btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 He texted this morning after NC since November 20th, 2013. A small backstory: I had a horrible, verbally abusive marriage. I finally decided I was done with my marriage. After being faithful to my DH for over a decade, I decided to find a male friend to talk to. Met a guy online, he was divorcing as well. Instant chemistry, passion, friendship and compatibility. We were both mid 30's, professionals, great incomes etc. It was long distance (3 hours drive) so we talked a lot. His divorce was mostly amicable. Mine was hard, he helped me through some tough times with my ex and I some of his tough moments with his stressful job. Everything seemed to be going well. We talked about me moving closer to him - I have absolutely no family or support system where I live now and my exDH said if I divorced him that he was moving out of state and that I would be on my own with our children; the new guy and his ex share custody of their son. He lives in a much larger city that I have wanted to live in for a while. I also have a good friend from highschool there, my career is easily portable. It just made more sense for me to move. Fast forward, there's a couple of meet-ups, some I Love You's, always be here for you, never met a person like you, I can't wait to show you how you should be treated, etc. He discussed us with a close cousin, and somehow word got back to his mom that he was dating a woman with children (I have 3). She called him and let him know that was not what was best for him and that he needed to find someone a little younger without children and start over. He said that he couldn't go against his mom. Basically his mom thought he could do better than me. This all happened the first week of July. There were tears, a couple of crazy texts and emails from me but we said we would continue to be friends. Chatted at least once a week about work, dating etc. A couple of texts would be about he hadn't found a connection anywhere close to what he and I had and that it was going to take a special person to replace me. (Umm, okay, WTH - small breadcrumbs). He would give me advice a lot. First week of November, he gave me advice about my ex, I didn't take it. At that point, this new guy was doing some online dating and definitely wasn't interested in a relationship with me so I felt no need to take his advice if I didn't want to. He stopped talking to me at all. No calls, texts emails, he did a disappearing act. I stupidly broke NC a couple weeks later and called him. He responded about an hour later with a text saying that he was getting ready to fly out to see his family for the holiday. I said okay and to call when he got a chance. He never called back. I was only calling that time to officially end it and get some type of closure~very dumb idea I now know. I have moved on. No Christmas or New Years's texts. I've refocused and just decided to concentrate on my career and children for the next few years and maybe dating once my older 2 are out of highshcool. I've been jogging, finally lost those last 15 pounds and am content with my life, figuring I'd never hear from this guy again. I get a text early this morning from him: "Hey was just checking in on you. Is your divorce final?" I'm not sure what to do with it. It's been a few hours and I have not responded. I thought about calling him this evening when I know he's leaving work and driving home but I want to keep it short and simple. It took a lot of work for me to get over him and I do not want to get back to that point of hurt and sadness that I was at in the beginning.
sw2020 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Doesn't sound like he's treating you too well. If his mum decides his partners and she's decided against you, what's the point in speaking? 1
flightplan Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Just based on what you've told us.. not only no, but hell no. You can do.. and will do a lot better. Don't hold out for scraps from this guy. 2
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Doesn't sound like he's treating you too well. If his mum decides his partners and she's decided against you, what's the point in speaking? I asked him after how did he not know his mom would have an issue with me and that he and his mom needed to get together and make out a list of what he needs in a partner and then date after they've gotten their list together. I'm not sure what the point is? I've told him before that there was no need for exes to be friends, he agreed.
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Just based on what you've told us.. not only no, but hell no. You can do.. and will do a lot better. Don't hold out for scraps from this guy. Thanks. I wish I had found this site sooner, as in after all of this first happened with his mom. I would have been a lot further ahead in my progress of getting over all of this mess.
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 And before anyone mentions it, I already know that I did somethings wrong. I do feel in a way that I cheated on my exDH and this may just be a bit of karma. That's something I've never done before and won't ever again. Because of how exDH treated me, I don't feel terribly bad about it. I never even set out to meet the new guy until I knew my marriage was over and had let DH know that as well.
Zahara Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I asked him after how did he not know his mom would have an issue with me and that he and his mom needed to get together and make out a list of what he needs in a partner and then date after they've gotten their list together. I'm not sure what the point is? I've told him before that there was no need for exes to be friends, he agreed. I'm sure she lays out his clothes every morning as well. You don't want to get entangled with weak minded man. Especially one that disappears on you. Don't settle. You seem to be on the right track and making progress in your life. As strong and independent as you are, there is no need to engage with a man that needs to sit down with his mommy and write lists of what mom wants in a woman. 3
frigginlost Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Throw him a breadcrumb back... "Yes" or "No" See what he responds with. Maybe his mom is out of the picture. Life's too f'ing short to play games...
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I'm sure she lays out his clothes every morning as well. You don't want to get entangled with weak minded man. Especially one that disappears on you. Don't settle. You seem to be on the right track and making progress in your life. As strong and independent as you are, there is no need to engage with a man that needs to sit down with his mommy and write lists of what mom wants in a woman. Thanks. Somehow he's 37 and lives alone, his mom lives in another state hours away. His reasoning was that his mom didn't want him to marry his 1st wife (they weren't in love and only married because they had a child on the way), he didn't listen to his mom that time and doesn't want to make a mistake like that again. I realize now that I should not have gotten so serious with someone so soon after my marriage/divorce, but the heart doesn't tend to listen to the brain as much as it should.
Zahara Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks. Somehow he's 37 and lives alone, his mom lives in another state hours away. His reasoning was that his mom didn't want him to marry his 1st wife (they weren't in love and only married because they had a child on the way), he didn't listen to his mom that time and doesn't want to make a mistake like that again. I realize now that I should not have gotten so serious with someone so soon after my marriage/divorce, but the heart doesn't tend to listen to the brain as much as it should. Well, that still doesn't change the fact that you still have 3 kids and you are still not a suitable candidate for her. Don't settle. 2
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Throw him a breadcrumb back... "Yes" or "No" See what he responds with. Maybe his mom is out of the picture. Life's too f'ing short to play games... My divorce has been settled for over a month now and my exDH has moved out of state as he promised. I'm here alone with my children and am content. Still not sure how to respond to his text. As far as his mom? Not sure. I agree about life being short to play games, especially at this age. ETA: I just replied back to his question with "It is".
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Well, that still doesn't change the fact that you still have 3 kids and you are still not a suitable candidate for her. Don't settle. Thanks for the tough words, they're helping. Maybe he finally decided to be an "adult" would be my only guess as to why he's starting to initiate contact. Honestly I'm not so sure if I would take him back or not ~ sounds crazy. I'm 99% sure I won't and I'm 1000% sure I won't be packing up and moving to be near him anytime before my older 2 are done with highschool, another 3 years to go for that. That deal is definitely off the table. After his disappearing act, the trust is just no longer there. I wouldn't even trust this guy to go the store to buy milk, not sure if he'd come back or not. 2
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 For anyone else out there hoping for a breadcrumb, it's not worth it. I was doing really well with getting over this until today. For so long, I hoped for one; then everything I read on here said that it's best for my recovery if he didn't send one so I believed it and mumbled a few thank you's that he didn't send out the standard Christmas or New Year's text that I had so long hoped for. It seems to be about my self-respect at this point. He either needs to come full-out with the apologies or just leave me the heck alone.
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) My divorce has been settled for over a month now and my exDH has moved out of state as he promised. I'm here alone with my children and am content. Still not sure how to respond to his text. As far as his mom? Not sure. I agree about life being short to play games, especially at this age. ETA: I just replied back to his question with "It is". He responded back already: "That's great. How are things now?" Any ideas on how to respond? It's getting to be comical at this point! I can't and won't do this back and forth nonsense over nothing. It was cute and fine when we were together and even for a long time when I wanted him back; now not so much. Edited January 17, 2014 by btfly803
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Alright. I told him to call when he leaves work today, in about 3 hours. (I'm not doing this texting nonsense.) Any ideas on what to say? I have a lot to say but don't see the point in saying half of it. Mainly I want to ask what's the point of texting today after disappearing a couple months ago. Of course I want to also tell him that it's childish to disappear, but that's what I'd expect from someone who needs his mom's help to pick a partner.
radiodarcy Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Unfortunately, you played into his game when you responded to his first text. it sounds to me like this guy is just fishing - - to what end I have no idea. If anything he's curious as to how you're doing and quite possibly is looking to hook up. But it's certainly doesn't sound like he's looking to get back together. At this point your curiosity as to what he wants has been piqued - - so not answering the phone when he calls may not be an easy - - or viable option at this point; although I would strongly recommend that you don't. If you must - - try your best to emotionally prepare for the fallout because something tells me you aren't going to hear what you're hoping for... 1
Author btfly803 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Unfortunately, you played into his game when you responded to his first text. it sounds to me like this guy is just fishing - - to what end I have no idea. If anything he's curious as to how you're doing and quite possibly is looking to hook up. But it's certainly doesn't sound like he's looking to get back together. At this point your curiosity as to what he wants has been piqued - - so not answering the phone when he calls may not be an easy - - or viable option at this point; although I would strongly recommend that you don't. If you must - - try your best to emotionally prepare for the fallout because something tells me you aren't going to hear what you're hoping for... Thanks for responding. I am honestly not hoping for anything. I've slowly come to a place of indifference about him. After thinking about it, I shouldn't have responded the first time. A "hook-up" is definitely not happening. I'm not into him like that anymore. Sometimes I want to vomit when I think of the fact that I almost moved to be near him when he's got serious mommy issues and isn't anywhere near the adult I needed him to be. 1
frigginlost Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks for responding. I am honestly not hoping for anything. I've slowly come to a place of indifference about him. After thinking about it, I shouldn't have responded the first time. A "hook-up" is definitely not happening. I'm not into him like that anymore. Sometimes I want to vomit when I think of the fact that I almost moved to be near him when he's got serious mommy issues and isn't anywhere near the adult I needed him to be. There is nothing wrong with you responding. Jeez, I wish some people would loosen their jaw with this whole No Contact thing... Your head seems to be in the right place. If he calls, or you call him back, cut to the chase with him "what's on your mind?". Leave it at that. If he waivers on anything, or is just looking for a friendly voice, tell him you gotta go. If he says he blew it, his mom was an arse, or anything like that, put your guard up and hear him out... 1
Zahara Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I have a lot to say but don't see the point in saying half of it. Mainly I want to ask what's the point of texting today after disappearing a couple months ago. Of course I want to also tell him that it's childish to disappear, but that's what I'd expect from someone who needs his mom's help to pick a partner. I would hold off on all of that. After you've established his reasons for contacting you, then you can decide on how you want to respond. Let him take the lead. Be calm and casual. 1
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 He texted this morning after NC since November 20th, 2013. A small backstory: I had a horrible, verbally abusive marriage. I finally decided I was done with my marriage. After being faithful to my DH for over a decade, I decided to find a male friend to talk to. Met a guy online, he was divorcing as well. Instant chemistry, passion, friendship and compatibility. We were both mid 30's, professionals, great incomes etc. It was long distance (3 hours drive) so we talked a lot. His divorce was mostly amicable. Mine was hard, he helped me through some tough times with my ex and I some of his tough moments with his stressful job. Everything seemed to be going well. We talked about me moving closer to him - I have absolutely no family or support system where I live now and my exDH said if I divorced him that he was moving out of state and that I would be on my own with our children; the new guy and his ex share custody of their son. He lives in a much larger city that I have wanted to live in for a while. I also have a good friend from highschool there, my career is easily portable. It just made more sense for me to move. Fast forward, there's a couple of meet-ups, some I Love You's, always be here for you, never met a person like you, I can't wait to show you how you should be treated, etc. He discussed us with a close cousin, and somehow word got back to his mom that he was dating a woman with children (I have 3). She called him and let him know that was not what was best for him and that he needed to find someone a little younger without children and start over. He said that he couldn't go against his mom. Basically his mom thought he could do better than me. This all happened the first week of July. There were tears, a couple of crazy texts and emails from me but we said we would continue to be friends. Chatted at least once a week about work, dating etc. A couple of texts would be about he hadn't found a connection anywhere close to what he and I had and that it was going to take a special person to replace me. (Umm, okay, WTH - small breadcrumbs). He would give me advice a lot. First week of November, he gave me advice about my ex, I didn't take it. At that point, this new guy was doing some online dating and definitely wasn't interested in a relationship with me so I felt no need to take his advice if I didn't want to. He stopped talking to me at all. No calls, texts emails, he did a disappearing act. I stupidly broke NC a couple weeks later and called him. He responded about an hour later with a text saying that he was getting ready to fly out to see his family for the holiday. I said okay and to call when he got a chance. He never called back. I was only calling that time to officially end it and get some type of closure~very dumb idea I now know. I have moved on. No Christmas or New Years's texts. I've refocused and just decided to concentrate on my career and children for the next few years and maybe dating once my older 2 are out of highshcool. I've been jogging, finally lost those last 15 pounds and am content with my life, figuring I'd never hear from this guy again. I get a text early this morning from him: "Hey was just checking in on you. Is your divorce final?" I'm not sure what to do with it. It's been a few hours and I have not responded. I thought about calling him this evening when I know he's leaving work and driving home but I want to keep it short and simple. It took a lot of work for me to get over him and I do not want to get back to that point of hurt and sadness that I was at in the beginning. This is where silence become's more important. Sometime's they throw out these breadcrumbs and expect you to be sat waiting on them. DO NOT REPLY If this fool listens to his "mummy" over his heart and believes that you aren't good enough that let him think that. Just let the idiot stew!! He is so not worth it x 1
Zahara Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 This is where silence become's more important. Sometime's they throw out these breadcrumbs and expect you to be sat waiting on them. DO NOT REPLY If this fool listens to his "mummy" over his heart and believes that you aren't good enough that let him think that. Just let the idiot stew!! He is so not worth it x Well, she already responded so no choice but to see what he has to say. I'd pass on a mama's boy and one that ignores and disappears on me. He doesn't get to just pick up where he left off -- seemingly ready and quick to respond to his needs/questions. It only shows eagerness - when he had no issues letting go so easily. 2
CaliBabe Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 He disappeared on you and sent you one small random text months later and you jump to respond as if you were just waiting for him all these months. You shouldn't even give him the pleasure of hearing your voice again. Remember when you told him to call you and he never did? Yeah, remember that. Let him know what it feels like. Smh. You just gave him a major ego boost. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Well, she already responded so no choice but to see what he has to say. I'd pass on a mama's boy and one that ignores and disappears on me. He doesn't get to just pick up where he left off -- seemingly ready and quick to respond to his needs/questions. It only shows eagerness - when he had no issues letting go so easily. LOL I missed that bit clearly! Either way stop texting him hell change your number and forget to give him it. If he doesn't text you and you don't know his number by memory you'll soon forget him. Screw him and his breadcrumbs! 1
Author btfly803 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 He called. We caught up on somethings that have happened, then I got to my point~the whole disappearing and not answering my call, etc. I kept my guard up the entire time. I don't think I really believe him. He said something about he was in a different place, wasn't thinking clearly, but that he's better now (Lol!) I told him that adults usually handle things like that differently, and I knew I deserved at least a text letting me know what was going on with him. I told him that these last couple months of been really good for me, that's it's been so good not talking to him so frequently and that we/he should have done this "no contact" thing much earlier, it has given me clarity, perspective and let me know exactly how he felt about me. He said we should keep in touch and if I wanted to talk to him ever about anything that I can call. I let him know that I don't trust him enough to even answer the phone if I were to call and I told him that I'm sure I wouldn't be calling him. I let him know that I don't consider him a friend or really anything to me anymore. He said he wanted to know if we could somehow get back to being friends. I let him know that it would take so much work on his part for that to happen and that I don't think it's worth it. Again I told him that I would not be calling him. I feel relieved, and a bit powerful and with somewhat of an ego boost after all of it. I don't think he feels that way, but I don't care either. I'm glad I had the conversation and now I am back to being indifferent. I don't care if he calls again. Not sure if I handled it how some others would have, but I feel good about how I handled it this time. 1
Author btfly803 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 Well, she already responded so no choice but to see what he has to say. I'd pass on a mama's boy and one that ignores and disappears on me. He doesn't get to just pick up where he left off -- seemingly ready and quick to respond to his needs/questions. It only shows eagerness - when he had no issues letting go so easily. It seemed that was exactly what he was wanting, to just pick up right where he left off. Not happening.
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