how do you argue?

[countryrider13]

I've read another post about a couple throwing items and breaking things when angry and arguing. To me that's not healthy, but I've never been in that situation. I've had a couple of boyfriends where things got heated and I've been yelled at/degrated which in turn caused me to raise my voice and stand up for myself...that's why they're now exes! My current bf and I are pretty calm. We've had a couple disagreements but haven't raised our voices at eachother or degrated one another in the heat of the moment, which I believe it should be. Personally I like to talk through things. I understand if there's such a strong emotion/feeling about something and one of us needs to take a break to collect our thoughts, breathe then come back and continue talking in a calm manor. I'm the type of person that doesn't like to go to bed angry cause it just festers in my head and I over think things more. But I certainly don't want to get into a yelling match or get to throwing things. I'm thankful that my bf and I are pretty calm headed and have respect for eachother that so far we can talk through things. Hopefully we always will be able to handle what life deals us in this manor.

 

My question for those of you who have been married a while, or in your relationship for a while...how do you normally argue. What do you do in the moment to keep things sane or do they sometimes get out of control? What's the secret to making things work when there's a big disagreement?

[todreaminblue]

i talk.....i listen i try to understand their point....i am honest with what i think and feel and expect the same for the issue to reach resolution

[Grumpybutfun]

My wife and I were discussing this the other day. In the early years I remember a lot of crying by her and me carrying her around to get her to stop running away, taking the door off the hinges to our bedrooms because she would try to lock me out, me holding her really close to me hoping I wasn't crushing her because she was fighting me and she was so tiny, or her yelling until I couldn't think anymore. I went deaf, I am pretty sure of it. She cried, fell in the floor crying her eyes out and I had never see a nothing like it before. I grew up in a stoic non communicative family. My silence made her crazy.,

 

Then, we grew up and realized how much fun life was when we could argue like adults and place some boundaries and have situational awareness. She got therapy for her child abuse and I learned that I couldn't keep carrying her around to stop her from leaving if that is what she had to do at the moment due to that abuse. I started going with her to therapy and support groups and learned why she did what she did and how to diffuse a situation or trigger.

We stopped thinking about I and me and started thinking of us and we.

 

When we felt our tempers rise we would take a few moments out, especially her because she has a temper like nobody I had ever known before. I had to stop retreating so far inside myself that I wouldn't talk at all, and she had to stop talking because she could convince the sun to come out at night if she had the desire. I learned to know when it was our problem or when it was a childhood problem. I learned how to relax into the situation and open my arms and let her come into them even if she was furious at me. Not easy when I was sure I was right most of the time but I wanted to be happy and more importantly, I wanted her to be happy. From this, she learned to trust that I wasn't going to leave and I wasn't ever going to hurt her. I learned that being macho and right was nothing compared to being loved and admired. I still stood for what I believed in but by that time we both had morphed into believing a lot of the same things, except she is a bleeding heart and I think people shouldn't be handed anything for free.

 

We all come into relationships with scars and baggage so we have to figure out the best way to move through it without hurting the other person. Learning to fight well is really learning how to say how can we compromise and come to a satisfying conclusions without tears or drama. We made concrete rules for the kids and they adhered to them for the most part. I learned a lot of things from the military and honestly made it into a lifestyle for them without the rigidity. They knew what was expected and we made sure that they felt valued and loved regardless of any of the outcomes. However, they had expectations and they could decide how they got to where they needed to go, but they had to get there on their own. She babied them and I molded them. Worked out well.

 

We have been married for so long now that she will say, I am angry about this and that and I will say best outcome for you possible and she will say this on Tuesday and that on Thursday and I will say this on Wednesday and that is something I will not touch with a ten foot pole. We shake on it and that's about it nowadays.

 

We still passionately argue politics and have heated discussions about strategic battles ...if Attila fought Napoleon, who would win? And there are no shortcuts, details and battle sequences have to be possible and shown on a map. If Magellan had never sailed what would be the economic consequences or if Poe had lived what would be his further contributions to literary circles? We have even argued the relationships of the Beatles and which ones were the best ones for their music. All in fun, of course.

 

It really is about knowing each other's expectations and knowing how to compromise so that both of you feel satisfied. The groundwork has to be laid way before the fights start and it takes a few times before you actually figure out what the fights are going to be about. I couldn't believe how strict she was about the kids grades but bedtimes weren't even on her radar.....

G

[d0nnivain]

We disagree & have healthy robust debates about stuff.

 

 

We don't argue very much because we both have go for the jugular, fight to the death, win at all costs mentalities which we are smart enough to realize will destroy our marriage if we unleash those tendencies on the other. For that reason, when one gets up a full head of steam & is spoiling for a fight, the other exercises extreme self control & just takes it. When the upset one realizes what the calm one is doing, the upset one usually storms away to go be angry then calm down.

 

 

It's a really unusual way of dealing but so far it works for us.

 

 

Both of us have competitive, cutthroat jobs so we both to a lot of avoid confrontation & conflict in our personal lives.

[Poppygoodwill]

When things get too heated, I often step back and ask, in a very calm voice, "What are we *actually* arguing about?" because of course for the most part, it's not about teh dishes or who forgot to buy the milk. That sort of gives us both pause and refocuses thinking away from whatever stupid thing we were goign on about. Often then we will start being honest about what we're *actually* upset about. It doesn't mean we always resolve things, but it sort of humanizes us if you know what I mean, and stops us arguing and starts us talking.

[HokeyReligions]

Are you me? This sounds like my marriage thru the years.

 

My wife and I were discussing this the other day. In the early years I remember a lot of crying by her and me carrying her around to get her to stop running away, taking the door off the hinges to our bedrooms because she would try to lock me out, me holding her really close to me hoping I wasn't crushing her because she was fighting me and she was so tiny, or her yelling until I couldn't think anymore. I went deaf, I am pretty sure of it. She cried, fell in the floor crying her eyes out and I had never see a nothing like it before. I grew up in a stoic non communicative family. My silence made her crazy.,

 

Then, we grew up and realized how much fun life was when we could argue like adults and place some boundaries and have situational awareness. She got therapy for her child abuse and I learned that I couldn't keep carrying her around to stop her from leaving if that is what she had to do at the moment due to that abuse. I started going with her to therapy and support groups and learned why she did what she did and how to diffuse a situation or trigger.

We stopped thinking about I and me and started thinking of us and we.

 

When we felt our tempers rise we would take a few moments out, especially her because she has a temper like nobody I had ever known before. I had to stop retreating so far inside myself that I wouldn't talk at all, and she had to stop talking because she could convince the sun to come out at night if she had the desire. I learned to know when it was our problem or when it was a childhood problem. I learned how to relax into the situation and open my arms and let her come into them even if she was furious at me. Not easy when I was sure I was right most of the time but I wanted to be happy and more importantly, I wanted her to be happy. From this, she learned to trust that I wasn't going to leave and I wasn't ever going to hurt her. I learned that being macho and right was nothing compared to being loved and admired. I still stood for what I believed in but by that time we both had morphed into believing a lot of the same things, except she is a bleeding heart and I think people shouldn't be handed anything for free.

 

We all come into relationships with scars and baggage so we have to figure out the best way to move through it without hurting the other person. Learning to fight well is really learning how to say how can we compromise and come to a satisfying conclusions without tears or drama. We made concrete rules for the kids and they adhered to them for the most part. I learned a lot of things from the military and honestly made it into a lifestyle for them without the rigidity. They knew what was expected and we made sure that they felt valued and loved regardless of any of the outcomes. However, they had expectations and they could decide how they got to where they needed to go, but they had to get there on their own. She babied them and I molded them. Worked out well.

 

We have been married for so long now that she will say, I am angry about this and that and I will say best outcome for you possible and she will say this on Tuesday and that on Thursday and I will say this on Wednesday and that is something I will not touch with a ten foot pole. We shake on it and that's about it nowadays.

 

We still passionately argue politics and have heated discussions about strategic battles ...if Attila fought Napoleon, who would win? And there are no shortcuts, details and battle sequences have to be possible and shown on a map. If Magellan had never sailed what would be the economic consequences or if Poe had lived what would be his further contributions to literary circles? We have even argued the relationships of the Beatles and which ones were the best ones for their music. All in fun, of course.

 

It really is about knowing each other's expectations and knowing how to compromise so that both of you feel satisfied. The groundwork has to be laid way before the fights start and it takes a few times before you actually figure out what the fights are going to be about. I couldn't believe how strict she was about the kids grades but bedtimes weren't even on her radar.....

G

[The Peanut Gallery]

I have been married for eight years, and let me tell you, the first few were lumpy, to say the least!

 

You need to allow yourself adjustment time. It is hard getting used to a totally different person who is to play such an huge role in the rest of your life, and all of its decisions!

 

We started off fighting poorly - name calling, "fact" yelling, and the whole lot! A common fight was "YOU are ALWAYS doing ...." or, "I never did that, you liar!"

 

Then, at some point, we tried the most ridiculous thing - baby talking! It sounds insane, I know, but we made a pact that we would always fight using "baby talk". It was too funny to fight! "Youwa! Youwa are such a widdle wiar, you make me wanna to wun away!" Hahahaha!

 

Even though we don't do this anymore, we learned two other things along the way.

1) No name calling. Name calling doesn't fix anything

2) Tell me how you feel, not how it is. Your feelings are not wrong, but sometimes your opinion is. So tell me how my actions made you feel, don't tell me about my own actions.

 

So, instead of saying "You Selfish PRICK! You always do that!" I would say, "I feel like you are being selfish. I am feeling like this is often the case. I am hurting."

 

Then we learned two more steps.

 

3) Tell me what you need. Why have you brought this to my attention?

4) Is it worth fighting over?

 

So I would follow up with, "I am telling you how I feel about this, because I need you to hear me. I hope we can change this together. It really hurts me, and I know you don't intend to hurt me that way."

 

Also, we have had a few good laughs as our latest policy is to decide - mid fight - if it is worth fighting over. I consider - am I going to get a divorce over this issue? And if not, I loudly announce, "YOU THERE! Mister, YOU have hurt my feelings .... now GO TO MY ROOM!"

 

Hahaha!

[whichwayisup]

My question for those of you who have been married a while, or in your relationship for a while...how do you normally argue. What do you do in the moment to keep things sane or do they sometimes get out of control? What's the secret to making things work when there's a big disagreement?

No name calling, don't cross that line. Have respect and even if you're pissed off, take a breath and remember ego doesn't matter (though at times it is hard to let that go, of who is right/who is wrong ego type way of thinking). Try to put yourself in your spouses shoes, listen to one another. (Obviously the other spouse has to do the same thing.)

 

Humour, throw it in there to lighten things up, that's what I do sometimes, I'll fart.

 

We have a rule, never go to bed angry at each other.

[Silly_Girl]

We've not been together that long (coming up two years), but we don't argue. It's happened once or twice.

 

For us it's about perspective. We both feel privileged and grateful to have found our perfect partner in our mid-thirties when we both felt we may have missed the boat. We are very aware of why we love each other and how very lucky we are, in our relationship and in life in general. We feel very strongly that being together is the right thing for us, and getting married so quickly involved a lot of soul-searching and introspection.

 

So really, what can we each do to make the other so upset or angry that we actually fight when we are so well-suited? Neither of us cheats or lies. We discuss financial matters, we talk through parenting decisions and have similar outlooks politically.

 

If we annoy each other that is *all* it is. It sure isn't worth calling each other names, or losing out on time together.

 

I was in a violent relationship for 8 years, and we both fought. I could never go back to that, so I am now a talker. And I could never use insulting language as a means to convey my point or try to 'win' an argument; how very contradictory that is and I can't believe it used to happen in my life.

 

I'm very confrontational by nature, but I address the issues, not the person.

[Poppygoodwill]

I like Sillygirl's post, but it makes me think of a long relationship I had when we didn't ever fight either. And I realized after the fact, that was a problem (not saying it's a problem for Sillygirl :-) ). Issues were never truly aired. We talked about things, but rarely, in the long run, got to the root of things because we would derail before we got heated. It seemed more threatening to have an argument than to get to the honest truth of things. I'm sure that it contributed to our downfall, but then again, it might have happened faster if we had argued and through that honestly learned who the other person was.

 

For my marriage, I don't like arguing (clean fighting only though) but I find it sort of reassuring because at least things are on the table. I say this too being married to an Englishman who are famous for their reserve. Half the time they say one very polite thing and think another; it's in their DNA.

[Haydn]

aHHH, i love being a stereo-type. I am brit and i argue tooth and nail. So do most of my mates. Not in my DNA.

 

 

I like Sillygirl's post, but it makes me think of a long relationship I had when we didn't ever fight either. And I realized after the fact, that was a problem (not saying it's a problem for Sillygirl :-) ). Issues were never truly aired. We talked about things, but rarely, in the long run, got to the root of things because we would derail before we got heated. It seemed more threatening to have an argument than to get to the honest truth of things. I'm sure that it contributed to our downfall, but then again, it might have happened faster if we had argued and through that honestly learned who the other person was.

 

For my marriage, I don't like arguing (clean fighting only though) but I find it sort of reassuring because at least things are on the table. I say this too being married to an Englishman who are famous for their reserve. Half the time they say one very polite thing and think another; it's in their DNA.

[Haydn]

Grumps i hope you realise, you are my role model.

 

My wife and I were discussing this the other day. In the early years I remember a lot of crying by her and me carrying her around to get her to stop running away, taking the door off the hinges to our bedrooms because she would try to lock me out, me holding her really close to me hoping I wasn't crushing her because she was fighting me and she was so tiny, or her yelling until I couldn't think anymore. I went deaf, I am pretty sure of it. She cried, fell in the floor crying her eyes out and I had never see a nothing like it before. I grew up in a stoic non communicative family. My silence made her crazy.,

 

Then, we grew up and realized how much fun life was when we could argue like adults and p

lace some boundaries and have situational awareness. She got therapy for her child abuse and I learned that I couldn't keep carrying her around to stop her from leaving if that is what she had to do at the moment due to that abuse. I started going with her to therapy and support groups and learned why she did what she did and how to diffuse a situation or trigger.

We stopped thinking about I and me and started thinking of us and we.

 

When we felt our tempers rise we would take a few moments out, especially her because she has a temper like nobody I had ever known before. I had to stop retreating so far inside myself that I wouldn't talk at all, and she had to stop talking because she could convince the sun to come out at night if she had the desire. I learned to know when it was our problem or when it was a childhood problem. I learned how to relax into the situation and open my arms and let her come into them even if she was furious at me. Not easy when I was sure I was right most of the time but I wanted to be happy and more importantly, I wanted her to be happy. From this, she learned to trust that I wasn't going to leave and I wasn't ever going to hurt her. I learned that being macho and right was nothing compared to being loved and admired. I still stood for what I believed in but by that time we both had morphed into believing a lot of the same things, except she is a bleeding heart and I think people shouldn't be handed anything for free.

 

We all come into relationships with scars and baggage so we have to figure out the best way to move through it without hurting the other person. Learning to fight well is really learning how to say how can we compromise and come to a satisfying conclusions without tears or drama. We made concrete rules for the kids and they adhered to them for the most part. I learned a lot of things from the military and honestly made it into a lifestyle for them without the rigidity. They knew what was expected and we made sure that they felt valued and loved regardless of any of the outcomes. However, they had expectations and they could decide how they got to where they needed to go, but they had to get there on their own. She babied them and I molded them. Worked out well.

 

We have been married for so long now that she will say, I am angry about this and that and I will say best outcome for you possible and she will say this on Tuesday and that on Thursday and I will say this on Wednesday and that is something I will not touch with a ten foot pole. We shake on it and that's about it nowadays.

 

We still passionately argue politics and have heated discussions about strategic battles ...if Attila fought Napoleon, who would win? And there are no shortcuts, details and battle sequences have to be possible and shown on a map. If Magellan had never sailed what would be the economic consequences or if Poe had lived what would be his further contributions to literary circles? We have even argued the relationships of the Beatles and which ones were the best ones for their music. All in fun, of course.

 

It really is about knowing each other's expectations and knowing how to compromise so that both of you feel satisfied. The groundwork has to be laid way before the fights start and it takes a few times before you actually figure out what the fights are going to be about. I couldn't believe how strict she was about the kids grades but bedtimes weren't even on her radar.....

G

[Silly_Girl]

I like Sillygirl's post, but it makes me think of a long relationship I had when we didn't ever fight either. And I realized after the fact, that was a problem (not saying it's a problem for Sillygirl :-) ). Issues were never truly aired. We talked about things, but rarely, in the long run, got to the root of things because we would derail before we got heated. It seemed more threatening to have an argument than to get to the honest truth of things. I'm sure that it contributed to our downfall, but then again, it might have happened faster if we had argued and through that honestly learned who the other person was.

 

For my marriage, I don't like arguing (clean fighting only though) but I find it sort of reassuring because at least things are on the table. I say this too being married to an Englishman who are famous for their reserve. Half the time they say one very polite thing and think another; it's in their DNA.

 

Ha! I have seen this in other relationships, and it's a worry. Or much worse . I knew that dynamic would drive me crazy. I tend to be an 'over-communicator', so it's not that we don't get to the bottom of things, or address them (in fact the opposite), it's more that we logically come to a conclusion we both accept even if it's not the desired one for (one of) us.

[d0nnivain]

No name calling, don't cross that line.

 

I am a huge believer in the power of words. I once got over an EX by calling him D*ckHead. A friend told me that was rude & that I should call him Richard Cranium in public. It helped.

 

 

Because of that, I came up with a "silly" name which is the only insult I'll hurl even in the middle of a fight. The name I call my husband when I'm upset is "Big Meanie" or if I'm really mad, "Big Fat Meanie." Both are so absurd that they don't hurt him but I get my verbal release & he knows it's a signal to back off. This is very effective for those fights that aren't really about the subject of the fight -- like who's turn it was to do the dishes or the laundry -- which is really usually about I don't feel loved & appreciated.

 

 

Sometimes couples can develop their own shorthand

[cocorico]

We don't argue.

 

That said, we are both aware of our own moodiness, and its potential to upset the other. I tend to withdraw, he tends to snap. If he snaps, I recognise it for what it is, and don't take it personally. I'll draw his attention to his mood, he'll step back, reflect, apologise, and we'll move on. If I withdraw, he'll ask me if I want space, I'll respond and we'll take it from there.

 

If issues arise, we discuss them. We both know the risks of allowing a R to falter, and we both recognise how lucky we are to have each other, so we take care of our R.