Effects of Infidelity

[PreciousOne]

I am an individual who has been involved in an affair for a long time my question to women who have been cheated on by their husbands is what effects does this have on you as a woman. I guess Im just asking because I want some type of perspective on the way I am making his wife feel by cheating with her husband. I hope the question Im asking is making sense to you all.

 

 

I hoping that your responses help me to walk away from this very unhealthy and sinful relationship.

[dreamingoftigers]

Worst thing I have ever gone through including being abandoned and abused as a child.

 

I cried for over 400 days straight, hated my life and was devastated.

 

My marriage is still recovering. If it ever truly can.

[katielee]

Although being a BS has caused terrible grief in my life, being a WS had me contemplating suicide.

Look inside yourself to see if you're secretly competitive with women. I was. You have loads more work to do on yourself as a WS than she does as a BS, believe me.

[Raena]

It made me feel worthless, second best, used, degraded, humiliated, ashamed, angry, sad, pathetic.

 

That's how your wife will feel when she finds out.

 

I'm sinking further and further into depression. I feel like I'm in a mudbog, trying to dig my way out but the more I dig, the deeper I go.

 

It is, by far, the worst I have ever felt in my life. Nothing else compares.

[tiredofitall2]

Although being a BS has caused terrible grief in my life, being a WS had me contemplating suicide.

Look inside yourself to see if you're secretly competitive with women. I was. You have loads more work to do on yourself as a WS than she does as a BS, believe me.

 

What makes you say this?, I'm curious because my STBXW is in your situation right now.

[dreamingoftigers]

What makes you say this?, I'm curious because my STBXW is in your situation right now.

 

Apparently it's quite a well-documented thing among wayward women.

 

They have an incredible amount of guilt and shame about affairs. Often women are not able to compartmentalize it and we are SO socialized with the "guilt/sex/slut" stigma that it is no surprise at all that wayward women coming out of all of it have an intensely difficult time recovering their self-esteem.

 

Wayward women are far more likely to be divorced than wayward men. It scars the reputation and women often feel more relational guilt in general.

 

Neurologically, we don't divide our affections very well so alternating between partners creates overlapping connections. Men have one main area connected to intimacy and another to sex. Ours overlap.

 

Its just a mess. Plus touch is crucial to our deep limbic system's balance, so the withdrawak would be harsh.

 

One place I never want to go.

[aliveagain]

Do you have a significant other? How would you feel if I was banging her/him for two years and you just found out?

[Fluttershy]

I love my H so very much.

 

And then I hated him too.

 

I did a few things I regret that were caused by his A.

 

I have healed and he has healed. But it was a lot of sht we shouldn't have went thru. My H's affair was an oppurtunity affair not actively sought. If his MoW hadn't been available it eould have happened. Same goes for my H. If one of them had stopped both families wouldn't have went thru this.

 

So don't think the marriage is his responsiblity. When you enter into a relationship with a MM you become a second wife. Your not free of wrongdoing. You handed him the gun.

[PreciousOne]

Not once did I try to lessen my wrongfulness in this situation. I always knew that being with a married man was wrong to all parties involved, at the age of sixteen I simply didn't see it getting this far or even going past the first night to be honest. I needed a lot of things and didn't really care about the consequences but I was young and stupid but that doesn't excuse why Im still in the situation. I cant help how I feel about this man I wish with all my heart that I could hate him but unfortunately I feel the opposite way about him and its hard to walk away even though I know its a dead end.

 

 

I do not have significant other unfortunately because my head s so wrapped around this man This is the first person I've ever felt as if I loved and that is ****d up in itself.

 

 

 

 

I understand the hurt it would feel but I haven't experienced it before and wanted some insight into it.....hence the question I ask.

[carhill]

I am an individual who has been involved in an affair for a long time my question to women who have been cheated on by their husbands is what effects does this have on you as a woman.

 

Could you clarify.... is this affair transparent to his spouse or is it currently opaque to her? That aspect could have relevance to specific feelings. I ask this because of the title of the thread, 'Effects of infidelity' and that you state you've been in an affair for a long time. That *can* be different from 'cheating', vastly different. Any insight?

[confusedandhurt2002]

Do you want the emotions or the long term? I'm six months out and finding out turned my world upside down. It made me question everything and everyone. My entire idea of romance and who I was even independent of romance was shattered. I lost who I was. I lost who I was as a wife, but also as a woman. I questioned every move I'd made in the last three years. I saw myself as unwanted, unattractive, horrible, a POS who couldn't make her husband happy, like I'd been lied to for years and my entire reality wasn't even my reality.

 

I have so many issues to work through beyond just what he did it isn't even funny.

 

I don't look at marriage the same way -- I doubt that people are being sincere or truthful in any part of life. I look at everyone as liars. I walk down the street and think "I bet that guy is screwing around on his wife."

I have withdrawn inside myself and try not to tell my family about any of my problems so I don't over burden them.

 

Check back in a few months and we will see if my self esteem is any better or if it is still destroyed like a wrecking ball tearing through a building. And by the way....you've already destroyed this wife. The damage is done if you end it now or not. You've taken much more away from her than you will realize. You just have to move forward and do what is right..not only for her but for you.

[Arieswoman]

My exH cheating on me was the worst experience of my whole life.

 

There is no way I can descibe the hurt and betrayal I felt.

 

My (ex)husband was the one person I trusted above all others. I would have trusted him with my life. And he used this trust to deceive me.

 

I never thought it was possible to feel so hurt and so angry at the same time.

 

I can understand why betrayed lovers commit murder - I really can.

 

My husbands cheating ( including sleeping with his trollop in our bed ) devalued everything we ever had. It made me wonder if/when he had done it before and if our whole marriage of 8 years was based on lies.

 

I divorced him and moved on, to eventually marry a wonderful chap, but that doesn't give me back the 8 years I wasted on a low-life, back-stabbing, cheating, lying POS.

 

It took me years to get over this and learn to trust another man again.

Edited January 18, 2014 by Arieswoman

[dreamingoftigers]

I am an individual who has been involved in an affair for a long time my question to women who have been cheated on by their husbands is what effects does this have on you as a woman. I guess Im just asking because I want some type of perspective on the way I am making his wife feel by cheating with her husband. I hope the question Im asking is making sense to you all.

 

 

I hoping that your responses help me to walk away from this very unhealthy and sinful relationship.

 

Hold on. You were 16 when this started?

 

How long have you been in the affair?

 

OW tend to get their self-esteem worn away too it Often seems.

There was one on here for the longest time using 12-step coping skills to stay in her affair.

She really thought they would end up together in the end.

To be honest. I don't KNOW FOR SURE but I doubt it. He told his wife about her and then she disappeared from posting. She posted quite frequently too.

[Speakingofwhich]

I am an individual who has been involved in an affair for a long time my question to women who have been cheated on by their husbands is what effects does this have on you as a woman. I guess Im just asking because I want some type of perspective on the way I am making his wife feel by cheating with her husband. I hope the question Im asking is making sense to you all.

 

 

I hoping that your responses help me to walk away from this very unhealthy and sinful relationship.

 

PreciousOne, most likely she'll feel many or all of the emotions other posters have already described plus shock and disgust that her 50-year-old husband would become involved with a 16-year-old homeless girl in this way. (I think you are the poster who began an A with a fifty year-old man at the age of sixteen?)

 

My heart goes out to you and I consider this to be possibly abusive. I wish that you could find a counselor and get some help as I can imagine this A has confused you a lot.

[dreamingoftigers]

I cant help how I feel about this man I wish with all my heart that I could hate him but unfortunately I feel the opposite way about him and its hard to walk away even though I know its a dead end.

 

 

I do not have significant other unfortunately because my head s so wrapped around this man This is the first person I've ever felt as if I loved and that is ****d up in itself.

 

 

 

 

I understand the hurt it would feel but I haven't experienced it before and wanted some insight into it.....hence the question I ask.

 

You can't help your feelings. True.

BUT (hear me out here!) If I smoked crack (even in a drunken stupor!) It would most likely FEEL REALLY GOOD.

 

My husband did it once long before he met me. He said he was lucky he wasn't in a position to obtain more of it because the feeling was so intense that it overrode all sensical response. He was willing to do ANYTHING to get more crack. Even sexual stuff if he had to. BUT the option in the moment wasn't open and he came down off of it.

 

Later on he did do it again and was disgusted with himself for making himself that vulnerable again and was "playing with fire." He stopped.

 

I can pretty much guess that if I smoked crack I would want more and more and would feel like I couldn't stop the feelings.

BUT I CAN REMOVE THE STIMULI BEFORE DESTROYING MY LIFE.

 

That you do have control over.

It will feel uncomfortable, sad, frustrating and anxious at first removing someone who triggers you so emotionally.

 

But you KNOW this relationships is intimately toxic to you. You've been in it since 16. Which means you are missing regular, fun dating experiences (and yes heartbreaks).

 

Even if you DID end up with MM you would probably regret missing that time in your youth. IMHO married men KNOW what they are taking from teenage OW. I view it is a form of theft and abuse. Regardless of how much he may feel that he "needs" you.

 

Furthermore, you already know that you can't trust MM because he responds to relational stress and personal circumstance by sneaking around and cheating and his way of "coping."

 

You will always wonder if you are meeting his needs and not truly KNOW because he doesn't deal directly with conflict. He turns to outside attention and affection.

 

The Betrayed Wife is probably not knowing why her husband is so checked-out of the relationship. MM often portray themselves as "giving so much." But is he really? How much could he be giving with a split-focus? This man who can't "get his own personal needs met" in the marriage can somehow mathematically simultaneously meet the needs of two women? Really? Do his days get extra hours?

 

And you don't have to HATE him to stop the cycle. Just like you don't have to hate crack to stop smoking it. (If that's an issue for you I suggest dealing with that too! )

 

What you do have to do is realize:

 

1. It's toxic in it's current form

2. You aren't proud of doing it

3. Certain things trigger you to want to turn to it for comfort. Figure out your triggers and fears.

4. Realize it will be uncomfortable and scary to change what brings you comfort. It may require further sacrifice.

5. You will have a variety of feelings. Realize them. Don't try to block them. Hell, name them if you have to. I even acknowledge mine. "Oh hey Anxiety, looks like you're coming to work with me today. You can hang around as long as you want but I have to get stuff done." I find it usually lessens or eliminates the feeling altogether when I accept it and acknowledge it.

6. Decide what you want in place of what you ate replacing. For you, it might be the potential of a healthy relationship of family or your own. That will give you lots of good feelings to look forward to. If I were a crack smoker I would want my mental autonomy back. Not feel controlled by a substance. So "mental freedom" would be my replacement.

7. Then STOP DOING THE TOXIC activity.

8. If you go back to the toxic activity. GIVE YOURSELF SOME COMPASSION. You messed up. But LEARN what the trigger and justification was and STOP AGAIN.

 

You know what OP?

I am going to heed my own advice (gasp) with sugar. I need to quit the refined sugar and just go through the feelings and structure my life accordingly.

[chelsea2011]

Shouldn't this thread be in the infidelity forum?

 

Preciousone, being involved with a 50 year old man at 16 is not normal. There are organizations you can go to that will help you transition out of this relationship. They will help you focus on turning you life experiences into positives.

[PreciousOne]

Could you clarify.... is this affair transparent to his spouse or is it currently opaque to her? That aspect could have relevance to specific feelings. I ask this because of the title of the thread, 'Effects of infidelity' and that you state you've been in an affair for a long time. That *can* be different from 'cheating', vastly different. Any insight?

 

 

 

 

I would have to say that the relationship is opaque. Im not really sure if she knows Im sure she has suspicions but is most likely clueless about who and he is a very good liar. It has been almost 9 years of being the OW.

 

 

@Chelsea2011 I thought that I had posted in the infidelity forum. Still figuring out how to operate this site.

 

 

 

I guess my problem is being alone. (?) I have no friends or anyone to talk to besides my sister and my grandma. My sister tells me all the things everyone here is saying but I don't know. Im determined to make this change and not let this make it to/past the 9yr mark.

[chelsea2011]

Hey, being alone is nothing to be afraid of once you start exploring what really makes you happy. Being alone to start gives you a blank canvas that you can paint in any way you choose. You are free to start choosing friends that add to your life and care about you as a person as opposed to settling for people who only take from you to fulfill their own needs. You can start exploring the things that interest you and through that you will meet new friends as well.

 

Its hard I know, but nothing to be afraid of. You will make that leap when you are ready.

[lollipopspot]

Preciousone, being involved with a 50 year old man at 16 is not normal. There are organizations you can go to that will help you transition out of this relationship. They will help you focus on turning you life experiences into positives.

 

The problem isn't that it isn't normal, the problem is that it's illegal and unethical. The guy is a predator. She was 16 years old, homeless.

 

OP, you were victimized by this situation and probably the upbringing that led you to be a homeless 16 year old.

 

Does the wife have any clue about his involvement with you? His partner definitely should know what her husband has done. I can often have some empathy for someone who gets caught up in an affair. Really hard for me to have empathy for a predator who preys on a vulnerable youth.

[PreciousOne]

 

 

Does the wife have any clue about his involvement with you? His partner definitely should know what her husband has done. I can often have some empathy for someone who gets caught up in an affair. Really hard for me to have empathy for a predator who preys on a vulnerable youth.

 

 

 

 

 

No I believe she has had suspicions in the past but Im sure he talked her out of her suspicions. I understand everyone feels he is a "predator" but I don't see it that way. Yea I know he was too old but before I met him I was involved with a guy who was 37 Iv never dated remotely close to my age if u consider that dating but Im sure all of those men were just using me too being that I was so young and naïve. My parents and practically my entire family lied about my age for me.

[lollipopspot]

I understand everyone feels he is a "predator" but I don't see it that way. Yea I know he was too old but before I met him I was involved with a guy who was 37

 

That's why these laws are in criminal law. It doesn't matter what the victim thinks about it, it's still a crime. The act of an older person having sex with an underage person is illegal. I get there can be extenuating circumstances if the ages are like 16 and 19. But 37 and 14 or 15, or 50 and 16? No. It's especially damning that you were homeless.

 

There's something extremely broken and predatory about this guy, that he was a 50 year old married man having sex with a 16 year old homeless female.

 

I guess he saved money on a sex tour to Thailand though.

[Speakingofwhich]

No I believe she has had suspicions in the past but Im sure he talked her out of her suspicions. I understand everyone feels he is a "predator" but I don't see it that way. Yea I know he was too old but before I met him I was involved with a guy who was 37 Iv never dated remotely close to my age if u consider that dating but Im sure all of those men were just using me too being that I was so young and naïve. My parents and practically my entire family lied about my age for me.

 

The 37-year-old was a predator, too, PreciousOne. You were probably younger than 16 at that time, right?

 

You really need to contact social services in your area and get some help if you can't afford a counselor.

 

It's possible that you were abused as a child, not saying you were. But, it seems you may have been set up for this type thing when you were a child. Not being a professional I could be off base here but it really would be good for you to turn to those who can help you with this, counselors.

[PreciousOne]

I was repeatedly raped as a child by my grandmothers husband. With that being said Im not trying to make my self out to be a victim of circumstance. I know that what I am doing isn't right and yea maybe its wrong that I have an attraction for older.

 

 

I would like to go to counseling desperately but I cannot afford that whatsoever.

 

 

Past aside I need advice detailed advice not just walk away or no contact. Help me come up with a plan how did you women do it what was your final straw, you AHA moment?

[Speakingofwhich]

I was repeatedly raped as a child by my grandmothers husband. With that being said Im not trying to make my self out to be a victim of circumstance. I know that what I am doing isn't right and yea maybe its wrong that I have an attraction for older.

 

 

I would like to go to counseling desperately but I cannot afford that whatsoever.

 

 

Past aside I need advice detailed advice not just walk away or no contact. Help me come up with a plan how did you women do it what was your final straw, you AHA moment?

 

 

How old are you, PreciousOne? Do you have a job and do you have an education?

 

What kind of personal support do you have? Family? Friends? Church?

 

I'm asking these questions as you are wanting to figure out how to get out of this A. You probably will need to just stop, go NC.

 

But, if you can get a job in another city to get away from him it would be good.

 

However, if you have good support there and a good job then it may make sense to stay there and go NC.

 

Hence the questions.

[skywriter]

I agree with Speakingofwhich "if you have good support there and a good job then it may make sense to stay there and go NC."

 

Also, mentally preparing yourself, to draw a perverbial line in the sand. Tell yourself, once you decide, there is no backsliding, do it with the understanding, that you can never look back, go back, contact. Just go with the gift of moving on, lesson learned.

 

 

You are gonna be like dreamingoftigers explained, withdrawing, but you gotta go through it to get to the other side. You'll never experience the other side until you allow yourself to get there. I'm there, hope you'll come.