suspecting that my wife cheated 15 years ago

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for your answer, I agree you have a point, but still ... I'm suspecting my wife for years, and the opportunity for this affair is several months old, and I have had many opportunities before, never took advantage ... so I believe, it's not getting old, wanting sex diversity behind it ....

 

The first things I read all over your post was you cheating or wanting desperately to

 

You reek of it.

 

My father did this to my mother while he pursued his mistress.

 

You aren't being honest with your wife (whether or not she is being honest with you).

 

Frankly, you sound like you want to know if you "still got it." You mention your attractiveness. How you had these "can't miss" opportunities and your wife was a virgin (so no comparison).

 

I have no problem calling out women cheaters. If she is, she buried it well. Better than 97% of cheaters. Which would be impressive given her lack of outside experience.

 

Dude. You better clear this or your insecurities and impending mid-life are going to kneecap you in a big way.

[KMA]

KMA, I just re-read your opening post. When I got to the part about how fantastic your sex life is now with your wife, I couldn't help but think, "My God, what's he worried about?" This sounds a little crude, and for that I do apologize, but just for the sake of argument let's say that she did have an affair with this other guy. It's possible he awoke in her this overwhelming, RAGING desire she has for YOU. If it's true, then, man, count your blessings. She could have divorced you, if he was so fantastic, and stayed here, but she didn't. She chose to come to you, and she's stayed with you, and she's made your life wonderful. Never forget: SHE PICKED YOU! Love her. Treasure her. It's more likely that she couldn't stand being away from you any longer, and just had to join you in the new place with NO affair to kickstart her sex drive. Nine months without you could have caused her desire for sex with you to increase. I don't actually see any evidence in anything you said that she has betrayed you. Let it go, my friend, before you make her regret her decision. And good luck to both of you in the future.

 

Thanks! Really nicely said! And really helpful, I don't have such a close friend in life to share and talk to in the way you wrote in your post ...

[pteromom]

There is also another thing, my wife has behaved during all our life together as being above any possible suspicion of cheating (when discussing other couples) and quite jealous ... (in cases when she has thought I am flirting with other women in her presence, which I certainly haven't seen it this way).... it would be such a BIG SURPRISE if she is not so clean as she pretends ...

 

There are two options here.

 

It could be that she is truly disgusted by cheating. That she finds the entire idea repulsive and would never do it.

 

Or - it could be that she is jealous and suspicious because she knows what she herself is capable of, so she projects that onto you.

 

But it isn't difficult to tell which it is in a long term relationship.

 

Is she an honest person?

Does she value truth?

Do her actions line up with her words?

Do her actions line up with her supposed values?

Does she treat other people honestly - friends, family, service people, stores, etc?

 

If yes, then it is very likely that she is honest with you as well. People will show you who they are if you pay attention.

 

It would be very unlikely that she has very high character in every area except being faithful in a marriage.

 

That doesn't mean that it is not possible that she made a mistake 15 years ago. But in the long run, is that worth all this obsession? You have a good marriage to a loving and sexy woman who fulfills your needs.

 

It's like sitting in a field of beautiful flowers poking a beehive with a stick. Just enjoy the flowers!

[thummper]

Thanks! Really nicely said! And really helpful, I don't have such a close friend in life to share and talk to in the way you wrote in your post ...

 

 

Glad that I helped ease your mind. Enjoy each other as much as you can. Life is short.

 

Thummper

[road]

There is also another thing, my wife has behaved during all our life together as being above any possible suspicion of cheating (when discussing other couples) and quite jealous ... (in cases when she has thought I am flirting with other women in her presence, which I certainly haven't seen it this way).... it would be such a BIG SURPRISE if she is not so clean as she pretends ...

 

 

 

Many a WW during and post affair become super sensitive and alert to her BH stepping out on his own.

 

 

Another clue that your wife is a WW.

[road]

That doesn't mean that it is not possible that she made a mistake 15 years ago. But in the long run, is that worth all this obsession?

 

 

 

It is normal for most BH to never be able to leave what happened in the past until they fully know what happened.

 

 

As said the gut is always right.

[KMA]

The first things I read all over your post was you cheating or wanting desperately to

 

You reek of it.

 

My father did this to my mother while he pursued his mistress.

 

You aren't being honest with your wife (whether or not she is being honest with you).

 

Frankly, you sound like you want to know if you "still got it." You mention your attractiveness. How you had these "can't miss" opportunities and your wife was a virgin (so no comparison).

 

I have no problem calling out women cheaters. If she is, she buried it well. Better than 97% of cheaters. Which would be impressive given her lack of outside experience.

 

Dude. You better clear this or your insecurities and impending mid-life are going to kneecap you in a big way.

 

 

Thanks for the answer; about me trying to justify future cheating, I don't think you are right. I have had hundreds of opportunities for 19 y., never thought seriously of cheating since I'm still in love with my wife (which I suppose is pretty rare...)

I also don't think I'll cheat now, simply don't feel that this would satisfy me.

I want to know if my wife was honest 15 y. ago, If I cheat now, it will not answer the question, it's useless and possibly painful for me... I'm not a guy collecting numbers (of real or imagined affairs)... however, if I find she cheated, I'll take every and any single opportunity to cheat in the future, and this without any remorse, I'll not divorce her (at least by my initiative) nor stop loving her, but that's it...

 

About the middle-age, yes I'm 43 (possibly, you still could mistake me with a 33 y. old, and I nearly feel 33 ), problem is that with the age you start to be less a believer and more a doubter :-)

[sidney2718]

Thanks for the answer; about me trying to justify future cheating, I don't think you are right. I have had hundreds of opportunities for 19 y., never thought seriously of cheating since I'm still in love with my wife (which I suppose is pretty rare...)

 

I also don't think I'll cheat now, simply don't feel that this would satisfy me.

I want to know if my wife was honest 15 y. ago, If I cheat now, it will not answer the question, it's useless and possibly painful for me... I'm not a guy collecting numbers (of real or imagined affairs)... however, if I find she cheated, I'll take every and any single opportunity to cheat in the future, and this without any remorse, I'll not divorce her (at least by my initiative) nor stop loving her, but that's it...

 

About the middle-age, yes I'm 43 (possibly, you still could mistake me with a 33 y. old, and I nearly feel 33 ), problem is that with the age you start to be less a believer and more a doubter :-)

 

This is very upsetting. You have no right to question your wife about something that may or may not have happened many years ago. In fact, if you want to be salacious about it, if she did cheat and if he did open her to all sorts of "new" sexual experiences, you owe him thanks and gratitude because YOU are the one who benefited from it.

 

More: why are you looking for an excuse to cheat on your wife? As you say:

if I find she cheated, I'll take every and any single opportunity to cheat in the future, and this without any remorse

This is a horrible attitude. You yourself admit that your marriage was in trouble in those early years. In fact you seem willing to take much of the blame for that. But you've had a loyal and true wife after that. So why are you obsessing about it?

 

If you want to have an affair, do the decent thing. Offer your wife a divorce and tell her why, INCLUDING the fact that you want to have an affair. Take the consequences for blowing up what has mostly been an excellent marriage.

 

One last thing. Get help. See a counselor ASAP.

[ZMM]

problem is that with the age you start to be less a believer and more a doubter :-)

 

I don't think that is true at all. I think you are a special case.

[HermioneG]

If you have truly had hundreds of opportunities over the years, I think you need to take a long and hard look at both your boundaries, and the way you approach women who are not your wife.

 

You must be sending off some sort of signal.

 

As for your wife- to me? It reads as if you are looking for a way to rewrite history, to justify beginning to take advantage of some of the "hundreds" of opportunities you have faced.

 

You should get some individual counseling to figure out why you are viewing it this way. It's not a normal view.

[KMA]

There are two options here.

 

It could be that she is truly disgusted by cheating. That she finds the entire idea repulsive and would never do it.

 

Or - it could be that she is jealous and suspicious because she knows what she herself is capable of, so she projects that onto you.

 

But it isn't difficult to tell which it is in a long term relationship.

 

Is she an honest person?

Does she value truth?

Do her actions line up with her words?

Do her actions line up with her supposed values?

Does she treat other people honestly - friends, family, service people, stores, etc?

 

If yes, then it is very likely that she is honest with you as well. People will show you who they are if you pay attention.

 

It would be very unlikely that she has very high character in every area except being faithful in a marriage.

 

That doesn't mean that it is not possible that she made a mistake 15 years ago. But in the long run, is that worth all this obsession? You have a good marriage to a loving and sexy woman who fulfills your needs.

 

It's like sitting in a field of beautiful flowers poking a beehive with a stick. Just enjoy the flowers!

 

pteromom, you are extremely intelligent and, again, what you say comes quite close to my line of thoughts...

 

Let me briefly acknowledge your point.

 

For 20 y. together and 19 y. marriage, my wife is known to be honest and a woman of principles, nearly always and in every domain, probably even too much to be true.

 

She is always ready to express unpopular opinions when she thinks they are the right ones, or to defend the weak.

 

Even sometimes to the point of becoming too rigid/inflexible when flexibility is necessary to move on.

 

However, there have been 3 exceptions:

 

1. The most drastic one: 3 y. ago she has been a leader of an evaluation panel concerning her colleague (don't ask me about conflict of interests). She (admittedly) twisted info, flexed the process, practically intimidated other members of the panel (also her colleagues but lower in the hierarchy and thus susceptive of influence) and pushed thing to a disastrous result for the guy's career (he never recovered professionally and economically).

 

This is not my private opinion but what my wife shared with me (we are professionally close and share nearly everything), she had some remorses, but said the guy was a bad competitor, and that it was or him or her (i don't agree), and that the jungle principle applies (I agree even less, never told her so directly, but expressed serious concern).

 

To say that I was shaken and appalled would be to underestimate my feelings.

If somebody would tell me this story about my wife I'd never believe it, not once in a billion years in billion different universes.

 

I am not known as guy of so rock MUCH solid principles AS my wife, but I could not imagine myself doing such thing, especially when unprovoked, and then happily go to sleep.

 

2. Once (7 y. ago), my wife lied about a financial issue (a very considerable amount) in order to protect (the pride of) her mum. Her parents separated when she was 3 y. old, she lived with her mother (a very conservative woman). She never apologized for this lie, I left the things as they were, not bothering her more about that (I don't depend on this money, and don't like to fight with my partner about money).

 

3. 8 y. ago, there was a guy who liked her very much (again a colleague) and was pressing very much for her attention. I knew about that, but it was calm, I knew the guy was not her "type", she was not really interested.

There was a conference abroad she was attending, I asked if the guy was going too, she said that he was not. (I was not concerned that she would want to cheat, just thinking about her comfort and security). I checked with the hotel, he was there. When she came back, I asked, was he there? Answer was "No, not at all". I told her I knew, she never fell on her back, saying that she lied just not to upset me, and protested that I investigated her. Again, no scandal, no fight, case friendly closed.

 

No concerns, again, I'm sure she never would have done anything with this guy, the problem is that she lied with elegance and spontaneity, and at the end I was the culprit.

 

So, pteromom, what do you think in the context of your last post.

Is my wife who is 99.9% of her time a happy combination of Mother Theresa and Jean d'Ark capable of cheating JUST once, ONLY once.... certainly not more than once.

[Fluttershy]

Many a WW during and post affair become super sensitive and alert to her BH stepping out on his own.

 

 

Another clue that your wife is a WW.

 

Women also can be sensitive when their H is so apparently cofident about their looks and ability to attract women that it borders on arrogance. Combined with his sexual experience and her inexperience... Sensitivity is not a sign of being a wayward. Some have it some don't. Some people are paranoid by nature. And some people Put up with arrogent spouses who love that they turn the heads o the opposite sex.

[Fluttershy]

 

 

As said the gut is always right.

This is such an untrue statment that has got many a person in trouble. The gut is always right and never lies unless of course it does which is a lot but then "it wasn't your gut"

 

Many people have been falsly accused by the gut.

[janedoe67]

Many a WW during and post affair become super sensitive and alert to her BH stepping out on his own.

 

 

Another clue that your wife is a WW.

 

How is this a clue???????????????????

[janedoe67]

Many a WW during and post affair become super sensitive and alert to her BH stepping out on his own.

 

 

Another clue that your wife is a WW.

 

How is this a clue???????????????????

And no, the gut is NOT always right. Good Lord

[ZMM]

Quote:

Originally Posted by road

Many a WW during and post affair become super sensitive and alert to her BH stepping out on his own.

 

 

Another clue that your wife is a WW.

 

Women also can be sensitive when their H is so apparently cofident about their looks and ability to attract women that it borders on arrogance. Combined with his sexual experience and her inexperience... Sensitivity is not a sign of being a wayward. Some have it some don't. Some people are paranoid by nature. And some people Put up with arrogent spouses who love that they turn the heads o the opposite sex.

 

Maybe the W is following road's logic and because KMA is acting 'sensitive' or paranoid, she thinks he is a WH. Then, since she thinks he is a WH, she acts 'sensitive' or paranoid, which by road's logic justifies KMA's suspicions. This can go round and round.

 

[road]

pteromom, you are extremely intelligent and, again, what you say comes quite close to my line of thoughts...

 

Let me briefly acknowledge your point.

 

For 20 y. together and 19 y. marriage, my wife is known to be honest and a woman of principles, nearly always and in every domain, probably even too much to be true.

 

She is always ready to express unpopular opinions when she thinks they are the right ones, or to defend the weak.

 

Even sometimes to the point of becoming too rigid/inflexible when flexibility is necessary to move on.

 

However, there have been 3 exceptions:

 

1. The most drastic one: 3 y. ago she has been a leader of an evaluation panel concerning her colleague (don't ask me about conflict of interests). She (admittedly) twisted info, flexed the process, practically intimidated other members of the panel (also her colleagues but lower in the hierarchy and thus susceptive of influence) and pushed thing to a disastrous result for the guy's career (he never recovered professionally and economically).

 

This is not my private opinion but what my wife shared with me (we are professionally close and share nearly everything), she had some remorses, but said the guy was a bad competitor, and that it was or him or her (i don't agree), and that the jungle principle applies (I agree even less, never told her so directly, but expressed serious concern).

 

To say that I was shaken and appalled would be to underestimate my feelings.

If somebody would tell me this story about my wife I'd never believe it, not once in a billion years in billion different universes.

 

I am not known as guy of so rock MUCH solid principles AS my wife, but I could not imagine myself doing such thing, especially when unprovoked, and then happily go to sleep.

 

2. Once (7 y. ago), my wife lied about a financial issue (a very considerable amount) in order to protect (the pride of) her mum. Her parents separated when she was 3 y. old, she lived with her mother (a very conservative woman). She never apologized for this lie, I left the things as they were, not bothering her more about that (I don't depend on this money, and don't like to fight with my partner about money).

 

3. 8 y. ago, there was a guy who liked her very much (again a colleague) and was pressing very much for her attention. I knew about that, but it was calm, I knew the guy was not her "type", she was not really interested.

There was a conference abroad she was attending, I asked if the guy was going too, she said that he was not. (I was not concerned that she would want to cheat, just thinking about her comfort and security). I checked with the hotel, he was there. When she came back, I asked, was he there? Answer was "No, not at all". I told her I knew, she never fell on her back, saying that she lied just not to upset me, and protested that I investigated her. Again, no scandal, no fight, case friendly closed.

 

No concerns, again, I'm sure she never would have done anything with this guy, the problem is that she lied with elegance and spontaneity, and at the end I was the culprit.

 

So, pteromom, what do you think in the context of your last post.

Is my wife who is 99.9% of her time a happy combination of Mother Theresa and Jean d'Ark capable of cheating JUST once, ONLY once.... certainly not more than once.

 

 

 

I do not know if you are a WH or a BH. Though reading this post you have a serial liar for a wife.

 

 

The first qualification for becoming a WW.

[road]

How is this a clue???????????????????

And no, the gut is NOT always right. Good Lord

 

 

 

 

 

Jane baby, I have been on infidelity boards 10+ years. If I had a $$$$ for every time this fact had been posted by other BS.

 

 

You would know that it is a super red flag.

[dreamingoftigers]

Please see how these stack up next to each other:

 

Thanks for the answer; about me trying to justify future cheating, I don't think you are right.

 

however, if I find she cheated, I'll take every and any single opportunity to cheat in the future, and this without any remorse.

 

And right now you are on a 15 year old quest to the point where you are digging up archived emails looking for any shred of proof.

 

And not to divorce her even. Not even to confront her or change one single iota about your relationship with your wife except for one thing:

 

That you would take every future opportunity to cheat without remorse.

 

NOT: I would divorce and be free of her lying/cheating OR try to fix this insane Relational issue And rebuild trust.

 

It's "IT WOULD GIVE ME A GOLDEN TICKET TO CHEAT AS OFTEN AS I WANT WITHOUT GUILT."

 

You can lie to yourself and your wife but your pist shows the deception you are pulling.

 

See below and tell me that doesn't scream mid-life:

 

About the middle-age, yes I'm 43 (possibly, you still could mistake me with a 33 y. old, and I nearly feel 33 ), problem is that with the age you start to be less a believer and more a doubter :-)

 

Next you're going to say that you are "young at heart" and can "outscrew any guy half your age" or whatever.

 

Wake up. The Affair Fog is rolling in.

Don't be an ass. Go talk to your wife about your insecurities.

[dreamingoftigers]

So, pteromom, what do you think in the context of your last post.

Is my wife who is 99.9% of her time a happy combination of Mother Theresa and Jean d'Ark capable of cheating JUST once, ONLY once.... certainly not more than once.

 

You WANT this to be true.

 

You are conflict-avoidant (re:the money) and you are seeking your wife's infidelity, bragging about your "super-fidelity" to your wife as though it is some kind if favor to beat these hoardes of women away because you are still "young and good-looking."

 

And so damned smart that you can justify to yourself that you can finally drop the shield and sword and make one of your groupie's "dreams come true." Wonderful mastery of justification.

 

Personally, I think you are in an EA already and if you haven't crossed the line to PA ....

 

Never mind. I bet you've already tried that or have gone that far "just once" and need something on your wife's end to cancel your guilt.

 

I would say seek help. But you are going to run intellectual circles around the average counselor.

Find better quality help to assist you in resolving your own dishonesty.

[janedoe67]

Jane baby, I have been on infidelity boards 10+ years. If I had a $$$$ for every time this fact had been posted by other BS.

 

 

You would know that it is a super red flag.

 

yeah yeah...if someone has suspicions or paranoia that means it MUST be true or at the very least that person MUST not be making their spouse feel safe enough. I've seen that Kool Aid

 

Dont' EVER call me baby.

 

OP, you'll get plenty of men (and a few women) on here who will back up your "gut" because they see affairs under every doily. So do whatever you want.

[KMA]

You WANT this to be true.

 

You are conflict-avoidant (re:the money) and you are seeking your wife's infidelity, bragging about your "super-fidelity" to your wife as though it is some kind if favor to beat these hoardes of women away because you are still "young and good-looking."

 

And so damned smart that you can justify to yourself that you can finally drop the shield and sword and make one of your groupie's "dreams come true." Wonderful mastery of justification.

 

Personally, I think you are in an EA already and if you haven't crossed the line to PA ....

 

Never mind. I bet you've already tried that or have gone that far "just once" and need something on your wife's end to cancel your guilt.

 

I would say seek help. But you are going to run intellectual circles around the average counselor.

Find better quality help to assist you in resolving your own dishonesty.

 

dreamingoftigers, thanks!

Looks like you criticize me more harshly than other fellow members, I think this can be only healthy for me.

 

However: NO, I'm not in an EA, even less in an PA, I am only in love with my wife and a lot!!!

 

Another thing, she also looks young and sexy and people also give her possibly 33 (she is 42). She is also a head-turner, I never had a problem with that, and I think she never had a problem with my good looks too (besides some healthy jealousy, not too much), OK?

 

I admit 3 faults, however (non is tendency to promiscuity or pride to out-screw 20 y. old guys):

1. I tend to obsessions and investigations (can make enormous effort to know the truth, not only in love)

2. I believe in absolute love and absolute fidelity (obvious fault, you can laugh :-), but this means that I'm also a bit (and not only a bit) of extremist in certain aspects;

3. I can't settle for anything else than beautiful partner (and can do anything for her saker, as it's the case with my wife) and for anything else than beautiful objects surrounding me (a big, big fault, I know, but what I can do, I'm 75% Italian, it's a cultural thing you know... go and see Sorrento, go and drive a Maserati, go and speak ITALIAN).... sorry for getting too romantic :-)

[road]

yeah yeah...if someone has suspicions or paranoia that means it MUST be true or at the very least that person MUST not be making their spouse feel safe enough. I've seen that Kool Aid

 

Dont' EVER call me baby.

 

OP, you'll get plenty of men (and a few women) on here who will back up your "gut" because they see affairs under every doily. So do whatever you want.

 

 

 

No more baby, toots.

[HermioneG]

yeah yeah...if someone has suspicions or paranoia that means it MUST be true or at the very least that person MUST not be making their spouse feel safe enough. I've seen that Kool Aid

 

Dont' EVER call me baby.

 

OP, you'll get plenty of men (and a few women) on here who will back up your "gut" because they see affairs under every doily. So do whatever you want.

 

My spouse would accuse me.

 

He was the cheater. Not me.

 

That happens all the time.

[dreamingoftigers]

dreamingoftigers, thanks!

Looks like you criticize me more harshly than other fellow members, I think this can be only healthy for me.

 

However: NO, I'm not in an EA, even less in an PA, I am only in love with my wife and a lot!!!

 

Another thing, she also looks young and sexy and people also give her possibly 33 (she is 42). She is also a head-turner, I never had a problem with that, and I think she never had a problem with my good looks too (besides some healthy jealousy, not too much), OK?

 

I admit 3 faults, however (non is tendency to promiscuity or pride to out-screw 20 y. old guys):

1. I tend to obsessions and investigations (can make enormous effort to know the truth, not only in love)

2. I believe in absolute love and absolute fidelity (obvious fault, you can laugh :-), but this means that I'm also a bit (and not only a bit) of extremist in certain aspects;

3. I can't settle for anything else than beautiful partner (and can do anything for her saker, as it's the case with my wife) and for anything else than beautiful objects surrounding me (a big, big fault, I know, but what I can do, I'm 75% Italian, it's a cultural thing you know... go and see Sorrento, go and drive a Maserati, go and speak ITALIAN).... sorry for getting too romantic :-)

 

What can I say?

 

My Irish-Italian father both charms and aggresses to disarm people.

It brings out the tendency in me to cut through the fat.

 

The issue still flags:

You are actively seeking a 15 year old potential affair.

You have stated that your result if you find it will not change your relationship, except for one thing: you will cheat without remorse.

 

Now how can you predict that you would be able to cheat "without remorse" even?

Most people who are average folk with average expectations feel uncomfortable with the idea of cheating to the point of repugnance. And spousal betrayal to be devastating.

 

But here you sit with a potential target. Now why would you even know it has potential without it being brought up between the two of you?

Or is it a fantasy?

 

You seem almost ready to relieve yourself of the "burden of proof."

 

This is inconsistent with your claim that you believe in "absolute love and fidelity."

 

Or does that only apply to yourself?

 

And lastly, there are two particular stimuli that can increase orgasms (and emotional results in women too). (Thanks "Sexual Secrets")

 

1. When a man or woman suspects their mate is cheating (see: hysterical bonding)

2. When a spouse has been absent for a time.

 

I myself have experienced both.

 

The reconnection must have been phenomenal for you both. And possibly if you suspected her of cheating you were probably having pretty intense sex which may have heightened the experience for her.

 

In fact, cuckholding as a fetish is not about a man being "degraded" as much as some males have gotten hooked on the "dopamine reward" of going through the cheating anxiety of watching another man with his wife and then having a more intense orgasm (due to sperm competition)

(But seriously, don't play with fire here).