ithappenedagain Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Hello - first time poster. Just had my heart ripped out, thrown to the ground, and stomped on by the person who I considered my best friend and ''soul-mate''.. I am devastated right now, and the worst thing is I am working a 10 hour shift today. Don't know how I am going to get through the day, so I found this site and am hoping to get as much support and advice that I can from everyone on this site. I won't go into long detail - because honestly I am shaking while I type this - but the story goes like this... I met my love 2 years ago. It was a pretty fast transition from the dating phase to the relationship phase. I am older than she is. I am 32 she is 25. She was absolutely head over heals in love with me. Her family all thought I was amazing, and family members actually told me that they were so happy that she finally found the right guy (she dated a lot of people).. We did a lot of things together - travel, sports, etc. She was awesome and was willing to take on new challenges. As much as I'd like to paint the picture that everything was fine and dandy, truth be told, we fought - and by that I mean we fought A LOT. Mainly over stupid things. It wasn't healthy, but at the end of the day we both loved each-other so much we would resolve our fights for the sake of staying together. About 6 months ago we broke up officially (her choice) however that lasted only 5 or 6 days. The thing that hurt me the most about that breakup was that the very night she ended things with me, she told me that her ex boyfriend from MANY years ago was going to come over to her house to support her.. (I later found out that she was secretly communicating with him for over a month behind my back).. I moved my stuff out and then when she realized that I was moving on, she had a change of heart. Of course I took her back (like the desperate idiot I am), because she meant everything to me. She swore on her fathers grave that nothing happened with her and her ex. (Please note this wasn't he previous ex, but an ex from high school who was OBSESSED with her) We both agreed to write a list of things we both needed to work on to save the relationship. I moved my stuff back in, and things were back on track... Fast forward to now. She actually told me a week ago today that she didnt want to be with me anymore.. I didn't take that news serious, because as noted above, we had been there before. She went out with her friends that night and told me that she wouldn't be coming home that night. She apparently stayed at her best friends house.. Who knows... I kept texting her, pleading for her to take me back, but she didnt write me back.. The next day she reiterated to me that she was serious and wanted me to move all of my stuff out as soon as possible so she could start the healing process. Once again, like the desperate fool I am, I came up with a plan to win her heart back. For the next few days I actually thought that things could be worked out. She kept leading me on, and giving me signs that she might be ok with trying my plan. Yesterday morning, I actually cuddled up with her in bed and told her everything that I had planned and got a bunch of smiles and laughs out of her. I waS SURE that she was starting to come back to me.. One of my suggestions was that we go to a therapist who specializes with relationships. I wanted to show her that I was willing to do whatever it took to figure out my issues in the relationship. She actually agreed to this! I was so happy. However, she did tell me that she still needed space and wanted me to stay at my sisters house for a week or so while she ''thought things over''. I was so happy. I thought that I was going to fix my problems and get her back. Some of my issues according to her were: - Not following through on promises (small stuff like getting my car mirrior fixed, cleaning the house, telling her we would start going to church) - Not giving her the time and attention she needed (she is HIGH Maintenance. She needed to feel loved 24/7) - Not taking her out on date nights as much as she wanted (I cooked A LOT but she wasnt happy that I rarely took her out to fancy dinners Well last night, as I was laying in bed at my sisters house, she dropped the bomb on me. She sent me a very long message of facebook stating that she no longer wanted to give counseling a chance, and that her heart was set in stone. She apologized for leading me on, and finally admitted that she was part of the problem too. She basically told me that there was NOTHING i could do to win her over. I was crushed. Devastated. Depressed. - but I was also mad. Not only 6 hours prior she was smiling, cuddling with me, we were giving each other small kisses, etc.. On top of her agreeing to therapy... I instantly deleted her from facebook. I was hurt. I knew that that was step #1. Removing her from social media. It was a snap decision, and 2 mins later she noticed, and told me that she would be deleting friends of mine so she could start the healing process. She then told me to go ahead and block her also... All of this has my mind running in circles. Why did she delete mutual friends of ours on facebook, why did she change her mind again, why the sudden change of one minute I thought I had her back and the next she was telling me to get everything out asap. The worst part of it all is that she also knows of the No Contact rule. She said that she wants to inforce no contact to help us heal. I feel like I am now completely removed from her life. I am so sad and depressed right now. I miss everything about her, even though we did fight A LOT. Why do I feel immature for instantly deleting her from facebook last night, and why do I think she is hiding something from me????? The pain is unbearable. I cannot even imagine stating to look for a new place to move into. I just want my babe back. I loved her so much. I wish I would have shown it more. She was everything to me. Help me. Please.
JohnMcClaine Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 As much as I'd like to paint the picture that everything was fine and dandy, truth be told, we fought - and by that I mean we fought A LOT. Mainly over stupid things. It wasn't healthy, but at the end of the day we both loved each-other so much we would resolve our fights for the sake of staying together. People who really are right for each other, or "soulmates" as you stated, don't do this. Just FYI. 1
smuggy95 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 don't...just stop. just stop thinking of what's why's .... take a deep breath. reach out to your closest friends right now. Find someone who can listen and check in on you every day for the next few weeks. make sure you have your workweek planned, your clothes picked out and ironed, cleaned, food in your refrigerator, gas in your car... set all this up. then sit down and read through the posts of this forum...let us know how you're feeling.
Author ithappenedagain Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks. I am definitely trying to keep busy with work, and whatnot..I do have a really close friend out here and also my mom and sister for a support system. They have offered me great advice, but my only fault is that for some reason, no matter what people tell me, I just dont want to believe it is over. - when deep down inside I KNOW. Hell, she even told me that ''it is different this time'' because the last time she ended things with me she didnt really mean to do it. She was shocked I moved my stuff out so soon. This time around she ''knows her decision is final"... At the end of the day she is not in love with me anymore and that STINGS!
Author ithappenedagain Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I was doing okay today at work today but then I hit the wall... All of a sudden thoughts of her started crossing my mind. Any advice on how to get my mind back on track when situations like this happen would be great. (For those that read my post below, I was dumped last night... actually a week ago, but it was a week of being strung along into believing she would come back to me.. Only to find out late last night that she wants me out of her life) Thanks everyone
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 In the very beginning you have to give yourself some time to grieve You lost something & you are going to miss it. Exercise helps. Redecorating helps.
Author ithappenedagain Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I am going to join a gym again to hopefully relieve some of this stress/pain I am feeling. I am looking for a new place to live (we lived together) so redecorating is in the near future.
DontBreakEven Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 hang in there. This happened to me 5 years ago with my exfiance. It was bizarre. One day he just picked a fight out of nowhere (we never fought), and 3 days later that was it, he wanted out. (Granted, 5 years later I realize now that he was right ... we were engaged and I was in denial about my sexuality and I did not give him what he needed physically ... but that's beside the point really, because it was just totally out of nowhere. One day we were engaged to be married, next day he was just a stranger - he never let on that he felt there were issues.) Funny because I just talked to him last night. I'll talk to him every 6 months or so, now that I date women and have different problems. He's a weird dude. Still fine to talk to, but crazy to me that I ever wanted to be with him forever. Funny how life is. Fast forward to now, I'm dealing with another one that just cuts and runs outta nowhere. I don't really have any advice to offer except that I think there are some seriously f***ed up people out there, when it comes to relationships. Intimacy problems left and right. Something is up with society, and unfortunately, I didn't get hit with the crazy stick, so I'm left brokenhearted with my head spinning wondering what the hell just happened. There seem to be very few of us. The ones who just want to be happy, drama-free, enjoy life with our partner and best friend. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find another like me that I can be with. Every time I think I find that person, they turn out to have the most deep-seated issues buried underneath. It's a f***king shame. I know where you are right now. I'm there with you. You are not alone, and you are not crazy for feeling this way. The best way around the pain is through it. Let yourself feel it all. Don't blame yourself; you did NOTHING wrong. You cannot rationalize with the irrational, and unfortunately, it sounds like you found one of the many irrational ones. They reveal it to you out nowhere. It's scary. But try and think of the red flags you were ignoring; I'm sure they were there. They will help you not feel so out of control. They will help you realize that it is SHE with the problem, and that problem will follow her through life. It is not you. And she knows that. She knows it. Sit with that, and imagine how much better you ultimately will have it in life than her.
spiderowl Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I'm really sorry because it's always an awful shock when a relationship ends against your will. Try to get support from friends and family at this time because it does help to talk, even if you get emotional about it. From the sound of it, you and your girlfriend were teetering on breaking up for a while. You were both fighting a lot. Although some people say fighting is a good idea, I've never found it to be a positive thing. Discussion and apologies can help, but when there is a lot of fighting it is a bad sign. She has been 'moving away', the temporary break up, staying out with friends, talking to others, are all signs that she's distanced herself. When you were there with her, she behaved as usual but her basic, fundamental feelings weren't changed. She felt it wasn't working. Regarding her criticisms, when someone does not feel a relationship is right for them, everything can seem wrong. Everything the partner does seems irritating or thoughtless. What I'm getting at is that her criticisms may be something or nothing. There is no point dwelling on them. I know when you are in pain, it's impossible to think ahead to a time when you might feel optimistic and look forward to meeting someone new. It will happen and you will realise that it was incompatibility not fault behind all this. Sometimes people just don't 'work' together and only one partner realises it. One day you will realise she wasn't the one and that you deserve to be with someone who isn't always fighting with you. I do wish you well and send you a virtual hug x 1
Kevin_D Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 People who really are right for each other, or "soulmates" as you stated, don't do this. Just FYI. Not true at all. The best way to know that a relationship isn't working is that there are NO fights. Fighting over minor things from time to time is actually a very good sign, because it means two things: 1. There are no big issues 2. No one is willing to become a doormat What's more important is how you handle the fights. If you hate each other for several days after each fight, something is clearly wrong. If you can apologise and have a good laugh about the fight a couple of hours later, that's a sign of a healthy relationship. 1
skydiveaddict Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Hello - first time poster. Just had my heart ripped out, thrown to the ground, and stomped on by the person who I considered my best friend and ''soul-mate''.. I've been there too. So have most of us. You're just going to have to gut it out. There is no way around it
nerdlingZA Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 The worst part of it all is that she also knows of the No Contact rule. LOL , forgive me for laughing . This is good thou , she won't give you breadcrumbs
JohnMcClaine Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Not true at all. The best way to know that a relationship isn't working is that there are NO fights. With the exception of truly minor fights, which is not at all what was described by the OP, this is probably one of the dumbest statements I've ever read. Seriously, read what you just wrote.
thedmc Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Why bother with a girl you have been with for 2 years, she has left you multiple times, and more than likely cheated on you as well? Stop being a sucker and leave her ass.
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