If you want your MM to leave his wife, please read this. Some advice.

January 11, 2005

Men do leave thier wives. Mine did. Just thought I would share my experiance and some advice for you posters who want your MM to leave. The MM I was with officially moved out on December. This was after a year, and finally he gathered up enough strength to do it. I have to tell you that all of you who want your men to leave thier wives, think very hard about this. Let me tell you why.

The man who I am with, I love him very much, but the transition is very hard for him, and for me, and for his family as well. There is a lot of pain and a lot of hurt feelings. The guy I am with is currently in therepy everyday trying to make this transition easier on everyone, but it's a processs. I know if I didn't absolutly love this man, I don't think I could have gotten through the year and then through all of the drama I have right now. Also the transition from the drama and fantasy of an affair to a normal relationship is a big huge transition and it has taken a lot of work on both of our sides so that we can bring it into a normal healthy long term relationship, I believe my relationship will evolve into something very long lasting and wonderful, but as always it needs work and effort, esp. in the time of transition and divorce.

Yes, the grass maybe greener on the other side, I have deffinatly found it is, as now I can see him everyday and there are no more secrets and lies, but the grass also needs a lot of tending and caring for to stay green and grow well.

This is why I am saying, if you are wanting him to leave, or see that as you ultimate outcome, I urge you to look at just what you are getting into. Make sure that you want to put the kind of effort that is required to make your relationship as a couple work.

January 12, 2005

How long did you wait for him to leave? Was it a surprise, long time coming, what? Children? How long married?

January 12, 2005

Originally posted by KissMyTiara
How long did you wait for him to leave? Was it a surprise, long time coming, what? Children? How long married?

May I throw some caution into the wind for you KMT? This is a rare example, and even though things are looking great now, there are all kinds of greener shades......if he left his wife he has now, what's going to stop him from doing it again?

Sure, Bellestella may vow to work on being the best support she can. But remember my rule of thumb, a relationship isn't 50/50.....it's 100/100. AND, it's 100% of the time too.

January 12, 2005

Well, given what you've said, you clearly must be one of those folks who believes in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mantra.

I'm asking these questions to get a better idea of what instigated her MM's transition.

January 12, 2005

Originally posted by KissMyTiara
Well, given what you've said, you clearly must be one of those folks who believes in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mantra.

I'm asking these questions to get a better idea of what instigated her MM's transition.

No, not really. I think people make mistakes, and big ones too. And the majority of those who think about themselves before anyone else tend to stick to that philosophy of satifying themselves rather than think about the consequences. From what I've read of your posts, your MM is one of those.

I just noticed that you perked up to this thread, and I don't want you to get your hopes up is all.

January 12, 2005

I just noticed that you perked up to this thread, and I don't want you to get your hopes up is all.

I am glad I am not the only one who noticed that...

How long did you wait for him to leave? Was it a surprise, long time coming, what? Children? How long married?

Just shield that heart of yours...You seem abit excited on this one that's all. Not meant to be taken meanly, just as moose said, don't get your hopes up. Because one situation works out doesn't mean the other will too. Diff. situation, diff. players.

January 12, 2005

I really appreciate the insight given in this thread and the associated words of caution to our friend KMT.

I learned this lesson in a very hard way the first time around with my MM. He did leave his wife, but then after three long, difficult years with me, went home. The transition was more than he could handle and more than I could handle. In the end, all the love - and therapy - in the world couldn't keep us together through it - I ended up moving out long before he went back home because it was just too difficult. I loved him so much, I worked hard, and it just wasn't enough.

This is why I believe that in most cases, that even dating a MM who is "in the process" of getting a divorce is a deadend. If they are not already through the emotional transition of ending a marriage, dealing with the custody and child issues, the guilt, the financial issues, etc. - they are bringing so much baggage that even the best intended man may be too much to handle.

And KMT, please keep in mind, that this is even in the case of the man who chooses to leave. This is a big difference from where you, and I, are now or have been.

January 12, 2005

Too much negativity in this thread.

Bella.. Good Luck! I am so very happy for you and your new life. I wish you all the best.

KMT... chin up girl.

January 12, 2005

It's not negativity.. we've all been there, and know what it's like

January 16, 2005

Originally posted by erika2610
It's not negativity.. we've all been there, and know what it's like

"We've all been there"? Ha, not really.

January 19, 2005

I don't think he would cheat again. I really don't. He cheated on his wife after 20 years, I know cheating, having everyone find out, going through pain with his family, all of that...I asked him if he ever would do it again, he said no, it is just to painful a thing to do. I think he used cheating to try to escape a relationship where the romance was dead and he found new romance with me. As soon as he left, he got himself counseling straight away just so he could get what he had done all figured out, so he could be a better man for me, so no, I don't think he would cheat again. Plus there is a large age difference between us, he in his 50's, I am in my 20's. Yes, he does have two kids both older then me.

I was with him a year before he left, during that time we had a purely emotional realtionship, no sex. It was only after he left his wife that we slept together. He has always been a very sweet, very caring person. I know in his heart, he does not want to hurt anyone, and feels VERY bad about what he did to his family. I was a bit surprised when he left, but not really, I mean he never told me " I am going to leave my wife someday" until he was actually getting ready to do it. He actually encouraged me to date other people during our affair, which i did, just in case I would find someone better then him, although right now I would only have a relationship with him.

Hope this ansewers your questions.

January 20, 2005

yeah, mine left too. And after 8 weeks which were blissful for me, after all he was mine finally... right? Wrong. Even with couples therepy, (which I insisted on), he left and went back to her. Now he states this was all my fault and I'm this terrable home-wrecking s***t who decieved and manipulated him. Now it is them against ME, before it seemed like us against her. My heart is broken. I am just living day to day wondering how I let myself beleive him.

January 21, 2005

Originally posted by the truth sucks
yeah, mine left too. And after 8 weeks which were blissful for me, after all he was mine finally... right? Wrong. Even with couples therepy, (which I insisted on), he left and went back to her. Now he states this was all my fault and I'm this terrable home-wrecking s***t who decieved and manipulated him. Now it is them against ME, before it seemed like us against her. My heart is broken. I am just living day to day wondering how I let myself beleive him.

Then let them believe that reality. Let them hang on to that, it's going to bite them in the ass in the end. Because it's him that's doing the manipulating, and deceiving. Obviously it's something she needs to believe as well. You cannot blame yourself for wanting a valid relationship with someone you have feelings for......

January 27, 2005

It is comforting in a sick way to know that there are seemingly good and normal people who have made the mistake of getting involved with someone who is married to someone else. Yes, I know sometimes the new relationship works out, but I think more often it doesn't. I originally became involved with the attitude that it was only going to be about sex for me, truly. I didn't want to break up a marriage, didn't want to become emotionally attached. Of course, it didn't work out that way. I fell so completely in love, I let myself become vulnerable and all trusting of this man who painted a very convincing picture of what life would be like together. ...........

And then, it all started to make sense. I began to realize what purpose I was serving in his life. I really thought this guy was the one, and the only problem was that he was married to someone else. So I asked him to be a better man and do the right thing, to give our relationship a fair shot. It was so beautiful, I did not want it ruined by the shadow of his infidelity. I asked that he do the right thing and go back home and finish his marriage out of respect for his wife, me, and himself. I promised to be waiting when that was concluded, and I would have waited. I didn't want to be the dirty little secret, I mean I wasn't married to anyone else. I have a great job, own my home, a good person, why should I have to be labeled bad, for simply wanting what every one wants?

Bottom line, he didn't go back home, I did become the scapegoat for everything bad that was happening to him. His parents hated me, but would not get to know me, I aborted our baby because he would not step up to the plate, and suffered thru emotional and physical abuse because I was the easiest target, I was disposeable.

This is what I have come away with from that experience. Run as fast as you can from someone cheating on their spouse. Because they are spineless cowards that do not want to take responsibility for themselves.

How can you ever trust someone who made a promise , and betrayed that promise? There is no honor , no pride in a person who will be so selfish and hurtful to another. If we want accountability in people then we have to be accountable, we have to do what is right, not what is easiest. And we have to be willing to demand that from those we love, even if it means losing them.

It should be obvious that if they will cheat on their spouse, they will cheat on you, which mine did. I am still involved with this person, for a lot of reasons, the relationship is not good, but you can't tell anyone what to do they know already, it just takes time, and eventually I will leave him when I have exhausted all the reasons for staying.

So for all who are sitting in the same boat, be good to yourself, do what you need to do, and take as long as you need to take. And I hope that you meet someone who will be the right person for you. Good Luck.

January 28, 2005

Originally posted by kittysmack
It is comforting in a sick way to know that there are seemingly good and normal people who have made the mistake of getting involved with someone who is married to someone else. Yes, I know sometimes the new relationship works out, but I think more often it doesn't. I originally became involved with the attitude that it was only going to be about sex for me, truly. I didn't want to break up a marriage, didn't want to become emotionally attached. Of course, it didn't work out that way. I fell so completely in love, I let myself become vulnerable and all trusting of this man who painted a very convincing picture of what life would be like together. ...........
And then, it all started to make sense. I began to realize what purpose I was serving in his life. I really thought this guy was the one, and the only problem was that he was married to someone else. So I asked him to be a better man and do the right thing, to give our relationship a fair shot. It was so beautiful, I did not want it ruined by the shadow of his infidelity. I asked that he do the right thing and go back home and finish his marriage out of respect for his wife, me, and himself. I promised to be waiting when that was concluded, and I would have waited. I didn't want to be the dirty little secret, I mean I wasn't married to anyone else. I have a great job, own my home, a good person, why should I have to be labeled bad, for simply wanting what every one wants?
Bottom line, he didn't go back home, I did become the scapegoat for everything bad that was happening to him. His parents hated me, but would not get to know me, I aborted our baby because he would not step up to the plate, and suffered thru emotional and physical abuse because I was the easiest target, I was disposeable.

This is what I have come away with from that experience. Run as fast as you can from someone cheating on their spouse. Because they are spineless cowards that do not want to take responsibility for themselves.
How can you ever trust someone who made a promise , and betrayed that promise? There is no honor , no pride in a person who will be so selfish and hurtful to another. If we want accountability in people then we have to be accountable, we have to do what is right, not what is easiest. And we have to be willing to demand that from those we love, even if it means losing them.

It should be obvious that if they will cheat on their spouse, they will cheat on you, which mine did. I am still involved with this person, for a lot of reasons, the relationship is not good, but you can't tell anyone what to do they know already, it just takes time, and eventually I will leave him when I have exhausted all the reasons for staying.

So for all who are sitting in the same boat, be good to yourself, do what you need to do, and take as long as you need to take. And I hope that you meet someone who will be the right person for you. Good Luck.

Great post. I read it twice.

January 28, 2005

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Great post. I read it twice.

I agree. I actually copied, pasted, and printed it out and took it home with me.

January 28, 2005

I also read it several times, and have made a copy too.

I don't write very often here, but I do read often and have gained much insight and support from what you all are going through and hope that I can become strong enough to finally leave my situation with my MM for good.

January 31, 2005

Originally posted by Bellastella
I was with him a year before he left, during that time we had a purely emotional realtionship, no sex. It was only after he left his wife that we slept together. He has always been a very sweet, very caring person.

I'm sorry, I've been lurking out here for a while, and when I read this, I just had to chime in.

I really believe that MM/w will only leave a marriage if they can fool themselves into believing that they "didn't cheat"...they tried their hardest. And that their hardest was just not enough.

But if they are talking to another person outside the marriage, have a "purely emotional relationship", that is a more damaging, kind of adultery. One where they can fool themselves into believe that they did their best.

My warning to you BellaStella is that if he does good therapy with a really good therapist, he will have to address and accept that he was the most insidious and damaging kind of cheater. He lied to himself. And once he realizes that every conversation that he had with you was more intimate than sex...and that each thought he had of you was a nail in the coffin of his marriage, he may not be able to live with himself. Or you.

Do you really want to be with a man who is capable of such self-deception? Do you want to stake your future on a man, 30 years your senior, who has failed to keep his vows? Look very hard at yourself, and him and decide if you want to grow old with a man who has already had a family, and knows from experience everything that you still have to learn.

Will you be happy?

Be prepared to spend the rest of your life with him know as the OW. Be prepared that no man, woman, or child that has been in his life before you will see you as anything other than an OW and someone's "mid-life" moment.

If you are with him, and he has children older than you...spend some time picturing:

1) being a GRANDMOTHER to his children's children...who may be older than your own.

2) being involved with a man who will always have to be connected to his children's mother.

3) sitting in the SECOND row at his funeral, after his children and their mother.

Don't you want to be a first?

Be prepared that either outcome could happen...he could go back home when he realizes the truth. Or he could stay with you, and you will spend the rest of your life having to deal with the anger of the people whose lives he has destroyed...and possibly being the focus of that anger.

Be careful.

February 2, 2005

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

"We've all been there"? Ha, not really.

Well not everybody.. but most of us on this board..

February 2, 2005

I would be willing to bet money that Bella's man has LOTS of money.

AS such, Bella needs to get in his will-better yet, get married, and by law, she will get her 'statutory share' even in he leaves her out of the devisement. Even better, get married AND get into the will.

He is thirty years older than her. He may die of a heart attack in 10 years. When he keels over, or get incapacitated, she can be ASSURED that the kids will hover over him and his property like vultures on a carcass. Afterall, Bella, to the kids, is the twentysomething bimbo who's just after daddy for his money.

February 2, 2005

Originally posted by uberfrau
I would be willing to bet money that Bella's man has LOTS of money.

AS such, Bella needs to get in his will-better yet, get married, and by law, she will get her 'statutory share' even in he leaves her out of the devisement. Even better, get married AND get into the will.

NO, this is NOT necessarily true. Depends on what state he is in when he executes his will or dies intestate (without one), as well as whether or not - if he does make a will - he makes it clear in the actual testate document itself (will) (or other attached documents that are to be refered to in the context of dividing up the estate) that he purposefully left her out. There's a LOT more to getting money out a dead spouse than just getting married.

February 3, 2005

The truth sucks~~~~YOU ARE SO RIGHT....I feel the same way it is now them against me. They tagged up against me like they were bonnie and clyde! The married man I was with went back to his wife after 9 mos and now he acts like I was the one who cheated on his wife and I was the one who hurt her. He totally shifts the blame and makes himself out to be the victim of Me. Like I am some praying mantis. Married mean ALWAYS go back!! Trust me I know so many cases of this... for one example my aunt and uncle divorced over 20 yrs ago because he cheated on my aunt with some lady he is now married to buuuuuuuut who does he cheat on his new wife with??? MY AUNT...how crazy is that!!! That is not the only bizarre case i can tell you about!!

February 3, 2005

Can I ask.....all these MM that go back to their wives. What are their wives like? Why do they take these men back? Not only did they cheat on them but they abandoned them!

February 3, 2005

I like the post Kitty...

Dishonor, selfishness, and a lack of integrity run rampant through society. And we see this as a normal part of life? We think that things can work out, that it will be all sunshine and flowers with these three clouds looming darkly above our heads?

Be careful in all that you choose to do, because the mind will not forget and the heart will never be the same.

February 5, 2005

Originally posted by emopunk
Be careful in all that you choose to do, because the mind will not forget and the heart will never be the same.

EMOPUNK thank you...that sentence started me down a train of thought that has been valuable in many different ways.

If you're interested read the Mourning thread.

li'l bunny, there are some really strong drivers that would make taking back a betraying spouse an option for even the most self-sufficient, evolved, intelligent women in the world.

Fear...of being alone, and of never having the chance of being a couple again if this one "gets away".

Power...of knowing that for the rest of the life of the relationship, the betrayed spouse will alway owe the one betrayed.

Commitment...better or worse, this is the promise. It is a vow that must be kept for the sake of honor and esteem.

Pride...that the person who strayed realized their value, and came home.

Children...teaching them that anything of value is worth giving your all...and giving them the gift of believing in happily ever after. That is an innocent belief that children of divorce cannot imagine would ever be true.

Love...no rhyme or reason but once love exists, for some people it cannot be extinguished, and if that love is tempered with honesty and respect after the affair is over, that love can make the affair a growth experience for the relationship.

I think the question I have to answer is do I even after all of this time love a person who has shown me no respect, no kindness, no compassion, no honesty...and I think that the reason I still love my ex is that I can't believe I was so wrong about him. I believed that he was a good person, and deep down he is an empty shell.

The thought that I have loved such emptiness, and brought his children into the world, only to be continually hurt (emotionally not physically) by his shallowness is an honest truth that I hide from myself.

I made a poor choice for myself...something I'll get over. But the reality is that I made that poor choice for my children too...and they will never know the security of growing up in a loving house with their mother and father....and that is the thing that makes me ache at night.

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If you want your MM to leave his wife, please read this. Some advice.

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