Duvodas Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) So, I’m a male graduate student on a graduate student budget, which puts me slightly above poverty line, if not right on it. I would like to go out on dates, but I always discourage myself as soon I start thinking about how the woman is going to expect me to pay for everything. Yes, I’m being cheap. And no, I do not give a damn. This is an equal society—or at least strives to beone. Women work and make money, just like I do. While I don’t want the woman topay for me, either, I want her to be able to take care of own. I’ve heard people saying that the men should always pay on a date—unless the woman offers to go Dutch (notice how no one actually says the woman offers to pay “the whole thing”). I’m trying to figure out a way of inviting someone to share a meal, or some drinks, knowing beforehand that this person is not expecting me to take care of her bill. Any suggestions on this? Thanks. Edited January 17, 2014 by Duvodas
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Please do a search here on LS. This topic is discussed daily. 1
Els Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Please do a search here on LS. This topic is discussed daily. Multiple times a day, in fact. But, I will indulge the OP with a short answer. If you want to go dutch, do so, and seek compatible women.
salparadise Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 So, I’m a male graduate student on a graduate student budget, which puts me slightly above poverty line, if not right on it. I would like to go out on dates, but I always discourage myself as soon I start thinking about how the woman is going to expect me to pay for everything. Yes, I’m being cheap. And no, I do not give a damn. This is an equal society—or at least strives to beone. Women work and make money, just like I do. While I don’t want the woman topay for me, either, I want her to be able to take care of own. I’ve heard people saying that the men should always pay on a date—unless the woman offers to go Dutch (notice how no one actually says the woman offers to pay “the whole thing”). I’m trying to figure out a way of inviting someone to share a meal, or some drinks, knowing beforehand that this person is not expecting me to take care of her bill. Any suggestions on this? Thanks. Use the search function. There is a consolidated thread plus a recent thread on this topic in this same section. Hundreds of posts. Being a grad student gives you a temporary pass, but you can ask women out on dates that aren't expensive. But if you're just too tight to pay, student status notwithstanding... you're going to have to limit yourself to progressive, evolved women.
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Here's a link to the 1st thread I found on the subject. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/455176-guys-paying-first-date
Author Duvodas Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks for the help, guys. I'll definitively search for these threads now.
Els Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks for the help, guys. I'll definitively search for these threads now. You can do that, but really, you're just setting yourself up for a waste of time with that one. Seriously, just have the conviction to go for whatever you want. There will always be people judging you for anything you do. Screw them, and be yourself. Compatible people will come.
Author Duvodas Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 After a cursory reading of the suggested threads, I realized just that. Everybody has different points of views, different--and incompatible--opinions. It's hard to get anything concrete. Not to mention none of them answer my questions, namely, how do I know that this girl is not expecting me to pay for her BEFORE I invite her to go out. The problem with "compatible people will come" is that, in the meantime, I could potentially keep going on these dates (looking for said compatible person), and keep getting into this awkward situations in which she expects me to pay for her. Like I said, I discourage myself. 1
Els Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 After a cursory reading of the suggested threads, I realized just that. Everybody has different points of views, different--and incompatible--opinions. Yes, these threads tend to devolve into close-minded bickering and veiled insults before the tenth page, I notice. It's just one of those hot-button topics here, like pussy shaving or when to have sex. how do I know that this girl is not expecting me to pay for her BEFORE I invite her to go out. Why is it so important that you find out 'before'? It's just a couple of dates. Just make sure it is a very cheap and affordable place (I suggest coffee/drinks), then pay your own part of the bill. She will then have to pay her own, and most will, regardless of whether they like it or not. You will then find out whether or not you are compatible by her response after the date.
Author Duvodas Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 Why is it so important that you find out 'before'? It's just a couple of dates. Just make sure it is a very cheap and affordable place (I suggest coffee/drinks), then pay your own part of the bill. She will then have to pay her own, and most will, regardless of whether they like it or not. You will then find out whether or not you are compatible by her response after the date. I just don't want to have an awkward situations at the end with the bill. I am very socially awkward as it is. I guess I haven't gone on a lot of dates to have a concrete idea in regards to, come the time to pay the bill, if I just place my half on the table, she will have to, like you said, pay her half regardless of whether she likes it or not. But I'll give that a try, see what happens. Thanks a bunch.
MixedUpChick Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 You'll definitely find a lot of different opinions on this topic, but here's my .02. I participate in a forum about online dating, it happens to be male-dominated. There are a lot of young guys who post there (20s & 30s) and the consensus there has mostly been - first date - if you ask her out, you should pick up the tab.
Author Duvodas Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 You'll definitely find a lot of different opinions on this topic, but here's my .02. I participate in a forum about online dating, it happens to be male-dominated. There are a lot of young guys who post there (20s & 30s) and the consensus there has mostly been - first date - if you ask her out, you should pick up the tab. Appreciate the response. But again, that's not what my question is. I want to ask her out knowing already that I won't have to pick up her tab. I'm just trying to figure out a way of knowing this without explicitly asking her. I guess I should just take her out to a museum, or some other place that's free. I mean, I live near D.C., so it shouldn't be that hard.
nescafe1982 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 If you're a broke grad student who can't afford much, you will just have to be more creative in planning the dates you set up. Depending on where you live, there could be any number of free events you could go to... and after? Coffee/tea and a chat. Grad school is a medium-term commitment. Any woman who dates you will have to understand that you can't afford the moon every time. But by working with what you have, you can really impress a gal. I met my SO in grad school. Our first three dates probably cost $50, combined. ...and yes, he paid.
MixedUpChick Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Appreciate the response. But again, that's not what my question is. I want to ask her out knowing already that I won't have to pick up her tab. I'm just trying to figure out a way of knowing this without explicitly asking her. I guess I should just take her out to a museum, or some other place that's free. I mean, I live near D.C., so it shouldn't be that hard. Sorry, I thought you were asking in general. If you haven't asked her out yet, why not ask her out & suggest going Dutch right off the bat? If you're not comfortable doing that, going the free route is a good alternative, then if the date goes well you can bring up the topic during conversation on the date, to set the expectations for next time. 1
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Appreciate the response. But again, that's not what my question is. I want to ask her out knowing already that I won't have to pick up her tab. I'm just trying to figure out a way of knowing this without explicitly asking her. I guess I should just take her out to a museum, or some other place that's free. I mean, I live near D.C., so it shouldn't be that hard. Seriously, just pick a 3 or 4 cheap to free locations that are semi romantic and drag every woman you date to those spots. I've got a few friend who literally have this down to a system. He tells me where the date is and I know exactly what stage they are at. I can't make that work because my memory is too bad. I can really only date one at a time or I start mixing stuff up. 2
Author Duvodas Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 Sorry, I thought you were asking in general. If you haven't asked her out yet, why not ask her out & suggest going Dutch right off the bat? If you're not comfortable doing that, going the free route is a good alternative, then if the date goes well you can bring up the topic during conversation on the date, to set the expectations for next time. Thanks! That DOES help. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 After a cursory reading of the suggested threads, I realized just that. Everybody has different points of views, different--and incompatible--opinions. It's hard to get anything concrete. Not to mention none of them answer my questions, namely, how do I know that this girl is not expecting me to pay for her BEFORE I invite her to go out. You ASSUME that you will be paying for the whole date because you did the asking. Plan a date where you can afford to pick up the whole check. I would rather a guy spend $10 at the grocery store & take me on a picnic then select a fancy restaurant & expect me to pick up my half of the check. As sexist as that may be, it's the truth. Even if I'm wrong & you meet a woman who wants to go Dutch all the time, the fact that you are prepared to deal with the worst case scenario -- having to pay for the whole date -- puts you in a position where you can relax. It's called planning ahead. After you plan the 1st date that you can afford you can talk about the finances of dating. Nobody thinks grad students are made of money. 1
burningashes Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 You should ask right off the bat, if it's a problem for you to pay, it's on you to bring that up. "Hey, I'm a grad student, so money is a little tight. Would you mind picking your tab up when we go out?" I think that's pretty reasonable. I'd be understanding if the guy let me know not to expect him to pay for my drinks because he's a broke grad student. 1
Author Duvodas Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 I would rather a guy spend $10 at the grocery store & take me on a picnic then select a fancy restaurant & expect me to pick up my half of the check. As sexist as that may be, it's the truth. That last bit sounds like some general truth that applies to every woman. I would respectfully disagree and argue that that is your truth, however. Even if I'm wrong & you meet a woman who wants to go Dutch all the time, the fact that you are prepared to deal with the worst case scenario -- having to pay for the whole date -- puts you in a position where you can relax. It's called planning ahead. After you plan the 1st date that you can afford you can talk about the finances of dating. Nobody thinks grad students are made of money. Thanks for the tips! I will definitively keep these things in mind.
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