psm04 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I was replying to the thread about the hardest part of ending the A, and that triggered me to post this. Has anyone experienced this at the end of their A, where their AP's "true colors" showed up? I mean, I ended the A with my xAp for good a month ago. And he has been playing games, trying to trigger me, doing and saying things that are just hurtful, etc. I mean, the person that he was when we were friends/APs is so different than the person I'm dealing with now. He has said some really hurtful things, and I'm not sure if they were said on purpose because he is hurt as well, but I don't get it. He is not getting a divorce. I want to stay in a M that's real and be focused on my H. So it makes sense to let each other go. It's respectful. However, he told me things that made me feel like he's trying to make me upset, manipulate me, trying to make me feel guilty and/or obligated to cross the line with him again, etc. How can a person like this love his wife OR their AP? It seems to me that he cannot. Anyway, I'm not reacting or budging. This stuff isn't working like it did in the past. I'm just curious as to whether other people have experienced this where their xAP became plain nasty/low after the A ended when they didn't want it to end. I'm glad in some ways that he's being a jerk, because it is much easier to get over him and stay over him. I could never be in a real relationship with a man who has acted and talked to me the way he has. 1
Realist3 Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 I was replying to the thread about the hardest part of ending the A, and that triggered me to post this. Has anyone experienced this at the end of their A, where their AP's "true colors" showed up? I mean, I ended the A with my xAp for good a month ago. And he has been playing games, trying to trigger me, doing and saying things that are just hurtful, etc. I mean, the person that he was when we were friends/APs is so different than the person I'm dealing with now. He has said some really hurtful things, and I'm not sure if they were said on purpose because he is hurt as well, but I don't get it. He is not getting a divorce. I want to stay in a M that's real and be focused on my H. So it makes sense to let each other go. It's respectful. However, he told me things that made me feel like he's trying to make me upset, manipulate me, trying to make me feel guilty and/or obligated to cross the line with him again, etc. How can a person like this love his wife OR their AP? It seems to me that he cannot. Anyway, I'm not reacting or budging. This stuff isn't working like it did in the past. I'm just curious as to whether other people have experienced this where their xAP became plain nasty/low after the A ended when they didn't want it to end. I'm glad in some ways that he's being a jerk, because it is much easier to get over him and stay over him. I could never be in a real relationship with a man who has acted and talked to me the way he has. I would say the motivations behind his behavior are pretty clear. He is hurt. At the same time, that in no way excuses what he has done; and does show his true colors. Consider what you learned a great lesson, and a potential disaster averted. 2
Quiet Storm Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 He's upset that he didn't get his way. If you are aware of it and pay attention, you can see a manipulative person try different tactics to get what they want. First, they may ask nicely. Then they might be sad and try to gain your sympathy. They might try to make you laugh and be buddies to soften you up. They might use your sexual attraction to make you weak. When all else fails, they get mad, get mean, throw tantrums...and you are thinking, who is this person? He has probably done this to his wife many times. One of the ways to judge character is to watch how a person handles stress, adversity and conflict. It's easy to be a fun and caring person when everything is going your way. It's much harder to hide their true colors when people start to see through the bullshlt. 7
Author psm04 Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 If you are aware of it and pay attention, you can see a manipulative person try different tactics to get what they want. First, they may ask nicely. Then they might be sad and try to gain your sympathy. They might try to make you laugh and be buddies to soften you up. They might use your sexual attraction to make you weak. When all else fails, they get mad, get mean, throw tantrums...and you are thinking, who is this person? Wow, this has happened in almost the same order with he and I. With this particular instance, it first started off with a nice email, which I didn't respond to. Then he did a couple of things in his sneaky passive way that triggered me, but I didn't visibly react or confront him about it. Then he reached out to me again, and me not responding in a favorable manner led to a conversation that went in all kinds of directions (I should have not responded, but I did, and I own that). That's when he said some hurtful things, tried to say things to make me feel guilty, etc. In the past, he's done everything you just talked about. The being buddies thing, softening me up.. It was so obvious. I remember several times when I knew instantly based on his behavior that he was needing something from me - be it something A related, or something he needed from me for work. And I was always right.
Wambo Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I was replying to the thread about the hardest part of ending the A, and that triggered me to post this. Has anyone experienced this at the end of their A, where their AP's "true colors" showed up? I mean, I ended the A with my xAp for good a month ago. And he has been playing games, trying to trigger me, doing and saying things that are just hurtful, etc. I mean, the person that he was when we were friends/APs is so different than the person I'm dealing with now. He has said some really hurtful things, and I'm not sure if they were said on purpose because he is hurt as well, but I don't get it. He is not getting a divorce. I want to stay in a M that's real and be focused on my H. So it makes sense to let each other go. It's respectful. However, he told me things that made me feel like he's trying to make me upset, manipulate me, trying to make me feel guilty and/or obligated to cross the line with him again, etc. How can a person like this love his wife OR their AP? It seems to me that he cannot. Anyway, I'm not reacting or budging. This stuff isn't working like it did in the past. I'm just curious as to whether other people have experienced this where their xAP became plain nasty/low after the A ended when they didn't want it to end. I'm glad in some ways that he's being a jerk, because it is much easier to get over him and stay over him. I could never be in a real relationship with a man who has acted and talked to me the way he has. A supervisor at work has the same quailities and is nothing but trouble. End of the day they are pathetic beings trying to walk over others. When they don't get their way they go to the extreme to get their targets under their control. Just make sure you aren't left alone in the same room as him. This when you often see their darker sides when they don't get their own way.
hippetyhop Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 When my xMM and I ended, he left it as "I need you as a friend. Everything else will fall into place. As this is what I need for right now." My guess is the BS still has him on a tight leash and even anything underground was too much for him him. Or, he grew a conscience and quit having an A.
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