avoforastig Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I recently became single after a few years. Now that I'm older and live in a bigger city, I seem to have noticed that dating multiple women seems to be quite popular and acceptable. I'd like try dating a variety of women to see how it goes while getting back on the scene. I don't plan on developing an intimate relationship or having sex with multiple women simultaneously. I'm a very ethical person and I can't help but feel somewhat guilty by juggling two or three women for a few dates each. Is it acceptable to go on a few dates with a couple different women simultaneously? This seems very attractive and logical given the fickle nature of the dating game. What do you guys think?
nescafe1982 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Personally, I think it's not only acceptable (as long as you're not physically involved with them), it's smart. Dating is a numbers gamed, especially if you're in your 30s or 40s and meet fewer women in your everyday life (you know, like you did in school). I multidated the last time I was single, and it really helped me refine my sense of what i wanted in a man. It had been some time for me... and I entered the dating scene not really knowing what i was looking for, so I cast the net widely, and was surprised by how much I learned. The guy I ended up with is not what I thought my "type" was... but when he asked me out, I felt free to say yes because I wasn't pushing myself to commit to one guy right away. I'm glad I did, too, because I've learned a lot from the relationship that's resulted. 10
Keenly Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 For first few dates ? Absolutely its ethical. If you want to keep going with it you should probably make sure they all know about each other. 3
salparadise Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Yes, nothing inherently wrong with it as long as you don't lead any of them to believe that you're exclusive. You aren't required to make any preemptive disclosures as it's presumed that you are not exclusive unless you agree to be. Of course it's probably going to get complicated if you shagging one while trying to date others. I find it hard to remember to whom I've told which stories and taken to specific places sometimes, so it pays to make some notes. Also, if you have a favorite restaurant where the waitresses know you, make sure you're tipping well. 3
salparadise Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 ...you should probably make sure they all know about each other. Do you really think so? I think all they need to know is that you're a free agent and might possibly be seeing others. Beyond that, the less they know the better. You wouldn't want them exchanging numbers and organizing a fan club or anything would you?
deathandtaxes Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Yes, nothing inherently wrong with it as long as you don't lead any of them to believe that you're exclusive. You aren't required to make any preemptive disclosures as it's presumed that you are not exclusive unless you agree to be. Of course it's probably going to get complicated if you shagging one while trying to date others. I find it hard to remember to whom I've told which stories and taken to specific places sometimes, so it pays to make some notes. Also, if you have a favorite restaurant where the waitresses know you, make sure you're tipping well. Agreed. No sex when multi-dating. I love the bolded part. I have multi-dated a little bit. The more at once the worse it gets. Either have a dang good memory or truly start writing stuff down. 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I believe that as soon as you meet that person who knocks your socks off, you absolutely DO NOT continue dating others. So... You meet a bunch of people who you are attracted to and you like to be around and who you think may fit in with your criteria/value system. Personally, I wait for the guy who gets my heart racing and who also seems like a genuinely decent person. I don't care about looks or income. There are people out there who you will meet just ONCE and you will instantly just "feel" it with; they are people in your life that you will just feel something special about. There are people you will meet of the opposite sex, who you will feel too strongly about to just date others because " it is logical" to do so. Sure, it is rare to have a first date with someone that you are really into from date one, but IT HAPPENS; it is not THAT rare to meet a person who you are nuts about right away. My current partner really liked me a lot from date one; my good friends partner really felt something great about her from their first date, too. Why meet people you are "meh" about, and continue dating them in the hope that you "grow" really into them. There are those people that just get your heart racing from date one. It is called electric chemistry plus a nice seeming person who you cannot simply "date other people" once you meet this special someone..... I do not see a point in dating men who I am not excited about getting a text from; who I do not have a great feeling about and who do not get my heart racing when they call or text...... And yes, I do also make sure they are good people who are compatible long term with me; I do not JUST accept any guy who I have hot chemistry with:sick: 1
Keenly Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I believe that as soon as you meet that person who knocks your socks off, you absolutely DO NOT continue dating others. So... You meet a bunch of people who you are attracted to and you like to be around and who you think may fit in with your criteria/value system. Personally, I wait for the guy who gets my heart racing and who also seems like a genuinely decent person. I don't care about looks or income. There are people out there who you will meet just ONCE and you will instantly just "feel" it with; they are people in your life that you will just feel something special about. There are people you will meet of the opposite sex, who you will feel too strongly about to just date others because " it is logical" to do so. Sure, it is rare to have a first date with someone that you are really into from date one, but IT HAPPENS; it is not THAT rare to meet a person who you are nuts about right away. My current partner really liked me a lot from date one; my good friends partner really felt something great about her from their first date, too. Why meet people you are "meh" about, and continue dating them in the hope that you "grow" really into them. There are those people that just get your heart racing from date one. It is called electric chemistry plus a nice seeming person who you cannot simply "date other people" once you meet this special someone..... I do not see a point in dating men who I am not excited about getting a text from; who I do not have a great feeling about and who do not get my heart racing when they call or text...... And yes, I do also make sure they are good people who are compatible long term with me; I do not JUST accept any guy who I have hot chemistry with:sick: One cannot put their dating life on hold because they met some one they like. This is what exclusivity / relationship means. If you are not in a relationship, then why not date other people? You have no real reason to expect that person is even going to like you like you like them. Sounds like a good way to all of your eggs in one basket and then get sad when your basket gets run over by a truck. 3
Leigh 87 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 You know, I used to strongly believe in multi dating. I still do think it is right for some people. It just isn't for me. I tried it. It made the most sense. But it is not who I am, so I should have specified that it was not for everyone. It is honestly the most logical sounding thing to do. It simply is not how I found my current boyfriend, since he is the type to find a girl he is really into, and then focus on them before shifting his attention to others. I am like my boyfriend; I talk to a guy online, I really have a good feeling about him, and although I KNOW I do NOT know him, I still take a chance and GET to know him before moving my focus onto another man. I am simply not that desperate enough to find a man, that multi dating appeals to me; I am cool to wait it out with one guy before dating others. I am in no rush. Here is my multi dating experience: My ex who turned out to be a jerk, when we met, we both had such electric chemistry that he wanted to be exclusive from date one; I, on the other hand, thought that I had a right to talk to another guy (and not be physical with him) since guy one had not yet gained my trust; it is all well and good that I was into HIM, but I thought to myself " well, I have a right to keep my options open until this guy PROVES he ALSO likes me a lot, too! ...The thing was, while I dated guy one and I talked to guy two, I had the POTENTIAL to fall for guy two, yet guy one was the guy that most got my heart racing. It was as though I had a CLEAR winner who I wanted to be with, and another guy as a back up. ... So.... now only date guys I am REALLY into and who I feel STRONG chemistry with from date one, since there WILL ALWAYS be that one person who gets your heart racing more than the others. I go after the one guy who gets my heart racing the most, see where that goes, and then move on to the next. It does not mean I invest too much anymore, though I realise I was once like that. No, focusing on one man at a time does NOT mean you have to invest too much in them; you just explore them before moving onto others. 2
Woggle Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Just be honest and give them the choice of whether or not they want to be in that kind of situation. 6
Author avoforastig Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 This brings up other related thoughts such as: How many dates should it really take to make a decision on a person? When should the consideration of a dating a few people even kick in? I'd think one person would end up being a stand out after going on a few dates but I guess its possible none of them could be. I'm having a lot of trouble since I have never really dated since starting my career. It all seems much more foreign. In the past, I'd usually meet someone and already know them a bit before dating them, from a mutual friend, etc. Internet dating is like cold calling for job. I'm certainly not desperate. Ideally, I'd rather focus on one lady as in the past, but getting unexpectedly flaked on when things seem to be going well can be really frustrating. I thought I'd at least try going on a few dates with a few different women in short succession to see if it improves my perspective and I don't settle. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feeling or be a prick.
somedude81 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I'm interested in multi-dating as I've never done it before. I've always wondered what it's like to have sex with two different women in the same week. Of course I would use protection in all occurrences until exclusivity.
InnocentMan Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Where do people get the time and energy from to 'multi-date'? I find dating one woman a complete and utter ballache, never mind trying to balance 3 or 4 at a time. The dating phase is the least enjoyable time of a relationship from my point of view. Why multiply the torture? 8
Joaquin Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 With dating, especially online, u can line up 3, 4 or more dates a week. Sometimes they don't happen, other times they do. People disappear all the time in the online world. Seems not unreasonable to keep a few options until u get a commitment of some kind from someone, such as a " Hey, this is looking promising, wanna be exclusive?" Until then just have fun, fun fun. 1
oldshirt Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 dating by its very nature is a noncomitted interview and tryout process. Neither is under any commitment whatsoever. Either party can accept or decline dates at their own whim. Multidating is to be assumed until a mutual exclusivity agreement is achieved. In other words until an exclusivity agreement is reached and mutually agreed upon, you should assume that anyone you take out is seeing others and they should assume you are seeing others as well. Even if the circumstances are such that you aren't seeing others, that assumption should be in place anyway. The default setting is that there is no commitment either way and that either party is free to come and go as they please up until both parties enter into an expressed (not implied) exclusivity agreement. And as others have said, multi dating is not only acceptable and ethical, it is advisable. Basically as long as you are not misleading people into thinking something more is taking place, you basically do what you want and they do what they want. At it's core, dating is spending time with someone and doing things with that person to determine if you want to spend more time with and ultimately pair-bond with them or not. There is virtually no commitment and either party is free to come and go as they please without restriction.
oldshirt Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 This brings up other related thoughts such as: How many dates should it really take to make a decision on a person? You know when you know. If you take someone out and you want to see them again, ask them out. they will either accept or decline based on their opinion of you. If you don't want to take them out again, don't. It really is that simple when you break it down.
d0nnivain Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I'm interested in multi-dating as I've never done it before. I've always wondered what it's like to have sex with two different women in the same week. Of course I would use protection in all occurrences until exclusivity. This is what turns women off multi-dating. Smart women will not have sex with somebody unless they have an exclusive relationship. Ethically it's perfectly OK to date multiple people. You simply make sure each person knows this is not an exclusive relationship. You don't have to announce that but if she starts talking about exclusivity you must be honest & either give it to her or tell her there are other people. The multiple dates only need to know about the theory of the others; they should not be able to identify each other & it's better if they are not in contact.
carhill Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Is it acceptable to go on a few dates with a couple different women simultaneously? This seems very attractive and logical given the fickle nature of the dating game. What do you guys think? Sure, time-honored tradition, as far back as my parent's generation, or earlier. It's called 'getting to know' people. Your stated ethics will describe your boundaries of interaction and drive any communication you offer. I've rarely met a woman (as a hetero man, I date women) who wasn't dating other men when we met, so it appears pretty equal opportunity. Go for it and enjoy your socializing; it can be a lot of fun! 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I've always wondered what it's like to have sex with two different women in the same week. Not as fun as you'd think. Just more physical than anything. Not nearly as fulfilling as sex with somebody you have a good bond with.
deathandtaxes Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Where do people get the time and energy from to 'multi-date'? I find dating one woman a complete and utter ballache, never mind trying to balance 3 or 4 at a time. The dating phase is the least enjoyable time of a relationship from my point of view. Why multiply the torture? I've encountered women recently who don't even want to go out once a week when they're not being serious, in the beginning of dating. So why not throw in one or more women? That can give you one or two dates a week. I had way too many dates in a week's span the week before this past xmas. It was a wild ride! Granted, I was off work the whole week so dates at night were something to look forward to. Just have to keep the stories straight 2
SYLLPalmer Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I'm interested in multi-dating as I've never done it before. I've always wondered what it's like to have sex with two different women in the same week. Of course I would use protection in all occurrences until exclusivity. Make sure you put on a rubber before they drop their drawers. You cant play just the tip and then expect to protect your assets. Just saying. The thing is it is really hard, for me, to be a militant protector in the casual arena and I ALMOST never enter it. You never know what someone has. Often times they don't either. Take it from me I got burned and while I had no intent on hurting others **** happens when you get swept away. All I am saying is that I present a "risk" and I have not done my due diligence every single time. I tell you this for your own protection not to bring on an onslaught of judgement. This is reality. STDs are not rampant because there are so many selfish ****ed up people out there. Life moves fast and if you don't take care of yourself nobody else will. 1
organizedchaos Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I believe that as soon as you meet that person who knocks your socks off, you absolutely DO NOT continue dating others. So... You meet a bunch of people who you are attracted to and you like to be around and who you think may fit in with your criteria/value system. Personally, I wait for the guy who gets my heart racing and who also seems like a genuinely decent person. I don't care about looks or income. There are people out there who you will meet just ONCE and you will instantly just "feel" it with; they are people in your life that you will just feel something special about. There are people you will meet of the opposite sex, who you will feel too strongly about to just date others because " it is logical" to do so. Sure, it is rare to have a first date with someone that you are really into from date one, but IT HAPPENS; it is not THAT rare to meet a person who you are nuts about right away. My current partner really liked me a lot from date one; my good friends partner really felt something great about her from their first date, too. Why meet people you are "meh" about, and continue dating them in the hope that you "grow" really into them. There are those people that just get your heart racing from date one. It is called electric chemistry plus a nice seeming person who you cannot simply "date other people" once you meet this special someone..... I do not see a point in dating men who I am not excited about getting a text from; who I do not have a great feeling about and who do not get my heart racing when they call or text...... And yes, I do also make sure they are good people who are compatible long term with me; I do not JUST accept any guy who I have hot chemistry with:sick: ONLY if the feeling is mutual. Otherwise you are investing too much in to one person too early in the process. I multidate until I find the one that has that the same level of mutual interest. Then I focus on them. But if you invest too much too early and its not mutual, you will come off as clingy and set yourself up for disappointment.
deathandtaxes Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 ONLY if the feeling is mutual. Otherwise you are investing too much in to one person too early in the process. I multidate until I find the one that has that the same level of mutual interest. Then I focus on them. But if you invest too much too early and its not mutual, you will come off as clingy and set yourself up for disappointment. I just got burned by a multi-dater, even though our feelings were mutual. At least she said as much. She just couldn't pull the trigger on us and I got the feeling she just wanted to play the field some more. She said she needed a break. Break, my ass. C'est la vie!
organizedchaos Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I just got burned by a multi-dater, even though our feelings were mutual. At least she said as much. She just couldn't pull the trigger on us and I got the feeling she just wanted to play the field some more. She said she needed a break. Break, my ass. C'est la vie! Then the feelings weren't as mutual as you thought or she said. Which is why you multidate until you find that person and it becomes clear. That way if one doesn't work, you have options and move on. 1
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