nescafe1982 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 So some recent posts here (including one of my own) and the experiences of a close friend have me thinking a lot recently about exes. Not any particular ex, really... but mostly about the impulse people feel to become friends, or at least be friendly, with their exes. I know that letting go of resentments towards and ex is a critical step in moving on from a broken relationship... but seriously, what is the point of being friends with an ex? Why do some people feel such a strong impulse to hold onto a friendship with an ex? Go out of their way to make a friendship happen? Put up with some of the same abusive patterns or toxicity to stay on speaking terms? I have a friend right now who still lives with here ex. They share a house with two additional roommates. They broke up six months ago. As you can imagine, it's going horribly, but until very recently, she was convinced that in time they would move past all the hurt and toxicity and go back to being friends. A fool's errand. Anyway, I have to admit I've never stay close with an ex of mine. I don't have many of them, and the couple I do have ended badly. I do stay in touch with a couple men I dated, but no one I was in an honest-to-goodness romantic relationship with. And I don't see the merit in it. So it's been a non-issue for me. But I wonder if someone could clue me in on what makes people want to struggle to create a friendship with someone after the romantic relationship has failed? Is it about proving something to ourselves? Is it about keeping mutual friends? About "winning the breakup"? And can a valuable friendship happen without significant hurt and heartache (my inclination is that it can happen, but that it usually doesn't).
Els Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 For me, it was about just not burning bridges. All of my breakups were pretty mutual and amiable, and the Rs started off as friends to begin with, so there was no reason not to go back to friendship after it was over. But, there are limits. Living with an ex would be a HUGE no-no for me. So would constant contact and other things that I've read about here. Nor would I 'go out of my way' to make a friendship happen. 1
ASG Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 My staying friends with exes happened pretty naturally. We just naturally kept in touch after the break up. Not constant contact, but a catch up chat here and there, or going for coffee. I lived with an ex after break up as well. Funny thing is, we didn't live together while we were dating. But I was giving up my apartment to go work on ships and he offered to store my stuff at his place and become my official address, until I came back. It also meant I would crash there whenever I was in town, which was about a week every 3 months. I then came back, got my own place and mvoed out of his. To be honest, it was a bit too soon after the break up and I could have done with a bit less contact with him. Nowadays we chat every couple of months and get together whenever he's in town (he's moved abroad for work). No big deal. Today I had a chat with an ex of 16 years!
Allumere Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 It's a personal decision, not for everyone, has a lot to do with the causes and drama of breakup, and passage of time.
angel.eyes Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I remain friends with most exes because we share a lot of common interests and have tremendous respect for each other. They were really great guys, but eventually we realized we weren't compatible in some way. No rancorous breakups, so it's easy, especially since we were generally friends first and continue to move in the same social and professional circles after the breakup. With my next to last ex, we both love adventure and travel to remote locations. He was my travel buddy until recently. My boyfriend was fine with it for the longest time, since he had zero interest in trekking through Myanmar, jumping off bridges, or any of the other random things I love to do for vacation. For him that would be sheer torture. Since I was going off the beaten path, he liked that I was traveling with a guy rather than another woman, that is until he saw some photos of my ex. He hasn't said anything, but he's clearly very disturbed now that he's seen him. So I need to find someone else or travel solo.
MissBee Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) So some recent posts here (including one of my own) and the experiences of a close friend have me thinking a lot recently about exes. Not any particular ex, really... but mostly about the impulse people feel to become friends, or at least be friendly, with their exes. I know that letting go of resentments towards and ex is a critical step in moving on from a broken relationship... but seriously, what is the point of being friends with an ex? Why do some people feel such a strong impulse to hold onto a friendship with an ex? Go out of their way to make a friendship happen? Put up with some of the same abusive patterns or toxicity to stay on speaking terms? I have a friend right now who still lives with here ex. They share a house with two additional roommates. They broke up six months ago. As you can imagine, it's going horribly, but until very recently, she was convinced that in time they would move past all the hurt and toxicity and go back to being friends. A fool's errand. Anyway, I have to admit I've never stay close with an ex of mine. I don't have many of them, and the couple I do have ended badly. I do stay in touch with a couple men I dated, but no one I was in an honest-to-goodness romantic relationship with. And I don't see the merit in it. So it's been a non-issue for me. But I wonder if someone could clue me in on what makes people want to struggle to create a friendship with someone after the romantic relationship has failed? Is it about proving something to ourselves? Is it about keeping mutual friends? About "winning the breakup"? And can a valuable friendship happen without significant hurt and heartache (my inclination is that it can happen, but that it usually doesn't). I think for a lot of people it is a reflex in the beginning where they are used to this person and find it difficult and painful to imagine a life without them in some shape or form so it seems innocent and ideal to move from romantic partners to friends...it's the same kind of reflex that makes most people rail against NC as it seems painful and foreign. However, many learn after trying that sometimes it simply isn't the best thing. I have been guilty of trying the friends thing for that reason but for me, now, I don't push it. If we're meant to be friends it will happen organically, but in my own experience with time most times we simply grow distant and are not actually true friends in any sense of the word. Maybe I will send them a message every now and again or like a picture of theirs on social media or something but we do not hang out or have phone conversations and aren't genuinely involved in their lives. Like you, I am a bit friendlier with men that I dated but wasn't in an actual relationship with than I am with a legitimate ex. If it happens naturally it's one thing, and even so, there needs to be some boundary as I have a friend who has a harem of exes where she never truly lets an ex go and in some ways is still in emotional relationships with all of them. But when people force it or really go out of the way to be buddy-buddies with an ex, I find it odd. Also, any current relationship I have trumps my ex-friendship, and I wouldn't put my SO in an awkward position by being too close with an ex. Edited January 17, 2014 by MissBee 1
gaius Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I only have one ex I'm in contact with at all and that's because on some level I still want her.
hotpotato Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I've been friends with my ex for 4 years plus we were together 3 years. We are 7 years strong. He even invited me to his house which is cross country from me. We had a few months of nc. We are still friends because we enjoy each others company. I could call him tonight and talk for an hour or two. He cheated on me. We broke up. I forgave him enough to be his friend but not to take him back. Funny thing is he is having some of the same issues with her as he did with me. I've also had the same issues with other guys as I had with him. 1
salparadise Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I'm pondering the same questions. I was pretty invested in a long-distance relationship that she ended over a year ago. It was a difficult time. There were no blowups or anything––she said she just couldn't continue and offered an assortment of thin excuses, so I still don't fully understand. Anyway, we ended by both saying that we'd always have special regard for each other. We went a few months with no contact and then talked on the phone, which was emotional for us both. Since then she has wanted to talk once a month. We skipped December, the month of the breakup a year prior. She texted me a couple of days ago wanting to talk again. It's always her initiating. She sends occasional texts or emails that I often don't respond to (unless it is a direct question or response required). Apparently it's easier for her to separate the friendship from the romantic feelings than it is for me, yet she still cries at times when we're talking. It was the most intimate, affectionate relationship I've ever had, but I try to put it in the past and out of my mind. I wonder why she tries so hard to hold onto the connection if she doesn't want me. I probably should end all contact but on some level I don't want to either. I still think of her affectionately and also harbor a small bit of resentment. It is a bit of a consolation that she seems unable or unwilling to let go completely. I don't really understand it. 1
Author nescafe1982 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I'm pondering the same questions. I was pretty invested in a long-distance relationship that she ended over a year ago. It was a difficult time. <snip> I wonder why she tries so hard to hold onto the connection if she doesn't want me. I probably should end all contact but on some level I don't want to either. I still think of her affectionately and also harbor a small bit of resentment. It is a bit of a consolation that she seems unable or unwilling to let go completely. I don't really understand it. This sounds a bit like my last (and most significant) relationship. The last year was long-distance (I was doing dissertation research abroad, he moved back to his hometown). He started a new relationship with someone while we were still "together;" they were four months deep before I got suspicious. That is why I'm completely NC with him. But for a period of time after the breakup (before I instituted NC), he seemed obsessed with trying to make me his friend. Which was incredibly painful for me, because it demonstrated just how much more "invested" I was into the relationship than he was. And I think on some level he was trying to absolve himself of some of the guilt he felt for doing what he did. And that seemed even more manipulative the more I thought about it. Thanks to all respondents. Keep 'em coming! I'm coming to realize that my own experiences with post-breakup stuff are sort of different than a lot of folks. And I think it's a good thing to be reminded of: people are different, our experiences are unique.
sugarpea Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 So some recent posts here (including one of my own) and the experiences of a close friend have me thinking a lot recently about exes. Not any particular ex, really... but mostly about the impulse people feel to become friends, or at least be friendly, with their exes. I know that letting go of resentments towards and ex is a critical step in moving on from a broken relationship... but seriously, what is the point of being friends with an ex? Why do some people feel such a strong impulse to hold onto a friendship with an ex? Go out of their way to make a friendship happen? Put up with some of the same abusive patterns or toxicity to stay on speaking terms? I have a friend right now who still lives with here ex. They share a house with two additional roommates. They broke up six months ago. As you can imagine, it's going horribly, but until very recently, she was convinced that in time they would move past all the hurt and toxicity and go back to being friends. A fool's errand. Anyway, I have to admit I've never stay close with an ex of mine. I don't have many of them, and the couple I do have ended badly. I do stay in touch with a couple men I dated, but no one I was in an honest-to-goodness romantic relationship with. And I don't see the merit in it. So it's been a non-issue for me. But I wonder if someone could clue me in on what makes people want to struggle to create a friendship with someone after the romantic relationship has failed? Is it about proving something to ourselves? Is it about keeping mutual friends? About "winning the breakup"? And can a valuable friendship happen without significant hurt and heartache (my inclination is that it can happen, but that it usually doesn't). I think it's not really any of the points you have highlighted. It's because they made an impression in your life. I was with my now ex for 6 years. I mean sure he wasn't an amazing boyfriend but it doesn't make him a bad person. He could be an amazing friend. I don't know. Also I still love and care about him (at the moment this is less intense and starting to be more in a friendship kind of way) and he loves and cares about me a lot (but as a friend) and I guess it is difficult and I'm not trying to force it although he seems to try to. He said he missed me being in his life an us being friends. At times the end of a relationship is like a death. I mean if you could, wanted to and were able to wouldn't you want to hold on?
hotpotato Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 This sounds a bit like my last (and most significant) relationship. The last year was long-distance (I was doing dissertation research abroad, he moved back to his hometown). He started a new relationship with someone while we were still "together;" they were four months deep before I got suspicious. That is why I'm completely NC with him. But for a period of time after the breakup (before I instituted NC), he seemed obsessed with trying to make me his friend. Which was incredibly painful for me, because it demonstrated just how much more "invested" I was into the relationship than he was. And I think on some level he was trying to absolve himself of some of the guilt he felt for doing what he did. And that seemed even more manipulative the more I thought about it. Thanks to all respondents. Keep 'em coming! I'm coming to realize that my own experiences with post-breakup stuff are sort of different than a lot of folks. And I think it's a good thing to be reminded of: people are different, our experiences are unique. I love how they want to be friends while they are dating the person they left you for. How classless. The last ex was dating the other girl and i at the same time for at least a few weeks. We were long distance, but he dumped me for another girl in my state. He dropped one ldr to be in another. Of course, he wanted to be friends. How about no! They think we will put up with all they're antics because they think we want them so much. The ex who is my friend came back and asked for forgiveness. Otherwise, we would not be friends.
isisisweeping Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I liked them enough to date; they have good qualities I'd enjoy in a friend even if we don't work. 1
hippetyhop Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I'm friends with my ex as he's one of my best friends, and he actually gives darn good relationship advice. it always doesn't turn out like that, but I'm thankful to have him as a friend.
Bluefin12 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 soccerrprp replied to my post about this and had a good point which I agree with... unless logistical and unavoidable, like (unfortunately) still living together due to a lease, or having kids together, there really is no good reason to keep in contact. What would be the purpose? I think that if you want friendship, go out and meet new people who who haven't been involved with romantically. 1
Bluefin12 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 We're not talking about like burning all your pictures or trinkets or anything either. Those are memories of your past and, while they shouldn't be displayed around the house, it's not like they need to be destroyed. I'm just advocating against about maintaining a friendship. When you NEED to be in contact with them, everything should ideally be civil (given that there wasn't a great deal of drama surrounding the split). But beyond necessity, let the past go.
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