Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale usually with women an indirect answer = NO Then they should come out and just say 'no'. It's really easy to blow people off and give strong hints that you aren't interested. The fact that she hasn't engaged in those tactics has left me confused.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Then they should come out and just say 'no'. It's really easy to blow people off and give strong hints that you aren't interested. The fact that she hasn't engaged in those tactics has left me confused. then you know little about how women communicate. they are indirect and hint and beat around the bush. cause they dont' want to hurt anyones feelings by being "direct".
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale then you know little about how women communicate. they are indirect and hint and beat around the bush. cause they dont' want to hurt anyones feelings by being "direct". What if I just come out and ask her to be direct? Any possible ramifications with that?
Bronzepen Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles It's just not that easy meeting folks when you get older. That's why when one opportunity does pop up now and then, I devote a lot of energy to it. If I was dating or interested in several people at once, each would get fairly equal attention. Your setting up barriers when there is no reason to. Your only as old as you feel. Goto bars/clubs. If that is not your thing, goto to a Starbuck or anywhere where there are women. If your really shy, try on-line dating if you feel your up to it. Since we have V-day plans on the table, should I just not contact her at all until about a week before then? I just don't see what the benefit of staying in touch would be. Although this is not what it's designed for, maybe a short period of NC may bring out her true feelings about me. You are right about the "tug of war" in my head - not knowing kills me. There is evidence to suggest she is interested and equal evidence to suggest that she may not be that into me. I'm the kind of guy who likes direct answer. Tell me the truth, even if it's not what I want to hear. Life is much easier that way. She's busy so you should also be busy. Don't call her. Even better, not be mean, but maybe you will find someone before V-Day and you will have to break your date to go with the new person. Who knows. Move on.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen Your setting up barriers when there is no reason to. Your only as old as you feel. Goto bars/clubs. If that is not your thing, goto to a Starbuck or anywhere where there are women. If your really shy, try on-line dating if you feel your up to it. Trust me, I've been trying. I'm like 0 for 5 with asking about coworkers and friends of friends, and the online thing has yielded disappointing results, though that is where I started talking to this girl. I feel I have given considerable effort but don't have much to show for it. She's busy so you should also be busy. Don't call her. Even better, not be mean, but maybe you will find someone before V-Day and you will have to break your date to go with the new person. Who knows. Move on. Why does everyone always say "move on"? Man, if I just moved on quickly with other things in my life when I hit a bump in the road, I never would have passed college, had a great job, had a successful songwriting career, and so on. I am not saying that people should stay in a situation that emotionally drains them, but you should never walk away easily, either. I won't have anyone else for V-day, trust me. It's a nice thought, but I'm definitely not in demand.
ntovrhm Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 You really haven't known her for that long, and you haven't been intimate, so there really are no explanations needed for her behavior. I think you are moving a little too fast for someone you really don't know enough about to determine if you two would work out long term. I think I know what you want, you want more time with her to get to KNOW her better to even see if it could work. But, if she doesn''t have the time to put in the effort right now, you've got no choice but to sit back and take it slow. I know you like her, but you need to be a little more laid back about this and not lay it on too thick. Granted, there are not a lot of fish in the sea as you get older, but there still are fish. It seems to me that you are putting too much pressure on yourself to meet someone NOW, and maybe putting too much pressure on this relationship. It's okay not to rush into things . . .
missouribabe Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Ok, I have to tell you. What Alphamale says is true about women - they give indirect answers and beat around the bush instead of coming out and saying 'no' when they're not interested. Trust me, I'm a woman, and this is exactly what I've done when men I'm not that into have asked me out or have asked me direct questions about my feelings for them. I'm not proud of my behavior, usually I pride myself on being a straight shooter, but BELIEVE ME, women do this (maybe men do, too) all the time! About the 'busy' thing - I really think this is just an excuse, that's my gut instinct. When someone is interested, even if they're insanely busy, they make time for you. The busiest people in the world don't use their school/work as an excuse when they're into somebody. Trust me on this one as well. I really think you should just move on. And just because you haven't had immediate success with other women doesn't mean you have to hold onto this one girl. Take some time for yourself, do things you enjoy doing, explore new interests. Don't push so hard for a relationship or even a date with someone. Do you own thing and be comfortable with your own company. Easier said than done, I know, believe me, I know. If this girl likes you, she will come to you. Until then, I say back off and do things that make you feel good about yourself. Someone else will come into your life, that is certain. You can't control when, but just be open to it.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by ntovrhm I think you are moving a little too fast for someone you really don't know enough about to determine if you two would work out long term. I agree. Even what I consider slow is probably too fast for her. I think I know what you want, you want more time with her to get to KNOW her better to even see if it could work. But, if she doesn''t have the time to put in the effort right now, you've got no choice but to sit back and take it slow. Yeah, you're right. I just want more time with her, that's all. I am a little frustrated that I'll have to wait, though, only because it seems like I am always waiting for something or someone. For once I'd like something to happen smoothly. I know you like her, but you need to be a little more laid back about this and not lay it on too thick. Funny thing is, I am VERY laid back outside of relationships. Why do I get so worked up over this? Maybe because it's very important to me. I don't know. It seems to me that you are putting too much pressure on yourself to meet someone NOW, and maybe putting too much pressure on this relationship. I am putting pressure on myself. I'm not getting any younger and I do want to settle down with someone. I'm not trying to put the heat on anyone but myself, but I guess some of this is spilling over to her, as well. I know I need to cut that off right away. Thanks for the advice. I like your avatar, by the way.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by missouribabe I'm not proud of my behavior, usually I pride myself on being a straight shooter, but BELIEVE ME, women do this (maybe men do, too) all the time! Oh, trust me, I know they do this. Heck, I've been there before many times. But each case is different, and at this point, knowing what I do about her, I don't feel there is conclusive evidence that she is being indirect to spare my feelings. One thing I have learned from LS - don't jump to conclusions right away. You need to look for facts. About the 'busy' thing - I really think this is just an excuse, that's my gut instinct. When someone is interested, even if they're insanely busy, they make time for you. The busiest people in the world don't use their school/work as an excuse when they're into somebody. Trust me on this one as well. Keep in mind that our first date went remarkably well and that she has said that she wants to get together when her schedule allows. She legitimately does have a busy schedule, not to mention that she needs to get her ex off her back before starting something new. If it were me, would I make time for her? You bet. I'd drive there to see her for 15 minutes. She may not have that same intensity, but it was only one date, and I cannot expect her to drop everything for someone she doesn't know that well. My ex used the school excuse on me as the reason for our breakup, but I don't think this girl is hiding behind this (or any other) excuse. Take some time for yourself, do things you enjoy doing, explore new interests. Don't push so hard for a relationship or even a date with someone. Do you own thing and be comfortable with your own company. Easier said than done, I know, believe me, I know. If this girl likes you, she will come to you. Until then, I say back off and do things that make you feel good about yourself. Someone else will come into your life, that is certain. You can't control when, but just be open to it. I have done this - for 3 months, in fact. Now I am ready to date again. That IS my interest, and my desire. I will back off because I am tired of working this hard for small returns. And like I said previously, I am always open to others coming into my life, but until they do, I will devote as much time and energy necessary on the few prospects I have. Life isn't like a Hollywood movie - the love of my life just won't stroll up to my house one day and everything will be fantastic. Love takes work, both before, during, and sometimes even after a relationship. I am fully committed to giving it everything I have, except in cases like this where I think I have a reached a temporary dead end.
ntovrhm Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Thank you, I'm not very good at the computer stuff, so I was very proud of myself for it! I too was in the same situation as you not too long ago, and it took me looking outside the box at my actions to make me see how it was not healthy to be focusing so much attention on a relationship that really hadn't begun yet. If she won't let you have the time with her now, focus your attention on YOU, and not anyone else. Maybe she will let you in more if you take it easy. Who knows, maybe you will be meet someone else along the way. But it isn't good to focus too much on finding somebody else either. I'm getting older as well, but putting pressure on myself to find someone again was just making me miserable. In the grand scheme of things, we really don't have that much control over the fate of when we will meet a great match. Once I relaxed a bit, I began to appreciate my friends and interests again, and began to LIVE life again, instead of waiting for it to happen to me. I think THAT'S when you just might meet someone and find that right "fit". I wish you the best of luck! Think positive! Edited to note that I didn't read what missouribabe said before I posted, but great minds must think alike!
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by ntovrhm Thank you, I'm not very good at the computer stuff, so I was very proud of myself for it! I too was in the same situation as you not too long ago, and it took me looking outside the box at my actions to make me see how it was not healthy to be focusing so much attention on a relationship that really hadn't begun yet. If she won't let you have the time with her now, focus your attention on YOU, and not anyone else. Maybe she will let you in more if you take it easy. Who knows, maybe you will be meet someone else along the way. But it isn't good to focus too much on finding somebody else either. I'm getting older as well, but putting pressure on myself to find someone again was just making me miserable. In the grand scheme of things, we really don't have that much control over the fate of when we will meet a great match. Once I relaxed a bit, I began to appreciate my friends and interests again, and began to LIVE life again, instead of waiting for it to happen to me. I think THAT'S when you just might meet someone and find that right "fit". I wish you the best of luck! Think positive! Edited to note that I didn't read what missouribabe said before I posted, but great minds must think alike! Thanks. I'm just gonna take a short vacation this weekend to get away from this situation. No phone calls, no e-mails, and hopefully no thinking about any of this. I have no idea where I'll go or what I'll do, but I really need to take a few steps back, relax, and start thinking outside of the box again. I do fear my objectivity has been clouded by frustration - frustration which may very well be exaggerated and unfounded.
Bronzepen Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Why does everyone always say "move on"? Man, if I just moved on quickly with other things in my life when I hit a bump in the road, I never would have passed college, had a great job, had a successful songwriting career, and so on. I am not saying that people should stay in a situation that emotionally drains them, but you should never walk away easily, either. Because, unlike college, your job and songwriting, you have nothing to show for all the effort and time you put in to this one girl. Your not walking away easily. You have given a lot of thought, emotion and hard work towards getting this girl to go out with you to no avail. Your beating a dead horse. Work smarter not harder. Now, just because you move on, it doesn't mean that if she decides to contact you then you should ignore her. Maybe she will call you and maybe not. Don't sweat it. Find something else to do. Good Luck
gwennebe Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I just wanted to say I am in the same situation only I am the girl. There is a guy that I went out with once and he is good looking and nice and just all around great but I'm just not that into him and I know I dont' want to be involved romantically with him but I keep him around in case I'm desperate and I contact him and talk to him but barely. I mean only enough to keep him strung along so I can use him. To me, no offense, but you sound just like him and the biggest turn off with him is he is just too dang nice and too willing to bend over backwards for me. I'm sorry but I don't think she really really likes you and it sounds like she is doing exactly what I'm doing. I'm using him. She is probably using you.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by gwennebe I'm using him. She is probably using you. I will go on that assumption. What the heck? Bartender!
alphamale Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by gwennebe To me, no offense, but you sound just like him and the biggest turn off with him is he is just too dang nice and too willing to bend over backwards for me. I'm sorry but I don't think she really really likes you and it sounds like she is doing exactly what I'm doing.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale How come there is no smiley face with a sledgehammer?
Author iceisles Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 After strong consideration of all the opinions on this thread, I have decided to institute NC for four consecutive weeks, effective as of yesterday. This will take us to Feb. 10, and I will make my next decision at that time. If I don't hear from her much between now and then, it is likely that I will cancel the Valentine's Day plans and cut her loose. I have also suspended the pursuit of other women indefinitely, until I am able to regain some objectivity on all of this. I just don't have much left in the emotional tank right now.
alphamale Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles I have decided to institute NC for four consecutive weeks HA! and I will make my next decision at that time. You aren' t in any position to make decisions in this situation If I don't hear from her much between now and then, it is likely that I will cancel the Valentine's Day plans and cut her loose. You cannot cut somthing loose that was never yours in 1st place I have also suspended the pursuit of other women indefinitely This is the worst possible thing you could do! I just don't have much left in the emotional tank right now. That is cause you emotional "tank" only holds half a liter.
Author iceisles Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale HA! You aren' t in any position to make decisions in this situation You cannot cut somthing loose that was never yours in 1st place This is the worst possible thing you could do! That is cause you emotional "tank" only holds half a liter. Ya know, I've had just about enough of you. I am going to respectfully ask that you no longer respond to ANY of my threads. Go solicit your bias somewhere else and leave me alone.
ntovrhm Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 I think you are doing the right thing by not contacting her. If she does happen to contact you, make sure you don't jump right back in again full force, just take it easy. I think if she doesn't contact you after 4 weeks you can assume that things are done, and that you won't be spending V-day together. I would just let it drop. As far as pursuing other woman, I think it's good for you to take a rest to get some perspective, and take the pressure off you for a while, but if something comes along. . . . don't necessarily refuse the opportunity. I get a sense of urgency from some of your posts, that I think might put some woman off. Go with the flow, and become happy with yourself, hell, ASSUME you will be alone for a while, but be happy. It can be lonely sometimes, but the grass isn't always greener (look at some of the messed up relationships out there). Take care
Author iceisles Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by ntovrhm I think you are doing the right thing by not contacting her. If she does happen to contact you, make sure you don't jump right back in again full force, just take it easy. I think if she doesn't contact you after 4 weeks you can assume that things are done, and that you won't be spending V-day together. I would just let it drop. As far as pursuing other woman, I think it's good for you to take a rest to get some perspective, and take the pressure off you for a while, but if something comes along. . . . don't necessarily refuse the opportunity. I get a sense of urgency from some of your posts, that I think might put some woman off. Go with the flow, and become happy with yourself, hell, ASSUME you will be alone for a while, but be happy. It can be lonely sometimes, but the grass isn't always greener (look at some of the messed up relationships out there). Take care Yeah, if nothing happens in four weeks, I will take that as my answer. I prefer direct answers, but sometimes we must settle for inferences. Relationships are complex, but how often someone contacts you is generally a good barometer of interest. It is a two-way street, but I have most definitely done my part. I'm just not going to worry about dating for awhile. I've gone all out and don't have much to show for it. Seems like effort doesn't count for much these days. I don't believe that love finds us when we least expect it, but since what I've done hasn't worked, I figure I'll go with that theory for awhile. And just to clarify, I am happy with myself. I like my job, have a great family, love where I live, and am fortunate to have some great friends. What's missing is someone in my life to care for, someone I can share my dreams with, etc. I have been alone most of my life and have done fine. But I will always have a sense of urgency to find that one missing piece of the puzzle because it is something very important to me.
ntovrhm Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 I can understand that. It's nice when it does work with someone. I just know I have have been trying to become much more aware of trying not to fit a square peg in a round whole, just to fit that piece in the puzzle.
Author iceisles Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by ntovrhm I just know I have have been trying to become much more aware of trying not to fit a square peg in a round whole, just to fit that piece in the puzzle. I know this is my problem. I am trying to force things that I can't really control. I am leaving work early today to take a few days off from this mess. I'll probably go to Cincinnati and check out the zoo, some museums, or whatever else will keep me away from the phone, the e-mails, etc. I need to do something to right this ship. I no longer feel like I can handle things correctly and need a 48-hour timeout.
ntovrhm Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Good for you! Don't dwell too much, and do things just for YOU to make YOU feel good. Maybe I'll take your lead and do the same. Have fun!
Author iceisles Posted January 16, 2005 Author Posted January 16, 2005 I'm back from my trip, and I'm glad I went. I just needed a few days to clear my mind. I've returned more relaxed and now I really feel that if someone wants to be with me, they will make it obvious. It surely took a few steps back to gain that perspective, though. And by the way, while I was gone she left me two voicemails, e-mailed me twice, and left me an IM. So for those posters who think that she isn't interested, she is still sticking around. It looks like there is still some time left on this clock to make a big play.
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