MalachiX Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Ok, Here's the quick version. Met a girl online and we were talking for quite a while (longer messages than I've ever had with anyone). We finally get together for a coffee date. It doesn't go bad but I was a little out of it having not gotten much sleep the night before because of a last minute work thing. We make plans for a second date and this one goes quite really well. We seem to have an easy time making conversation and making each other laugh. As I drop her off at the end of the date, I go in for the kiss (just expecting something minor) but we end up making out a lot in the car. Finally, neither of us wants to stop so we go back into her place. I really didn't plan on things going very far that night (really) and, as she's letting me in, she tells me she wasn't really planning on letting me in either. Anyway, you can guess how this goes. We end up having some pretty great sex all night (mixed with a lot of nice cuddling and talking). I leave in the morning and we resolve to get together next week. Neither of us meant to have sex so soon; I honestly think we might have just been surprised at how much chemistry we seemed to have once we started kissing. My only concern is that I've known women (certainly a lot on these boards); who suddenly start feeling really bad if they have sex too early. They assume the guy will immediately ditch them after getting laid which isn't my intention at all. I don't think she's this type (she seemed pretty laid back) but it's hard to be sure. Are there any premptive measures I can take to let her know that I'm still interested in her for more than casual sex? Honestly, I hate the idea of saying something like, "I want you to know I still respect you" because that feels condescending. It also seems to imply that there's something disrespectful about sex or that there even needs to be some kind of explanation for having sex early. Thoughts?
Kizza Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Text or call her... Ask how she is/how was her day and ask her out on a date. A non sexual date. The kind where you interact, get to know each other on a fun/intellectual level.... This will show you are interested in another side to her opposed to physical. 3
oldshirt Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Ok, Honestly, I hate the idea of saying something like, "I want you to know I still respect you" because that feels condescending. It also seems to imply that there's something disrespectful about sex or that there even needs to be some kind of explanation for having sex early. Thoughts? I completely agree with you. Don't do or say anything that even remotely resembles that. 7
oldshirt Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Just call her and talk about normal get-to-know-ya type stuff and carry on as usual. If the topic of the night of great sex comes up, tell her you are still weak in the knees and invite her to lunch to recharge.
nescafe1982 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Has she said anything to the effect of feeling bad about moving this fast? If not, don't borrow troubles you don't have yet. You could actually make problems where they don't exist if you presume too much. If she brings it up, tell her how you honestly feel. obv, don't frame it as "I still respect you." But tell her much you enjoyed her company, in and out of the bedroom. But don't dwell on the issue. If she says something about wanting to slow down, then by all means honor that. But you know, maybe everything's okay.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Just keep asking her out and making it clear you're interested. I see no reason to bring up when you had sex unless she expresses any concern about it. This sounds good! 1
pteromom Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Sounds good. You can never go wrong with "I had a really good time last night." "Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow." etc, etc. When it comes to early sex, she is mostly going to be holding her breath to see if you stick around. Anything you can do to give her a little relief without coming across as clingy will be good. Just show her you are still interested. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 The women who have sex early feel bad because the guy disappears immediately after or seems to only want sex thereafter. Show her you like her & it will be a non-issue. 2
Els Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 The women who have sex early feel bad because the guy disappears immediately after or seems to only want sex thereafter. Show her you like her & it will be a non-issue. Yep, this. Invite her out on proper dates - go out and do some non-sexual romantic stuff together before you go to her place or yours. If she expresses disinterest in all that, then by all means go straight for it, but at the very least offer.
Thegreatestthing Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Nothing wrong with a bit of passion,don't explain the passion away ,please it's not necessary she will know by the fact that you are still calling her,wanting to date her etc that you did not use her.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 You're confusing what women say after they have sex and the guy doesn't stick around or he seems like he's not interested in her anymore or she feels she might jeopardize her "value"...then if he starts to disappear, never initiate conversation and all of that then it makes her feel badly about it...they're just worried you won't stick around and "give things a chance" which doesn't mean a whole lot to most men. So as long as you stick around you're fine, even if you don't see a future with her in the long-term as long as you don't bail right away she wont' consider it one-night-standish kind of thing, it will just be one of those "it didn't work out" situations as long as she feels respected and you continue along with the same behavior, keep taking her out yadda yadda yadda...unfortunately I can't reveal too much on this because of the agenda that these men do have that just want to poise themselves as the "good guy" (I don't want to advise lurking men) even though he isn't really that interested in her even though he sticks around...or does actually judge her which a lot guys would never admit, including yourself. Don't essentially tell her "You know...I don't think you're a whore or anything because you put out on the second date...I still respect you" or any variation of that...just continue seeing her and showing her that you're interested...however, don't act too interested or available because she might turn around and shoot you down (hey..just keeping it "real")...don't turn yourself into the "nice guy", but make no mistake about it...she was ready for it by the second date and not to take any rub away from your ego...but it's probably not exactly because you were a "Don juan" so don't get too ahead of yourself..she might be rebounding or just have been lonely...get to know her more...it doesn't exactly sound like there were any sparks flying necessarily that perpetuated the "romancing" so keep your eyes open casanova.
Author MalachiX Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 Thanks guys. The reason I'm sensitive about this is because of an ex girlfriend of mine. We slept together on our third "official date" (which didn't count a lot of platonic lunches and coffees we'd had prior before I finally got the courage to ask her out). We were together for three years after that yet, often when we'd have problems, she'd say something like, "I think you'd respect me more if we didn't sleep together so fast." It really drove me nuts because our early sex never affected how I felt about her as was indicated by the fact that we were together for so long. Anyway, for this girl I have to admit that the other night made me more interested rather than less; not because we had great sex (which we did); but because afterwards (while cuddling) I think we both dropped our guard a bit and felt more of a connection. As I said, she hasn't done anything to give me a sense she regrets last night but I'm just a bit on guard because of my ex.
MissBee Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) Ok, Here's the quick version. Met a girl online and we were talking for quite a while (longer messages than I've ever had with anyone). We finally get together for a coffee date. It doesn't go bad but I was a little out of it having not gotten much sleep the night before because of a last minute work thing. We make plans for a second date and this one goes quite really well. We seem to have an easy time making conversation and making each other laugh. As I drop her off at the end of the date, I go in for the kiss (just expecting something minor) but we end up making out a lot in the car. Finally, neither of us wants to stop so we go back into her place. I really didn't plan on things going very far that night (really) and, as she's letting me in, she tells me she wasn't really planning on letting me in either. Anyway, you can guess how this goes. We end up having some pretty great sex all night (mixed with a lot of nice cuddling and talking). I leave in the morning and we resolve to get together next week. Neither of us meant to have sex so soon; I honestly think we might have just been surprised at how much chemistry we seemed to have once we started kissing. My only concern is that I've known women (certainly a lot on these boards); who suddenly start feeling really bad if they have sex too early. They assume the guy will immediately ditch them after getting laid which isn't my intention at all. I don't think she's this type (she seemed pretty laid back) but it's hard to be sure. Are there any premptive measures I can take to let her know that I'm still interested in her for more than casual sex? Honestly, I hate the idea of saying something like, "I want you to know I still respect you" because that feels condescending. It also seems to imply that there's something disrespectful about sex or that there even needs to be some kind of explanation for having sex early. Thoughts? DO NOT send a message about I still respect you, it is indeed condescending. What you can do is continue seeing her, messaging her, calling her and make plans to see her again. Those are the ACTIONS that make a woman feel comfortable and see that you didn't just "pump and dump." I normally wait a while to have sex but with one of my boyfriends we had sex on the second date and I was very worried that it would turn into that kind of situation; however, he called me, texted me, made further plans and we continued seeing each other and made it an official relationship. What made me feel comfortable was his consistent and continued contact and initiative to ask me out on other dates after sex. Therefore, since you are into her, no need to send an awkward message about respect, simply continue checking in on her, messaging her and most definitely make plans for a future date. Also, make it an actual date out somewhere and not a "come over" thing, as she may feel like now that sex happened all you're gonna want now, even if you stick around for a bit, is sex on demand. Show her you still want to get to know her further and do things outside of sex or going to each other's houses. Edited January 18, 2014 by MissBee
ascendotum Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 ...however, don't act too interested or available because she might turn around and shoot you down (hey..just keeping it "real")...don't turn yourself into the "nice guy", but make no mistake about it... Slightly off topic...I wonder how many hit it & quit it guys out there flip things the other way and straight after sex deliberately come of as clingy, desperate, coocoo for marriage & babies with her, etc to get the woman running so they don't have to feel bad ignoring her + for a laugh. I knew a guy who used to sabotage things before they got too serious by revealing (false) bad stuff about himself so the girl dumped him. For the OP I agree with pteromom.
Thegreatestthing Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Exactly the passion promotes attraction and intimacy, emotional or otherwise,it's important to me. Anyway, for this girl I have to admit that the other night made me more interested rather than less; not because we had great sex (which we did); but because afterwards (while cuddling) I think we both dropped our guard a bit and felt more of a connection. As I said, she hasn't done anything to give me a sense she regrets last night but I'm just a bit on guard because of my ex.
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