What should I be doing?

[Murtz]

Throughout the entire 3 years of our relationship, my now ex always initiated everything. She would always set up when we had our dates, she would text first, call first etc. I never went out of the way to do it, because she just always did and it worked out that way. Sometimes though she mentioned that she thought she loved me more than I loved her and she never had a problem showing how much she cared.

 

I was going through a G.I.G.S. phase myself, but I did not want to break up because I did not want to lose her forever. We had to start a long distance relationship for a few months and I decided I would use this time to get over my G.I.G.S, in which I did have a couple months. She was worried that it wouldn't work, but she was reassured when we remember how well it worked in this past. However I did not come and visit as often as I did the first time. The first I visited every 3rd weekend, this time was more like ever 6.

 

When I came to see her for the holidays for the month, she broke up with me. She said that she didn't feel like I was putting enough into the relationship and that I never initiated contact. She didn't feel wanted or needed. Also when I was going through my G.I.G.S. I let video games take priority over her, but like I said I got over G.I.G.S. a couple months before we broke up.

 

I asked why she didn't talk to me about this and she said that she thought I would not have changed. I told her that I wouldn't change my personality, but I could have changed my behavior, I had no idea my actions were really hurting her as much as they were. She said she was unhappy when I was away and unhappy when I was around because I did not make her a priority. She assume so much about me and how I felt, but didn't talk to me about it and just acted.

 

I spent the whole next month trying showing her how much I cared with various grand gestures and she took them to heart and would be in tears because she did not know how much she cared for me. We even went on a date in which she said later that she was really happy with it. She said that she still needs time to think about what she wants in us and in her life to see if she wants to get back together.

 

We talked and I told her that it is not fair for her to put me on a shelf while she is figuring things out. I told her that I was willing to be there for her to help figure things out in her life, but if she will not let me be with her then we need to have time to ourselves so that she can figure herself out and I can start my healing process if we never got back. It really upset her that we were going to start no contact, but she wasn't ready to try dating again. By the way, there is no need for long distance anymore in our life.

 

Am I making the right move?

Should I wait for her to contact me?

[AlexfromBoston]

Murtz, shoot her one last email after a couple days on NC and basically apologize for your behavior and agree that the breakup, whether temporary or permanent, is a strong idea. Thank her for the nice memories and wish her well and bid her good luck. Now, as soon as you hit that send button, the clock starts ticking...NC for 3-4 weeks. If she contacts you within that time frame, be brief, yet cordial. Always let her know that your "rather busy" and provide a short, albeit polite response to her questions. Never respond right away either...make her think your preoccupied. If the contact is persistent, you can always ask what she wants....let her know you're trying to move on. Whatever her response may be, it'll be up to you to decide how you want to handle it...if she says she wants you back, let her know that you would be willing to meet in person to discuss it..and give her a time and a place that works for you. If you do not get a response within those 3-4 weeks...you could always head to a place(pref near her house) that you both enjoyed going to...a restaurant, bar etc. Shoot her a text, "Hey [insert ex name], I happen to be at [insert name of fav bar] and just thought of you. How are you holding up?". If you opt to carry out this strategy, make sure you dress your best and look good and confident...just in case she joins you. If this tactic is way to wild for your liking, you could always just shoot a casual text pertaining to a movie you had watched...maybe see how she has been doing, etc. If she doesn't respond...leave it be...its probably game over. If she responds...keep it casual and let her engage you. That means upon completing this contact...go back to NC until she initiates contact with you. Despite what others say, second chances are very possible and very prevalent. How many stories have you heard about a women leaving her verbally/physically abusive boyfriend/husband...only to return to him at a later date. Its a sick cycle but it happens. It usually happens because these same degenerates don't fall apart when their better half takes off...rather they wind up in jail or handed with a restraining order(basically a court issued NC period). Don't fret Murtz...just stay confident, calm, and strong...good luck.

[Murtz]

I actually left her a voicemail The day right right after we started NC. I am just afraid that if I contact her, she wont be ready as I have made it very clear for her that if she ever changed her mind about us to never be afraid to pick up the phone and call me no matter what situation we are in. However I said after that day I could no longer promise I would say yes to getting back together.

 

But on the other hand I am afraid if I do not contact her she will think I really did not care and that she was right all along with how she felt. in about month from today is Valentine's day so I thought about putting a letter with a thoughtful gift outside her door that day and letting her know later to check it.

[AlexfromBoston]

I actually left her a voicemail The day right right after we started NC. I am just afraid that if I contact her, she wont be ready as I have made it very clear for her that if she ever changed her mind about us to never be afraid to pick up the phone and call me no matter what situation we are in. However I said after that day I could no longer promise I would say yes to getting back together.

 

But on the other hand I am afraid if I do not contact her she will think I really did not care and that she was right all along with how she felt. in about month from today is Valentine's day so I thought about putting a letter with a thoughtful gift outside her door that day and letting her know later to check it.

 

Murtz, how long have you been NC as of this writing? The whole point of the email is to agree with the breakup and admit that you are going to be moving on. It creates a sense of urgency and lets her know that you a mature enough to handle her decision. Not to be rude, by your voicemail reeks of desperation and comes across as very weak. You essentially let her know that you'll be waiting on her until she gets her sh*t straight. My friend, you just gave her the green light to have fun while keeping you in limbo. Now, not all is lost...you could always maintain NC and remain cold and disinterested when she contacts you. Or, you could shoot that acceptance email to her and go NC. Remember, it has to be an email as she can read it at her own leisure and be less inclined to delete it. Also, an email is less personal than a text or a call. I do agree with the Valentines Day suggestion though. You could always send her some flowers with a card and maybe a small note like, "[ex name here], every girl deserves to have a Valentine on Valentines Day. Enjoy...sincerely Murtz" Or something to that effect. Make sure its not too personal and do not include too much info...short and sweet is the key. You are trying to convey that you are an alpha male who is moving on; thus creating a sense of urgency and desire in your exes mind.

[Murtz]

Murtz, how long have you been NC as of this writing? The whole point of the email is to agree with the breakup and admit that you are going to be moving on. It creates a sense of urgency and lets her know that you a mature enough to handle her decision. Not to be rude, by your voicemail reeks of desperation and comes across as very weak. You essentially let her know that you'll be waiting on her until she gets her sh*t straight. My friend, you just gave her the green light to have fun while keeping you in limbo. Now, not all is lost...you could always maintain NC and remain cold and disinterested when she contacts you. Or, you could shoot that acceptance email to her and go NC. Remember, it has to be an email as she can read it at her own leisure and be less inclined to delete it. Also, an email is less personal than a text or a call. I do agree with the Valentines Day suggestion though. You could always send her some flowers with a card and maybe a small note like, "[ex name here], every girl deserves to have a Valentine on Valentines Day. Enjoy...sincerely Murtz" Or something to that effect. Make sure its not too personal and do not include too much info...short and sweet is the key. You are trying to convey that you are an alpha male who is moving on; thus creating a sense of urgency and desire in your exes mind.

 

 

This is what the voice mail pretty much said, I had to go away on a 3 hour drive that day. I think I sounded very calm and nice, not desperate.

 

"I know I am breaking the no contact rule we set up yesterday, but I had a lot of time thinking on my 3 hour drive today. I now understand why you broke up with me. I was initial blind and couldn't think straight so nothing made since. There was a time where I needed space in the relationship myself, but I eventually got through it. I think I know what you are going through and I want to let you know that I fully support your decision. This will give both of us a chance to figure out who we are and what we both want. You do not have to respond to this if you do not want to, but your are welcome to as well. Never be afraid to let me know if you change your mind, but I would still like to keep no contact since I still need to try to move on"

 

 

And no contact only started last Saturday.

Edited January 16, 2014 by Murtz
No contact only started last Saturday.

[AlexfromBoston]

This is what the voice mail pretty much said, I had to go away on a 3 hour drive that day. I think I sounded very calm and nice, not desperate.

 

"I know I am breaking the no contact rule we set up yesterday, but I had a lot of time thinking on my 3 hour drive today. I now understand why you broke up with me. I was initial blind and couldn't think straight so nothing made since. There was a time where I needed space in the relationship myself, but I eventually got through it. I think I know what you are going through and I want to let you know that I fully support your decision. This will give both of us a chance to figure out who we are and what we both want. You do not have to respond to this if you do not want to, but your are welcome to as well. Never be afraid to let me know if you change your mind, but I would still like to keep no contact since I still need to try to move on"

 

Well that was well said...I think you conveyed the right message there. Murtz, if she truly loved you then the chance of her contacting you after a month of NC is very likely. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised of she contacts you sooner. Most women just can't get over someone that they had shared their most intimate and personal moments with. Whereas most guys will initially feel a sense of rejection, followed by a bout of pleading and begging. But typically a guy can go out, have fun, and put such memories in the past...especially when you are getting the attention of other females. If it was true love, then she will probably text or call you. If you don't hear from her, definitely send her something innocent for VDay. Nothing too sappy or personal...and when she calls or texts to thank you...don't respond until hours later.

[Murtz]

I think you have given some great advice, thank you so much for your help and support.

[AlexfromBoston]

I think you have given some great advice, thank you so much for your help and support.

 

Anytime my friend. I am no expert on paper, but I have a lot of experience with this type of stuff. I have luck with women and I have had every single one of my exes return after a brief bout of NC. I have seen it firsthand.

[Murtz]

I will come back to this thread and hopefully I'll have a positive testimony.

[AlexfromBoston]

I will come back to this thread and hopefully I'll have a positive testimony.

 

Yeah, please let me know how it turns out. PM me if you can. Im betting that you will hear from her. Women are funny like that.

[transientbeingz]

How do I PM someone? Boston, I'd like to send you something about my situation if you don't mind!

[Murtz]

You have to have a lot more post, I think 100? Anyways events have transpired in the last week that has now made me not want her back and if she does want to get back together she is going to have to try really hard. Thanks anyways though.