Thinking about seeing an ex very soon

[Colton]

First time poster,

 

So before I start I want you to know that we don't live in the same state (about 16 hours driving/ 2 hours flying). It has been almost one year since our break up.

 

Things were amazing but just turned to absolute s*** our last month together. If i'm honest, I think things really just boiled down to us being unsure and young (me 22, her 21).

 

But in the end she broke it off with me. The last year i've been doing things to help me through everything. I've been working out, going to school full time, work 25-35 hours per week, seeing other women, and now i'm moving to another city.

 

But still don't feel like im over her. Over the course of the next 6 months I want to visit at least 3 big cities ive never been to just to experience different cultures within the US. One of those cities is hers.

 

So im debating on whether or not to contact her when I am there. I still think about her everyday, and I still love her, but idk it just seems like I should be moved on by now.

 

The only thing holding me back from wanting to contact her while im in her city is being rejected. But someone told me "if all I have to lose is some of my pride, but what I have to gain is the woman I love, isn't that worth the risk?"

 

I guess im a bit afraid of looking like a fool but I think im more afraid of being old thinking what if (even if I find someone else).

 

If I do get rejected, i can't wonder "what if" im just back to square one and can move on.

 

What do you guys think? When I'm in her city, should I contact her? Tell her how I still feel or not? What would you do in my situation?

[iworthmore]

seems u r aware of the consequences of contacting her after 1 year of NC. and u know that contacting her and getting rejected will take u back to square 1.

the chances she will reject you are very high. will you touch a hot water even u know it gonna hurt? it's up to u.

 

u have lil hope that she might be back. that's why u want to contact her, but u seem not ready for the outcome.

 

ur friend said:

"if all I have to lose is some of my pride, but what I have to gain is the woman I love, isn't that worth the risk?"

 

well, if she reject you u will lose them both.

 

i think you shouldn't contact her, if u meet her by chance then u can start talking to her and check the atmosphere, but contacting her and asking her back will be a huge mistake.

 

u shud start developing quality time with her and make good memories. but u have to be smart and make her attracted to you again.

asking her back is so unattractive.

 

if i was you i wouldn't contact her. i will wait until i bump into her and then will see her reaction.

 

remember, nothing worth ur pride, if the love of ur life cost u a lil pride then she's not the right 1 for you. she's 10000% not the one. in love there is no compromising,, there r 2 ppl willing to be with each other, having the same power in the RS. they doing it by choice and have great communication.

 

DO NOT contact her, she has moved on and probably has a new one. otherwise square 1 is waiting for you.

 

good luck mate..

Edited January 17, 2014 by iworthmore

[Colton]

seems u r aware of the consequences of contacting her after 1 year of NC. and u know that contacting her and getting rejected will take u back to square 1.

the chances she will reject you are very high. will you touch a hot water even u know it gonna hurt? it's up to u.

 

u have lil hope that she might be back. that's why u want to contact her, but u seem not ready for the outcome.

 

ur friend said:

"if all I have to lose is some of my pride, but what I have to gain is the woman I love, isn't that worth the risk?"

 

well, if she reject you u will lose them both.

 

i think you shouldn't contact her, if u meet her by chance then u can start talking to her and check the atmosphere, but contacting her and asking her back will be a huge mistake.

 

u shud start developing quality time with her and make good memories. but u have to be smart and make her attracted to you again.

asking her back is so unattractive.

 

if i was you i wouldn't contact her. i will wait until i bump into her and then will see her reaction.

 

remember, nothing worth ur pride, if the love of ur life cost u a lil pride then she's not the right 1 for you. she's 10000% not the one. in love there is no compromising,, there r 2 ppl willing to be with each other, having the same power in the RS. they doing it by choice and have great communication.

 

DO NOT contact her, she has moved on and probably has a new one. otherwise square 1 is waiting for you.

 

good luck mate..

 

 

You are obviously against me telling her how I still feel about her. You tell me to wait until I bump into her and see her reaction. We no longer live in the same state and haven't for more than a year. So i guess i want to ask if you think on my major city escapade, should I avoid hers altogether just so I don't run into her on accident?

[strive]

ten, twenty, thirty years from now, what will haunt you more? the pain of rejection or the what-might-have-been's in your life?

 

any other poster I'd easily say "NEVER EVER CONTACT!!" but something tells me you've grown in the past year. maybe only a small bit or maybe a lot, I don't know. you know what you're getting into and you know the consequences.

 

if I were in your shoes, I'd contact her. but don't expect a happy movie-ending here, just connect as friends and catch up. you might get rejected, find out she's happy with someone else, or even engaged to be married. it will hurt. you'll go back to square one. the only consolation you'll have is the knowledge that you tried.

 

then afterward, you might finally be able to let her go completely.

 

so I ask, what do you fear more, pain of rejection or forever not knowing what might have been?

[iworthmore]

no don't avoid her's. since we r in the second chances sub forum we try to help each other how to get our ex's back. after lots of reading and all based on true stories, showing up and asking her back right away usually backfire.

 

since u both live so far away, maybe it was easier for her to forget u, but long distance after BU's can also help with fresh starts. that's the point FRESH starts.

 

i think she can be ur friend again and maybe u both can hang out together, but bringing the past so fast and asking for getting back together right away will never work.

 

again i don't know how the break up was and in what terms, and what happened during the last year. if she ever contacted you or she showed some regret.

 

ur best chance is to start fresh, showing a change, being positive and happy, and confident.

 

u want her back and that's totally ok, but u should make her want you back not only to let her know that. it must be done step by step. slowly and carefully. starts from meeting her by accident then taking it forward very slowly. getting an ex back cant be done by only letting them know how u feel about them. there must be a strategy included. cuz ur doing it anyway. try to do it in the best way.

 

well, thats my opinion, maybe other's will disagree. i will never contact my ex. and i still have very strong feeling for her. thats why i never post in the second chances, never tried to get her back. since u want her back i can advice u with what i think its for the best.

 

include her city in ur major city escapade. figure out how to meet her and then try to make it fresh and new communication.

 

good luck bro.

Edited January 17, 2014 by iworthmore

[MNLP]

Seeing an ex is always a good idea in my opinion.

I just got coffee with my ex from like 3 years ago because I was back in my hometown.

It was great. Just be realistic with what is going to happen and what you expect. No reason to run away from something that you clearly really want to do.

[flightplan]

If it were me, I probably would try to see her. But I wouldn't have any expectations. I would approach from a fresh new perspective and try not to give off a vibe of reconnecting. Do it strictly from a "friend" perspective and go from there. If you don't have any expectations, then it can go a lot easier. Good luck!

[Colton]

so I ask, what do you fear more, pain of rejection or forever not knowing what might have been?

 

I gotta say rejection sucks, but I don't think I can be content with never trying.

 

i think she can be ur friend again and maybe u both can hang out together, but bringing the past so fast and asking for getting back together right away will never work.

 

ur best chance is to start fresh, showing a change, being positive and happy, and confident.

 

u want her back and that's totally ok, but u should make her want you back not only to let her know that. it must be done step by step. slowly and carefully. starts from meeting her by accident then taking it forward very slowly. getting an ex back cant be done by only letting them know how u feel about them. there must be a strategy included. cuz ur doing it anyway. try to do it in the best way.

 

well, thats my opinion, maybe other's will disagree. i will never contact my ex. and i still have very strong feeling for her. thats why i never post in the second chances, never tried to get her back. since u want her back i can advice u with what i think its for the best.

 

include her city in ur major city escapade. figure out how to meet her and then try to make it fresh and new communication.

 

good luck bro.

 

Thanks a lot man! I see what youre talking about. Take it slow, as friends, don't rush into the topic of our past (if at all) when im there. Be new to her, be positive/confident. My only thing is I think I have to contact her. While just accidentally bumping into her is ideal, it's hard to do that in a big city.

 

I have to ask though, if you still have strong feelings for her why wouldn't you want to contact her? Did things end up that badly?

 

Seeing an ex is always a good idea in my opinion.

I just got coffee with my ex from like 3 years ago because I was back in my hometown.

It was great. Just be realistic with what is going to happen and what you expect. No reason to run away from something that you clearly really want to do.

 

I feel though as if our situation is the same but different. I mean you came back to your hometown and decided to get coffee with your ex. Her city is one part of my major city vacation/trip. Maybe im over thinking it but would it come off as im trying too hard to reconnect? Because after all you came back home, im traveling all this way.

 

What happened after you two got coffee? Are you two friends again now? Did you ever talk in the 3 years prior?

 

 

If it were me, I probably would try to see her. But I wouldn't have any expectations. I would approach from a fresh new perspective and try not to give off a vibe of reconnecting. Do it strictly from a "friend" perspective and go from there. If you don't have any expectations, then it can go a lot easier. Good luck!

 

Thanks! Ok so like iworthmore said, act fresh, positive, and confident, but youre also saying dont give off a vibe trying to reconnect romantically right? Strictly as friends and no expectations so I dont get my hopes up. Makes sense.

[MNLP]

Hey first you are totally over thinking it. Just text her about your trip and say that it would be cool to see her while going through her city. Keep it simple.

 

My story goes like this: She and I were very serious and had a messy breakup. In the 3 years in between we talked on and off and each had feelings for the other at various times. Got back together once (bad idea). After about 6 months of no talking we started on the road to being friends. Now we are good friends that try to catch up as often as we can.

 

Even if nothing happens with your ex you might get some closure and there is nothing better for a hurting heart than some closure.

[iworthmore]

 

I have to ask though, if you still have strong feelings for her why wouldn't you want to contact her? Did things end up that badly?

 

 

well mate, my story is so complicated lol, i still think my ex is a bipolar. im not being sarcastic, i think she really is.

 

she took me for granted, i ended things with her 3 times, everytime she crawl back begging me to take her back, was weak and love is blind, took her back and she always ended things. of course after she did i said ok then within 2-3 weeks she come back again.

 

i was so confused, my mind was about to explode, she was great actor, she cried many times, and eventually i was only a challenge for her, the man who telling her get lost while all her ex's still chasing her beside many other men who always try to get her attention.

 

she lied many times, the GIGS hit her. but guess what, after 3+ months of total NC. while other ex's of her started to contact her asking for another chance. i remained silent. now she became interested again. sending me messages, asking ppl about me and showing up everywhere i go.

 

she's very hot, so popular, a dream of any man, but not for me anymore. she took me for granted and i thought i can't live without her, but today wow im so much better. never taking her back. its not about her, i proved something for myself. that's why i always against any contact with an ex. if they want you they know which way to go.

 

it wasnt that bad ending. but i always share tips that helped me. i talk from my experience, after all im not an expert.

[Colton]

well mate, my story is so complicated lol, i still think my ex is a bipolar. im not being sarcastic, i think she really is.

 

she took me for granted, i ended things with her 3 times, everytime she crawl back begging me to take her back, was weak and love is blind, took her back and she always ended things. of course after she did i said ok then within 2-3 weeks she come back again.

 

i was so confused, my mind was about to explode, she was great actor, she cried many times, and eventually i was only a challenge for her, the man who telling her get lost while all her ex's still chasing her beside many other men who always try to get her attention.

 

she lied many times, the GIGS hit her. but guess what, after 3+ months of total NC. while other ex's of her started to contact her asking for another chance. i remained silent. now she became interested again. sending me messages, asking ppl about me and showing up everywhere i go.

 

she's very hot, so popular, a dream of any man, but not for me anymore. she took me for granted and i thought i can't live without her, but today wow im so much better. never taking her back. its not about her, i proved something for myself. that's why i always against any contact with an ex. if they want you they know which way to go.

 

it wasnt that bad ending. but i always share tips that helped me. i talk from my experience, after all im not an expert.

 

 

I can relate to this because whenever I would ignore her or tell her "ok I respect your decision" she always tried to creep back into my life (as much as she could being 1000 miles away). My ex is not the hottest girl around or the most athletic. But what she strived in was academics, art, music, good alcohol, and being down to earth. She was not the hottest, but she was very pretty and had that innocent girl look to her. And when you got to know her you realized this is not the kind of girl I want to hook up with but the kind I want to marry.

 

She acted so mature when we were together for being 20 but then after the split she acted so disgustingly immature, I couldn't believe it was the same person I dated. She became so infatuated with being the girl in the big city. Idk what happened to her.

 

But your ex displayed some pretty unattractive behavior and you realized that you don't need her to live. One year later I've realized I don't need her to live but I still can't shake her. It really sucks. But do you ever think if you had just kept NC for a year or whatever and then tried again, maybe things would have turned out differently in your case?

 

Hey first you are totally over thinking it. Just text her about your trip and say that it would be cool to see her while going through her city. Keep it simple.

 

My story goes like this: She and I were very serious and had a messy breakup. In the 3 years in between we talked on and off and each had feelings for the other at various times. Got back together once (bad idea). After about 6 months of no talking we started on the road to being friends. Now we are good friends that try to catch up as often as we can.

 

Even if nothing happens with your ex you might get some closure and there is nothing better for a hurting heart than some closure.

 

Doesn't it bug you that things didn't work out? Doesn't a friendship just catching up as much as you can with someone who you loved so much just feel like some second place prize?

 

What bothers me so much is the fact that we worked so well together, everything just seemed to click when we were together. We never argued until our last month together, but it's not like we had crucially relationship breaking differences. So I never really found out why she broke up with me; all I got was "I can't do this anymore".

[iworthmore]

But do you ever think if you had just kept NC for a year or whatever and then tried again, maybe things would have turned out differently in your case?

 

well mate, i dont think so. i was great as a bf. but she fall out of love. it doesnt matter how NC you do. if there is love no need for NC if both sides willing to sit down and work things out.

 

i only go NC for myself, not expecting anything but moving on. sometimes it does work but not after a nasty break up and a cheating partner.

 

keep us updated with you mate, and u were right, its hard to run to ur ex in the big city. must find a way lol. good luck bro. if you think she worth it then go for it.

 

best wishes.:-)

[Colton]

And what a coincidence that she had just texted me today asking me if we can be friends again. I havent replied yet.

[MNLP]

The friendship never felt like second prize because we both moved on. If I still had feelings for her I'm sure it would have.

Sounds like what you need is some closure my friend. Meet her and get it. Also watch High Fidelity for some inspiration

[Colton]

And now I'm having second thoughts on the whole thing. While I do want the closure or the rekindled friendship or whatever, I just don't know if it's worth it.

 

She contacted me about a week ago and this is how it went:

 

Her: Hi. Can we be friends?

(the next day)

Her: Cool

Me: I'd like to be

Her: I miss our friendship

Me: What do you want me to say? Yes lets be friends again and everything goes back to normal?

Her: Idk, well ya its been like a year

Me: Yeah I know, I'd have to think about it.

 

(the next day)

Me: Hey can you talk tonight?

Her: Sorry I have work late and school in the morning.

Me: When do you get out of school tomorrow?

Her: 5

Me: Alright cool lets do that then

 

(the next day)

Her: I got called into work tonight, sorry cant talk

Me: Ok, when can you talk then?

Her: Tomorrow night

Me: Well I should be good around 7. Does that work?

Her: Ya

 

(the next day)

Me: Actually I'll be free around 8, I'll call you then.

(no response from her)

So I called her at 8 and she never picked up.

 

(fast forward to yesterday)

Me: Hey

Her: Hey

Me: What are you up to? I tried calling you the other day but I guess you were busy.

(no response back)

 

I'm very much over her doing this. We've talked a few times over the past year but never about what happened between us. She never wants to talk about it. I've been just fine without her even though I still think about her.

 

I don't need her in my life, I'll go on living just fine without her, I just can't decide whether or not I still want her in my life. Especially when shes doing things like this.

[d0cholliday]

I don't need her in my life, I'll go on living just fine without her, I just can't decide whether or not I still want her in my life. Especially when shes doing things like this.

 

 

Dude... Look at her messages, look them carefully!!! What's wrong with them? What are you doing wrong when texting????

 

Don't be suprised with her not anwsering.

 

I think you should move on, live your life... If you meet her, have a good time, be cool, fun, and keep things lightly, maybe have sex and dissapear... I don't know, but I think she isn't for you... It's long distance, she feels she can have you, hence her behavior, and that kind of texting... If I was you I would tell her about your trip, that you will be in her town, it would be nice to see her, and have some fun, she shows you around, that's it... and then go ninja on her, wait for her to contact you, if she doesnt, just move on with your life and your plans..

[xUnknown]

ur friend said:

"if all I have to lose is some of my pride, but what I have to gain is the woman I love, isn't that worth the risk?"

 

I'm pretty sure I said that word for word in a thread once...

 

Glad it was something worthwhile to have it repeated to someone else for advice

[xUnknown]

Just read the rest of the thread. If she can't or isn't willing to discuss the breaking up - or anything else, then move on. Clearly you've changed, but she hasn't.

[strive]

Okay, now stop.

 

I take back what I said about meeting up with her. Did you see what happened to your back and forth messages? It really went downhill quickly. You were well on your way to being emotionally stable but these messages sent you back to the "I desperately want to talk to her" stage.

 

Back to NC for you.

[Colton]

Okay, now stop.

 

I take back what I said about meeting up with her. Did you see what happened to your back and forth messages? It really went downhill quickly. You were well on your way to being emotionally stable but these messages sent you back to the "I desperately want to talk to her" stage.

 

Back to NC for you.

 

So I'm guessing you would advise not going to her city then? There are tons of ones that id like to visit, hers just happens to be a really cool one so I thought I could do a "two birds with one stone" thing. I'm just done with this back and forth. She was right it's been a year, I'm not the same person I was when we broke up, this behavior is just so silly this long after. I miss her but this back and forth, her behavior, etc is just not worth the trouble.

[Colton]

Btw, does anyone have any thoughts on what she's trying to do. She used to be my best friend at one point and I hers. It's hard to imagine someone I used to love is acting so childish. This is clearly some BS game right? Or could there be something else?

[Colton]

I'm pretty sure I said that word for word in a thread once...

 

Glad it was something worthwhile to have it repeated to someone else for advice

 

Oh yeah my buddy comes to LS occasionally, so I guess that's where he read it and repeated it to me lol