No contact/moving on with a child involved

January 16, 2014

My partner of 5 years left me 2 weeks ago. We have a 2 year old boy and her 9 year old.,She moved into the spare room. Looks like she is serious about this. She wants to hang out with me and the kids, still go on family holidays etc, and me be there for her through her depression, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I told her that this will not allow me to move on at all. This saddened her but she agreed. I feel like she's serious about us parting ways, but am thinking a few months part may change her mind. She is going to move out. Do I be there for her through this very tough time in her life or do I go no contact as much as possible? Our boy is autistic and we need to be on the same page with his speech therapy etc etc.

Someone please help really down and don't know what to do.

January 16, 2014

Is she getting treatment for her depression? Are you going to take the kids, if she is in the midst of a serious depression, she is in no place to be on her own with children and without help to care for them (I have had bouts of major depression, so I am familiar with how this effects family relationships and the ability to fulfill responsibilities).

Very sorry you are going through this....very hard with kids involved. No contact isn't really going to be possible if you both stay involved with the kids. The best you can do is low contact and keep it solely about parenting responsibilities.

Tough when kids are involved

January 16, 2014

Is she getting treatment for her depression? Are you going to take the kids, if she is in the midst of a serious depression, she is in no place to be on her own with children and without help to care for them (I have had bouts of major depression, so I am familiar with how this effects family relationships and the ability to fulfill responsibilities).

Very sorry you are going through this....very hard with kids involved. No contact isn't really going to be possible if you both stay involved with the kids. The best you can do is low contact and keep it solely about parenting responsibilities.

Tough when kids are involved

I have been pushing her to be treatment ie- counselling and phycologist. So far she has been to the doctor and been prescribed anti depressants. She also has anxiety attacks where she is gasping for air. We have no family In this town either so all we have is each other. I feel like I really want to be there for her through this (strictly as a shoulder to cry on)

When I told her a few days ago I'd have to vanish completely from her life in order to get over her she looked genuinely shocked and saddened.

Do I put my feelings aside for now and help her through this dark time? She definitely wants to move out but I could still be there for her just to help her through? Her family are a bit disjointed and don't offer much support to her so she really has no one.

My gut is telling me to help her through this.

January 16, 2014

I would say help her at this stage because of the kids but distance yourself from her emotionally. Help her for her sake not yours. Put in to action a plan to look after the kids while she tries and you try to get her some help. In other word now you must be a FRIEND.

I have been pushing her to be treatment ie- counselling and phycologist. So far she has been to the doctor and been prescribed anti depressants. She also has anxiety attacks where she is gasping for air. We have no family In this town either so all we have is each other. I feel like I really want to be there for her through this (strictly as a shoulder to cry on)

When I told her a few days ago I'd have to vanish completely from her life in order to get over her she looked genuinely shocked and saddened.
Do I put my feelings aside for now and help her through this dark time? She definitely wants to move out but I could still be there for her just to help her through? Her family are a bit disjointed and don't offer much support to her so she really has no one.
My gut is telling me to help her through this.

January 16, 2014

I would say help her at this stage because of the kids but distance yourself from her emotionally. Help her for her sake not yours. Put in to action a plan to look after the kids while she tries and you try to get her some help. In other word now you must be a FRIEND.

I guess the problem is I don't know how to distance myself from her emotionally, I'm still very much in love with her.

January 16, 2014

Put the house in order first regarding the kids. Then you are going to have to become a bit of an iceman. Its hard but the more you can be practical about this the better it will be. If she wants to reconcile at some pount she has got to see you as strong independent and in charge of your emotions. I had a similar situation so pls pm me if you want. Haydn

I guess the problem is I don't know how to distance myself from her emotionally, I'm still very much in love with her.

January 16, 2014

Put the house in order first regarding the kids. Then you are going to have to become a bit of an iceman. Its hard but the more you can be practical about this the better it will be. If she wants to reconcile at some pount she has got to see you as strong independent and in charge of your emotions. I had a similar situation so pls pm me if you want. Haydn

Thanks so much Haydn. She has always had trouble communicating with me. Lately she has been opening up little bits at a time as to how she's feeling and describing how the depression is making her feel. For the first time in a very long time I have actually really been listening and empathising with her.

My worry is that becoming the iceman and being detached emotionally may shy her away from opening up to me and helping her get through this.

Edited January 16, 2014 by InTheGrips

January 16, 2014

Its a tricky then. Maybe a balance of empathy and a listening ear but remaining guarded about yourself. Of course i am no expert on any of this. I just went through something similar. I didn`t want to make it up as i went along so i steeled myself. Its not easy but you have to preserve your feelings as well friend. Others here may have advice on doing this. And i am sure when they read they will respond, you have come to a good place. I have been helped so much with my recent disasters. Keep the eyes on the kiddies and you will somehow work it out. Keep posting and when you can, PM me.

Thanks so much Haydn. She has always had trouble communicating with me. Lately she has been opening up little bits at a time as to how she's feeling and describing how the depression is making her feel. For the first time in a very long time I have actually really been listening and empathising with her.
My worry is that becoming the iceman and being detached emotionally may shy her away from opening up to me and helping her get through this.

January 16, 2014

For the kids you can't cut all contact but you can limit contact to discussion about them & splitting up your assets to the extent they were co-mingled. Since you will still have the connection through the children, you will be able to see if she manages her depression. At that point, you can consider trying to reconcile & restart the relationship.

January 16, 2014

Its a tricky then. Maybe a balance of empathy and a listening ear but remaining guarded about yourself. Of course i am no expert on any of this. I just went through something similar. I didn`t want to make it up as i went along so i steeled myself. Its not easy but you have to preserve your feelings as well friend. Others here may have advice on doing this. And i am sure when they read they will respond, you have come to a good place. I have been helped so much with my recent disasters. Keep the eyes on the kiddies and you will somehow work it out. Keep posting and when you can, PM me.

Thanks Haydn I will pm you. You are right about this place, it has been amazingly helpful. I feel that's exactly what I'll do, try to preserve my feelings and focus on her well being. I don't want to come across cold yet don't want to be overbearing either. Time will tell I guess. I'll post updates just Incase it helps someone else some day

January 16, 2014

I really feel for your situation. Here is a link to an article I found about depressed partners. It helped me a lot. Maybe it will help you to.. I would try to put the kids first in everything, can't be easy having a depressed mother. Good luck, hope this article helps you.

5 Coping Strategies for loving someone experiencing depression | Thrive With Bipolar Disorder

January 17, 2014

I really feel for your situation. Here is a link to an article I found about depressed partners. It helped me a lot. Maybe it will help you to.. I would try to put the kids first in everything, can't be easy having a depressed mother. Good luck, hope this article helps you.

5 Coping Strategies for loving someone experiencing depression | Thrive With Bipolar Disorder

Thank you. That's a great article. Will read it a few times to let it sink in.

January 17, 2014

Haydn,

I am having trouble working out how to P.M you. Lol

January 18, 2014

So I've been leaving her alone and only making contact when she initiates it. Just wanted to share a little excerpt of a txt convo we had today.

Her: you ignoring me lol

Me: not at all. Just trying to give you space.

Her: ah... Had good day with kids today went to park then had lunch.

Me: that's right you had today off good stuff

Her: how are you?

Me: I'm ok. Just did hour at gym

Her: nice.

Me: how are you?

Her: I'm ok. I'm missing intimacy a bit. This is the longest in 5 years I've gone without.

Me: me too

Her: I'm even missing little things like being touched and little kisses

Me: I'm hearing you. I miss holding hands and spooning.

Her: yeah me too.

What do I read into this? Why would she tell me this? My minds racing now. Does she miss it with me or in general?

January 18, 2014

Hi,

So hard to read into what depressed partners are trying to say, I don't think they even know. My estranged depressed told me a few days ago I was his soulmate!!!! But I haven't seen him in weeks and barely speak to him.

Really I think their confusion is worse than ours. Like the article said, it's really hard to make sense of because they can't make sense for themselves. You just have to look after yourself first.

So I've been leaving her alone and only making contact when she initiates it. Just wanted to share a little excerpt of a txt convo we had today.

Her: you ignoring me lol
Me: not at all. Just trying to give you space.
Her: ah... Had good day with kids today went to park then had lunch.
Me: that's right you had today off good stuff
Her: how are you?
Me: I'm ok. Just did hour at gym
Her: nice.
Me: how are you?
Her: I'm ok. I'm missing intimacy a bit. This is the longest in 5 years I've gone without.
Me: me too
Her: I'm even missing little things like being touched and little kisses
Me: I'm hearing you. I miss holding hands and spooning.
Her: yeah me too.

What do I read into this? Why would she tell me this? My minds racing now. Does she miss it with me or in general?

January 19, 2014

Today she informed me she is moving out at the end of the week. She has been talking about it for a few weeks. A girl from her work has a spare room. She will stay with the kids at our house while I'm away at work and when I get home she will go to the unit. It's a short term plan. Maybe the space apart will be good. I'll stay supportive and make sure she knows I'm there for her.

January 19, 2014

Space is maybe a good solution.. My ex actually talked to me about his depression today for the first time since we "took space" (to me seperated) I think the trick is, to not ask them to make decisions but definitely set your own boundaries, otherwise you get a lot of bad behaviour with the depressed "get out of jail free card".

My ex actually is now going to get proper help, so maybe the space is working, but really really take care of yourself and the kids, because it is exhausting and emotional for the partner of a depressed person to go through this.

Today she informed me she is moving out at the end of the week. She has been talking about it for a few weeks. A girl from her work has a spare room. She will stay with the kids at our house while I'm away at work and when I get home she will go to the unit. It's a short term plan. Maybe the space apart will be good. I'll stay supportive and make sure she knows I'm there for her.

January 19, 2014

Space is maybe a good solution.. My ex actually talked to me about his depression today for the first time since we "took space" (to me seperated) I think the trick is, to not ask them to make decisions but definitely set your own boundaries, otherwise you get a lot of bad behaviour with the depressed "get out of jail free card".

My ex actually is now going to get proper help, so maybe the space is working, but really really take care of yourself and the kids, because it is exhausting and emotional for the partner of a depressed person to go through this.

Thanks for the advice. I have a long road ahead. I hope the space will give her a chance to miss me

January 19, 2014

She probably won't in the beginning. Sorry but depression is a really selfish condition. Read those articles, don't take it personally.

And keep posting here if you need to get out your frustration :-)

Thanks for the advice. I have a long road ahead. I hope the space will give her a chance to miss me

January 19, 2014

Sorry friend. I am keeping up with this. I was trying to work out a way to pm you as well. She will not miss you straight away and maybe not at all but thats not your aim here. She needs some help and the rest can come later. OK. Take care. Haydn Mathias.

Thanks for the advice. I have a long road ahead. I hope the space will give her a chance to miss me

January 20, 2014

So I get home this morning and decide to check the history on our home computer. Bad idea. She's been on a site called badoo. Basically an online dating/friends site. Absolutely devastated now and feeling sick in my stomach. I can see she's been looking at guys and girls. I can't find her profile so I'm unsure if she's looking for friends or a root. I really want to confront her about it this afternoon. How do I go about it?

I feel that if she wants to root other men I cannot stick around and help her, I will need to vanish from her life.

Is this unreasonable of me? This is gut wrenching.

January 20, 2014

You have the answer. Now its about you and the kid. Dont confront, dont do anything that lets her know you care. You are not unreasonable you are human friend. Be there for some support and when you have to make arrangements etc...But i think you know now. If you need to talk then look for me online. As i cannot pm you at the moment. I have been here where you are now. It can work out for all parties.

So I get home this morning and decide to check the history on our home computer. Bad idea. She's been on a site called badoo. Basically an online dating/friends site. Absolutely devastated now and feeling sick in my stomach. I can see she's been looking at guys and girls. I can't find her profile so I'm unsure if she's looking for friends or a root. I really want to confront her about it this afternoon. How do I go about it?
I feel that if she wants to root other men I cannot stick around and help her, I will need to vanish from her life.
Is this unreasonable of me? This is gut wrenching.

January 20, 2014

Hey,

Terrible for you. But it is only on-line looking. Leave it alone, don't confront it. Thing is sometimes people need to have a look from outside in, to get perspective on what they have. I know it feels ****. I am pretty sure my depressed ex/don't know what he is, has been on some dates. But that is all it is dates, not real, it is avoidance and distraction from the real problem.

Like Haydn said look after yourself and your children. Maybe you should also go on a date? Start researching what you want from life.... Might help. I did, and found out that actually I don't mind being alone at the moment with my boys but that there are still a lot of people willing to date if it is what I want.

Depression sucks, it turns great people into nutcases and they take you with them.

So I get home this morning and decide to check the history on our home computer. Bad idea. She's been on a site called badoo. Basically an online dating/friends site. Absolutely devastated now and feeling sick in my stomach. I can see she's been looking at guys and girls. I can't find her profile so I'm unsure if she's looking for friends or a root. I really want to confront her about it this afternoon. How do I go about it?
I feel that if she wants to root other men I cannot stick around and help her, I will need to vanish from her life.
Is this unreasonable of me? This is gut wrenching.

January 20, 2014

Hey,

Terrible for you. But it is only on-line looking. Leave it alone, don't confront it. Thing is sometimes people need to have a look from outside in, to get perspective on what they have. I know it feels ****. I am pretty sure my depressed ex/don't know what he is, has been on some dates. But that is all it is dates, not real, it is avoidance and distraction from the real problem.

Like Haydn said look after yourself and your children. Maybe you should also go on a date? Start researching what you want from life.... Might help. I did, and found out that actually I don't mind being alone at the moment with my boys but that there are still a lot of people willing to date if it is what I want.

Depression sucks, it turns great people into nutcases and they take you with them.

She wanted to talk about our sons living arrangements this afternoon. As we stated talking I could tell she was angry with me. One minute she's nice next minute I can feel hatred. Anyway she basically wants to move away from this town and she has no plan and no money. I cannot move for at least 6 months as I just took a new job and the roster doesn't suit fly in fly out. This makes her mad I feel she's so erratic that I'll be out at work one day and get a text saying she's taken my boy and left.

I feel she is envious of me. Apart from this breakup, my life is in order. I have a great Job with a huge mining company, nice amount of money in the bank and generally looking like a great future. She on the other hand has a lot of debt and minimum wage job wich I feel I'm getting blamed for.

Anyway, as the discussion went on she was being completely unreasonable and quite angry. She upped and left said she couldn't talk to me. My parting comment was why don't you get back on badoo and see if you can line yourself up a root. I went for a ride and got various texts from her. Saying that her ex keeps emailing her saying he's set up a profile on badoo and she wanted to look at it and laugh at his expense. She basically went on to say that she promises she s not rooting anyone else and doesn't want to for a very long time, but she doesnt care if I don't believe her. I don't really believe her. I don't understand why she doesn't block her ex email adress or shut down the account. I feel like the writings on the wall, she's a mystery wrapped in a enigma and she has cheated on me in the past. Time to let go. She is moving out on Friday, a large chunk of me cannot wait for her to go but I know it will hit me hard.

I don't think I'm anywhere near ready to date. I have self esteem issues and need to be happy on my own again. I'm horny as a goat and have considered going to the local establishment for some relief on the hope that it would help get over her but I'm not sure if it'll work.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, posting here somehow helps. Feels like you are not completely alone. I hope I can one day help someone else on here through a tough time

Edited January 20, 2014 by InTheGrips

January 27, 2014

The pains not going away it hurts how cool about this whole thing she is, like she checked out months ago.

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