Dumper's Remorse - Me Move On!

[lofi_tokyo]

Hi everyone,

 

Today, I just need a little reassurance today that I did the right thing.

 

I'm 6 months out of a 3.5 year relationship where I was the dumper. I have good days and bad days with the breakup, and I'm getting better every day. Admittedly, I don't think I started grieving the breakup until late-October to early-November. Before that I was blissfully relieved with having broken up.

 

Here's my reasons for leaving:

• I suffered from depression seasonally (each fall). My ex always made me feel like I was really screwed up, and so I'd always apologize for who I was. We often joked about how great he was for staying with me despite me being messed up.
  

• 
  I'm really playful, and he's very light-hearted and fun, but not quite playful. He often said I was too childlike, and so I learned to hold back.
  

• 
  When I was feeling badly about something - anxious, vulnerable, hurt - my ex wouldn't support me emotionally. His support came through pointing out my flawed logic and expecting me to fix it. (This is a fair way of dealing with things, but I did need emotional support sometimes) On this note, he'd often say hurtful things (without realizing), but communicating kindness was difficult for him.
  

• 
  He was very pragmatic and rational, and did not like dreaming up or looking forward to adventures or opportunities. I love exploring new things.

 

It eventually hit me over the summer that while my ex was a really wonderful and good-hearted person, our differences were causing me to really feel badly about myself, about looking forward to the future, and about my way of approaching life. He's not a bad person - he's just very logical, stoic, and laid-back, while I'm very excitable, emotional, and expressive. We loved one another for our differences, but I always had to compromise while he didn't change too much.

 

On bad days, I miss him horribly. I feel like a failure for leaving. I remember that he's a great person (really he's incredible - such a gentle soul), and I still love him. I left because our relationship was wearing me down, but I still love him for who he is.

 

So! Tell me it was a good idea to have left. We tried for 3.5 years to balance things out, but at the end of the day I was being stifled and couldn't be myself. Also, my emotions hurt him deeply - because I always needed what he couldn't (or wasn't comfortable) giving.

Edited January 17, 2014 by tokyovogue
*** Title should be "Help me Move on" not "me move on"

[Philosoraptor]

You have to trust that the you who lived through the relationship made the right decision for your future. The you who looks back now with rose colored glasses looks past the pain and hurtful things that you who lived through them experienced.

[ravssss]

and what is the opinion of ur ex abt all this ... how is he coping with it ..

[DontBreakEven]

honestly, i don't know what to tell you. i feel like my current ex who dumped me once last year, and again this week would probably be writing the same thing in a couple of months from now. maybe it's just because she left me, but the truth is, she's making a huge mistake. sometimes mistakes are made. if you keep having this regret, and you are coming on here wanting people to tell you that you made the right choice, perhaps you did make a mistake. your heart will always tell you what it needs. i'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

[Never Again]

So! Tell me it was a good idea to have left. We tried for 3.5 years to balance things out, but at the end of the day I was being stifled and couldn't be myself. Also, my emotions hurt him deeply - because I always needed what he couldn't (or wasn't comfortable) giving.

 

It's not up to us to tell you that.

 

Granted, I'm a bit biased on this topic (as you know).

 

The fact that he was gaslighting you (making you feel silly for how you felt or too childlike) is not okay. However, from the information you've given us, we don't know what YOU did to correct or address the issues

 

But he needed to accept you for who you are, and you needed to accept him for who he is. If neither of you was capable of crossing these rifts between you, then these problems were only going to get worse.

 

That being said, differences, like those you mentioned are normal. Actually, not just normal, but good...balance like that allows people to "fill in the gaps" and support their partner in a way they cannot support themselves...but only if both sides are willing to change and bend a bit.

 

Regardless, you made your choice and it doesn't really matter if it was the right one or not. You cannot go back and change it. All you can do it learn and move forward.

 

It does not seem that you're looking back on your previous relationship with rose colored glasses at all, but you're looking to us to convince you that you made the right call. If you doubt it enough that you need outside validation, then some real introspection may be called for.

 

My general rule of thumb is - if I can't shake the thought that I may have made a mistake...I should at least seriously consider that idea before trying to convince myself otherwise.

[InnocentMan]

Sometimes there isn't a definitive answer to a specific problem, so we think the best thing to do is to run from it. This often leads to feelings of regret, and nostalgia. You felt the differences were great enough to cause you to leave, so you kinda have to live with that decision.

 

Thinking that you may have made a terrible mistake is also perfectly normal in these situations. Break-ups where nothing drastic has occurred, and love is still present, are often the most confusing. The sadness will fade, the nostalgia will become less frequent, and you will get on with your life.

 

If you suffer from depression, it's probably more important that you get a good grip on understanding this, although you do already seem to have decent handle on it. Understanding how this affects your relationships with other people, is vital to not repeating the same 'mistake'.

 

You imply you didn't feel enough love/affection from him, but sometimes a lot of it is in the depressed persons perception. An easy solution to this would be finding a man that shows much more affection, but eventually you will realise that the feelings are coming from inside yourself.

 

A period alone is probably just what you need at the moment, and to accept that your feelings are quite normal. It's not a question of making a mistake, or not. It's more important to assess it with a clear mind, and try to avoid repeating the same pattern.

Edited January 19, 2014 by InnocentMan

[lofi_tokyo]

Thank you for your replies everyone.

 

I think that I do need some time to myself - although I have been thinking hard about this A LOT since ... well since the end of July, when I broke up with my ex. That being said, I haven't been allowing myself to actually deal with the possibility that I made a really bad mistake.

 

I guess I need to figure out (and I'm trying so hard): I felt really fulfilled this summer while I was in the USA (I'm from Canada) on an internship. Was it because I had a great life at home (with the ex), and was having the time of my life abroad too? Was it because I was on a great life path and was going places? Was leaving my ex right? Or was he a huge part of my fulfillment? I left him because I felt as though there was more to life, and we had some legitimate problems (noted above).

 

I'm treating this time post-breakup, which I anticipate will take a full year (6mos in), as a time of deep thinking, learning, and figuring out what I want. I need it. It's just really, really hard.

 

I've been through a really sad breakup before, and I know that I'll come out of this someday and that I'll be all happy and laughing at things. I guess my problem is that although I was the dumper (GIGS was also part of the mix), I gave my heart to my ex in a very profound way, and its just so hard letting go.