ladydesigner Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Another poster here prompted me to start a thread so I hope it brings with it good discussion and hopefully insight to anyone struggling. My perspective has changed many times over the years in regards to A's. My first real experience with one was the discovery of my mother's A when I was 9, at which I also learned that it was also the way my parents met. They were both exit A's. Affairs ran rampant through my father's side of the family. It seemed to be the 'norm'. As I grew up I was very against A's because of what I had experienced in my own family. I had boyfriends that cheated on me and yet I still held to my belief that I did not agree with A's that is until I had my own. My WH had his first A after our daughter was born, it was at this time that I embarked on my own A (RA). I did not have any coping skills at that time or for much of my life as I am learning about myself. I was so angered by my WH cheating that when my co-worker started flirting with me I didn't hold back. I knew what I was getting into and went ahead anyways. Some of my justifications were my WH had an A why can't I, my mother had A's so it must be okay, I deserved to feel good, I won't let it get out of control, it won't become an emotional A, etc. When I started the A it was exciting at first as everyone says, 'we had a connection' like any connection you would have with a friend. As it progressed feelings grew on both sides and both of us did not expect that. I constantly felt on edge and anxious. The way that I felt toward my WH was awful I had totally disconnected from him. When xOM ended the A I felt the excruciating pain everyone speaks of, but years later realized I spent more time grieving a person I created in my mind. When I look back it is such a blessing to me the A ended. I was in love with the idea of xOM not xOM. The worst of the feelings after the A was over was the rejection and feeling like I had been used. The reality was we had both just used each other as ego strokes. With my WH's last A I now knew what it felt like to be in an A and my WH now felt this way toward MOW. I confessed my A immediately to him as I did not want anymore lies in our M. The lies continued until his A ended. We had lots of starts and stops after Dday. The pain that my WH put me through post Dday I will never forget. It would have been easier if he just up and left. Being put through false r and realizing that I was not #1 really did a number on me and my mental stability. His A almost killed me. I almost killed myself. The pain was enormous. I can understand a lot of different perspectives on LS from the OW/OM to the WS to the BS but one thing remains the same is the pain felt during or after an A is abusive and not healthy and has since prompted me to get educated on A's and help from therapists to become a stronger person with healthier boundaries and coping skills. It's been quite a journey for me, one with many lessons along the way. It's interesting how perspective can change. 5
WasOtherWoman Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Interesting topic! My perspective regarding affairs has never changed, I have always thought they were wrong and I still do. That said, despite having been a BS many years ago, I still became an OW.. all the while still believing that affairs are wrong. Hypocritical, much? I thought affairs were wrong while i was actually in one, yet selfishly I engaged. Amazing what one can justify to themself 3
MuddyFootprints Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I worked in a small office during the early years of my marriage. All the women were reading and raving about the book Bridges of Madison County, so I put it on my reading list. I wanted to throw that damn book into a fire several times. I did not understand the mentality at all! Several years later I created my own fantasy and made choices that were wrong for me and my family. I have judged therefore accept that I will be judged. I think one of the best things I have learned is that we all choose our path in order to learn what we need to know and that I need to be empathetic regardless of those choices. Who knows what our future circumstances will have in our human thought process. 1
yellowmaverick Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 LD - Your story is sad. When you are surrounded by infidelity, I would imagine that it is very difficult to understand boundaries. I can relate to your situation because my WH's affair hurt me very much as well. I wanted so much to be retaliate so he would know how I felt and to just be able to feel connected to someone else. But when the opportunity arose, I just couldn't do it. [i was out to dinner with friends and a nice-looking guy approached me and asked me out - I no longer wear a wedding ring, so he assumed that I was single]. I am glad for your post because I have often wondered if having my own affair would help me heal. I have never been even close to doing it, but it scares me that I even think about it after my H's affair. I hope that you can heal, LD. 2
Learningtoletgo Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 It is crazy how perspective changes. Before my affair, I actually thought that affairs were " no big deal". Because of all of the movies, tv shows, books (like bridges of Madison) etc. and the way that media portrays affairs, I thought they were something you could do and walk away from with minimal pain. Also, I had a few friends that had affairs and for whatever reason, they never shared with me their pain (if they had any) So, I was the type who never judged people who had affairs. I never tried to talk my friends out of affairs. My mother also had an affair on my father and she never really revealed her pain to me, neither did my father. She ended up divorcing my dad because of the OM, but I always thought it was for the better because my dad and mom are such different people that I could never imagine that they could have worked out. Looking back though, with what I know now, that was warped thinking on my part. Maybe they could have been together if my mom didn't hurt him so much. I'm not saying all this to justify my behavior, and that I was naive and didn't know it was wrong. I knew society deemed it as wrong but I felt like, "yeah, but a lot of other people do it, why not me?" And " it will just be one time, no big deal" Boy, was I wrong. About EVERYTHING Now, after ending an affair, and even more from reading about affairs (for hours and hours) I will never minimize affairs again. They hurt everyone involved, more than I ever imagined. So, my point of view has changed so much. Sometimes, when I'm down on myself, I think that maybe I had to make all of the horrible decisions that I made to arrive at this place. Being faithful is something that I didn't value, for reasons that I'm exploring in IC. Now, at least I recognize my thinking is flawed when it comes to what it means to truly love someone (including loving myself). I don't think I really know how to do either. One way I HAVENT changed, though, is that I have never and will never judge anyone for their affairs. I am a firm believer that You don't know someone until you have walked in their shoes. I do not think that people who have affairs are bad people, just broken. Now that I have this new point of view, I'm working on healing my broken parts and truly loving my family. 2
cocorico Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I've never thought As were a big deal and I still don't.
ComingInHot Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 LadyD, Thank you for sharing this! You had mentioned in a post that you don't condone your friends having A's. How do you speak to them when the A topic comes up? Do you share your experience with them? Is there backlash? Do you decide they are no longer "friend" material? 1
Author ladydesigner Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 LadyD, Thank you for sharing this! You had mentioned in a post that you don't condone your friends having A's. How do you speak to them when the A topic comes up? All of my friends know about my A and my WH's A's and I usually share my knowledge from books as well as from my personal experience and therapy. My answers are never pro-A. I see A's as destructive, any way you look at them. If someone is getting hurt because of them then logically I do not think they are a good thing. I do not agree if they are in an A or if they say something pro A. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. Do you share your experience with them? Yes absolutely Is there backlash? Both I and my WH have lost a few friends because of both of our A's in the past Do you decide they are no longer "friend" material? I am still friends with one (she has since stopped her A, had a Dday of her own) but is not a friend whose ideas and thoughts that I think highly of. One other friend I had to stop speaking to as her situation reminded me of my own too much and triggered me often. Answers in bold 2
Author ladydesigner Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I've never thought As were a big deal and I still don't. I guess you are one of the lucky one's then. I didn't think mine was a big deal either until I got hurt and hurt my family. My family will never be the same but my WH and I are working towards a better future, hopefully:o. I respect your opinion though, I think everything is relative. What one might see as a big deal, others may not, and vice versa. Almost like when A's are compared to death and abuse. I guess our perception and how it affects each of us is different.
Bittersweetie Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I was in love with the idea of xOM not xOM. Thank you for sharing your story LD. The above statement resonated with me. I realized later that I took the pieces that xOM gave me and put them together into the picture I wanted...not the picture of him at all. And that's what made it so special and addicting...because I was attached to a fantasy and not a real person. Best of luck to you moving forward!
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I can't add anything else LD - you speak truth - and it's painful even now to read.
ComingInHot Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 LadyD, I have to thank you again for this thread. I had a VERY dear friend who engaged in an A and if it hadn't been for posters like you, I wouldn't have done right by her OR me out of my own insecurity. You confirmed having been an OW yourself that decent people make poor decisions BUT learn from them and that means the world to me. That and you and Your H are doing what it takes. CIH*
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