PreciousOne Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I want to know why is it that men cheat on their spouses and have relationships on the side instead of just leave. What is it that makes a man stray in the first place?
Clay Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Tragically its not just men. It is both. I really don't understand why they do it either but its clear to me the only obvious things is they don't love the person they are in the relationship with. It hurts to hear that but how can it not be the truth. Clay 1
HermioneG Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) Wayward spouses don't automatically leave the marriage, because affairs aren't about the marriage. They are about the wayward, their coping skills, family of origin issues, and other problems. That's why the vast majority of affairs don't work out. Because, conversely, the affair isn't about the affair partner, either. It's about what is wrong with the wayward. Good resources to check into are Frank Pitmann and Shirley Glass. Helen Fisher is another excellent resource. http://psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity Once you learn the psychology of affairs- you'll learn that although it feels as if the affair is an affront to the betrayed spouse- it isn't about them, or the marriage. Edited January 18, 2014 by HermioneG Add link 10
BetrayedH Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Wayward spouses don't automatically leave the marriage, because affairs aren't about the marriage. They are about the wayward, their coping skills, family of origin issues, and other problems. That's why the vast majority of affairs don't work out. Because, conversely, the affair isn't about the affair partner, either. It's about what is wrong with the wayward. Good resources to check into are Frank Pitmann and Shirley Glass. Helen Fisher is another excellent resource. http://psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity Once you learn the psychology of affairs- you'll learn that although it feels as if the affair is an affront to the betrayed spouse- it isn't about them, or the marriage. Great post and a great article. By the way, if you're new, welcome to LS. 6
Just_AGuy Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) Your question is wrong because it's not about men only. Women cheat almost as much as men do. that is for every 10 cheating men there are probably 8 cheating women. And I also wanted to ask the same question why my wife cheated instead of just leaving me.... I think there is no answer the whole thing is very stupid. People "fell in love" and they hope they can get away with this. Most of them are discovered. As someone said: infidelity is not about marriage, it's not about other spouse. I believe it is just act of selfishness. Sorry I re-read your question... I think men cheat for sex and validation. I can't think of other reasons. Surely not because they are not happy in marriage. Because if they are - they just leave that marriage or otherwise it's just their lame excuse Edited January 19, 2014 by Just_AGuy 1
goodyblue Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Your question is wrong because it's not about men only. Women cheat almost as much as men do. that is for every 10 cheating men there are probably 8 cheating women. And I also wanted to ask the same question why my wife cheated instead of just leaving me.... I think there is no answer the whole thing is very stupid. People "fell in love" and they hope they can get away with this. Most of them are discovered. As someone said: infidelity is not about marriage, it's not about other spouse. I believe it is just act of selfishness. Sorry I re-read your question... I think men cheat for sex and validation. I can't think of other reasons. Surely not because they are not happy in marriage. Because if they are - they just leave that marriage or otherwise it's just their lame excuse Lol. No. Just no. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Because for some men their relational coping skills and self-honesty are so poor that they use outside attention/sex/affection to make themselves feel better the way some addicts use heroin. It helps them cope enough to stay IN the marriahe without having to be honest with themselves, meeting some of their own needs and risking vulnerability with their partner. 3
HermioneG Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Because for some men their relational coping skills and self-honesty are so poor that they use outside attention/sex/affection to make themselves feel better the way some addicts use heroin. It helps them cope enough to stay IN the marriahe without having to be honest with themselves, meeting some of their own needs and risking vulnerability with their partner. Co-sign and and enthusiastically agree. A therapist described it to me as the wandering partner has a hole in the bucket of validation. No normal amount of affection or attention will suffice. Because they are internally messed up. Healthy people do not cheat. If a marriage is bad, they leave. They do not depend on a third party to use as validation for either leaving or filling up their leaking bucket. It's not the marriage. It's not the spouse. It's an unhealthy action by the wayward. Period. There is nothing healthy, honorable, or justified about deception. As Pittman states- it's hard to hear, but infidelity isn't personal to te betrayed spouse or the affair partner ( although the affair partner may need to wonder why they make these decisions). It is all about the wayward. Male, female, purple or alien. 5
dreamingoftigers Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 As Pittman states- it's hard to hear, but infidelity isn't personal to te betrayed spouse or the affair partner ( although the affair partner may need to wonder why they make these decisions). It is all about the wayward. Male, female, purple or alien. ******** It is important to note the exception of course being Androgynous Purple Aliens who are specifically known to cheat only when an affair partner smells of something like cinnamon mixed with Yak milk. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 ******** It is important to note the exception of course being Androgynous Purple Aliens who are specifically known to cheat only when an affair partner smells of something like cinnamon mixed with Yak milk. Ok DoT, you're officially a dork. 2
fujidabruin Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 ******** It is important to note the exception of course being Androgynous Purple Aliens who are specifically known to cheat only when an affair partner smells of something like cinnamon mixed with Yak milk. Are you sure??? My resource says that you may substitute goats milk for yak and use cardamom for cinnamon..... and a wayward APA will still succumb to adultery. 2
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