Shosh Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Let's say you have been seeing someone for a while and you notice that it is always you who initiates contact or asks the other person to meet. So you decide to pull back and see whether they make an effort and actually contact you first or ask you to get together. My question is, do you tell them or simply pull back? On the one hand I think that not telling them what you are doing is kinda passive-aggressive, on the other hand that might be the only way for you to see whether they will actually make an effort themselves. Thoughts?
todreaminblue Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 hey shosh what would be the way you would put that....i am pulling back because you never initiate so you do it or we dont progress.....seems a bit awkward ......i think just pulling back .......allows the person to progress naturally at the speed they like......if you really want to be with someone you make it happen and hope they feel; the same and its balanced in inti9ating and contact ...deb
Philosoraptor Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Effective communication will set a good standard for any relationship.
Author Shosh Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 what would be the way you would put that....i am pulling back because you never initiate so you do it or we dont progress Hey Deb, I was thinking more along the lines of: 'It seems to me like I am always the one messaging you and asking you to hang out. I don't really like a one-sided relationship, so I am going to stop doing that and let you drive that bus for a while.' I know, it is still awkward, but my fear is that if I don't say anything they will just assume that I lost interest. Unfortunately people often don't realize if the other person is doing all the work and they seem to be just along for the ride. And they also don't seem to think 'Well, she has initiated 5 times in a row, guess it is my turn for a while now'. Instead they might contact you once when you pull back, but then not do it again since they feel it is your turn to show interest. I was wondering if talking about it would get rid of a few miscommunications.
Author Shosh Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 I assume you're a guy. The thing is, as a guy you will have to initiate contact every time. That's just the way it is. Haha, I wish! I am actually a girl and while I am usually good at initiating contact only 50% of the time, sometimes I get into situations where I notice that I am the only one initiating contact and if I didn't I'd probably not hear from a guy for weeks and probably see him even less. Sounds like they are not interested, but what confuses me is that they are always quick to reply (within 30 minutes) and always react enthusiastically to my suggestions of a hangout ('I'd love to'). They just don't initiate those things themselves. What gives?
Thegreatestthing Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) When someone pulls away,you feel a loss which prompts action. But you don't need to tell them what you're doing. Let's say you have been seeing someone for a while and you notice that it is always you who initiates contact or asks the other person to meet. So you decide to pull back and see whether they make an effort and actually contact you first or ask you to get together. My question is, do you tell them or simply pull back? On the one hand I think that not telling them what you are doing is kinda passive-aggressive, on the other hand that might be the only way for you to see whether they will actually make an effort themselves. Thoughts? Edited January 17, 2014 by Thegreatestthing
Poppygoodwill Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I agree, you don't want to get into a passive-aggressive thing. That's not healthy. But I think there's a middle ground. Don't tell her your intention to pull away in order to test her interst, cause let's be honest, it's a test. But you could send the message in a sweeter way, ensuring she can't misinterpret, such as text her something like, "I'm around this week if you want to do something, give me a call. Looking forward to hanging out." So you're clearly putting the onus on her and you're saying you want to see her, so she can't misinterpret. Then wait. Don't call first. The other psoter is right; if you pull back, she will dance forward *if she genuinely likes you*. If she doesn't come forward, then you'll know the reason why you seem to have to do most of hte work. She's just not that into you. But give her a chance first. You'll know soon enough.
Author Shosh Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Don't tell her your intention to pull away in order to test her interst, cause let's be honest, it's a test. But you could send the message in a sweeter way, ensuring she can't misinterpret, such as text her something like, "I'm around this week if you want to do something, give me a call. Looking forward to hanging out." I like your advice. But I think you are assuming I am a guy. I am actually a girl and talking about a guy. Does the same advice apply? Thinking of it, I think I've done that in the past, saying something like: 'I'd love to see you, let me know when you are free' to which he replied 'Yeah, that would be great, how about Saturday?' So I was still the one A) initiating contact and B) asking him to get together.
RedRobin Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I'd pull back and see what they do. If they don't reciprocate, then you aren't compatible, or they aren't that interested, or both. I'm someone who has no problems initiating either (and I'm a woman). In the past, where I've been upfront and told them that I feel I'm the one doing the initiating and the impression it leaves... the outcome is the same. They might initiate once, but then things go back to how they were before. 2
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 No of course you don't tell them. If you tell them they will intentionally make more effort because you've literally just said "Hey you don't give me enough attention" Pull away if you choose too - if he or she simply can't be bothered they can't be worth that much of your precious time now can they? 2
Hopeful30 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I wouldn't tell them. Why? because if you say straight up "I'm pulling back" then they will either a) "Okay, sorry to hear that. Why?" or b) Try to prevent this. By NOT telling them, you will be able to judge by their ACTIONS, which are far more valuable than talking you out of it. 2
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I wouldn't tell them. Why? because if you say straight up "I'm pulling back" then they will either a) "Okay, sorry to hear that. Why?" or b) Try to prevent this. By NOT telling them, you will be able to judge by their ACTIONS, which are far more valuable than talking you out of it. Exactamundo, actions speak louder than words... If he's all talk no action which is the case he ain't worth you worrying anyway x
evade Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 some would get offended and it will have the opposite effect by pushing them away from you. like, ah, shes not interested, then screw her, theres enough women out there anyways. im not running after her. it can also work out where he sees youre not running after him and he will be suspicious as to why you havent contacted him and his mind will start to work overtime. he might think you have something cooking in the background and hes wondering why youre not contacting him. so it can go either way. I tried it before, and it didnt work out well for me. she got pissed because she said youre giving me all this attention then you disappear, screw you stop playing games. and I gave up the silly game. azvee et hashtuyot 1
ponchsox Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 If you are unhappy with any part of the relationship you have to communicate this to your partner. She will either respect you or if she's immature about it you may not be a good match.
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 If you are unhappy with any part of the relationship you have to communicate this to your partner. She will either respect you or if she's immature about it you may not be a good match. Quite honestly 8 times out of 10 if a woman says omg you never talk to me, you make no effort, why why why he will be turned off and make even less effort!! I am a woman, I did this and failed miserably. Sometimes you have to learn that some people don't give a crap about you and nothing you can do will make them. 2
Author Shosh Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 some would get offended and it will have the opposite effect by pushing them away from you. like, ah, shes not interested, then screw her, theres enough women out there anyways. im not running after her. azvee et hashtuyot That is what I am worried about. If I don't say anything but simply stop calling or asking him out, he might do the initiating once, but then he might not do it again thinking I have lost interest. ani menasa 1
Thegreatestthing Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Yea I thought I would like some space,since I asked for it ,but I find myself thinking of my ex,searching for other guys on OLD or making more effort with other guys and just fading out when they are not available.so who knows. But I still desire them. some would get offended and it will have the opposite effect by pushing them away from you. like, ah, shes not interested, then screw her, theres enough women out there anyways. im not running after her. it can also work out where he sees youre not running after him and he will be suspicious as to why you havent contacted him and his mind will start to work overtime. he might think you have something cooking in the background and hes wondering why youre not contacting him. so it can go either way. I tried it before, and it didnt work out well for me. she got pissed because she said youre giving me all this attention then you disappear, screw you stop playing games. and I gave up the silly game. azvee et hashtuyot
Hopeful30 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 That is what I am worried about. If I don't say anything but simply stop calling or asking him out, he might do the initiating once, but then he might not do it again thinking I have lost interest. If a man thinks you lost interest, it doesn't mean he will say "okay whatever". On the contrary, this pushes them to try harder. I understand you don't want him to think you lost interest, but if a woman losing interest is enough for him to say "meh, I'm done" then he's not for you girl! You want a man who's crazy about you and wants to keep your interest, otherwise you will end up always being the only one in this relationship and trust me, you will just get hurt more and more, I've been there. 1
evade Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 That is what I am worried about. If I don't say anything but simply stop calling or asking him out, he might do the initiating once, but then he might not do it again thinking I have lost interest. ani menasa Maybe slow it down a bit. if you called or sms every day then mix it up so youll still have contact but his mind will be confused because he knows you call at a specific time. keep him on his toes. that way youre not out of the picture but youre confusing him. then if he brings it up, you say "oh have been busy with my friends, going out" something like that. something to make him think you have your own life. youre having a good time, youre not depending on him. he has the power because youre asking him out like clockwork. mess it up a little and hell be curious. but if youre out of the picture, the damage may be done and he may walk away. and if its working then turn up the heat a little more. test it first. behatzlacha motek. 1
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