Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Zoot Sounds to me like she considers you a friend. Which is why she was enthusiastic about me taking her out for Valentine's Day?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 It sounds promising, but let her set the pace since she the a little unsure - and try not to read too much of your own fears into her motives for doing things. Its hard, I know.
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia It sounds promising, but let her set the pace since she the a little unsure - and try not to read too much of your own fears into her motives for doing things. Its hard, I know. You can read me like a book. Lol. I'll just sit back and let the cards fall where they may. I have gotten better at sensing when people need more space, so if I think that's the case with her, I will gladly give it. It's not like she'll forget about me or anything.
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Lucrezia, do you think sending an e-mail now and then to see how she's doing is ok? I would think she would take that as only being friendly, but I want to make sure. I usually do that with most of my friends, so I wasn't sure if I should adapt a new train of thought with her. Thanks.
Scarlett_girl Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 i have a similar story..there was this guy i really liked and we had emailing and hanging out and then over break he just stopped emailing me...so i got all crazy and assumed he stopped liking me or whatever..well..turns out he had been up North in the mountain for 2 weeks and as soon as he saw me our first day..he asked me for coffee and dinner..so i am no longer caring whether he emails or not..some people just dont place much importance in emailing!!
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 I believe that, Scarlett. Probably even moreso for folks who are incredible busy. What I have to remember is this - even though I have a ton of free time to think about her, she is very busy with school, teaching cheerleading, dealing with her ex, taking care of her Mom, and the list goes on. I know when I was busy, you just don't take much time to acknowledge people because you are so caught up in everything else. It doesn't mean that they think any differently of you though, and I've been slow to accept that. Man, it seems like with love, the learning process never ends.
7on Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 yeah, just be thankful that you're not like me. I've never been in a relationship because of the fact I get too horny. Now I want a girl, a certain girl. We became fast friends. But yeah, I'm like a dog in heat so don't trust anything I say...
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Lucrezia, do you think sending an e-mail now and then to see how she's doing is ok? Sure. Give it a few days though. Keep it friendly, nothing too heavy, self-conscious, or anything that makes it look like you are fishing for a response. Ecards can be put on hold for now. Hmm.. It's hard to put in words. Here are a couple of examples, exaggerated for effect: Bad: Hey there, ____ I was wondering if it was ok to email you, because I don't want to look overbearing or anything. I sent you an ecard and didn't hear from you so I just wanted to make sure its ok if I email you. I really don't want to mess this up because I really do like you a lot. I hope that you are doing well, and that I'll hear from you soon. Let me know if I'm getting on your nerves or anything. Here's why its bad: 1. Don't bring her attention to negative things by mentioning them - like 'overbearing', 'getting on your nerves', 'mess it up'. That has a way of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't want to plant those ideas in her mind! 2. Asking permission to email - you two have established that you are friends, you don't have to ask about emailing her. It would make you seem neurotic and overly concerned with the small stuff. 3. Dropping in a subtle hint for her to email you back 'hope to hear from you soon', and "didn't hear from you" - implies that you are fishing for an obligatory response. 4. The focus is all on you: how you feel, how worried you are, etc. She knows you like her, so you wouldn't need to remind her. Good: Hey, there ______ I just wanted to tell you what a great time I had the other afternoon. It was lots of fun. I enjoy hanging out with you. Hope things are going well with your studying. Talk to you soon, Iceisles. Here's why its good: 1. You establish that you enjoy her company without obligating her in any way. 2. You take an interest in things she is doing and are concerned with things she finds important (studying) - while keeping the focus off of you and your fears 3. You drop a hint that you intend to talk to her soon: 'talk to you later' Bad email = insecurity, obligation, neurosis, negative Good email = security, interest, intent, positive Once you email, then give her time to respond and don't be discouraged if she doesn't. You really don't want to be putting too much importance on that. Some people are just pretty bad at returning phone calls or emails (I'm notorious for that), so don't read 'rejection' into it. She seems to be pretty happy taking it slow, and while you don't want to bombard her daily with heartfelt email - it won't hurt to send something short and friendly to start off with. If she emails you back and it is appropriate then you can do a 'reply'. Don't reply if there is nothing to reply to though. If you don't get a reply, then just wait until after you talk to her again.
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Simply outstanding advice. I have printed this out and taped it to my desk - no joke. This will be a great desk guide to ensure that my e-mails are positive without sounding obligatory. As much as I favor phone calls over e-mail, writing her may be my best way to stay in touch given her crazy schedule.
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 How does this sound? Hey - I hope you're feeling a little better today. We have a few things going around the office that I hope I don't catch. I'm very thankful that I haven't been sick in quite some time. I got a really cool e-mail last night. It was from the Nashville Song Service, one of the bigger music publishers in country music. They expressed an interest in recording a demo of one of my songs. I have to look over the contract before deciding whether or not I want to do it, though. What basically happens is that they construct & record the song and then act as an agent to present it to major singers/bands to see if they want to record it. I'm definitely excited about the opportunity, though I may sit on it for a little while. I hope things are going well with your studying. I am surely glad the days of doing papers are behind me. Talk to you soon, Dave Would this qualify as a good, no-pressure e-mail?
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Sure, and congrats on the demo. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 So I e-mailed her last night - she got it, didn't respond, and it didn't even bother me! Could the sense of reason that permeates on LS finally be seeping into my head?
crisp Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Well, at least you didn't ask her out and she flat out turned you down. Take the hint ! If you want to be sure and have enough ego, skip over the emailing and ask her to have lunch with you one day. She does need to eat, doesn't she?
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by crisp If you want to be sure and have enough ego, skip over the emailing and ask her to have lunch with you one day. She does need to eat, doesn't she? It's funny you say that - I'm going to ask her tonight if she'd like to meet me for lunch or dinner anytime this weekend for an hour or so. I have a 3-day weekend, so that's at least six opportunities she can get together. I will be disappointed (but not completely dejected) if she doesn't want to get together. I plan on saying something like, "I know we haven't got to talk much lately, and I thought it would nice to grab lunch and catch up." Think that sounds like a good plan? I mean, she has to eat, and I know if I wanted to get out of such an invitation, I'd have to dig deep into the excuse bank. Lol.
crisp Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Well, at least you'll know where you stand. I think it's a great idea. You'll see how she feels about "internet etiquette", LOOL !!! BTW: don't even open this subject ! I say it's a great idea! Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Thanks, crisp, I appreciate it. I have decided to suspend e-mail contact for a few weeks because even when she does write back, her replies are very short - usually a couple of sentences. I think I'll just be going to phone calls for now. I am sticking with this until she either wants to date me or says that she isn't interested - there will be no more guessing on my part. I will give it my best effort, win or lose. Right now, I think I am a candidate for her once she feels like she wants to date again. However, there is no way to tell how strong of a candidate I am because she is not very open with her feelings unless she knows someone very well. Also, there is no set timeframe for her wanting go get involved with someone again, so the wait could be significant. However, the fact that she agreed to catch a Reds game in April and celebrate Valentine's Day with me has to suggest that I must be somewhere on the top of her list. I find that some people are easier to read than the NY Post, and others are like trying to read The Art of War. Lol.
crisp Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 You're not gonna like what I'm gonna say: To me middle of Februray and not to say April are quite far away. If you don't mind waiting, that's fine, but... But some people don't know and feel bad when they have to turn down other people. I'd really want this possibility out if I were you, especially since you appear to be rather commited to her. That's why I suggested lunch. You'll talk to her, more than a call or an email. You'll get her signals. You'll just see if she's for real or .... just stringing you along. My 2 cents, anyway!!
TotallyUsed Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 I only skim-read, so I'm sorry if I missed something somewhere. E-cards are delivered straight to my junk mail because of my filters. Maybe she didn't ever see it. As for the other mail, maybe that was filtered too? Are you 100% sure she got them, or just assuming she did because they didn't bounce?
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Yeah, those dates are far away, but trust me - girls aren't lining up to knock down my door. Lol. Any opportunity I get, I play every hand until all my chips are gone. Time goes fast, anyway, and if I don't see her until mid-February, I can live with that. I am working on a special V-day, which will be nice as long as she doesn't back out between now and then. Hopefully she won't. I am definitely going to shift the emphasis back to phone conversations and casual get togethers. I have already told her that I respect her situation and don't want to rush her into anything. I think she may be hesitant to get together as friends when she knows how I feel about her (and possibly, how she may feel about me). I know that it would be tough to get lunch with a friend who I know really wanted to date me. There is a certain amount of awkwardness there, for sure. She may be waiting until she is ready to date again, assuming that she may reach that point by February. At this point, I do not feel that I'm being strung along. However, I do need to find out for certain what my chances are and decide if waiting for her is a worthwhile gamble. I do wish that she would make more of an effort to give me a quick call to say 'hi' now and then, but I have to realize that she is incredibly busy. Also, let's be honest - the scales aren't even here. I like her a lot, and while she may like me, she probably hasn't put nearly as much thought into this as I have, and therefore contacting me infrequently, etc., doesn't bother her.
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by TotallyUsed E-cards are delivered straight to my junk mail because of my filters. Maybe she didn't ever see it. As for the other mail, maybe that was filtered too? Are you 100% sure she got them, or just assuming she did because they didn't bounce? These are good points. I can't be sure she got them - the junk mail filters do block a lot of cards. She uses Hotmail, which is very aggressive with sending mail to the bulk folder. Should I ask if she got it, though? I'm afraid that might come off the wrong way if I ask, but I am curious if it went through, though. As for the other mail, that was on MySpace and she definitely got it because the messages said "read."
Bronzepen Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Iceisles, when did she break up with her boyfriend and how long did they date for?
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen Iceisles, when did she break up with her boyfriend and how long did they date for? They broke up in November and dated almost 2.5 years. They were also engaged to be married and have a child together, but unfortunately she had a miscarriage. I know what you're going to tell me - she will need a lot of time, and I'm aware of that. I have no problem waiting awhile, though.
Bronzepen Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles They were also engaged to be married and have a child together, but unfortunately she had a miscarriage. I know what you're going to tell me - she will need a lot of time, and I'm aware of that. I have no problem waiting awhile, though. She has a child now and had a miscarriage or she was pregnant and had a miscarriage? Just asking for clarification. Do you know why they seperated? What happend? Don't know if she needs a lot of time or not. Everyone is diffrent. Some people jump right back into dating after a breakup. Some people don't. It's up to her.
Author iceisles Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen She has a child now and had a miscarriage or she was pregnant and had a miscarriage? Just asking for clarification. Do you know why they separated? What happened? Don't know if she needs a lot of time or not. Everyone is different. Some people jump right back into dating after a breakup. Some people don't. It's up to her. Sorry for the confusion - she was pregnant and had a miscarriage. It would have been their first child. Actually, her due date was supposed to be this Friday, and she already told me that she expects to be "a mess" that day. I'm going to try and be there for her the best I can for that, though I'm sure nothing I say will make her feel better. She broke up with him because he turned into a jerk (not quite her words) after she got pregnant. Apparently he didn't want a child, was not supportive during the pregnancy, and showed no sympathy, concern, etc., when she had the miscarriage. He continued to act like an idiot after that and she eventually told him to take a hike. She no longer wants anything to do with him, though he continues to try and plead his way back to her. She has told me that she can't get involved in anything new until she is emotionally ready, with a big part of that getting rid of him. A restraining order is currently being considered. I think with her, it's a combination of not being emotionally ready and just being busy. Her schedule is unbelievable - I'm surprised she has time to sleep. Maybe she also feels that she could not devote time to me (or anyone else) right now, which is something very important to consider when you first start a new relationship. Even though this disappoints me, I totally understand and actually think it's great that she has her priorities in order. The good thing is that she still enjoys talking to me and has apologized for being so busy, so it's not like I am getting the classic blow-off...at least not yet, anyway.
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