has allowed it so far.

 

If someone said to me I want you but not your kids I'd say CYA!!!

 

It's make your mind up time lady

Edited January 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[darkmoon]

maybe the child's mother is disorganised, innocently so, she might not keep schedules well, last-minute problems, idk, maybe her boyf who visits her does not like the child, so she keeps them separate as often as she can

 

 

 

 

just here trying to understand why the situation of him seeing the child is now like it is, because it was not like it when you first got together

[saltyfishhead666]

maybe the child's mother is disorganised, innocently so, she might not keep schedules well, last-minute problems, idk, maybe her boyf who visits her does not like the child, so she keeps them separate as often as she can

 

 

 

 

just here trying to understand why the situation of him seeing the child is now like it is, because it was not like it when you first got together

 

I don't think him seeing his child is the issue, I think she was a bit naive going into a relationship with a parent. I think she was hoping it would always be separate (dad and son and her and boyfriend) Now he's been a year I think he's looking to bring his girlfriend and child closer and do things as a group and she doesn't want too!

 

If you can't handle children you shouldn't date a parent. That is your grave mistake.

 

I know it looks like I am "having a go at you" however had you told him you didn't want to be around his child at the beginning of the relationship your relationship wouldn't currently exist.

[Janesays]

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to be a stepmother at 23.

 

But at the same time, I'd judge him pretty harshly if he put his 23 year old girlfriend before time with his own son who needs him more than she ever will.

 

I think your relationship just isn't meant to be, sorry.

[isisisweeping]

Really, if this is an issue, it should have come up a year ago, or pretty close to it. While it's not wrong to not want to date a parent, it's not a nice thing to decide that a year into the relationship.

 

After a year is a reasonable time for introductions, and seeing if it will work before taking the next step.

 

 

Yes, a child should have high priority, because they need the high priority.

 

 

Also, I highly doubt a 6 year old didn't like you. I am around that age range a lot and they like any adult who is nice to them. It's still in the easiest age range to win over. Was he shy? If his mother was not judicious about the number of people introduced, he may just be cautious around new people.

 

 

If you can't do it, though, don't drag it on. End it so he can find someone who accepts all of him.

[HokeyReligions]

Grow up. Somewhere in your long rambling post you said "WHEN we break up".

 

You know you will break up at some point. Do it now and don't date parents.

[d0nnivain]

I commend you for at least understanding your own dilemma. You also seem to understand that the kid will always come first.

 

 

You are between phases in your life. Because your BF is older, you have your head at least in the adult world that comes with things like responsibility for children. But you are still young & are entitled to enjoy the freedom of your youth.

 

 

Alas you can't "have your cake & eat it too." If you can see yourself committed long term to your BF step up & develop a relationship with his kid. You don't have to be a 2nd mom but you still have to be a responsible adult. That was the approach I took with my EX's son. He was a bit older but our first meeting was a date all about him -- we went to an arcade. My guy kind of hung back & the kid & I played. Years later he told me that worked for him because he still saw me as an adult (I paid & wouldn't let him play what I thought were age inappropriate games) but I treated him like a friend rather than my BF's p.i.t.a. kid. I never tried to parent him per se but I set boundaries, commanded respect, answered questions, helped with homework & steered him back to his parents regarding philosophical issues.

 

 

If you really want no part of a kid at this point in your life, walk away now. If you stay resentment will build on all sides.

[KatZee]

I'm sorry but you're always going to be number 2. Especially since you're not at the age where you have the mental capacity, the emotional capacity, or the maturity (obviously) to put forth the effort to get to know his son.

 

You referred to this child as "an important person in his life." This isn't just an "important person" in his life. This is his SON. His flesh and blood, and this little guy will have more influence in this relationship than ANYTHING you ever bring to the table.

 

I'd say you two are just not compatible. You're looking for a boyfriend figure at 23, someone to have fun with, have sex with, do whatever with... and he's looking for a partner, an equal, someone who's going to be a mother figure to his son. (Because YES. That's what's going to happen if you date someone with a child.) Yes, the child has their own mother, but a relationship/bond DOES form between child and step-mother, etc. You're never going to be able to get away with completely avoiding his child, keeping him at arms distance, and at the same time having your relationship evolve and grow.

 

There is a huge maturity gap between the two of you, along with the age gap. At 23, I wouldn't expect you to want to want to have any of these responsibilities and it's normal for you to be selfish at this point in your life...

 

A mature mentality would know that you will never come first. He will never put you before his son. So either, accept that and keep your relationship stagnant and the way it is, or just realize you two aren't at the same place in life and move on from it.

[Shepp]

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to be a stepmother at 23.

 

But at the same time, I'd judge him pretty harshly if he put his 23 year old girlfriend before time with his own son who needs him more than she ever will.

 

I think your relationship just isn't meant to be, sorry.

 

I agree.

I'd be the first to get on any guy who put a girlfriend ahead of his son, his son should always be first. Theres no other answer to that.

 

If that's not something you can live with......your kind of only leaving one choice.

[DanielFife83]

I'm sorry but you're always going to be number 2. Especially since you're not at the age where you have the mental capacity, the emotional capacity, or the maturity (obviously) to put forth the effort to get to know his son.

 

You referred to this child as "an important person in his life." This isn't just an "important person" in his life. This is his SON. His flesh and blood, and this little guy will have more influence in this relationship than ANYTHING you ever bring to the table.

 

I'd say you two are just not compatible. You're looking for a boyfriend figure at 23, someone to have fun with, have sex with, do whatever with... and he's looking for a partner, an equal, someone who's going to be a mother figure to his son. (Because YES. That's what's going to happen if you date someone with a child.) Yes, the child has their own mother, but a relationship/bond DOES form between child and step-mother, etc. You're never going to be able to get away with completely avoiding his child, keeping him at arms distance, and at the same time having your relationship evolve and grow.

 

There is a huge maturity gap between the two of you, along with the age gap. At 23, I wouldn't expect you to want to want to have any of these responsibilities and it's normal for you to be selfish at this point in your life...

 

A mature mentality would know that you will never come first. He will never put you before his son. So either, accept that and keep your relationship stagnant and the way it is, or just realize you two aren't at the same place in life and move on from it.

 

I dont blame you, I am almost 31 and I dont want to face this as well. that is tough to be number 2!

 

I dont want it where I am raising the child if I Date ones with kids. I just want a female partner in crime

 

how old is he and how often do you 2 go on date nights together.

[bubbaganoosh]

You don't have children. Someday you will get married and have a child and if by fate your marriage fall apart, then you would be a single parent.

 

Then you meet a man who has no children and after a while he starts becoming a bit more demanding of your time and time is limited because of your job and taking care of your child then you will have an idea of who comes first in your life. Your child or boyfriend and all of us including you know the answer to that.

 

It will always be the child unless your an unfit parent. Kids come first and personal lives come second. That's the rule and it's not a hard choice to make.

 

After my divorce from my first wife, I had every other weekend with my daughter and I was dating a woman and she wanted me to go with her to a party and I couldn't because I had my kid. I had to fight tooth and nail with my ex to get visitation and wasn't about miss my weekend. She got pissed and I told her that my kid comes first and sorry 'bout that. That's the way it is when your a parent and honestly I had no regrets telling her that and if she couldn't understand then too bad.

[DanielFife83]

what if one is single at 30 or 35 and doesn't want to date a parent? I know the feeling of you want a gf or bf to go to a party with you and they can't, that rots. You should move on to someone else. Id say a single parent should date another single parent, they'd be more compatible.

[zebracolors]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, no children. With a few exceptions. I'm 38, and the father (he's early 40s) who I am seeing has a daughter that he has custody of. I say "seeing" because he and I have only been doing so for a couple months so far so it may still be too soon to put any kind of label on what we have now. I just know that I enjoy being with him, and he seems to be interested in spending time with me. But I made sure to understand that his daughter should come first in his life.

 

It was as if he had this quiet resolve about it, mentioning it matter of factly at first, such as there was one time he said he couldn't hangout because he was going to be spending the time with his daughter. And I totally admire him because of that, and I'm glad he's a good father. And down the road, things will either progress where I'll be as high in priority in his life, or they won't.

 

She's 11 or 12 so maybe old enough to kind of understand the situation with her parents?I've met his daughter once so far and we got along okay, and she at least seemed to accept me as someone who associates with her father.

[DanielFife83]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, no children. With a few exceptions. I'm 38, and the father (he's early 40s) who I am seeing has a daughter that he has custody of. I say "seeing" because he and I have only been doing so for a couple months so far so it may still be too soon to put any kind of label on what we have now. I just know that I enjoy being with him, and he seems to be interested in spending time with me. But I made sure to understand that his daughter should come first in his life.

 

It was as if he had this quiet resolve about it, mentioning it matter of factly at first, such as there was one time he said he couldn't hangout because he was going to be spending the time with his daughter. And I totally admire him because of that, and I'm glad he's a good father. And down the road, things will either progress where I'll be as high in priority in his life, or they won't.

 

She's 11 or 12 so maybe old enough to kind of understand the situation with her parents?I've met his daughter once so far and we got along okay, and she at least seemed to accept me as someone who associates with her father.

 

I know a girl who wont date a single dad again because of how the child took up his time.

[angel.eyes]

It's been tough on you. I understand. As a teenager and in my early 20's, I didn't think anything would ever turn serious when I dated, and I always felt blindsided when it did...which always seemed to happen.

 

Parents put their children first. Dates and girlfriends come and go, but you only get one shot with your child. Besides, he's a child, and you're an adult. He's responsible for his child's well-being. You're capable of taking care of yourself.

 

I'm single and childless. I won't date dads because of all the things you just mentioned. I won't be happy with constant last minute cancels because mom is disorganized or acting up, little Johnny had a bad day at school, or whatever. I'm not interested or ready to deal with the daily stream of surprises, early morning wakeups, crying, mini-crises, emergencies, interruptions, and accidents that parents take for granted. I don't want to play second fiddle constantly. I love children. I love playing with them. But I'm not ready for all the responsibility and permanent selflessness that they require right now. I want and need my relationships to be about us and discovering ourselves as a couple. So being a Dad is a deal breaker for me when picking guys to date. Own what it is that works for you.

 

Someone can be great, but not great for you. This relationship is a life lesson in what you need in a partner at 23. Your current boyfriend is incapable of meeting your needs. You two are incompatible because you're at very different life stages. There are loads of single, childless guys early/mid twenties who share your values and preferences. They may not be as visible as the party hard crowd because they're living quiet, "boring," stable, responsible lives, but there are lots of them if you take the time to be more observant. Pick them to date. You'll be much happier and more satisfied in a relationship that develops with someone at your life stage.

 

Painful as it will be, let this guy go. It's going to happen anyway--either now or after you've really suffered from the constant disappointment of not feeling important in his life. Delaying will only lead to a rancorous, even more painful break up.

Edited January 19, 2014 by angel.eyes