ICantStopLovinHim Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 I'm not sure why I am even writing this considering i already know what most of the responses will say. But i have to tell someone what i have done or i am going to go crazy...New year right? So i text my former MM actually never married but in a long relationship....so anyway I just say happy new year blah blah blah how are you blah blah...... Then he immidiately writes back. I mean he jumps right in with both feet saying I miss you how are you i have been thinking about you.....really? Hmmm no phone call no email not even a text from him in over a year and he has been thinking about me? Yeah right.... I have a b/f I know i care about him alot. Love him? i dont know too hard to tell with all the damn emotion i still carry for the "MM" I don't ever see myself cheating on my b/f NOT EVER. But now i find myself sitting her watching the cell phone waiting.....waiting to see if he will call....or write.....or something. Been back in contact with him for 3 days and yesterday he said he would call today.......still no call. I am not a stupid person and yet here i am at work watching my cell phone with my heart pounding through my chest.....taking my breath away waiting.....WHY OH WHY cant my b/f make me feel this way? I talk to him every day and never not even in the begining have i felt this way. So i am back to where i was before thinking of him ....looking at his picture wondering what he's been up to.....I hate myself right now.....I feel like a recovering alcoholic who just had another drink after a year of sobriety. What Have I done??? I am so stupid. I wonder just how long i can wait before i am the one making the first move asking him why i haven't heard from him yet.....sounding despeate....sounding pathetic.....stupid stupid stupid........
Owl Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Well....same advice I'd give any addict...you screwed up. BUT...that doesn't mean you have to KEEP screwing up. One more time....walk away. Just 'cause you made the mistake of contacting him once it does NOT mean you have to keep doing so...that you have to throw away all this time you've spent getting away from him. Just end it now.
ww Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 ok OWL. but tell me one thing. I decided to do it with my MM. BUT: should I do it face to face ( he is away right now) or should i do it by e mail or phone?
Mr Spock Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Stop hijacking the thread WW. Contacting him obviously resurfaced the old excitement-you need to just get out of the house and away from the computer for a while..... Put the picture away. Don't contact him again.
Author ICantStopLovinHim Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Tell me one thing..........If its so wrong? why does wanting him feel so right? I dont think i have the strength to walk away. Not again. Been a year and not one day went by he wasnt somewhere in my mind......now its just he is the ONLY thing on my mind......
ww Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 ok spock so u r suggesting i should simply disappear ...not even saying anything?
NiCoLe20 Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 i think it all winds down to the fact that you really want something you cant fully have. like he's been in a long relationship w/ someone else...and you want to be that someone right? and the reason you dont feel that wit ur man is b/c you already have him
Mr Spock Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Because people who pine after something unavailable enjoy torturing themselves like that. You never had a chance to see if the relationship would tank if it was valid-there's all sorts of fantasy still bumping around in your head......it's hard to get out of there. And NO ww, I wasn't saying that at all but this thread isn't about you or your issues-Owl is responding to you in your own.
Author ICantStopLovinHim Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Its ok with me WW where ever you feel you belong to say what you need too....Better to get that emotion out then hold it in i guess.... Thanks for your advice spock its greatly appreciated. Sure wish i knew how to love my b/f this much....wish he was the one i thought about all the time......*sigh*
ww Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 ooooooops.sowwy i am going there than. OWL. so okso u contacted him.a mistake. but u r stronger than i am. i cannot even stop the contact. and right now i am crying ...huh
ww Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 but since we r here pls try to give me advice on this one: well than i am at this point to let go ( not just bc i had all of this post etc) but i wonder honestly: should I even talk to him to tell him or should i just vanish with no explanation. and yes i already changed my cell nr. and closed my e- mail account ( i have another) eventually i could call him with another phone nr. or open an hotamail account and just write him an e mail. right this moment what I feel is .....just to go on the moon anyway thanks and i won`t write anymore.
Owl Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Let me ask this question...and THINK about it honestly before you answer. How HARD have you worked at truly loving your BF? You really had to work at it with your MM...because it's darned hard to make that work out, and you did so for a good while. With a MM, you end up making all kind of reasons (read...excuses) to keep the relationship going, why its better than anything else. You see it all the time here on LS. But...do you have to do that with your BF? You almost have to brainwash yourself during the whole "affair" thing to keep believing the lies, BS, etc... You don't have to do that with a REAL relationship. So no wonder the relationship with the BF doesn't seem nearly as "exciting", "strong", etc... Start WORKING on that relationship with the boyfriend. You'll be amazed at what can happen when you start putting serious effort into it. Good luck friend!!
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 ok spock so u r suggesting i should simply disappear ...not even saying anything? Think spock just wants ya to start your own thread, then you will get more responses to what you are going though. Good idea, you should, because everyone here needs some sort of support no matter what situation they're in. WW, contact your mm over the phone. No visual contact. He doesn't respect you enough so don't give him that consideration. Will be easier for you as well. Good luck! ICSLH, Don't beat up on yourself, start fresh. Just know yes, you meant something to him but now it is just best for both of you not to keep in touch as it is bringing up alot of old feelings and emotion. Closure...Then move on. If you can't feel those feelings with your b/f then maybe he isn't the right guy for you. Did you feel this way from the start or just recently? The MM is poison to you right now...He knows he has your attention and why hasn't he called? Cuz now he knows YOU want him to, and the control is back with him. I know that seems harsh but that it what it seems like to me. Keep busy, close your heart, mind and soul off from him. IM him back and just say now is NOT a good time to call, so please don't call me this week...Take back that control! I know it sounds like a game, but in a sad way, it is. Hang in there and dont' beat up on yourself, just let it go...
scarletibis Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by ICantStopLovinHim Tell me one thing..........If its so wrong? why does wanting him feel so right? I dont think i have the strength to walk away. Not again. Been a year and not one day went by he wasnt somewhere in my mind......now its just he is the ONLY thing on my mind...... Sorry about the pain you must be feeling, but you can walk away again, you already had the strength in you to do it once. And, like Owl has already stated, messing up once doesn't mean you have to do it again. Honestly though, do you truly believe you messed up? I mean, I know you regret it, but you stated that it feels so "right" even though it's "wrong." It'll be forever hard to let go if you truly feel that it "feels right." I'm not all that good at advice, but just know that I empathize with what you're feeling.
Author ICantStopLovinHim Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 For owl.....you said how hard had i worked at truly loving my boyfriend? Assuming you think it must have not been that much because i dont love him the same way? Well to answer you I have worked VERY Hard and i still do and its because of the MM that i have to work so hard.... I feel bad and deceitfull for the feeling i still carry for my MM. That i cant truly give my boyfriend my heart.... And with the MM? Believe it or not it wasnt hard at all to love him...almost instantanious the second he walked in the room i was in love....the frist time we spoke i was in love. That was new year's eve 2000 and not once since then has this feeling diminished from my heart.....and i would pay any amount of money if there was a magic pill to make it disappear.
Owl Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 I apologize for the way my post must have sounded. It's been my impression (I've never been in your situation) that there is so much involved in the OW/MM relationship that it always seems like it's a constant effort for them....they're both fighting so hard for it sometimes. And again...my opinion...normal relationships don't usually REQUIRE that effort. So sometimes we get into the habit of not putting as much effort into them. I apologize if I came off in any way to make it sound like you're not doing your best. I meant more along the lines that you may not have been able to put forth your best effort. I stand corrected. Not much I can say to offer any solace or help friend. Good luck to you though!!
Author ICantStopLovinHim Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Its ok owl i wasnt offended in any way ....... Its good to for me to hear what you have to say really because sometimes when i look back at what i write it makes me feel better as well. I understand what you meant about the effort.....you right in a way i could never totally put all my effort to my current b/f because in the back of my mind i will always know he could never measure up to my MM....as well as he shouldnt have too....what makes it worse is he doesnt even know....he has no clue how i still feel about this man.....for all he knows he was my knight in shining armor who came to take me from a going no where relationship to give me the world.....what he never knew was i never let go....i just stepped back a little.....and now i feel so guilty....I absolutely feel like i have cheated my boyfriend out of the relationship he thinks he has....and one he most certainly deserves....thank you for your words owl.......they do help....
Owl Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 OK...so...while I'm asking annoying and pointless questions....LOL! You feel bad about your relationship with your boyfriend. Like you've cheated him out of what he thinks he has... Do you want to do anything about that?? Seriously...do you WANT to give him that relationship, or are you still too enamoured with the OM to consider that?? If you want to...what do you think YOU can do to make it happen?? What would it take to make it happen?? If you don't want to change it...what do you think you should do about that in terms of your boyfriend?
Author ICantStopLovinHim Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Want to know what i want? I want to love my boyfriend the way i love the MM. I want to NEVER EVER think about the MM ever again. But the reality of that happening? Hardly.........I broke it off with the MM over two years ago and stopped ALL contact completely a year ago..........and i did this when i met my current b/f. And the twist? Me and the b/f have a one year old son.........you would think that by moving on and starting a family with someone else that it would give me the strength to forget about the MM forever......... But it didnt work i went about it the wrong way......I allowed my b/f to lead me to believe he could give me what i wanted.........but what i wanted in reality was a real relationship but with the MM and noone else........ So not only have i cheated my b/f and my son but also myself...........i just dont know what else to do. I want to release the control this MM has over my heart. I wish he would be mean to me or tell me to go away and never come back..........something to help.
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Have you considered going to counseling? Personal, if not couples? I can kind of understand your situation friend...but I've not been there myself, so I'm not sure what kind of advice I could offer at this point. It seems to me that a counselor might help you work out why you feel how you feel, and maybe give you some guidance to work for what you want. Good luck to you though friend.
Author ICantStopLovinHim Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Thankyou and btw your wife is VERY lucky make sure you remind her every day
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by ICantStopLovinHim Thankyou and btw your wife is VERY lucky make sure you remind her every day LOL, I try!! You know, its one of those things that makes me just sit back and wonder at the power of emotions sometimes. I am a reasonably good looking 38 year old guy...decent shape, still no grey hair, and I'm an awesome dad and husband. And I am the most supportive, loving, caring person to those I love that I know. (done bragging now! ) So when I look back at what happened with my wife this past Spring, I just can't understand it. She felt like there was something missing...and the few changes that we've made in our marriage just don't seem significant enough to me to have been the "cause" of what happened. And I'm still guilty of somehow feeling that what happened was my fault. Gotta love how emotions don't have to make sense some days.
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