jenny86 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now and we live together. We have had a few difficult months as he has not been around too much because of work and I have been lonely as he is really all I have. We are best friends, it's so easy with him, we have fun and he makes me laugh but I just don't feel that spark anymore. The romance / excitement seems to have gone and I am not physically attracted to him as I used to be, our friendship is there but I am not sure if that love still is. At work I have always been attracted to a guy, and at the end of last year I wanted to get to know him better as I was confused and wasn't sure if I wanted to stay with my bf. We messaged each other almost everyday for a few weeks and went out a few times, I chose to kiss him a couple of times but I just felt so confused with what I was doing as I didn't really know him as well as I know my bf. I just cannot tell my boyfriend but the regret just doesn't seem to be there, is that because the love for my bf isn't there so I don't feel bad? I keep coming back to thinking I can't leave him now, I feel like we are in too deep and I don't want to let my family or his family down. His family love me, I help his mum out a lot who has a disability and she took us all on a cruise last year which was really special, they have pictures of me in their house and my Dad keeps talking about when are we getting married, feel like there are too many reasons why I can't leave. What do I do?! Can we be together if that love / attraction isn't there - can you spend the rest of your life with someone if you are only best friends? I know I would lose him if we broke up he wouldn't stay friends. Although I am attracted to this other guy I just don't know him that well and I'm afraid I would have nothing if it didn't work out.
Haydn Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 You would end up with nothing! What you are doing to your bf is not right. You dont want to leave him just i case the other guy does not work out. Thats pretty selfish. Leave your bf and set him free. You cannot have your cake and eat it. 2
Philosoraptor Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 If you're certain of how you feel then you need to end the relationship. There is no such thing as a reason you can not leave. If you're not fulfilled in the relationship and there are no signs of things getting better... you need to do what is best for your own future.
Eau Claire Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 You are being self centred. You have no compassion for your boyfriend? Why subject him to this? Let him get on with his life...without you. You are more concerned with yourself...being alone. Are you in your 20's? If so, A textbook case why these days, if no children involved, wait until you are 30 or so to get married. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Do you think things with your relationship would improve if he spent more time with you & paid more attention to you? The two things that jumped out at me from your post were " I have been lonely as he is really all I have." and "I don't want to let my family or his family down." You can't fix your loneliness by spending time with him. Well balanced happy people can be alone & not be lonely because they are happy with themselves & enjoy their own company. That said, what are you doing to increase your social circle? Can you join groups or organizations to fill your time & ease your loneliness regardless of what your BF does? As for letting your families down, it's sweet that you care about other people but your logic is flawed here. Both sets up parents want you -- their kids -- to be happy. Disabled or not, you are not responsible for fixing whatever is wrong in your BF's parents' lives. It was really nice of them to take you on a cruise but that doesn't mean you have to stay forever. If you are sure this relationship can't be saved then end it. If you think more effort on both your parts could change things around, do the work.
BOREDouttaMymind Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 life is about choices. you cant have all. theres no win win. if you leave the bf, yes you might up alone... but not really. its not like if you leave your bf and this other guy doesn't work out, you need to become a nun or something. youll still find a guy. you just don't see it right now. your heart is in the right place but you need to be honest with yourself and him.
Author jenny86 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I'm 28. I just can't leave him, I would lose him as my best friend, we do everything together.
JDPT Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I'm 28. I just can't leave him, I would lose him as my best friend, we do everything together. And how was life before him? You did absolutely nothing with it?
Haydn Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 What if he found out and left you? (I doubt he would be your best friend after discovering you like someone else) I'm 28. I just can't leave him, I would lose him as my best friend, we do everything together.
Murtz Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Have you talked to him? This is what kills me about relationships. No one tells their significant other how they feel and that they may be having doubts. If you tell your boyfriend that you aren't happy and you feel the spark is leaving, let him help you both figure out a way to renew that spark. 2
Eau Claire Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I'm 28. I just can't leave him, I would lose him as my best friend, we do everything together. Then what 's the point if your thread? You are 28 and not 12. 2
Zahara Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Although I am attracted to this other guy I just don't know him that well and I'm afraid I would have nothing if it didn't work out. You're looking for a solid replacement before you break up with your boyfriend. So, you're keeping the boyfriend as a back-up until you find another branch to grab onto. It's very unfair and self-centered. If you did find someone else, chances are, he won't be your best friend anymore so the excuse of you holding on for that reason doesn't make sense. Either talk to him about it -- work on your relationship and if that doesn't work, end it. Don't stay with him because you don't want to be alone (best friend excuse is BS -- he's comfortable to you, he's safe and he's available, a safety net and all bad reasons to stay with someone -- because best friends don't treat each other this way). 1
Babolat Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I have a female friend who does this; she can't break up with a man until she has another one "in the queue". I have begged her to spend some time on her own, alone. She hears that as "I did, 1 -2 days, all better know, this new guy is great!" Either try to figure out what's going on with your current relationship (did something happen, change, etc), work it out, or end it.
Kevin_D Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 We are best friends, it's so easy with him, we have fun and he makes me laugh but I just don't feel that spark anymore. The romance / excitement seems to have gone and I am not physically attracted to him as I used to be, our friendship is there but I am not sure if that love still is. Oh man, this pisses me off, probably because I suspect my girlfriend left me due to simular reasons. The spark always, I repeat, ALWAYS, fades out. But the good news is that it's often really easy to get back IF YOU ARE WILLING TO COMMUNICATE. Buy new exciting clothes, roleplay, try new activities together. If you were attracted to him once, you can be attracted to him again. Simple as that. If he really is your best friend and you have fun together, why the hell do you even consider throwing this away because of some dude a work? You realise that you most likely will realise in a few months that the new guy wasn't THAT exciting and then you'll probably regret leaving your boyfriend, who won't even speak to you anymore. Trust me, the day you get a serious illness, you couldn't care less about attraction. What you want is someone you can trust, someone you know will be there to cheer you up when you feel really bad. On the other hand, it's obvious that your boyfriend deserves something better, considering how you are treating him. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I say yes, you should break up with him for his sake. It's obvious you've already checked out of the relationship and you are keeping him around for selfish reasons (because you like the way he treats you, because you don't have another guy completely lined up). If you can't give him what he needs, then you need to let him go and let him go now. Not when you have something lined up -- keeping someone around while trying to find something else to jump to is douchey as hell.
Trep Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Leave the poor guy, he deserves better than you.
Author jenny86 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Hi I have been with my bf for 5 years but things have been difficult over the last few months and we both agreed last week that our relationship is dead and we are just friends, but he says he still loves me and still wants to be with me. When we talked I tried to break up with him but he said that I should stick it out for a couple more months as thats when he finishes Uni and thinks things will get better, but I don't really see how. I know we have to break up, but I'm scared! We live together, share our money and I am still paying for furniture. I'm worried about him making my life hell, having to move out, being alone, regretting it, lots! How do you break up when you live with someone who doesn't see that a break up is needed? How can I deal with the furniture that I am still partly paying off? Do I try and find a place before I finally break up? I know things will be horrible if I say this is definitely it and still have to live with him. Need help and advice!
deathandtaxes Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Five years and it's just dead? That's it? Neither of you are going to put up a fight? Things have been difficult how?
Author jenny86 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 We have just drifted apart, we get along for the most part but no longer are in love with each other in the way you should be in a relationship.
deathandtaxes Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 We have just drifted apart, we get along for the most part but no longer are in love with each other in the way you should be in a relationship. Is that a reason to give up? People in long-term relationships fall in and out of love with each other. It's how you handle the out of love bit that tells the tale. And it takes work. A lot. But back to your original question. You just leave. Move out. Make plans. Follow through. It's not up to him. I find it interesting he thinks things will get better in the future. Why not now? Why are you two not working on making things better NOW?
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