espinoza0 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I have posted before about my "heart history" as being: Fell in love at 20, and married at 23-35. Divorced now, one daughter. 35-36.5 (unti recently) long distance relationship with separated guy; ended (with much lament on both parts) against our will, so to speak (sick kids involved; his kids). So, my last relationship was one thousand percent compatible. This man was gorgeous, knock on wood, and a combination of literary genius and just about everything else my personality has: he moved like music; loves celebration; energetic, sexy as hell, but, not mine, in the end. So what's my date today? And what's this beautiful story? There is this guy I used to chat with on IRC when I was 21, just before I decided to go back home to get serious about who would be later my current ex-husband. He was extremely affectionate, funny, and supportive, but I was already falling in love with my ex-husband, so it did not go any further. He had sent me a great book of dostoyefsky (spelling), and I saw him once briefly on transit flight back from USA. All I remembered from his face were his brightly colored eyes, I thought they were blue, but they are actually hazel green. 17 years later, yes, that long, I stumbled across him on twitter! He never changed his nick! The funny part is that I stumbled across him when I was suspecting a girl was after my x-love, and BAM there he was! We have been on twitter and instagram for 9 months now, and TODAY FINALLY WE MET! I cannot describe my feeling after meeting him. He was sweet, attractive, and quite accomplished and a man of the world. He is 40, I am 37. I loved how he gave me a cheek brush/hug and a handshake the first minute he saw me; on the way out, he wasn't sure what to do, so I just repeated this same gesture. I was thinking about him for the next 3 hours, and to be honest, I was getting pretty....you know what . I have very very very rarely been passionately affected just after one date with anyone, and in the last year, I have gone out on coffee meet-ups (not really dates) to just be out there and social, and even after four coffee dates or whatever, I would never feel what I felt today. He is not a LOOKER in the classical sense, but he is very attractive and taller than me, and has broad shoulders. This things are important for me other than the usual stuff (emotional interaction, intellect, etc). My exhusband was pure intellect, and my xlove was so overwhelmingly emotional. Both were nice for me at the time, but neither worked out. This guy, oh my, he is freshly different. We were both very nervous in the beginning, but relaxed by tea time; we went out for a light lunch in a nicely chosen quiet place (he chose it). What the...!!! I cannot believe all this happened today this afternoon! Do I have raging hormones or something? My mind is not catching up with the swelling feeling inside my heart, and touching his cheeks felt so safe. He is definitely an old friend, and I love people whom I clicked with from the past like that, it makes me feel safe, it is like they have withstood the test of time, or something like that. He has never married. What is happening to me? I know I am passionate but I am also very rational. I think it is time for me to go with the flow and stop wondering and planning, don't you think? I am thinking if this gets serious fast, I want to slow it down to 3-6 months before I decide for sure if he is the One. Feedback appreciated, thanks Thanks P.S. I swear I missed him so much after 3 hours, I almost felt like crying. It really is intense. We chatted very briefly on instagram and twitter; I just hate texting by now I got sick of it due to my last long distance relationship.
Author espinoza0 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) El Payaso, I guess what I am trying to say is that I was already taken (a year prior) when we were chatting; and both my ex-husband and him were in other states, everything long distance. So I never got to know him really. Now I wish I had. I still have all our IRC chatting logs saved Edited January 17, 2014 by espinoza0
Purepony Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Stop fooling yourself. You're only "in love" with him because it didn't work out with your ex or you would have chosen him initially. Right one
todreaminblue Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) you cant make a cynical heart understand you feelings they dont want to...they just think they know what you feel, better than you do, which is a waste of time......what matters is that you are happy, if you plan everything....it doesnt allow for change...let it happen naturally...it maybe intense for a while it may fade off into something more adapted and comfortable for you both...just have joy getting to know someone who you care about on an intimate level......its like a feast and its intense....new ness.....succulent ripe then after you have feasted you can dream about how exactly you can enjoy the things you learnt about each other together.......share dreams hopes...i like to remember off the cuff ideas or wants and then do stealth surprise days..show your interest in wonderful ways just by listening.............be you... let him be who he is.....good luck.be happy...deb Edited January 17, 2014 by todreaminblue 2
Author espinoza0 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 todreaminblue thank you my dear. I really just needed support to understand/share my feelings because I have noone else to go to, really. My friend is divorced and depressed poor woman, and I am very different than her. We live in an EXTREMELY conservative religious society, and no body likes to discuss dating much. It is VERY retarded here, so marriages end up being retarded as well. Cheers to you for your beautiful spirit Me
Author espinoza0 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) El Payaso, I have SEEN the honeymoon phase before, exactly 3 months lol, and it was with a POET lol. You are right. Thanks. Edited January 17, 2014 by espinoza0
Author espinoza0 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I forgot to add, after the date, within 45 minutes, I was contemplating should I send him a thank you message, saying it was nice, and all of that, or should I just go really really casual and say nothing, and there it was his message, with the same content that I wanted to send him, but sent to me He said it was nice and we should do it again
angel.eyes Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Yeah for you! My boyfriend and I were infatuated with each other by the end of our first date. I totally understand. What is concerning is you're already thinking 3-6 months down the line. It's been one date. He's essentially a stranger to you. You knew him briefly in your early 20's. People can change quite a bit over 17 years He's a middle-aged man now who never married. It's okay to be excited and giddy about someone to the point that they dominate your waking thoughts, but guard your heart until you get to know him. Figure out if his character and his values match yours. See if he wants the same things. It's not that he had been thinking of you and reached out. Remember, you approached him. Some guys are opportunistic. In a conservative society, often people don't care if the guy plays the field, but they're quick to label the women involved, and that impacts your future ability to find a good relationship partner. So, enjoy the experience, but be careful. My boyfriend and I have worked out so far. I hope you find happiness and companionship too. Cheers! 2
Author espinoza0 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) angel eyes, thanks a lot Your answer is really well balanced. You understood how I felt, and I really appreciate it. I am a very emotional person with a head in the clouds, but I am well aware of it. In fact I made myself not go head over heals for him last night, and just sent him a comment on the nice evening weather and a good night message. I was blown away in the most realistic sense. It is not like he looked like Brad Pitt, or George Clooney, it is just that I have met/talked to SO MANY guys as a friend, or just in casual conversation, and I also had a serious relationship, etc. Compared to all of them, he comes king. I do not know how he did it. He really swept me off my feet. I could not sleep last night, until I talked to a friend abou t it (a male friend) and he thought that was sweet. Today, I am a bit more sober, hehe, and I do not intend to chat with him all day long or anything like that. We live very close, and he is very laid back, so I don't think there is any need to rush. But you are absolutely right; he might not be a commitment kind of guy; perhaps this is my only left vice: I would think everyone wants commitment, especially in highly conservative culture. I guess there is always a 50/50 chance he might not want commitment. lol. Great, I am already planning his life for him, why do I do that? Maybe I am spoiled? In the past relationship my ex husband didn't want to even travel anywhere with me, and we live in a country that is like a post apocalyptic landscape. Now he is traveling all around with his new wife. He felt I was too controlling, but he really just sat there and was on twitter and his computer all day long. The world works in mysterious ways. What I am saying I think if I really like a guy and I love him a lot, I would never control him, particularly when we would have agreed on our boundaries, and whether or not he would travel with me, etc. There is another guy whom I really like but he is 14 years older, and he has 4 grown up children living with him, youngest 15. That is a bit too much for me, and I think they live in a big flat, not even a house. However, we met 2 times and I did not feel attracted to him physically, just emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. He understands my personality, but I am not really attracted to him, although he is very decent looking with deep eyes and great cheeks (I love great cheeks on guys . Thanks for listening, Cheers Edited January 18, 2014 by espinoza0
Author espinoza0 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 oh I have to say, although I DID approach him first, it was extremely casual, it was after his big hints that he is interested that I asked him if he wanted to meet to catch up. He set it up as a real date though, the location, the quiet place, the air kisses (basically unheard of in our culture). It was sweet :) It is funny when you miss someone's face after just one day of meeting them. All the faces I see are becoming uninteresting. He is as cute as a button in his own way, hazel green eyes, and hey, at age 40, knock on wood, he has thick hair to me that is a bonus, so I don't have to worry about his self-esteem for a while, or something like that I am messaging him casually a good morning and a good evening, chatting a bit about our stupid country (really, really it is retarded rich oil desert). I will be traveling in a week, so that should keep a good pace on things as well. How do you do it in love? Do you declare? Do you chase? Do you drive crazy just to be more in love and it works and you want to make them crazier, and it works more? That is what happened in my last relationship, but I was unlucky that he was separated and not single. I am too cautious and exhausted and skeptical to do this again now. I want to proceed slowly despite my usual passionate ways. From my experience, when I choose someone, a serious relationship starts. The first one lasted 15 years, not so bad. The second one lasted a bit over a year, but it was, regardless of its difficulties, the best year of my life, and I am pretty sure will be a phenomenon in my life even in the years to come. I feel blessed. If you read my posts, I am just looking for help regarding my current dating situation, and I am just trying to share in order to give feedback. Thanks. P.S. I am happy
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Espinoza - I am 37 as well and it has FINALLY happened for me, so I know exactly what you are feeling. My relationship is barely 3 months in and I can already picture myself several years down the road with this man. I knew after the first date that this man was it. Trust me, I was very much a cynic. My whole life had been a slew of bad relationships and an even worse 10 year marriage. When I divorced, I was convinced that I never wanted to marry again. I doubted I even wanted to cohabitate again! I can honestly say I have NEVER felt a connection with anyone the way I do with this man, and I've never had a man love me so whole heartedly and passionately as this man does. Our relationship is so easy and effortless. There is no guesswork or doubt in the way he feels about me. It amazes me everyday in what I have managed to find. I have never been so happy with anyone. Be cautious, but listen to your heart. If this is the one, you will know it. Good luck and keep us posted!
Grumpybutfun Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Honestly, feeling giddy at a first date is nice when you find someone compatible and whom you feel an emotional connection. The first time I met my now wife, I was on cloud nine that night and all the next day. I just went with it as it had never happened to me before. Life, as you know from your previous relationships,can be complicated so make sure you both are on the same page. Make sure he is looking for a relationship, and no matter what you feel, don't rush into anything permanent until you know his values in life. Just be yourself and he will appreciate the light that radiates from you. It is nice to see a happy post here and I am very happy for you. Good luck, Grumps 1
angel.eyes Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I was blown away in the most realistic sense. It is not like he looked like Brad Pitt, or George Clooney, it is just that I have met/talked to SO MANY guys as a friend, or just in casual conversation, and I also had a serious relationship, etc. Compared to all of them, he comes king. I do not know how he did it. He really swept me off my feet. I could not sleep last night, until I talked to a friend abou t it (a male friend) and he thought that was sweet. My boyfriend swept me off my feet too. I only agreed to a date because he was so enthusiastic. I didn't have high hopes. In fact, I had even considered cancelling. But, it was an amazing date and our chemistry was off the charts. He texted me right afterwards that it was the best date he had ever had. It was one of my best dates too. Enjoy the feelings. But be careful that they don't get in the way of evaluating whether he's a good choice for you...whether he's a good match and a great partner...and if he's even looking for a relationship. It's easy to be blinded to flaws or incompatibility when this happens. But you are absolutely right; he might not be a commitment kind of guy; perhaps this is my only left vice: I would think everyone wants commitment, especially in highly conservative culture. I guess there is always a 50/50 chance he might not want commitment. lol. Great, I am already planning his life for him, why do I do that? No, what you're doing is wise. You're considering whether like you, he's interested in finding a long-term commitment with someone. It doesn't make sense for you to spend time with guys who just want casual fun, because even if it turns out you are otherwise perfect for each other, you won't end up in a relationship. They wouldn't want one. We don't know him. You'll have to figure out whether he in fact wants a commitment. Does he say that he does? Do his actions and choices reflect that? Does his lifestyle? Is he in a place in his life where he's capable of commitment? It's easy for a guy to claim he wants a commitment. In a conservative society, it's even easier, because the assumption is that he must want one. Not every single person does. You'll have to figure this out about him. In the past relationship my ex husband didn't want to even travel anywhere with me, and we live in a country that is like a post apocalyptic landscape. Now he is traveling all around with his new wife. He felt I was too controlling, but he really just sat there and was on twitter and his computer all day long. Don't feel bad about what your ex chooses to do with his current wife. We learn and grow from our life experiences. Regardless of who initiated the divorce, it was no doubt a wake-up call for him. I'm sure he's thought about his mistakes with you and has made changes to try and be a better partner...as you probably have too. It sounds as if he took you for granted and was focused on his computer. He's matured as a person. Having lost his marriage to you, he may be trying not to repeat his mistakes. The world works in mysterious ways. What I am saying I think if I really like a guy and I love him a lot, I would never control him, particularly when we would have agreed on our boundaries, and whether or not he would travel with me, etc. You weren't compatible. It happens. Learn from it, but let it go and leave it in the past. You'll have other chances to have a relationship that brings you joy--maybe with this guy from 17 years ago, maybe with someone else. It will happen! There is another guy whom I really like but he is 14 years older, and he has 4 grown up children living with him, youngest 15. That is a bit too much for me, and I think they live in a big flat, not even a house. However, we met 2 times and I did not feel attracted to him physically, just emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. He understands my personality, but I am not really attracted to him, although he is very decent looking with deep eyes and great cheeks (I love great cheeks on guys . Four children would be a lot of responsibility. I couldn't do it. If you aren't attracted to him romantically, then he's not a good choice. You need to feel physically attracted to the person IMO, in addition to having compatibility. Otherwise, he's just a friend. Hope things work out with Mr. Sweeping You Off Your Feet! Enjoy the experience. Regardless of how things unfold with him, know that you will find love, joy, happiness, and companionship with a good man. It just takes patience and persistent looking. 1
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 My boyfriend swept me off my feet too. I only agreed to a date because he was so enthusiastic. I didn't have high hopes. In fact, I had even considered canceling. But, it was an amazing date and our chemistry was off the charts. He texted me right afterwards that it was the best date he had ever had. It was one of my best dates too. Enjoy the feelings. But be careful that they don't get in the way of evaluating whether he's a good choice for you...whether he's a good match and a great partner...and if he's even looking for a relationship. It's easy to be blinded to flaws or incompatibility when this happens. Not to go too off topic here, but this ^^^!! After our first date, my guy texted me the next day and said, "I can still smell you on my jacket and it makes me happy.":love: He has never made me question anything since.
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