carhill Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I tend to view 'getting to know' different people the same as 'asking different people out', with regard to 'meeting of the minds'. With the latter, there is no meeting of the minds if the two people don't want to 'go out' and start the 'get to know' process, for whatever reasons or motivations. Same with the former, in that there is no meeting of the minds to grow the getting to know into an exclusive relationship. This 'no sure thing' continues on throughout any intimate relationship, including marriage, as evidenced by the divorce rate and divorced people 'moving on' to other relationships. Everything can be transitory and/or always in flux. No sure things. It's all a risk; a gamble. If one doesn't have the stomach for it, probably better to sit it out and do other things in life.
somedude81 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 This is what turns women off multi-dating. Smart women will not have sex with somebody unless they have an exclusive relationship. Ethically it's perfectly OK to date multiple people. You simply make sure each person knows this is not an exclusive relationship. You don't have to announce that but if she starts talking about exclusivity you must be honest & either give it to her or tell her there are other people. The multiple dates only need to know about the theory of the others; they should not be able to identify each other & it's better if they are not in contact. Of course I wouldn't lie to anybody. Right now I'm still feeling the sting of being in a relationship with a girl who barely had enough time for me. I felt that she was my part-time girlfriend. I probably could have squeezed in another girl and my ex would never have noticed. I kinda wish I had two girlfriends back then. Not as fun as you'd think. Just more physical than anything. Not nearly as fulfilling as sex with somebody you have a good bond with. It's still something I'd like to try. I'm sure a bond can form if you were seeing both women on a regular basis. Surely a stronger bond than sleeping with a stranger.
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I recently became single after a few years. Now that I'm older and live in a bigger city, I seem to have noticed that dating multiple women seems to be quite popular and acceptable. I'd like try dating a variety of women to see how it goes while getting back on the scene. I don't plan on developing an intimate relationship or having sex with multiple women simultaneously. I'm a very ethical person and I can't help but feel somewhat guilty by juggling two or three women for a few dates each. Is it acceptable to go on a few dates with a couple different women simultaneously? This seems very attractive and logical given the fickle nature of the dating game. What do you guys think? As long as you are being forthright with all of them and you feel it's effective, fine. I think though that when you know exactly what you want and are decisive, no need to really multi-date. I can tell by or before date 3 if I'd want to be exclusive with a guy. I try to find out as diplomatically as possible the other person's dating philosophy and if it doesn't align with mine, yes they get the boot. A lot of multi-daters especially in the online scene always thinks the grass is greener and have issues with commitment. I don't have time for that. If the guy isn't what I want and/or I perceive I am not what he wants I move on. Too many men on the mind just causes confusion IMO. 1
Bluefin12 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 In my opinion, Absolutely! I think that it is just important to set expectations up front. LYING is what makes things unethical. If you are dating other women, don't flaunt it. But don't go out of your to hide it. 1
Author avoforastig Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 When you say honesty is important, does that mean I need to run out and tell the person I am dating others immediately? I certainly know what I want and feelings aren't always mutual. I don't intend on going on more than one or two dates realistically before focusing my efforts. I do geelnthat after a while exclusivity is assumed, especially if regular sex or emotions are invokved .
Leigh 87 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 ONLY if the feeling is mutual. Otherwise you are investing too much in to one person too early in the process. I multidate until I find the one that has that the same level of mutual interest. Then I focus on them. But if you invest too much too early and its not mutual, you will come off as clingy and set yourself up for disappointment. My boyfriend wanted to be exclusive after date one. About 3 days later we made it official. He strongly thought he could sense that I was really into him. He took the chance and had the exclusivity conversation. I reiterated that I did in fact, really just want to focus on him. You always take a risk in dating. People can be sociopathic or devoid of empathy; they can pretend to be head over heels for you JUST to get sex, or they can use you until the person they REALLY like comes along:sick: There is really no sure fire way to avert these disgusting individuals, so I just take a chance with a guy who blows me away on date one AND who shows he feels the same way for me, through consistent actions. I just don't go on date two with men who I don't REALLY like. I've met a few guys who I met once and yet I ONLY wanted to focus on them from just ONE date. Then there were the 3 guys I met last year who I was meh about, and who I still gave a second date two........ It just seems stupid and desperate to have second dates with people who you clearly DO NOT like as much as some of your prior first dates. With the guys I gave second dates to whom I DIDN'T feel excited about: I didn't feel happy when they called or texted, I couldn't care less when I saw them again, I wasn't excited about seeing them again. Guys I really feel something for? I know by date one if I have that wow factor, and I get excited by their texts, I can't wait to see them again. .... I find, when I go on dates with men that I REALLY feel it for, they ALWAYS want to focus on JUST ME from date one IF their feelings are mutual. .......... Where as, if I'm really feeling it and they are not, I am sure they would have kept dating around.
salparadise Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 When you say honesty is important, does that mean I need to run out and tell the person I am dating others immediately? I certainly know what I want and feelings aren't always mutual. I don't intend on going on more than one or two dates realistically before focusing my efforts. I do geelnthat after a while exclusivity is assumed, especially if regular sex or emotions are invokved . No, it's assumed that both could be seeing others when you first start. Sometimes the question will be asked within a few dates and then you need to be honest but you still don't need to be very specific. You could say, "nobody special but I've dated a few people recently." That's all the disclosure you need to give. If she wants to talk about exclusivity, or if you do, then the subject has been broached. Some people may prefer to not be investing with someone who is seeing others and that's ok too. You can either choose to focus just on each other or say you're not ready to be exclusive, in which case she has the option to continue or not.
Els Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 It's considered pretty acceptable in American culture, last I heard. I do think that ethically you should be honest if they bring up the exclusivity talk with you or if you sense that they are getting too invested.
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) When you say honesty is important, does that mean I need to run out and tell the person I am dating others immediately? I certainly know what I want and feelings aren't always mutual. I don't intend on going on more than one or two dates realistically before focusing my efforts. I do geelnthat after a while exclusivity is assumed, especially if regular sex or emotions are invokved . It really depends on the other party. I say if you agree to go on date 2 it should be made known during of after that date that you are exploring options. I don't get why others are telling you to hide it. I think it is the other person's business because if she is like myself, she does not date serial/multi-daters. I don't go out with 4 different men a week just because they are at my disposal. I narrow down to one I like and talk to him for a bit on the phone as a pre-screener and if that goes well then schedule an in person. To me multi-dater men scream indecisive/potential GIGs, hesitant to commit kind of men and I stay as far as the East is from the West for those kinds. Just because I expect for you to be "exploring me alone" for few dates doesn't mean I think we are bf/gf. It just means I want all of your attention so you can make a clear-headed decision and not treat me like fruit you pick from a supermarket. Too much to ask for some men but all the men I've dated who were truly seeking a long-term relationship shared my sentiments. Edited January 19, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly 3
abby_tx Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 While I haven't tried this yet, I was given this advice as well after my 7 year relationship ended. My guy friend told me I needed to date a few men to get a sense of what I did/didn't want and not tie down myself to one. It does seem a little scary because I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think this is a smart thing to do. So, go ahead and do it! I don't think you need to tell anyone about the other girls until you become exclusive. Then just cut off the others.
Author avoforastig Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 This is all new to me. I find it interesting there are different points of view here. When I perceive things as going well after a couple of dates, I think multi-dating seems preposterous. Then I think of the times I have dated someone a few times, had some strong interest, and then unexpectedly been shot down. I always wish I had multi-dated then. I guess I'm not sure at what point exploring other options should stop. Today, I had a second date with a woman, thought things well, and ended the date with a pleasant kiss. I know any number of things could and likely still will go wrong with her. Before our date today, I had exchanged some messages with another woman online and tentatively set a date for later in the week. Now, I don't have much interest in pursuing this other date since the second date went well today. I can't help but feel guilty if I'm not giving it 100% of my attention. I find myself wanting to cancel the plans with the second woman. Is it wrong to explore this other opportunity? Maybe there isn't a right or wrong answer, but I've never been one to resolve these qualms easily. Truthfully, I am seeking a serious relationship and do not want to be perceived as someone who is desperate, promiscuous or disrespectful. Thoughts?
deathandtaxes Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 This is all new to me. I find it interesting there are different points of view here. When I perceive things as going well after a couple of dates, I think multi-dating seems preposterous. Then I think of the times I have dated someone a few times, had some strong interest, and then unexpectedly been shot down. I always wish I had multi-dated then. I guess I'm not sure at what point exploring other options should stop. Today, I had a second date with a woman, thought things well, and ended the date with a pleasant kiss. I know any number of things could and likely still will go wrong with her. Before our date today, I had exchanged some messages with another woman online and tentatively set a date for later in the week. Now, I don't have much interest in pursuing this other date since the second date went well today. I can't help but feel guilty if I'm not giving it 100% of my attention. I find myself wanting to cancel the plans with the second woman. Is it wrong to explore this other opportunity? Maybe there isn't a right or wrong answer, but I've never been one to resolve these qualms easily. Truthfully, I am seeking a serious relationship and do not want to be perceived as someone who is desperate, promiscuous or disrespectful. Thoughts? I think the multi-dating and messaging other women help keep you from getting too attached to any one single woman and will help let things play out slow. It keeps from you being needy. You learn a lot about yourself. And I think so early in, talking the first few dates here, there's not much need to give 100% of anything. You're still getting to know somebody. Now obviously this all changes if you meet somebody and the chemistry is crazy and you really, REALLY don't want to see anybody. But until then, why not give the multi-dating a try. You may figure out you love it, or you may figure out you hate it. But the deals off if you decide you want to start having sex with one. That's a new level of attachment and commitment to be playing with. 5
Bluefin12 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I think the multi-dating and messaging other women help keep you from getting too attached to any one single woman and will help let things play out slow. It keeps from you being needy. You learn a lot about yourself. And I think so early in, talking the first few dates here, there's not much need to give 100% of anything. You're still getting to know somebody. Now obviously this all changes if you meet somebody and the chemistry is crazy and you really, REALLY don't want to see anybody. But until then, why not give the multi-dating a try. You may figure out you love it, or you may figure out you hate it. But the deals off if you decide you want to start having sex with one. That's a new level of attachment and commitment to be playing with. I know women AND men who have ongoing sexual relationships with more than one man. I think that, again, honesty is the best way to go. If your sexual partners think that the two of you are exclusive, then sex with other partners would definitely be unethical. But I don't think that sex is inextricably linked to exclusivity 1
rosedl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 The whole prospect sounds exhausting. I would prefer just to go on casual dates and refrain from any physical involvement unless there is a deeper interest. I don't expect exclusivity from a man in the beginning, but I would prefer to put my focus on one person if we seem to really connect and explore it further. I have done the on-line dating and it is a numbers thing. I met one guy and we had a decade long relationship. Last go round, I didn't meet anybody (did give in to a fling....a very rare thing for me, but he was an Adonis and the physical attraction of both sides unreal....I would do that for exceptional attraction and chemistry...otherwise, no thanks) I think if you stay open and allow, what is meant to come will come
Blade96 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) I know how that feels, even though my relationships are online. I feel like a guy juggling thunder (add swear word as you like) because I was having a bit of a romance with different guys. One guy who I had a month of a real life romance with, still loves me years later and still romances me and while I still reciprocate (he's a good guy) i don't feel the same way anymore. The issue is that it was never about the heart. At the same time tonight one of my Russian friends (not the same one I wrote on earlier although I am still very good friends with him) confessed his attraction to me. And there are a couple of my American friends who like me. I also have a bit of a romance with a guy from England. And no they don't all know about each other. well actually they know I romance different people. But they don't exactly know exactly who the others are. So yeah sometimes I feel like a snake. Although logically it is smart, what I am doing. My advice would be to keep doing what you are doing. It's smart (even if it doesn't feel like it at times) Edited January 21, 2014 by Blade96
fatalcharm Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I believe that for the first few dates it is fine because sometimes it takes a few dates to get to know someone and decide whether you want to go the next step with them, but after a while it just becomes you leading them on. Unless you have made it clear to them that you would like to continue dating, but still date other people. Then let them decide if they want to continue or not. No sex until you are dating someone exclusively though.
Andy_K Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I prefer to date just one girl at a time. There are a few reasons for this. 1) I tend to let things move fast physically, and I don't want to be sleeping with more than one girl. I don't want my thoughts on what I should or shouldn't do with one girl clouded by others in the background. 2) Years after meeting The One, I want to be able to look back and know things were great from date one, not that she was my third choice but two others just went off the radar. 3) it's the culture here. Very few girls are going to be cool with you dating others, or certainly not for very long. 4) I don't want to burn all my bridges at once. Unless you're multiple dating for weeks on end, you're likely to end up ditching girls who you might well have been perfectly happy with, because you mistakenly (at the time) thought someone else was a better option.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Sounds like a good way to all of your eggs in one basket and then get sad when your basket gets run over by a truck. Haha, best phrase I've seen on here! I multi-date. It usually only takes a date or two to decide if I want to keep seeing somebody anyway but it can take a week or two to find the time to get a date in if you both have busy schedules, if you stopped talking to anyone else every time you thought you might vaguely like one person it'd take forever to find the one you want a relationship with. Personally I multi-date and presume they are too. I don't have sex with anyone until I'm only interested in pursuing stuff with them and nobody else. But dating? Sure. Free agent. Also it really helps you to stop putting all of your eggs into the basket right infront of the truck, if you are talking to a few different people you're not focusing on one, obsessing over whether they're replying or not etc. I'm not the clingiest of people but I know if I meet someone and like them I'm a lot more focused on them and their actions than I want to be so early on. When you're speaking to a few people it's no big deal: something does work out? Onto the next.
somedude81 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Honestly, it really seems like wanting to date a couple of girls at once is one of my goals this year. So I'll state it here, that this year I want to make-out with two different girls within one month of each other. If not that, then a quick peck on the lips will do. 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I think the multi-dating and messaging other women help keep you from getting too attached to any one single woman and will help let things play out slow. It keeps from you being needy. You learn a lot about yourself. And I think so early in, talking the first few dates here, there's not much need to give 100% of anything. You're still getting to know somebody. Now obviously this all changes if you meet somebody and the chemistry is crazy and you really, REALLY don't want to see anybody. But until then, why not give the multi-dating a try. You may figure out you love it, or you may figure out you hate it. But the deals off if you decide you want to start having sex with one. That's a new level of attachment and commitment to be playing with. Or why not only date people whom you have crazy chemistry with? If there are those people out there whom you are just CRAZY for on date 1 and that compell you to NOT want to date others after meeting this special someone, WHY date people who you don't get blown away by???? I found a guy like that, as has my friend. None of us could fathom seeing others after our first date! I can't imagine going on more than one date with those guys who I wasn't excited about and who I took aaaages to warm up to even wantkng to kiss!
pickflicker Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I recently became single after a few years. Now that I'm older and live in a bigger city, I seem to have noticed that dating multiple women seems to be quite popular and acceptable. I'd like try dating a variety of women to see how it goes while getting back on the scene. I don't plan on developing an intimate relationship or having sex with multiple women simultaneously. I'm a very ethical person and I can't help but feel somewhat guilty by juggling two or three women for a few dates each. Is it acceptable to go on a few dates with a couple different women simultaneously? This seems very attractive and logical given the fickle nature of the dating game. What do you guys think? So long as you haven't had an exclusivity conversation with a woman and are then lying afterwards, and are using protection with ALL women you are sleeping with, then yes, it's perfectly ethical. I don't date one man at a time, if more than one presents itself. We don't look for one job at a time, why look for a potential mate one at a time? 1
pickflicker Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Honestly, it really seems like wanting to date a couple of girls at once is one of my goals this year. So I'll state it here, that this year I want to make-out with two different girls within one month of each other. If not that, then a quick peck on the lips will do. I slept with 2 guys in one week once, years ago. It made me realise I wasn't crazy about either of them, and I didn't waste any further time. It was efficient.
somedude81 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I slept with 2 guys in one week once, years ago. It made me realise I wasn't crazy about either of them, and I didn't waste any further time. It was efficient. Ha! Efficient That's speed dating for you 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Or why not only date people whom you have crazy chemistry with? If there are those people out there whom you are just CRAZY for on date 1 and that compell you to NOT want to date others after meeting this special someone, WHY date people who you don't get blown away by???? I try. And I got burned over the past Summer. Stupid crazy chemistry after the first date with a lady. We had a wild two months and then ppffft. I still look for and enjoy that chemistry. But I need to make sure there's more to something than just lusty chemistry. It's not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. There has to be more. 1
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