It hurts too much

[confusedandhurt2002]

Sometimes it hurts too much. And dammit I wish he'd stop looking like a lost puppy all the time .. begging me with his eyes to look at him like I used to.

 

I know he's sorry and hurting, but I feel like I'm screaming inside.

 

He promised me he'd never cheat on me because of what she'd done to him and then he cheated. With her. I am so lost. I was sick when he cheated on me. I was trying to get my health back. He says I didn't pay attention to him but I didn't even know where I was. I was in a fog most of the time and doctors couldn't figure it out. And he slept with her while all of this was going on. He says it was once but he kept talking to her, planned to go to the state she moved to to visit or be with her or I don't even know what the hell. He says he wants to move forward and not keep talking about it.

 

I know he's right but it's been six months and I still just don't understand how he could sleep with it. It's ugly and fat and a beast.

 

But maybe it was really me who was and is te ugly one.

 

Idon't even knwo why he is still here if he hated me so much then...guilt? I don't even know....he says he woke up from a nightmare and realized he was going to lose me and wants to spend the rest of his life withme.

 

He is going to counseling and seeking answers for how he could do this -- he lied for a year to me -- how can a man just change.can they? Can they really just wake up from a fog and move forward again, a different person? I really don't know...

 

Just so sad today. Not making sense.

[harrybrown]

Sometimes people can wake up out of the fog.

 

It takes work, and determination. Does he have these traits?

[confusedandhurt2002]

With emotional stuff he doesn't have a history of that, no,but in other stuff yes. and he does seem very determined. It's hard, though because I have to fake my pain because if I don't he withdrawals, goes into rooms, closes doors and cries and I feel like s.hit.

 

 

I FEEL like s.hit. For having emotions.

 

Gah. IT's hard because I know he's in absolute remorse. He has emotional breakdowns and sometimes we'll be talking about the past year and he'll just break down.

 

It's painful for me to see but when I am in pain he just says "I'm helpless t to help you" and he leaves for work or anywhere oher than near me. THat's not always bad, but sometime it's like he's saying "I just don't want to deal with this anymore.."

 

He doesn't want to go back to a marriage counselor because he says it will just drag it all out again and we'll rehash all the old stuff again. He may be right.

 

I really don't know.

 

I just don't know if he has been completely honest about everything because he knows how much pain I am already in...he's probably afraid to tell me anything else.

 

My heart goes out to him in some ways...it does. I hate seeing him in emotional turmoil ...still...this sounds mean but he is the one who slept with a diseased POS. He put himself there. I've done my best not to keep pushing him there but i can't talk about my pain withou him sinking into absolute dispair. I

 

I try to limit my tears to closed doors and with my counselo bt sometimes I just get overwhelmed. Next month is hte month he said he slept with her I am dreading it.

 

Sometimes people can wake up out of the fog.

 

It takes work, and determination. Does he have these traits?

[Steadfast]

If what you've written is true, then you are truly living in an intolerable situation. Going only by your words, it is clear he's manipulating you.

 

For now, forget him. What do you want confused? A happy marriage? Your old life? What would make you feel better, allow you to heal and move on?

 

The affair was about his needs and the recon is about his needs. IMO, what he needs is a boot up his arse. That'll give him something new to cry about. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure you're enabling him. Are you afraid of him? Afraid of divorce? Are you afraid to tell him that certain things must happen (and keep happening) for you to heal? Lot's of question marks in this paragraph confused...that's because there are serious questions regarding this so called 'recon'.

 

Betrayed all come to the same crossroads. Some are forced, some go willingly. You must decide if he can sustain his end of the bargain. Frankly, after reading what you've written, he's had you on the run from the start. You have the option to live as you wish, but is that really what you want?

[harrybrown]

He is sorry for either getting caught or for cheating.

 

He sounds like an emotional roller coaster, which cheating can cause.

 

But he is not helping you. If he will not go to counseling, will he either read books or read them with you?

 

There are several mentioned here that would be helpful, but if he will not help or read, this delays your years that it takes to heal.

 

I would try the reading, but you still have to talk about it.

[tired girl]

What your husband is in right now is regret, not remorse. Remorse has the ability to deal with the others persons pain and your husband is not doing that with you.

 

You need to tell him that he is on the verge of losing you if he cannot put his own pain on the shelf and help you with yours. He is still putting himself first by acting like this. He is doing this in order to get you to stop. Tell him he has to STOP doing this.

 

He blew up the marriage and now he wants to still have things his way. Well that stopped the minute that he did this. Tell him to get over himself and listen to your pain and stop listening to his own. He needs a different IC if he has not gotten to this point yet.

 

Do not rugsweep your pain. His is not more important than yours. Big hugs, I am so sorry that this happened to you.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I think you are right but I don't think he even understands what he is doing. His counselor is not calling back for some reason but I have a feeling when he finally gets an appointment with her that's what she will tell him.

 

My husband had a crap childhood which is NOT an excuse for what he did but it helps to explain a bit of how he is reacting. He has been remorseful and understanding of my feelings at times. Truly...he really has tried to help understand my pain and help me deal with it, but it's going on six months and sometimes I feel like he just feels like I should move on now and be over it. He has NEVER, ever said this. EVER. I just get that feeling by how he sighs and reacts sometimes.

 

He does seem to act that way so I'll let it go and that drives me bonkers!

 

What your husband is inright now is regret, not remorse. Remorse has the ability to deal with the others persons pain and your husband is not doing that with you.

 

You need to tell him that he is on the verge of losing you if he cannot put his own pain on the shelf and help you with yours. He is still putting himself first by acting like this. He is doing this in order to get you to stop. Tell him he has to STOP doing this.

 

He blew up the marriage and now he wants to still have things his way. Well that stopped the minute that he did this. Tell him to get over himself and listen to your pain and stop listening to his own. He needs a different IC if he has not gotten to this point yet.

 

Do not rugsweep your pain. His is not more important than yours. Big hugs, I am so sorry that this happened to you.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I think you are right, but this time, unlike during the affair, he is unaware that he is manipulating me. I THINK anyhow. I think he is also manipulating himself because he has it in his head that if he just does all this hugging and making me dinner and running errands then we'll never have to discuss it and everything is fine.

 

What do I want? somedays I want out. I want a real man who doesn't run to someone else instead of communicating with me. I want a man wh isnt spineless and who doesn't get cheated on and 15 years later go right back and stick his dick back in that STD ridden POS.

 

I want someone "perfect" I guess and that is unrealistic. And what I really want is to be back when we first got married and learn all I've been learning now so that this doesn't happen. I want to wake up in the morning and have all of this having been just a horrible nightmare and not real. Because right now I wake up every morning and remember I'm the girl who wasn't woman enough to keep her husband from running back to a bitch and selfish ****head that took his money.

 

If what you've written is true, then you are truly living in an intolerable situation. Going only by your words, it is clear he's manipulating you.

 

For now, forget him. What do you want confused? A happy marriage? Your old life? What would make you feel better, allow you to heal and move on?

 

The affair was about his needs and the recon is about his needs. IMO, what he needs is a boot up his arse. That'll give him something new to cry about. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure you're enabling him. Are you afraid of him? Afraid of divorce? Are you afraid to tell him that certain things must happen (and keep happening) for you to heal? Lot's of question marks in this paragraph confused...that's because there are serious questions regarding this so called 'recon'.

 

Betrayed all come to the same crossroads. Some are forced, some go willingly. You must decide if he can sustain his end of the bargain. Frankly, after reading what you've written, he's had you on the run from the start. You have the option to live as you wish, but is that really what you want?

[confusedandhurt2002]

Addition ... .she took "our" money and he gave it to her willingly. THe first thing I did after I found out how much he spent on her sorry ass was to demand he start an account for our son to make sure his college is taken care of in case my husband decides to be a dumbass again and spend all that money on a stupid selfish whore again,

[thummper]

Sometimes it hurts too much. And dammit I wish he'd stop looking like a lost puppy all the time .. begging me with his eyes to look at him like I used to.

 

I know he's sorry and hurting, but I feel like I'm screaming inside.

 

He promised me he'd never cheat on me because of what she'd done to him and then he cheated. With her. I am so lost. I was sick when he cheated on me. I was trying to get my health back. He says I didn't pay attention to him but I didn't even know where I was. I was in a fog most of the time and doctors couldn't figure it out. And he slept with her while all of this was going on. He says it was once but he kept talking to her, planned to go to the state she moved to to visit or be with her or I don't even know what the hell. He says he wants to move forward and not keep talking about it.

 

I know he's right but it's been six months and I still just don't understand how he could sleep with it. It's ugly and fat and a beast.

 

But maybe it was really me who was and is te ugly one.

 

Idon't even knwo why he is still here if he hated me so much then...guilt? I don't even know....he says he woke up from a nightmare and realized he was going to lose me and wants to spend the rest of his life withme.

 

He is going to counseling and seeking answers for how he could do this -- he lied for a year to me -- how can a man just change.can they? Can they really just wake up from a fog and move forward again, a different person? I really don't know...

 

Just so sad today. Not making sense.

 

 

 

I'm so sad that you're feeling this way, Confused. It is possible for someone to wake up from the fog, come to their senses, and try like hell to make up for the heartache they've caused. I know that because I'm a living example of it. It's something I deal with every day, and it's sooo hard to prove myself. If you can find it in your heart, please consider that your husband is truly remorseful and desperate to earn your forgiveness.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I missed this earlier. I don't think he is sorry for getting caught as much as the actual cheating. Truly. We've had some incidents that make me believe this. He is very emotionally unstable, but I mean in the way that he has breakdowns, not in violent ways toward me or himself, thankfully! Violence threatened toward himself early on but not recently.

 

He will read actually and he has started recently quoting things to me he's read after I've gone to bed. That surprised me.

 

THank you, by the way.

He is sorry for either getting caught or for cheating.

 

He sounds like an emotional roller coaster, which cheating can cause.

 

But he is not helping you. If he will not go to counseling, will he either read books or read them with you?

 

There are several mentioned here that would be helpful, but if he will not help or read, this delays your years that it takes to heal.

 

I would try the reading, but you still have to talk about it.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I'm so sad that you're feeling this way, Confused. It is possible for someone to wake up from the fog, come to their senses, and try like hell to make up for the heartache they've caused. I know that because I'm a living example of it. It's something I deal with every day, and it's sooo hard to prove myself. If you can find it in your heart, please consider that your husband is truly remorseful and desperate to earn your forgiveness.

 

Thank you thummper. I will consider this and I am. Some days I just doubt and break and question it all over again. I'm sure I'll eventually stop doing this as often. I'm about six months into this so I know I have a long way to go. Thanks again.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I just reread what I wrote too. Man....I was so rude about the OW. Ugh. Like I'm only blaming her. I'm not. And to trash her like that is wrong really. Just my anger speaking. I shouldn't do that, I know. But sometimes it just comes out in angry tones.

[TheBladeRunner]

I just reread what I wrote too. Man....I was so rude about the OW. Ugh. Like I'm only blaming her. I'm not. And to trash her like that is wrong really. Just my anger speaking. I shouldn't do that, I know. But sometimes it just comes out in angry tones.

 

Forgive yourself, it's normal especially if the AP KNEW that you H was married. During trickle truth time with my XW, I asked if OM knew she was married and had a family, she said yes, he continued anyway. I don't know if it's because I am a decent person (I try to be) or what, but there is no way I would EVER mess with another man's wife or girlfriend. Because he knew I felt it was his fault too.

 

Believing what I do about that is sometimes why I got really angry I think; who does that? Messes with someone else's spouse? When we discover what they have done it's hard for anyone to deal with. If you are looking to R, take care of you. He needs to fix himself. I bailed on mine as the probability of her looking at herself was minimal at best. Hang in there OP it'll be alright, look after "YOU" .

[confusedandhurt2002]

Thank you for the encouragement. I am trying to focus on me and helping myself heal too.

 

She absolutely knew he was married. She absolutely knew we had a little boy. SHe's married too--three kids, a cheating husband herself and I guess this was her revenge. Can't believe my husband was stupid enough t be her revenge affair.

 

Forgive yourself, it's normal especially if the AP KNEW that you H was married. During trickle truth time with my XW, I asked if OM knew she was married and had a family, she said yes, he continued anyway. I don't know if it's because I am a decent person (I try to be) or what, but there is no way I would EVER mess with another man's wife or girlfriend. Because he knew I felt it was his fault too.

 

Believing what I do about that is sometimes why I got really angry I think; who does that? Messes with someone else's spouse? When we discover what they have done it's hard for anyone to deal with. If you are looking to R, take care of you. He needs to fix himself. I bailed on mine as the probability of her looking at herself was minimal at best. Hang in there OP it'll be alright, look after "YOU" .

[Steadfast]

I want to wake up in the morning and have all of this having been just a horrible nightmare and not real.

 

That option is not available to you.

 

Otherwise, you'll have to work for what you want, but you'd have to do that anyway...happily married or not. Happiness and fulfillment are not 'rights'. Like everything good and worth having, they must be earned.

 

Even the perfect husband won't make you happy if you're not happy with yourself. In fact, you'd probably end up resenting him for being perfect.

 

You must clear the air with him and lay it out. Watch how you react to him...this may be why he shuts down. If he is unwilling or unable to share in the problems and openly work on the healing, then leave him. That is a right you do have. Loving him isn't enough. You must respect each other.

[turnera]

I have to fake my pain because if I don't he withdraws, goes into rooms, closes doors and cries and I feel like s.hit.

 

I know he's in absolute remorse. He has emotional breakdowns and sometimes we'll be talking about the past year and he'll just break down.

 

It's painful for me to see but when I am in pain he just says "I'm helpless to help you" and he leaves for work or anywhere other than near me. That's not always bad, but sometimes it's like he's saying "I just don't want to deal with this anymore."

 

He doesn't want to go back to a marriage counselor because he says it will just drag it all out again and we'll rehash all the old stuff again.

 

confused, you are being played. What you describe IS NOT ABSOLUTE REMORSE. It's words and fake tears and fake breaking down, ALL DESIGNED TO GET YOU TO SUCK IT UP AND SHUT UP AND DROP IT.

 

IF he were really remorseful, he wouldn't say a WORD about how he feels. He would stand there and let you chew him out cos he'd know he deserves it. He'd give up everything you asked him to. He'd make the MC appointments HIMSELF.

 

He is manipulating you, and you are letting him.

[turnera]

Can't believe my husband was stupid enough to be her revenge affair.

 

I can't believe you BELIEVE that he is the victim here. He WANTED her. He wanted her AND you. It's called cake eating. Until he got caught.

[confusedandhurt2002]

You seem to have a lot of anger.

 

How badly were you hurt?

 

I can't believe you BELIEVE that he is the victim here. He WANTED her. He wanted her AND you. It's called cake eating. Until he got caught.

[turnera]

I have never been cheated on (that I know of). The only anger I feel is when I watch women give cheating/abusive husbands leeway to continue to harm the women, and make excuses for them.

 

 

I DO, however, have a lot of knowledge about women being abused. And you are showing all the signs. I'm trying to keep you from making the same mistakes so many other women make because they are gentler, more generous, and more willing to overlook pain to themselves, for the sake of keeping a man.

Edited January 18, 2014 by turnera

[turnera]

Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.

A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger - anger for showing them what they don't want to see (the consequences of their actions).

Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad.

Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances.

Someone really remorseful doesn't want to repeat a harmful action - they aren't even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability.

Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability - guilt happens when someone runs from it.

Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you".

Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did".

Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.

Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.

Remorse means learning from one's harmful actions.

Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn't likely.

Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them.

Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one's life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture - although a person struggling with guilt will blame others.

Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.

Guilt leads to self hatred.

Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused.

Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused.

[turnera]

Is it real remorse? Or is it genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse (GINR)? You know, sort of looks like the real thing, but upon closer inspection is a cheap fake. Here’s a handy check list to help you distinguish.1. Humility. Cheating is about entitlement. Being truly sorry is about humility. That means the cheater doesn’t go first in anything for a loooong time. Their grievances about the marriage, for instance. Their “healing.” (Grieving the affair partner? Give me a ****ing break.) Remorse is the cheater recognizing their place on the food chain — which is grovel level for as long as the chump needs it. That means a chump’s grief is not met with dismissive anger. That means there are no false equivalencies. (Well, you suck too!) True remorse is a deep awareness that infidelity broke a sacred trust, and you are not owed reconciliation.

2. Initiative. Real remorse books its own shrink appointments. Real remorse does the homework. Real remorse does not need to be cajoled, wheedled, or dragged by its ear. Real remorse buys the books and reads the books. GINR waits for you to do it, and then finds a very good reason to be too busy.

3. Honesty. You can’t cheat on someone without lying to them. Real remorse spits out the truth. All of the truth, and it doesn’t editorialize and say things like “she really needed me” or “he was just a friend.” Real remorse answers the same questions over and over and over again and gives truthful, consistent answers. (None of which is “I don’t know.”) If real remorse doesn’t know, real remorse does whatever it can to find out. Real remorse doesn’t balk at a polygraph. GINR thinks polygraphs are expensive and unreliable. Real remorse will do whatever it must to give you peace of mind even if real remorse thinks it’s pointless.

4. Patience. Real remorse understands that repairing a relationship after infidelity is a long haul with dubious prospects. GINR wants to you to “get over it” already because hey, it said it was sorry.

5. Ownership. See Humility. Real remorse wears the shame. Real remorse takes responsibility for the fallout. Real remorse is okay if you tell people, because you need the support. GINR wants you to protect its image. GINR blame shifts and says “we all brought issues to this marriage that led me to cheat.” GINR minimizes and obfuscates.

6. Recompense. Real remorse understands that reconciliation is a risky investment. GINR wants you to assume all that risk and how dare you ask for any assurances, because don’t you trust me? Real remorse puts its money where its mouth is with a post-nup with an infidelity clause. A completely useless document if the cheater never cheats again, which of course, only the cheater has control over. Real remorse pays your legal bill. Real remorse compensates you and your children for every dime spent on the affair(s). Real remorse recognizes that there are financial and time losses as real as the emotional ones. Time and heartbreak cannot be recompensed. Money can. Real remorse says, it’s the least I can do.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I know it may sound this way to you based on what you are seeing here. It's hard to explain everything ina few posts, so I do appreciate yuor concern, but I can assure you I am not sacrificing myself for the sake of a man. Not at all. There is much more to my story and I am not willing to overlook my pain at all. Not at all. I am not fighting to keep my husband so much as I am fighting FOR someone I believe is worth fighting for. It may not seem like he is based on what I have written on here, however.

 

I haven't detailed some of the positives here because like a journal, I seem to only get on here when I am down about it all. Therefore much of what I ramble about here is dark and ugly and negative.

 

I'm well aware of his past manipulations, of his lies and his efforts to protect himself. And he is now aware of it and he is in counseling. He calls the counselor and in the past he has called our pastor for counsel as well.

 

He has urged us to go to a marriage counselor in the past but before this week we were doing well and I think he was afraid another session would drag more stuff out and create more anger. What he doesn't get is that the anger I have is still there, buried inside, so truly, going to counseling sessions are still needed to make sure we are still adressing the many issues we have.

 

I am not excusing his behavior. I am not condoning it. I am not saying "all is OK and I'll do what makes him happy." Not at all. ever. What he did to me was wrong and it will be a very long time before I forgive him .. if ever.

 

At the same time, I understand how a person can become weak and lose sight of themself. I did it for about a month and there was no sex involved and it was after learning about the affair my husband had. It was flirting messages with a friend who is married as well and I stopped it because I realized I was in pain and he had issues in his marriage and I was becoming what I hated about my husband. What I can't understand is how you can do it for over a year...no matter how depressed you are from the death of a loved one, which my husband was. I've told him this over and ove and over again. I don't understand that or going back to a person who treated him so awful and who I tried to pick the pieces up from.

 

OK. Now I'm going to go read your other posts to be sure I understand the rest of what you've shared.

 

I have never been cheated on (that I know of). The only anger I feel is when I watch women give cheating/abusive husbands leeway to continue to harm the women, and make excuses for them.

 

 

I DO, however, have a lot of knowledge about women being abused. And you are showing all the signs. I'm trying to keep you from making the same mistakes so many other women make because they are gentler, more generous, and more willing to overlook pain to themselves, for the sake of keeping a man.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I'm reading this and my husband had bounced back and forth between both but is currently more in the remorse stage.Honestly! Not just saying that to cover for him! I really am serious. He's not all the way there, but he is working and understanding the differences through meetings with his counselor.

 

 

Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.

A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger - anger for showing them what they don't want to see (the consequences of their actions).

Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad.

Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances.

Someone really remorseful doesn't want to repeat a harmful action - they aren't even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability.

Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability - guilt happens when someone runs from it.

Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you".

Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did".

Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.

Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.

Remorse means learning from one's harmful actions.

Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn't likely.

Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them.

Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one's life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture - although a person struggling with guilt will blame others.

Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.

Guilt leads to self hatred.

Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused.

Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Thanks for this! Great list to look back at and learn from!

 

Is it real remorse? Or is it genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse (GINR)? You know, sort of looks like the real thing, but upon closer inspection is a cheap fake. Here’s a handy check list to help you distinguish.1. Humility. Cheating is about entitlement. Being truly sorry is about humility. That means the cheater doesn’t go first in anything for a loooong time. Their grievances about the marriage, for instance. Their “healing.” (Grieving the affair partner? Give me a ****ing break.) Remorse is the cheater recognizing their place on the food chain — which is grovel level for as long as the chump needs it. That means a chump’s grief is not met with dismissive anger. That means there are no false equivalencies. (Well, you suck too!) True remorse is a deep awareness that infidelity broke a sacred trust, and you are not owed reconciliation.

2. Initiative. Real remorse books its own shrink appointments. Real remorse does the homework. Real remorse does not need to be cajoled, wheedled, or dragged by its ear. Real remorse buys the books and reads the books. GINR waits for you to do it, and then finds a very good reason to be too busy.

3. Honesty. You can’t cheat on someone without lying to them. Real remorse spits out the truth. All of the truth, and it doesn’t editorialize and say things like “she really needed me” or “he was just a friend.” Real remorse answers the same questions over and over and over again and gives truthful, consistent answers. (None of which is “I don’t know.”) If real remorse doesn’t know, real remorse does whatever it can to find out. Real remorse doesn’t balk at a polygraph. GINR thinks polygraphs are expensive and unreliable. Real remorse will do whatever it must to give you peace of mind even if real remorse thinks it’s pointless.

4. Patience. Real remorse understands that repairing a relationship after infidelity is a long haul with dubious prospects. GINR wants to you to “get over it” already because hey, it said it was sorry.

5. Ownership. See Humility. Real remorse wears the shame. Real remorse takes responsibility for the fallout. Real remorse is okay if you tell people, because you need the support. GINR wants you to protect its image. GINR blame shifts and says “we all brought issues to this marriage that led me to cheat.” GINR minimizes and obfuscates.

6. Recompense. Real remorse understands that reconciliation is a risky investment. GINR wants you to assume all that risk and how dare you ask for any assurances, because don’t you trust me? Real remorse puts its money where its mouth is with a post-nup with an infidelity clause. A completely useless document if the cheater never cheats again, which of course, only the cheater has control over. Real remorse pays your legal bill. Real remorse compensates you and your children for every dime spent on the affair(s). Real remorse recognizes that there are financial and time losses as real as the emotional ones. Time and heartbreak cannot be recompensed. Money can. Real remorse says, it’s the least I can do.