Bronzepen Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Sorry for the confusion - she was pregnant and had a miscarriage. It would have been their first child. Actually, her due date was supposed to be this Friday, and she already told me that she expects to be "a mess" that day. I'm going to try and be there for her the best I can for that, though I'm sure nothing I say will make her feel better. She broke up with him because he turned into a jerk (not quite her words) after she got pregnant. Apparently he didn't want a child, was not supportive during the pregnancy, and showed no sympathy, concern, etc., when she had the miscarriage. He continued to act like an idiot after that and she eventually told him to take a hike. She no longer wants anything to do with him, though he continues to try and plead his way back to her. She has told me that she can't get involved in anything new until she is emotionally ready, with a big part of that getting rid of him. A restraining order is currently being considered. I think with her, it's a combination of not being emotionally ready and just being busy. Her schedule is unbelievable - I'm surprised she has time to sleep. Maybe she also feels that she could not devote time to me (or anyone else) right now, which is something very important to consider when you first start a new relationship. Even though this disappoints me, I totally understand and actually think it's great that she has her priorities in order. The good thing is that she still enjoys talking to me and has apologized for being so busy, so it's not like I am getting the classic blow-off...at least not yet, anyway. No apology is necessary. Just wasn't clear to me. I don't think there is any combination. She was busy before she broke up with her ex but she seemed to have/make time for him. Emotionally, your right. A miscarriage is very traumatic for any woman. If I was in your shoes I would definately give her space. Her ex is constantly smothering her, begging and leading. That's bad enough to deal with it. Who knows how many times he calls/emails her. If your constantly smothering her (not that your are, but your teetering that way) with emails, phone calls, etc... then this might explain why she doesn't call you much. Give her the space she needs. If she needs you, she will call you.
crisp Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 I may sound superficial, but when I'm so concentrated on my work I know I need to relax, just never am able to. So why don't you just.. be a guy! Make her occasionally laugh, take her out of this so uptight environment she created around her. Be a friend. I know she'll appreciate it.
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 I am giving her what I feel is enough space. I call her about twice a week and now won't be e-mailing her for quite awhile. My fear is that too much space will be equated to indifference on my part, somewhere I have been many times before. IMO, it's better if I stay "in the picture" some without being overbearing. She has never initiated much contact, but I have never taken that as a bad sign in light of everything else I know about her and "our" situation.
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by crisp Be a friend. I know she'll appreciate it. I'm doing the best I can, for sure. It's a little more difficult when she knows how I feel about her, though. I can tell she needs to relax - she has a good sense of humor but I can tell she has a lot of stuff on her mind right now. This is exactly why I don't want to only call 2-3 times a month like has been suggested to me previously.
Bronzepen Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles I am giving her what I feel is enough space. I call her about twice a week and now won't be e-mailing her for quite awhile. My fear is that too much space will be equated to indifference on my part, somewhere I have been many times before. IMO, it's better if I stay "in the picture" some without being overbearing. She has never initiated much contact, but I have never taken that as a bad sign in light of everything else I know about her and "our" situation. That's good. Calling twice a week is fine. Just don't call her at the same time or same day evey week. Be sporadic. Not emailing for a while is good too. Believe me, she won't feel your being indiffrent. Indiffrent would be if you ignored her completely. I really do hope things work out for you. BTW are you ready for the worst case scenario of her saying that she just wants to be friends and no more? It's OK to be positive and think things will turn out alright but are you also ready for a possible let down? Only saying this, because your devoting a lot of energy and time, physically and emotionaly to her. If things don't pan out, your going to be really hard on yourself and your gonna be hurtin alot more if your not prepared for the worst. But hey, I am rootin for ya. Just be open minded to all possiblities.
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen BTW are you ready for the worst case scenario of her saying that she just wants to be friends and no more? It's OK to be positive and think things will turn out alright but are you also ready for a possible let down? Only saying this, because your devoting a lot of energy and time, physically and emotionaly to her. If things don't pan out, your going to be really hard on yourself and your gonna be hurtin alot more if your not prepared for the worst. But hey, I am rootin for ya. Just be open minded to all possiblities. I am prepared for the worst-case scenario. After my ex and I split up, I have found so much strength - thanks primarily to this site. I do feel that I will no longer be devastated like I used to be when things didn't quite work out like I planned. I have come to realize that letdowns are a part of life. All I can do is give it my best shot and hope that things work out. It's true that I have devoted a lot of time and energy to her, but my plan all along was to give this a solid (but controlled) effort. Everything I have accomplished in life I have earned, and I feel that this will be something I will also have to earn. I appreciate your support and hope that things work out. If another dating opportunity arises, I will certainly consider it. But for now, I will make her my main focus and do everything I can to try and make this dream a reality.
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Back to the issue of the card: if it was possibly blocked by a junk mail filter, should I ask if she received it? I can say something very casual like, "Did you happen to get that card I sent? Some of my friends told me that sometimes they never go through because they look like junk mail." It was a nice card and I would kinda like to know if she got to see it.
crisp Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 MHO: don't whisper a word! Imagine that she did get it... you'll put her in a ridiculous position and you don't want that. Plus, you'll look as if you were desperate for her attention. Please give us the link for that freaking card you're killing us with. I say it's NOTHING but a card, unless it's golden. Let it go, ice. And show it to us, if it's not too private .
crisp Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 I know it's hard... but you're risking it for nothing... Sorry...
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by crisp I know it's hard... but you're risking it for nothing... Sorry... It's no big deal. I just hope to make some headway tonight. I never judge or criticize others for how they feel, but I do need to know what they're thinking. I hope to get a clearer picture of things tonight. I'm going to bring up getting together for lunch this weekend and convey that I wouldn't mind just casually hanging out until she's ready to date. I certainly don't want her to rush into anything, but I do want to spend time with her.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 I spoke to her tonight, and it was more of the same. She wants to do the Reds game and Valentine's Day, but expects to be very busy all semester. In other words, don't expect to see her much outside of those two things. I do believe that she is legitimately busy because cheerleading alone will require a few competitions out of state, etc. Normally I would think being "busy" would be an excuse, but she is being genuine. Nevertheless, I think I am done contacting her until we are closer to V-day. Calling her only makes me want to be with her. We have 2 dates tentatively scheduled, and she knows how I feel. If she wants to see me, she'll call. I'm not gonna keep on wasting so much effort on a mountain that I can't really climb. I'm disappointed that she doesn't have much time for me, but it's a busy world we live in. I'll suck it up and begin to look elsewhere in the interim.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles She wants to do the Reds game and Valentine's Day, but expects to be very busy all semester. In other words, don't expect to see her much outside of those two things. I'm disappointed that she doesn't have much time for me, but it's a busy world we live in.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Yeah, yeah, you were right. *Tips his cap to you*
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Just looking for a few thoughts. I've been talking to this girl for awhile, and we both kinda like each other, though she's not ready to jump into anything new yet. Anyway, I called her yesterday to wish her a good day at class, and she appreciated that. She also told me that she wasn't feeling well, so later that day I decided to send her a cute "get well" e-card. It was no big deal, really - just something to show I was thinking of her. When I checked my mail this morning, I saw that she got it but never wrote back to say thanks or anything. Now I know she probably had a busy day and wasn't feeling well, but how long does it take to write back with a simple "Thanks for the card"? 2 seconds? 3? And this isn't the first time that some of my nice gestures have gone unacknowledged. Other times, though, she will write back and say thanks - but usually it's a short reply and frequently comes several days later. The reason this has me a little annoyed is because it took me a half-hour to find and send a really cute card. I just like to know that my efforts are appreciated. And the thing is, I know she appreciates these things, but she hasn't been that great about conveying that. Is it because some people just aren't big into e-mail? Maybe it's because they don't know what to say, or perhaps they don't feel a reply is necessary? Granted, there weren't any questions in the card, but acknowledging it would have been nice. I can't figure her out. She's more than happy to talk to me on the phone and will almost always reply to e-mails when I write her. So it's not like she's trying to blow me off or be rude. What are your experiences with this kinda thing? Are some folks just not that receptive to getting e-mail, e-cards, etc.? Does your love interest/significant other often fail to thank you for sending them little things? I know I am probably overreacting a little, but it does bother me when people can't take a few seconds to say thank you. As always, I appreciate your input. I like doing nice things for people but don't expect anything back. Yes, a thanks for the card would have been nice! But sounds like you didn't get yer thanks and maybe she isn't as interested? I don't know. Sorry! Guilty, not read this whole thread, but I will...And if I see anything diff. I will add more to my reply back to ya.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 She's probably not that interested. I wouldn't be surprised. Just my foolish optimism.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Ya know, part of me thinks I should still call her now and then, and part of me thinks "what's the point?" When I was younger, I would have continued to call in this situation. Now it's like I don't even care, like it's not even worth the effort. I know if she's interested, she'll come after me. I've had girls do that before, with the irony being that I wasn't interested in them. I am just fooling myself thinking that there is anything more than a passive interest here - busy schedule or not. If she wanted to see me, she would find time. Anyone would.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Ya know, part of me thinks I should still call her now and then
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Now, how did I know that when my e-mail came in that it would be you? I could have bet $20 that it was going to say "Alphamale has just responded to a thread you are subscribed to". Lol. Do you have anything to say, or are the smiley faces my message?
alphamale Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Lol. Do you have anything to say, or are the smiley faces my message?
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 I think you want the mime board, buddy. Anyone else care to comment? You know, with actual words?
Bronzepen Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Ya know, part of me thinks I should still call her now and then, and part of me thinks "what's the point?" When I was younger, I would have continued to call in this situation. Now it's like I don't even care, like it's not even worth the effort. I know if she's interested, she'll come after me. I've had girls do that before, with the irony being that I wasn't interested in them. I am just fooling myself thinking that there is anything more than a passive interest here - busy schedule or not. If she wanted to see me, she would find time. Anyone would. Since she hasn't given you a direct answer (yes or no) your always going to second guess. Is she or isn't she? That's why you have this tug of war in your head. My suggestion, Move on. Not saying to ignore her but get on with your life. I said this before, ball is in her court, she knows you want her. If she wants you and she is ready to date again, she will call you. Your too absorbed into this one girl. Look around you. Use your open eye.
Author iceisles Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen Your too absorbed into this one girl. Look around you. Use your open eye. I've looked. The landscape is pretty empty. Once I left college, the amount of prospects I had dropped about 95%. It's just not that easy meeting folks when you get older. That's why when one opportunity does pop up now and then, I devote a lot of energy to it. If I was dating or interested in several people at once, each would get fairly equal attention. Since we have V-day plans on the table, should I just not contact her at all until about a week before then? I just don't see what the benefit of staying in touch would be. Although this is not what it's designed for, maybe a short period of NC may bring out her true feelings about me. You are right about the "tug of war" in my head - not knowing kills me. There is evidence to suggest she is interested and equal evidence to suggest that she may not be that into me. I'm the kind of guy who likes direct answers. Tell me the truth, even if it's not what I want to hear. Life is much easier that way.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen Since she hasn't given you a direct answer (yes or no) your always going to second guess. usually with women an indirect answer = NO
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