iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Just looking for a few thoughts. I've been talking to this girl for awhile, and we both kinda like each other, though she's not ready to jump into anything new yet. Anyway, I called her yesterday to wish her a good day at class, and she appreciated that. She also told me that she wasn't feeling well, so later that day I decided to send her a cute "get well" e-card. It was no big deal, really - just something to show I was thinking of her. When I checked my mail this morning, I saw that she got it but never wrote back to say thanks or anything. Now I know she probably had a busy day and wasn't feeling well, but how long does it take to write back with a simple "Thanks for the card"? 2 seconds? 3? And this isn't the first time that some of my nice gestures have gone unacknowledged. Other times, though, she will write back and say thanks - but usually it's a short reply and frequently comes several days later. The reason this has me a little annoyed is because it took me a half-hour to find and send a really cute card. I just like to know that my efforts are appreciated. And the thing is, I know she appreciates these things, but she hasn't been that great about conveying that. Is it because some people just aren't big into e-mail? Maybe it's because they don't know what to say, or perhaps they don't feel a reply is necessary? Granted, there weren't any questions in the card, but acknowledging it would have been nice. I can't figure her out. She's more than happy to talk to me on the phone and will almost always reply to e-mails when I write her. So it's not like she's trying to blow me off or be rude. What are your experiences with this kinda thing? Are some folks just not that receptive to getting e-mail, e-cards, etc.? Does your love interest/significant other often fail to thank you for sending them little things? I know I am probably overreacting a little, but it does bother me when people can't take a few seconds to say thank you. As always, I appreciate your input.
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Take it easy. Maybe that's how she's taking it. I'm sure she didn't even realise she hurt your feelings. It depends on each person, on their internet "manners" .
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by crisp Take it easy. Maybe that's how she's taking it. I'm sure she didn't even realise she hurt your feelings. It depends on each person, on their internet "manners" . Yeah, I suppose you're right. It did hurt my feelings, though. It's just that I would have responded right after I read it. I don't care if I had 200 cases on my desk or was about to run out, I would have at least said "thanks." This is not a big deal right now, but if I were to be dating this girl, I would hope she'd make more of an effort to thank me for things like this.
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 MAbe that's it. She didn't anwser as she isn't sure what she wanted. I mean, had she answered, you'd have sent her another nice email and so on. It would have opened a channel of communication. Maybe she isn't sure she wants that. Give it time and watch if she responds your feelings before getting "dissapointed".
Mustard Bomb Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 I don't think I've ever thanked anyone for an internet card - I had no idea it was required and it seems a bit much. I think you're being a little intense and high-maintenance about this, especially since internet-card-thanking protocol is not established yet. It might turn her off to see you as an obligation instead a source of pleasure, so be careful with how you navigate this one.
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Mustard Bomb I don't think I've ever thanked anyone for an internet card - I had no idea it was required and it seems a bit much. I think you're being a little intense and high-maintenance about this, especially since internet-card-thanking protocol is not established yet. It might turn her off to see you as an obligation instead a source of pleasure, so be careful with how you navigate this one. You've never thanked anyone for an internet card? How is that different from a regular card, though? To me, it's the same thing as someone sending me a Christmas card in the regular mail - you have to at least acknowledge that you received it. I don't think I'm being "intense" or "high-maintenance" about this. In the past, I would have been. This would have been a letdown. These days, I just keep trodding forward. I know I can't let little things like this slow me down because you will always face little issues through the course of any relationship. Whereas I might have asked, "Did you get my card?" in the past, now I will just assume that she got it and say nothing. I have definitely improved in that respect I understand your comment about not being an obligation. I think I have done very well with the ebb and flow process of being kind and caring without being overbearing or placing any additional pressure on her. And this post is probably not specifically about her so much as it is about the lack of internet etiquette that exists out there.
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Lack of internet etiquette or ...interest? Think about what really buggs you .
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 She has told me she is interested. There are plans on the table to get together again, including Valentine's Day (if she doesn't have to work) and a baseball game in April. I almost get the feeling that she's interested but doesn't want me thinking too much too early. It's sort of like "reserved interest" until she's emotionally ready to date again.
Bronzepen Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Careful, your going to scare her away. Your treating her like a GF when she is not. She knows your interested and you said she is interested but maybe not ready. For now treat her like any other friend. Meaning, you don't send your friends e-cards or call them up in the morning to wish them a good day at class. Don't call her everyday (not sure if you are). Once a week or once every 2 weeks is fine. You have things lined up with her so wait till then. Not saying to ignore her but show her you have a life outside of her, you have other things going on. Good Luck.
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 You just answered your own question. Don't be that impatient and don't draw conclusions so quickly. And listen to BronzePen
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen Careful, your going to scare her away. Your treating her like a GF when she is not. She knows your interested and you said she is interested but maybe not ready. For now treat her like any other friend. Meaning, you don't send your friends e-cards or call them up in the morning to wish them a good day at class. Don't call her everyday (not sure if you are). Once a week or once every 2 weeks is fine. You have things lined up with her so wait till then. Not saying to ignore her but show her you have a life outside of her, you have other things going on. Good Luck. Thanks to folks on here, I have been coached well to keep a safe distance. I have gone with my gut a few times and successfully accomplished a few things that I'm sure I would have been scrutinized for. For example, most probably would have advised against yesterday's call, BUT she thought it was really nice that I did that. The fact that she picked up the phone to talk to me at 7AM is definitely a good sign, especially since she was getting ready for class. For now, I am just being her friend and being supportive of all the things she is going through. I am helping her deal with a persistently annoying ex, for which she has repeatedly thanked me many times. I think this must be hard on her, because she is fully aware that I like her but knows that she doesn't want to send the "romantic signals" until she is ready. It can be difficult wanting to be friends with someone that you know also has deeper feelings for you, so I grasp that. I call her about twice a week, which I think is pretty good. That gives her breaks from me without thinking that I am not interested in being there for her through these troubling times. As an aside, I don't think there is anything wrong with sending e-cards to friends. It's not like I sent her a dozen roses with a note that said "I hope you feel better".
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by crisp Don't be that impatient and don't draw conclusions so quickly. But I am impatient. I want results now! Lol.
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 What can I say? Have a cold beer when you get back home and watch a good match when you get back home . IT'll pass.
Pocky Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 To me, it's the same thing as someone sending me a Christmas card in the regular mail - you have to at least acknowledge that you received it. You thank people for Christmas cards? I thank people for gifts. I don't thank people for Christmas cards. And I wouldn't make a point of calling someone up to thank them for an e-card or sending them an email back right away. I'd probably just mention it the next time I talked to them.
Bronzepen Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Thanks to folks on here, I have been coached well to keep a safe distance. I have gone with my gut a few times and successfully accomplished a few things that I'm sure I would have been scrutinized for. For example, most probably would have advised against yesterday's call, BUT she thought it was really nice that I did that. The fact that she picked up the phone to talk to me at 7AM is definitely a good sign, especially since she was getting ready for class. Not really. I mean, she is not going to be cruel and mean to you and say, hey don't bother me. She is just being diplomatic. For now, I am just being her friend and being supportive of all the things she is going through. I am helping her deal with a persistently annoying ex, for which she has repeatedly thanked me many times. I think this must be hard on her, because she is fully aware that I like her but knows that she doesn't want to send the "romantic signals" until she is ready. It can be difficult wanting to be friends with someone that you know also has deeper feelings for you, so I grasp that. Oh no. This is not good. Your her emotional support and to be honest that's all your going to be. She might be stringing you along. Knowing how you feel about her, she will give you hints but not follow through because she just needs someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. She doens't want to hurt your feelings but she also doesn't want to lose your support. I really hope I am wrong. I call her about twice a week, which I think is pretty good. That gives her breaks from me without thinking that I am not interested in being there for her through these troubling times. Troubling times? Did her ex die or something? I don't know the whole story with her ex so I am guessing here. If she is talking so much about him then she might still miss him and want to get back with him. Also, does she call you and how often? As an aside, I don't think there is anything wrong with sending e-cards to friends. It's not like I sent her a dozen roses with a note that said "I hope you feel better". A huh.........if one of your male friends wasn't feeling well (not terminally ill or sick in bed), will you send him a "I hope you feel better" e-card? Treat her like any friend. Next time she calls you just say that your on your way out and that you will call her back. Even if your not. Then call her 2 days later. Don't apologies, just say you've been busy and what's up. Show her you have stuff going on.
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen She is just being diplomatic. I doubt it. She's previously told me that she only picks up the phone for people she wants to talk to. Everytime her phone has been on, she has picked up and talked to me. She could have chose to ignore my phone call and didn't. Oh no. This is not good. Your her emotional support and to be honest that's all your going to be. She might be stringing you along. Knowing how you feel about her, she will give you hints but not follow through because she just needs someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. She doens't want to hurt your feelings but she also doesn't want to lose your support. I really hope I am wrong. I'm not just her emotional support. She's doing quite well on her own, actually. And she doesn't want him back - she's trying to get rid of him. He wants her back and is almost being stalker-esque in doing so. She has told me that she doesn't think it would be fair to get involved with me until she is able to finally get rid of him. I think that's the biggest hurdle for her right now to being emotionally ready. Trust me, if I was just being used for emotional support, she would be calling or writing me for advice a lot more than she has. I have already decided that I am not going to get strung along or trapped in the "friends zone." I have done this by carefully reminding her that my interests are not strictly platonic. Also, does she call you and how often? She has never initiated much contact, but is always happy to talk to me when I do. I believe she is one of these old fashioned girls who believes that the guy should put forth the majority of the effort. I do believe that she will call more often once she feels like she may be able to seriously date again. I have lost too many chances by not doing enough or "pretending" to be busy. This time, I would rather fail by trying too hard than regret not doing enough.
Bronzepen Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles I doubt it. She's previously told me that she only picks up the phone for people she wants to talk to. Everytime her phone has been on, she has picked up and talked to me. She could have chose to ignore my phone call and didn't. Maybe, like you said she IS interested, just not ready. I'm not just her emotional support. She's doing quite well on her own, actually. And she doesn't want him back - she's trying to get rid of him. He wants her back and is almost being stalker-esque in doing so. She has told me that she doesn't think it would be fair to get involved with me until she is able to finally get rid of him. I think that's the biggest hurdle for her right now to being emotionally ready. Trust me, if I was just being used for emotional support, she would be calling or writing me for advice a lot more than she has. I have already decided that I am not going to get strung along or trapped in the "friends zone." I have done this by carefully reminding her that my interests are not strictly platonic. Her not being ready to date because she just broke up is one thing. This is understandable. Her not being ready to date until she is finally rid of her ex is another. This makes no sense. If it's over, it's over. If he is stalking or not leaving her alone and she has asked him to leave her alone but he won't listen. Then the next course is to threaten the ex with a restraining order. If he still doesn't listen then follow through with the threat. She has never initiated much contact, but is always happy to talk to me when I do. I believe she is one of these old fashioned girls who believes that the guy should put forth the majority of the effort. I do believe that she will call more often once she feels like she may be able to seriously date again. Your making excuses for her and your guessing. Not trying to sound mean. If she has not initiated much contact then that is not a good sign. I have lost too many chances by not doing enough or "pretending" to be busy. This time, I would rather fail by trying too hard than regret not doing enough. Be busy. DO date other girls. How long are you going to wait for her to be "ready" to date again? Your too hung up on one girl. She knows how you feel about her. She is not ready. The ball is in her court. She has to make the next move. When she is ready she will call you. If she doesn't, that's fine too. Believe me when I say this. Try hard and your going to fall hard.
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Man, most folks on these boards are always so rough. Lol. It's not that I don't appreciate honest opinions, but optimism often seems so absent from these threads.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Agreed with most here: chill out and don't push too aggressively. The last thing you want to do is make yourself an obligation. If someone sends me something out of friendliness and then gets angry with me about why I didn't immediately show how grateful I was for it - then I can't help but to question the motives. Did they give it just so I'd be obligated to be grateful and show them how thankful I am for what they did? Did they give me something just to elicit a certain response? Then it creeps me out, and I back off depending on how much they blow it out of proportion. She could also simply just be one of those people who don't really care one way or other about ecards. You took a lot of time picking one out and invested a lot of emotion into it - she has no way of knowing that though. She could have just seen it as a small cute gesture and thought nothing more of it. Either way, you will not want to make a big deal out of it if you don't want to scare her away.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Man, most folks on these boards are always so rough. Lol. It's not that I don't appreciate honest opinions, but optimism often seems so absent from these threads. there is a difference between being "optimistic" and "realistic"
Bronzepen Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Man, most folks on these boards are always so rough. Lol. It's not that I don't appreciate honest opinions, but optimism often seems so absent from these threads. Yes, half empty glass is the norm on LS. Most of us are here (LS) because of one relationship "tragedy" or another. So while we might say, your going to be fine. The big BUT will follow with "this might not work" so be ready for the fall. I really hope things work out for you.
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Either way, you will not want to make a big deal out of it if you don't want to scare her away. Yeah, I just need to chill out. I guess I just want something to happen, ya know? I am finally ready to get into a new relationship and perhaps I'm a little frustrated with having to wait. And yes, I know the credo about how good things come to those who wait. And I am completely respectful of her situation, but that doesn't always mean that it's easy on me. I probably wouldn't be making such a big deal over an insignificant e-card if I didn't see a lot of potential with me and her. I guess I kind of get passionate about things that are important to me. I agree that it could have meant little to her. Some people just don't think stuff like that isn't anything to write home about, and I'll have to learn to accept that. I do think that some people just aren't big on e-mail to begin with, regardless if it's an e-card or a simple "how are you?" message. Just because I love to use e-mail to communicate with others doesn't mean that they feel the same way. One thing's for certain - if this is bothering me for awhile, I definitely should "disappear" from her for a day or two. Nothing good comes of talking to someone when you are a little frustrated, etc.
Author iceisles Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen I really hope things work out for you. Thanks, I am really trying. I want to do things right. The problem with trying to handle a situation perfectly is that sometimes you start analyzing the smallest things, which can throw off your objectivity and drive you nuts.
Zoot Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Usually, if you have to wonder if someone is interested, they aren't. Or lets at least assume they aren't as interested as you are at this time. Sounds to me like she considers you a friend.
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