Unable to 'move on'

[spiderowl]

Hi, I've known a couple of people (men) recently who have found themselves unable to move on after a relationship failed. In both cases, their partner left them. Like most people, I've been dumped too and know how incredibly painful it can be and how long it can take to accept it's over and to cope with the loss. But I did accept it after a few weeks and have 'moved on' and look forward to possibly meeting someone new.

 

The reason I'm writing here is that the people I know seem to be absolutely stuck. Both have become obsessed by their exs and both 'kept an eye on them' at first after the break-up. One of them simply says he can't move on and has become very depressed; the other has been stalking his ex!

 

Why is it that some people can move on and others can't? Why do some get so stuck and obsessed that their behaviour goes off the rails like this? Any thoughts? I'd actually like to be able to help them resolve their issues, if possible, but at the moment it's looking like they have decided to stay fixated on their exs.

Edited January 18, 2014 by spiderowl

[sportzhl24]

Love makes people do crazy things, trust me. When you lose somebody that you love, it can become very difficult to accept that loss and move on. You should introduce your friends to the NC code. Search for NC (no contact) here on loveshack; there are some threads that people like Barky have started which detail the practice of NC. It essentially involves removing all ways of contacting an ex, like social media, email, phone numbers, as well as removing tangible memories like photos and belongings. It sounds intense and drastic, but it is by far the quickest way to get over somebody. Even though you have been able to get over people in a few weeks (which by the way you should be very thankful of), every relationship is different and sometimes it takes years to get over somebody you love.

[cocorico]

Hi, I've known a couple of people (men) recently who have found themselves unable to move on after a relationship failed. In both cases, their partner left them. Like most people, I've been dumped too and know how incredibly painful it can be and how long it can take to accept it's over and to cope with the loss. But I did accept it after a few weeks and have 'moved on' and look forward to possibly meeting someone new.

 

The reason I'm writing here is that the people I know seem to be absolutely stuck. Both have become obsessed by their exs and both 'kept an eye on them' at first after the break-up. One of them simply says he can't move on and has become very depressed; the other has been stalking his ex!

 

Why is it that some people can move on and others can't? Why do some get so stuck and obsessed that their behaviour goes off the rails like this? Any thoughts? I'd actually like to be able to help them resolve their issues, if possible, but at the moment it's looking like they have decided to stay fixated on their exs.

 

I think many factors can be involved. Some people's identity is more heavily invested in their Rs than others, for example; or they consider themselves the more "mateworthy" person in the R and feel outraged when their "less mateworthy" partner has the gall to dump them; or they were more heavily invested in the R, thought it was closer to ideal, etc and are less willing to accept that the other person did not share their rosy view of the R (and, by extension, of them as a partner). My H's xW has been unable to move on - despite having had at least one subsequent R - since he left her more than six years ago. She still drives many miles out of her way to pass our home (in the sticks - not on the way to anywhere), stalks us on social media, engages in petty theft and petty vandalism, etc all these years later. My mother never moved on after my father left. Some people just prefer to clothe themselves in their heartbreak and misery as a shield against any possible future repeats, I guess.

[fujidabruin]

Hi, I've known a couple of people (men) recently who have found themselves unable to move on after a relationship failed. In both cases, their partner left them. Like most people, I've been dumped too and know how incredibly painful it can be and how long it can take to accept it's over and to cope with the loss. But I did accept it after a few weeks and have 'moved on' and look forward to possibly meeting someone new.

 

The reason I'm writing here is that the people I know seem to be absolutely stuck. Both have become obsessed by their exs and both 'kept an eye on them' at first after the break-up. One of them simply says he can't move on and has become very depressed; the other has been stalking his ex!

 

Why is it that some people can move on and others can't? Why do some get so stuck and obsessed that their behaviour goes off the rails like this? Any thoughts? I'd actually like to be able to help them resolve their issues, if possible, but at the moment it's looking like they have decided to stay fixated on their exs.

 

I think some people have learned or acquired the tools to help themselves move forward and some just have no idea. You only have to go into a few threads on the "breaks & break-ups" or "Coping" forums to see it plainly....

some people think they will never get their ex out of their thoughts while those that know better are encouraging them to do NC and focus on themselves.

 

So, I guess my answer to your questions are that some people learn quickly thru experience or mentoring how to detach from strong emotions and take responsibility for themselves... others do not and continue to spiral.

 

I do suggest that you check out those other forums though... there really are some good threads there that may help your friends (many of them helped me)

 

Good Luck Spiderowl

[spiderowl]

Thanks Sportz, these are intelligent people and I know they are well aware of the no contact code. They absolutely choose to ignore it, or at least the stalker does; the other has given up on places where he might meet his ex, but still can't move on emotionally. They seem genuinely stuck and have no insight as to why (I don't either!).

[spiderowl]

I think many factors can be involved. Some people's identity is more heavily invested in their Rs than others, for example; or they consider themselves the more "mateworthy" person in the R and feel outraged when their "less mateworthy" partner has the gall to dump them; or they were more heavily invested in the R, thought it was closer to ideal, etc and are less willing to accept that the other person did not share their rosy view of the R (and, by extension, of them as a partner). My H's xW has been unable to move on - despite having had at least one subsequent R - since he left her more than six years ago. She still drives many miles out of her way to pass our home (in the sticks - not on the way to anywhere), stalks us on social media, engages in petty theft and petty vandalism, etc all these years later. My mother never moved on after my father left. Some people just prefer to clothe themselves in their heartbreak and misery as a shield against any possible future repeats, I guess.

 

Thanks, that's an interesting perspective. Perhaps people are trying to protect themselves from future hurt by hanging onto the old 'love' and refusing to consider a new one. Maybe it is a form of self protection. Perhaps they are right in some respects; at least they won't get hurt again if no-one else is ever considered. However, I don't get the impression no-one is considered, so much as they still have an obsession with the ex too.

[spiderowl]

I appreciate your thoughts on this fujidabrain. I would encourage my friends to do what you suggest but they would not. They are resistant to letting go of the idea that their ex is the one and only for them. If I suggest to one friend that he try to find a way to move on, he stops talking to me, so I don't think he's open to considering that at the moment. Maybe it's a way to hang on to the ex in imagination if not in reality.