mattpolo Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 My girlfriend of 10 months ended our relationship last month. I was confused, hurt, and sad. When I asked why she said we were getting very serious and she is afraid of commitment. I asked what she meant and she said she can't see herself at this point in her life committing her self to someone. When I asked if it's because she wants to see other guys, sh said no. She said she just wants to live life without worrying about making someone happy. She said she loves me, but just wants to focus on her career. Since we have been broken up we have continued hanging out. The chemistry is still there, and we are still close but I am still very confused. How should i handle this situation?
CarrieT Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 How should i handle this situation? Stop hanging out with her and move on. As long as she is within your circle, you will stay attached to her. Her message is telling you that she doesn't see you as the long-term/husband/life-long person in her life. Depending on your ages, this might be good and insightful as most people should not make those types of decisions until their late 20s/early 30s. The best thing you can do for yourself is is go No Contact to start the healing process before dating again. 4
oldshirt Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Stop hanging out with her and move on. As long as she is within your circle, you will stay attached to her. Her message is telling you that she doesn't see you as the long-term/husband/life-long person in her life. Depending on your ages, this might be good and insightful as most people should not make those types of decisions until their late 20s/early 30s. The best thing you can do for yourself is is go No Contact to start the healing process before dating again. Yes to this ^^^^^ If she want to be with you she would despite all else going in her life. If she doesn't want to be with you she won't despite what all else is going on in her life. The only healthy and productive thing you can do is move on. 2
Author mattpolo Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 but she has said she can see a future for us
oldshirt Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 My girlfriend of 10 months ended our relationship last month. When I asked why she said we were getting very serious and she is afraid of commitment. I asked what she meant and she said she can't see herself at this point in her life committing her self to someone. She said she just wants to live life without worrying about making someone happy. She said she loves me, but just wants to focus on her career. Ok reality check here. Read what you wrote up above. Women that see a future with someone will find a way to balance it with their careers. Women who see a future with someone want to make that person happy. Women who see a future with someone, crave commitment and do not fear it. And finally and most importantly, women who see a future with someone DO NOT BREAK UP WITH THEM!!!!! If she actually said she sees a future with you, then everything else that she has said and done completely trumps it. If she said that at all it was simply to soften the blow at best or to keep you hanging on and keep you waiting on the shelf in case all these other guys she's seeing don't work out. When someone breaks up with you, that means you move on and live your life and leave them behind because dumping you means they don't want to make life's journey with you. Cry in your beer for a night or two. Complain about her to your buddies. Break something. Then brush yourself off and start living the rest of your life. 4
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 The fact that she may be able to see a future with you is the PROBLEM. It's scaring the cr@p out of her. She doesn't want happily ever after at this point in her life. She wants something far less serious. If you chase her she will run harder & father away. 1
Author mattpolo Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 The fact that she may be able to see a future with you is the PROBLEM. It's scaring the cr@p out of her. She doesn't want happily ever after at this point in her life. She wants something far less serious. If you chase her she will run harder & father away. so what do i do?
Author mattpolo Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 Ok reality check here. Read what you wrote up above. Women that see a future with someone will find a way to balance it with their careers. Women who see a future with someone want to make that person happy. Women who see a future with someone, crave commitment and do not fear it. And finally and most importantly, women who see a future with someone DO NOT BREAK UP WITH THEM!!!!! If she actually said she sees a future with you, then everything else that she has said and done completely trumps it. If she said that at all it was simply to soften the blow at best or to keep you hanging on and keep you waiting on the shelf in case all these other guys she's seeing don't work out. When someone breaks up with you, that means you move on and live your life and leave them behind because dumping you means they don't want to make life's journey with you. Cry in your beer for a night or two. Complain about her to your buddies. Break something. Then brush yourself off and start living the rest of your life. its also family issues she's dealing with
Mrlonelyone Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Ok reality check here. Read what you wrote up above. Women that see a future with someone will find a way to balance it with their careers. Women who see a future with someone want to make that person happy. Women who see a future with someone, crave commitment and do not fear it. And finally and most importantly, women who see a future with someone DO NOT BREAK UP WITH THEM!!!!! If she actually said she sees a future with you, then everything else that she has said and done completely trumps it. If she said that at all it was simply to soften the blow at best or to keep you hanging on and keep you waiting on the shelf in case all these other guys she's seeing don't work out. She is almost certainly seeing or starting to see or wants to see other guys. If you are both young adults, under 25, then she certainly wants to see what else is out there. That is the reason people your age fear commitment. They fear tying themselves to anyone before knowing if they can possibly do better (which often just means different than what they've already done). When someone breaks up with you, that means you move on and live your life and leave them behind because dumping you means they don't want to make life's journey with you. Cry in your beer for a night or two. Complain about her to your buddies. Break something. Then brush yourself off and start living the rest of your life. This is what you should do OP. There really is nothing else you can do. The reason is because.... The fact that she may be able to see a future with you is the PROBLEM. It's scaring the cr@p out of her. She doesn't want happily ever after at this point in her life. She wants something far less serious. If you chase her she will run harder & father away. Your now Ex GF is at a point where she does not want to see a future with a man. She wants Mr. rightNOW and not Mr. Right. You may indeed be Mr. Right for her, but at this age she's not ready for that. Her problem will be that when she's ready for Mr. Right he won't be there. You know why? Because you are Mr. Right and you will find a real Ms. Right who won't jerk you around. Is it possible that, Ms right could be a future her after she grows up? Sure. That will only happen either with her, or more likely, with someone new if you just move on.
deathandtaxes Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 but she has said she can see a future for us Well good for her! But she's not willing to make a commitment to you right now. Do the right thing and let her be. Don't hang out. Don't talk to her. You're peeling the bandage off slowly doing it like this. She has you around for support without the commitment until something else comes along that she will feel like committing to. Now maybe one day she will want a commitment. But don't wait around for it.
oldshirt Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 so what do i do? Nothing. Do absolutely nothing. .....with her anyway. Do whatever you want that doesn't involve her. 1
oldshirt Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 its also family issues she's dealing with OK do you want me to clarify that too then? OK so here it is - women who see a future with some guy, don't break up with them even though there are family issues to deal with. Last summer both of my parents got sick, went into the nursing and died. They died two months apart from each other. Both my wife's parents have been in and out of hospitals for the last six months with a variety of serious medical issues themselves. By your logic my wife should dump me because we've had a lot of family issues. she hasn't because she doesn't want to. If she wanted to dump me, she would whether we were having family issues or not.
fujidabruin Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 so what do i do? Whether you believe it or not... CarrieT gave you the best advice in the very first response to your thread. Go NO CONTACT with this girl. It will not be easy because you still have an attachment to her. You will not be able to move forward in your own life until you quit thinking about what is going on in her head. No matter what she says, the fact remains that she is not with you and it is up to you to take control of yourself now. I was hurt and prolonged the agony a few times in my teens and 20's and now I see looking back how valuable NC would have been for me. At least I know better now. If she wants to be your friend then she be exactly that after you have detached from all your emotions. You will rationalize trying to be around her, but trust those of us that tell you that you will be so much better off later if you remove yourself from her presence completely. Good Luck Mattpolo
mortensorchid Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I hate hearing these stories, whether they happen to men or women, no matter what age you may or may not be. Is it so much to ask the other person that they at least give it a chance? A few weeks / months? Don't you just hate it when you meet someone, you hit it off, and then the other party finds some ridiculous reason as to how/why they can't be with you? They use the same tired old excuses left, right and sideways and think they are the first ones who ever came up with it. And then they grab onto the next one who comes along, who is clearly lesser than you are, and decides this is the one for them? I've heard it so many times. People are all the same no matter what they say. As for your situation, move on. If she thinks she can do better than you, she can try and do just that. No contact with her, you deserve better. 1
Guitarisgood Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 She's letting you go lightly. The romance of everything must have died out. Don't hang around because she ends up having the cake and eating it i.e. you providing her with affection while she can flirt and see any other guys whenever she wants. Obviously in this scenario, I would just stop all contact and move on. THats the best chance of you two ever having a future down the track if by then she has exhausted all her 'adventurous curiousity' and wants to get back in touch. But by then, you are better than that and would have met someone else more special. Don't ever be afraid to walk away. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 so what do i do? There's nothing you can do. They are her demons / issues & you don't have the ability to change them. At best you can tell her you'll be around if she changes her mind but you shouldn't wait for her to do something that may never happen. Move on. Live your life. If she comes back & you are both free & still interested, fine but until then you're a free agent. With this particular "fear" if she's going to come back it will be relatively quickly, under a month. Beyond that it's a lost cause & her verbalized excuse was BS. 1
Guitarisgood Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Move on bud. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I've found with relationships such as these, I've never had any problem moving on once it ends because you know you have done nothing wrong. 1
Author mattpolo Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 i asked her "if a guy came up to you and asked if you had a boyfriend what would you say?" her reply was "it's complicated"
deathandtaxes Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 i asked her "if a guy came up to you and asked if you had a boyfriend what would you say?" her reply was "it's complicated" That's her reply to your query. It's not what she would really say. It depends on who's doing the asking. If it is a guy she was genuinely interested in, she'd say 'nope'.
fujidabruin Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Dude, You are better off posting on the "breaks & break-ups" or "coping" forums. Whatever you think is going on between you and your ex... it is NOT dating. Seriously, if you are looking to start dating again... you need to do the NO CONTACT thing and move on before you can have a healthy attitude towards dating again. Forget about any assumptions you are making about her and her story.
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