Lisa Herman Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) We have been dating over a year now. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary after new year 2014. We mostly had happy and fun times together if I could ever remember. But there's one same issue (the same girl), that caused a few arguments of us. Long story short, in the beginning in our relationship everything were so beautiful, of course, because it was new, nobody finds any issue in the beginning of a relationship. But then I met this girl after I hear from him a couple of times. She's pretty, very cool, chill person that has very similar personality with me(which I kind of hated that). It could be any girl that I don't share the similarity with to be around my bf, but I just can't accept a girl acts just like me around him. I felt like anyone of us could be just a sub of "girlfriend" to him to switch around because we're alike. Little intro about her, she's still single, she loves this martial art from Brazil called Capoeira and so does my bf. They become friends because of this. She loves to bake, cook food. They met each other just 2 months before I met my bf. To me, this has already put up a red flag upon our relationship. Who hangs out with another girl that is newly met, single, has a fun personality and shares the same hobby where you're already in a serious relationship??? They would always hang out and practice Capoeira together in a place in Campus. But because in the beginning they practiced within a group. I was fine with that. But then because her house is so close to my bf's company, they hung out together and "catch up" by having dinners together. Sometimes with a group, sometimes just them two alone. I was still fine with that. Then situation changed, she got graduated from the University, so not so much of campus practice anymore. They switched to the gym for practice together. So my bf is an advanced player in Capoeira, and she's a fresh player, so they occupied with each other in a mode that normally my bf teaches her this martial art in the same room alone inside a gym. That was not big deal to me because that is just a gym, there could be other people passing by. And because I know how much my bf loves Capoeira, I support him in any possible way of practicing it. There was one night they hung out in the theater after practicing, watched late night movies. (I have to spot this because my bf and I have never watched a single late movies together, we watch movies that ends around 10pm the latest). I always thought movie theaters are the places reserve for partners, especially late movies. So it kinda bothered me and I argued with him about it. He agreed it was not appropriate so the movie thing is over. Other times, she baked cupcakes for my bf. The reason was because my bf made tons of efforts to practice/teach with her for free. I guess if he charged her I wouldn't be upset at all. The baking thing is a click on me because I bake myself and I love baking too. I felt like it was a hidden "take the challenge, I bake better than you" to me under saying. Besides baking, they contact each other a lot during the days and night. As of putting a title "making schedules for the next practicing". So of course I got nothing to say about their "sacred" appointment. Often I would see him picking her phone calls in the car while I'm on the passenger seat. I can feel he truly loves me that every time he puts it on speaker in the car. That comforted a little bit, I thought. Funny thing is that I wasn't really comforted, because when she calls, half of the calls were just chatting. (or according to my bf's words, to "catch up") While I heard those unnecessary conversations, I WAS HAVING MY QUALITY TIME WITH MY BOYFRIEND, I didn't want to be interrupted, especially by the same girl I had reg flag on. It was jealousy from me, but more so I was curious, did she really not understand the situation??? Our frictions kept coming up. Because there was one time my bf told me he has a principle that he used to unfriend with people that hung up on him. There were two person in college did that to him, so he immediately stopped being friends with them anymore. Even though he said he has grown up now, these things don't bother him as much (but it still does a little, I mean nobody likes to be hung up,right?) So this girl has hung up TWICE on him before. One time I was there on the passenger seat with him. He got so angry that later they had a fight and stopped talking for a while. I had to admit that my evil mind drove me crazy, that those couple of weeks were the happiest times I ever had with him in our relationship. I thought I completed got rid of her in my life, no more insecure. But then my bf invited her to come to his birthday dinner. I was suddenly mad at this. He should know that I wasn't happy about her being in any circumstance with us at all. But my bf is a "social whore" that he loves texting and speaking with his friends so much that I compromise a lot for our relationship for that. He wanted to melt the ice and get back to be friends with her. I was surprised that even though she offended his principles twice, he still forgave her. (so great of a friend?!) After that, he kept the invitation up. He invited her again in a group trip to Atlantic City. Because of his training at work, his company makes him visiting AC every year, in the past two years he always invited friends over to stay in the same hotel room to hang out. There were 6 of us total, 3 girls 3 guys. I wanted us all to have a good time so I didn't argue with him during the time. But afterwards I got so enraged that I told him in order to go further in our relationship, he has to cut her off our lives, or else I can't do this anymore and we have to break up. Seeing her around him in my life, even though I know it's not cheating; it's a thing on my mind that's blocking in front of me to continue our relationship. I told my bf to cut her off his life, he told me "its impossible to cut off good people in my life". Apparently he chose her over me. And I predicted he would say something like that because he has his character that is followed by one amazing principle in life. So I decided to break up with him after his interview in his company for promotion. I am asking for advice before, if, I make a silly decision. What do you think of this?? Edited January 17, 2014 by Lisa Herman
angel.eyes Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Sorry you went through this, but you did the right thing. He prioritizes maintaining his relationship with her over your feelings. Even more concerning, he would rather lose you as a girlfriend than limit his contact with her or lose her friendship! Your choices were to play doormat while he openly pursued her or leave. You made the right call. 1
Author Lisa Herman Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Both. You overreacted and you were being MAJORLY insecure in yourself. Jeez, get a grip. 1) He was with you for a reason, wasn't he? Or he would have been with the other girl. 2) You need to get a hobby and a life of your own and stop moping around making your life to revolve around one person. 3) Your EX-boyfriend was secure in himself and like any sensible human being, he was never ever going to make his life revolve around you. He keeps busy and does other things beside sit at home and constantly think about you. You lost out on a good thing and you only have yourself to blame. Chuck it up to experience and maybe in your next relationship, you won't provide silly and damaging ultimatums because of your insecurity and selfishness. To reply yours: 1) Yes. We love each other. 2) He and I practice Capoeira together on Sundays. But because of timing issue, I can't make to his gym so far. And I have school works to do after full time job that ends after 5:30PM every weekdays. Sorry I am freakin busy myself. 3) He is a secure person and very trust worthy indeed. I guess it's a girls thing that when girls in a serious relationship, we look out our relationship and willingly/purposely cuts off certain friends to avoid jealousy of the partner. But guys usually do not see it as a problem, and that's okay. What's not OK is that we know the girl who's hanging around him is wondering her mind off somewhere!
Eivuwan Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 To reply yours: 1) Yes. We love each other. 2) He and I practice Capoeira together on Sundays. But because of timing issue, I can't make to his gym so far. And I have school works to do after full time job that ends after 5:30PM every weekdays. Sorry I am freakin busy myself. 3) He is a secure person and very trust worthy indeed. I guess it's a girls thing that when girls in a serious relationship, we look out our relationship and willingly/purposely cuts off certain friends to avoid jealousy of the partner. But guys usually do not see it as a problem, and that's okay. What's not OK is that we know the girl who's hanging around him is wondering her mind off somewhere! What you mean? That he knows she likes him in a romantic way and still hangs out with her? If that's the case, that's definitely not acceptable.
acapelo_dp Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 That sounds like an irritating situation. However, I probably wouldn't have broken up with him over it. I would have talked to him more about it. The amount of communication would bother me but they seemed to just enjoy common interests. Did he still pay attention to you, was he affectionate and loving? If so, I don't think breaking up was the way to go in this case.
Hopeful30 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) Sorry you went through this, but you did the right thing. He prioritizes maintaining his relationship with her over your feelings. Even more concerning, he would rather lose you as a girlfriend than limit his contact with her or lose her friendship! Your choices were to play doormat while he openly pursued her or leave. You made the right call. This. My first red flag went up when you said they had dinner alone. Lunch is okay, fine, you gotta eat. But dinner is when you go home to your gf/bf or meet with your buddies, not go to dinner with another woman (unless it's business related or work related). The fact is... he was honest about this the whole time right? SO that's a good sign... but if you didn't speak up early on like "I'm not really comfortable with that" then maybe it wouldn't have gotten as far as it has. For the future, if you start having doubts early on, voice them right away, otherwise he will think "What i'm doing is fine, my gf doesnt mind" and you never know when it might turn to something else. You gotta watch out for yourself girl. Speak your mind and if your man isn't happy or comfortable with it, then believe me, you will find someone who will and you will never have these concerns. Edited January 17, 2014 by Hopeful30 1
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I wouldn't like this situation either! It's almost as if YOU are the third wheel in your relationship. He needs to understand that friendship is one thing - what they are doing is more like dating!! Us women get insecure, it happens.. however I feel you have good reason to be. Find someone who can dedicate his time to you without someother chick being on the scene. It's better it's over now than later when nothing changes.
nescafe1982 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 This guy's actions show he had a difficult time maintaining proper boundaries with female friends, and that he prioritized this female friend over your relationship. You tried talking to him about it. He didn't change it. In my opinion, you made the right call. 1
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Being hit on and having a female bestie who he is so close too he may as well be doing the bed bump with is entirely different Your ex wants his cake and to eat it - you just showed him he can't! You made the right call. If a man doesn't know boundaries with other females then he's not to be trusted. God that would drive me loopy!
nescafe1982 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 So what if another girl's mind is wandering off somewhere? You can't control someone's thoughts. You should trust whoever you're with to know right from wrong. It doesn't matter who you're with, THEY WILL ALWAYS GET HIT ON BY OTHER GIRLS. IT'S A FACT so you can choose to break up with them whenever "another girl's mind starts wandering" or you can choose to be secure in yourself and mature enough. Girls will have their crushes, but it's another matter entirely if he's willingly putting himself into situations where this friend might make a move, or even feel like he's leading her on. Chances are, he's not a cheat. But if he's taking her to dinner and late night movies, he clearly likes the attention and is entertaining her crush. And that's not what a good boyfriend does. He's not responsible for his friend's potential crush, in other words, but he is responsible for his actions and his own lack of boundaries.
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