Hopeful30 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 ... is that instead of telling me he is willing to work things out, or that he wants to give it another shot, he simply tells me "If you want to stay, lets see how things go, but I don't know if anything will change. If you want to take a break, let's take a break and see where things go that way." It would be so much easier to make a decision if I knew where he stood emotionally, otherwise I'll just be working so hard at something for no reason or throwing something away because I assume he doesn't want it. Right now he said he has a lot of his own problems and doesn't have time to deal with relationship "drama" (there is no drama, he just calls any argument or tension drama). To me this sounds like "you're not a priority I dont have time for this sh*t". On the other hand I understand, because he's in the process of doing something huge and it's stressing him out. Again, im in the middle. I told him I need to think about thinks and he told me to take my time. I just don't know how to weigh this. It would really help if I knew where he stood emotionally but even asking him is useless. He simply responds with "I'm willing to see where things go." Is this good enough? Am I being unreasonable by wanting him to fight for me more? Or is this his way of telling me he really doesn't give a crap at the moment and will just do whatever?
MrMeh Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 He does not seem committed to your relationship at all. The message I get from him is that he is leaving it to you to break it off because you seem more emotionally invested in the relationship, therefore he thinks it's only right that you make the decision. I would not bother taking it any further as he clearly has his main priorities focused on himself and his work.
soccerrprp Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 He sounds indifferent to whatever decision you make. He will be fine either way. That is what he is "saying," but I wonder if you tell him it's over whether he'll start, eventually, crying, crawling back to you, asking for forgiveness. Anyway, the following: 1. He is 'meh' about the relationship now 2. don't concoct excuses for his behavior, he's too busy, so what?! his response to your equally important concerns show that he is not mature or committed enough I would tell him that he is not ready for a relationship right now and that you'll give him space. Leave. If he acts this way when he is stressed, this is what kind of attitude you will have to contend with LT. Good luck.
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 We are going to be apart for the next week or so. I already know what I want to say to him, but it's too early to bring it up now, right? I think I should just wait the week, have him think things over (if he even cares) and have him miss me (again, if he even cares) and THEN bring up what's on my mind. That way he will approach it differently instead of just all at once (all this tension happened within the last few days). Thoughts?
pteromom Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 He doesn't want to put any work into the relationship because he doesn't really care one way or the other. Wait the week, YOU think it over, and see if YOU miss him. Use this time to think about what you get out of this relationship and whether this relationship meets your needs. Don't focus on your emotions - focus on what you need out of a relationship and whether he is willing and capable to give it to you. 2
spiderowl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Whatever you're unhappy about, it doesn't sound like he's bothered enough to want to change it. You haven't said what it is that you want to work out. He's saying it's up to you at the moment whether you stay or not. He doesn't think much is going to change. What do you want to change? Does he want anything to change? It sounds like he just wants you to make less fuss about what matters to you. Sounds like things'll pretty much go on as before and you can stay or leave. 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 (edited) Whatever you're unhappy about, it doesn't sound like he's bothered enough to want to change it. You haven't said what it is that you want to work out. He's saying it's up to you at the moment whether you stay or not. He doesn't think much is going to change. What do you want to change? Does he want anything to change? It sounds like he just wants you to make less fuss about what matters to you. Sounds like things'll pretty much go on as before and you can stay or leave. Yes, I agree with the bolded. However... ugh.. this is so messy! He has been putting in effort before, and I've noticed and acknowledged it. I've been unhappy with certain things and I saw that he put in the effort to make it better... .for like a week. Then things go back to how they were. And YES about the underlined. I just think he isn't ready for a real relationship, because so far he's either been "Yes, i'll obey and be a good boy" or "I cant take this drama, choose to stay or leave". It's very black and white with him and from what I know about his past, he hasn't had real, mature experiences. It's either he's been cheated on, or the girl gives him "too much drama" which in other words translates to "it got difficult so I bailed". That's why I'm surprised he's leaving the decision to me, because from what I know from his friends and in general, he has no problem saying "thanks bye" to a girl he's simply unhappy with. That's why I'm so on the fence. If he's really fed up and doesn't want this, he would have told me by now. The fact that it's always been up to me makes me confused. He's expressed before that he genuinely wants things to work out, and his friends are very supportive as well, hinting that we're a good couple and that he seriously likes me. So everything is mixed, at least that's how I'm interpreting it as. On one side I think "He's putting so much effort, he's impressing my parents, he's making my life easier through acts of "service"" but on the other hand i'm thinking "Why isn't he fighting for me? Why is it always up to me?" It might just be that my perception is distorted and I think i'm doing all the work when I'm not, but then why do I feel this way if it isn't the case? He's a good guy, and he's great boyfriend material. He's even told a mutual friend of ours to "back off" because she kept making advances. He had individual talks with my parents when I wasn't home or was running late, and he got on their good side when initially they weren't too sure about him. He's done so many wonderful things, but at the same time I just feel like sh*t in this relationship because I don't feel wanted. People keep mentioning (from another thread of mine) that it's just the love languages. That he shows his affections in different ways than complimenting me or telling me "I really want this to work". So I also don't know if it's just me who can't read him properly and as a result am feeling bad about the relationship when in truth he's really here with me. Or if he actually doesn't care and simply does nice things because 'that's what boyfriends are supposed to do'. It would be much easier to make a decision if I knew how he feels and how much he wants (or doesn't want) this to work. Otherwise I just feel alone in this relationship and that's why it's difficult for me to make a decision. By the way, thanks for reading all my nonsense Since feelings are involved, I have to keep talking about it hah! Edited January 16, 2014 by Hopeful30
TXGuy Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 It sounds to me that, while he is generally happy with you and the relationship, he doesn't feel he should have to 'fight' to keep the relationship going constantly. I'm reading your posts as "he is doing everything a boyfriend should be doing, but it still is not enough for me." It seems like you do tend to be a bit dramatic.
spiderowl Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 "I just feel like sh*t in this relationship because I don't feel wanted." What have other boyfriends done that have made you feel wanted? What is the difference with him? Like you say, he sounds like he's stable and doing the right things in some respects, but he's not reassuring you. You haven't said exactly what you want him to change, that you've been getting upset about. Could you give some examples? If he is constantly trying to placate you, he's not going to feel comfortable about that and it may affect why he is basically saying 'take it or leave it'. Maybe he's not willing to fight for someone who is criticising him a lot. Are you 'picking your fights', in other words only quibbling about the really important things? Someone who is never happy is hard to live with.
Eggplant Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 You don't want to freely give your loyalty and exclusivity to an ambivalent guy. You don't want a man who doesn't decidedly want you. Stop being his girlfriend.
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) "I just feel like sh*t in this relationship because I don't feel wanted." What have other boyfriends done that have made you feel wanted? What is the difference with him? Like you say, he sounds like he's stable and doing the right things in some respects, but he's not reassuring you. You haven't said exactly what you want him to change, that you've been getting upset about. Could you give some examples? If he is constantly trying to placate you, he's not going to feel comfortable about that and it may affect why he is basically saying 'take it or leave it'. Maybe he's not willing to fight for someone who is criticising him a lot. Are you 'picking your fights', in other words only quibbling about the really important things? Someone who is never happy is hard to live with. #1 - I always initiate the sex. Always. Plus I usually do all the work. #2 - He never shows me any affection. We've talked about this and he said it's not in his nature, and I believe him because he does other things to show he cares (buys me something for my phone that would make my life easier, helps fix my car etc.) BUT never compliments me. I can dress up and look amazing and he won't say a word. I mean, when we go out we don't even look like a couple to the point where I'm getting hit on by random guys all night while he's literally standing next to me. Like at least put your arm around me or kiss me or something, don't just stand there. IM always the one who has to come to him or step up. I've brought this up with him but as usual, he expects me to do all the work. He's stated that he wants this to work and he really really likes me, but it's always "lets see if things change" and never "lets talk about this so I can understand how we can work this out". Again, I have to make all the compromises. Edited January 18, 2014 by Hopeful30
Eau Claire Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 If you say this is his nature then he is just being himself. Did you think you could change him? Why the drama now? This is the typical comedy spoof on the ending of those movies in which the quiet, steady guy gets the girl at end....forward 5 years and he is still quiet and its driving her nuts. She needs more from her man. 1
oldshirt Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Guys pay attention to this thread!!! If there are any males out there reading this, pay close attention to how the ladies are discussing this. This is why "nice guys" get left in the dust and the more assertive and aggressive guys go home with the girls even if he is a dick. the female brain interprets passivity or letting her make up her own mind as either weakness and being a pussy. or as not caring and not being invested. 2
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) If you say this is his nature then he is just being himself. Did you think you could change him? Why the drama now? It's not about change. It's about compromise. I've compromised on certain things for him (such as going to parties every now and then even though I hate clubs). I don't see why I have to make all the compromises. I'm not asking for much. I mean.... if I ask for him to initiate sex every now and then, that's not asking him to fundamentally change who he is. This is something that's extremely important in a relationship. Anyways, I told him I want a break. I can see that he's being very proactive now in getting me back (although it's always with an excuse such as something work related etc). But we will see. This is the time he needs to either a) realize that he needs to work on a relationship and it won't just "work out" by itself or b) realize that he's not that kind of person and give up Like I said, i've been doing all the work up until now. So if he genuinely wants this to work, I'm done being the adult. HE needs to come talk to me or warm up to me. Otherwise it's just going to continue being a one way street and i'm done. Edited January 19, 2014 by Hopeful30
Sunlight72 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) Hi Hopeful, I read 3 of your other recent threads. This is not the guy for you. Break up. Stay broken up. You should not build a relationship full of, "I want him to be like...", "If he would just...", "Why won't he ever...?". It took me many years to learn this, please think it over really, really hard. I wish I had believed it two marriages earlier! You don't get to make your partner better. The only way you get to make the relationship better is by changing YOUR BEHAVIOR if you feel it will be healthy and honest for you to do so. You do NOT get to change your partner's behavior. It's not my rule, it is the way the Universe works. You can fight it, but it won't work. Don't fight it. Just realize... You do NOT get to change your partner's behavior. You don't even get to make suggestions. If they don't come up with the idea themself, it will NEVER, EVER, EVER work. Here is what you do get... You get to spend time with someone and observe how they treat you (while you should be acting the way you enjoy - not going to clubs if you hate them, not begging for sex or initiating sex very much more often than you want to). During this time, you observe how they behave, how treat you. Are they enjoying themself? Are they enjoying being with you? Then you decide if you want more of that treatment or not. Please re-read that. Those are your two choices. a) you want more of the way they treat you when you just show up and be yourself - continue the relationship. OR b) you are not really happy with the way they behave or the way they treat you - end the relationship. When you say,"I saw that he put in the effort to make it better... .for like a week. Then things go back to how they were." You are misunderstanding what's happening. The reason his behavior returns to how it was, is that THAT IS WHO HE IS. You Can't change who he is. It doesn't matter if it is for "his own good". It doesn't matter if it's for a "better relationship". You Can't change who he is. Please don't try. It is not easy! But observing, and then making a firm choice is your only chance at making a happy, healthy relationship ------------- Guideline Number Two; This Is As Good As It Is Ever Going To Get With This Person. Enjoy it if it is good for you. If it is not good for you, break up. Because (please, please believe me) - This Is As Good As It Is Ever Going To Get With This Person... meaning also that sometimes it will be worse.... maybe for years and years. Best Wishes, Sunlight P.S. This is dating & choosing a partner advice. Marriage is a commitment. You don't then get to review your choice - you have to work with it. But Lord Almighty, let's hope you (and I) make a Good Choice before that commitment! Edited January 23, 2014 by Sunlight72
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