vampiremoon9 Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Ive lived with my boyfriend for 3yrs and we had broken up a short time ago. I established the room was mine since the bed was and made him move out into the spare room in a twin bed from a king. But later we decided to "rekindle" the relationship after cofessing we loved each other and did not want to loose each other. So just his pillow and alarm clock made their way back into my bedroom and bed. But intimacy has not improved its gotten worse. He rarely touches me or shows me affection. He will at anytime keep close to a foot between us as we sleep. He never cuddles me close or holds me. His kisses are perky and shallow and his hugs are timid. After one more empty weekend with him laying beside me but never really making an effort to touch me I could not handle it no more and I ended the relationship with a fury. I moved him out of my room and there are now no personal effects of his there. My question is how do you and what do you do to start "NC" with a man that your now commited to living with till legally your lease agreement is over in this coming month of May.
angelstar Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 think logically about your situation. Try and detach yourself from everything your going through to allow yourself to come up with some decisions. Take the plunge. Ask him to move out and in the mean time post an ad to get someone into that spare room of yours. If you put your whole heart and head into something you generally get a result! I too have a similar situation. MY x of 6 days now left me with a 12 month lease. Just the other day i went down to my local paper and put an ad in for flatmates. Mind you my x hasnt been living with me. We were engaged and he was moving to my country to live our merry lives happily ever after. Not to be I'm afraid! Be sensitive to you BF or XBF??? make sure he's got a place to go. Sit down with him and tell him how you feel. It's going to be a huge thing for you because of the pain issue. If you cant do that then write a letter. You both need to seperate to figure out what you both want. He's been very distant from you sexually and perhaps has no interest in it. Mate my x was also very much this way. Who knows what is going on in there minds. I started to think it was me! I"m the one with huge sex drive and unfortunately he didnt have the same amount as me. One other thought your man could be depressed about something. HE sounds like he is. YOU GUYS need some space before you finally breakup. let me know how you get on and good luck angelstar
angelstar Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 one more thing... When I mentioned my sex drive. Well just to explain it alittle better. I actually discussed it with my Mum of all people! She turned around and said that its an important factor between 2 people and if one doesnt wana do it and the other does then this causes problems in the relationship. The second things to this is if they don't want to discuss SEX. Thats even harder. Not saying that all men bottle it up inside. Its just so difficult to get on with the relationship especially have a healthy and happy one when you can discuss something like Sex. And sex to me is surposed to be funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Not a dying trade!!!! See you round and let me know your thoughts!
backatone Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Angel, my ex's sex drive started to lessin extremely and it drove me crazy. I was the one that was always talking about sex and wondering what in the hell was happening to us. She finally confessed it was not my fault and that she is extremely depressed and that she needs to figure it out. I was always wondering if she was getting it somewhere else. Probably not, but that is the first thing I thought of. If you are not getting the affection that you need.........move the hell on. I may even run into you. LOL. What some people dont understand "my ex included" is that you need intamacy in a relationship for it to prosper. Without the physical, you are basically friends. I for one found it very hard to lay next to the woman that I love and not have sex. I just knew she did not want it so sometimes I would not even try. So, if you have expressed your needs and he is not meeting them. That only leaves you one thing to do. Good luck. P.S. Our sex problem became a huge issue with us. We were down to like 3-4 times a month and that just aint flying with me. It will get worse, that is unless you both reach a common ground.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by vampiremoon9 how do you and what do you do to start "NC" with a man that your now commited to living with till legally your lease agreement is over in this coming month of May. you can't institute NC right now
completelydevastated Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Maybe he was still hurting & dealing with the previous problems...?? Maybe you should have been patient with him & support him a little bit...? He probably would've came around & things would've improved. I know that if I were kicked out of the room, I'd be a little gun-shy for awhile. Remember, he has needs & emotions that need dealt with, just as you do.
Author vampiremoon9 Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Okay, maybe I did not make myself clear.. He broke up with me in the begining. He stated that I did not meet up to his expectations. He demanded that I change to meet these and held our relationship like a carrot over my head threatening to end it completely if I did not do as he liked. He said I asked for too much responsability out of him. (gee take out the trash and clean the kitty litter box was a huge responsability considering they are his cats!) I was told "he had great affection for me but did not romantically love me" and that the reason his friends never came around was because he had bad mouthed me to them all and no one liked me anymore. I was accused of being a cold *&%$#* (female dog) and that our communication was lacking (I did not always agree with him on matters) He no longer liked me, liked living with me, or wanted to marry me. That my emotions are nothing short of just being some stupid psycho babble bullpucky. (he used another term) Then 3 days later he was seen waltzing out of the house all decked out and into another woman's car and took her to Outback steak house for dinner! I was devastated. I am an open book and always kept communication open with him for Im a firm believer in we dont read minds so speak up. I asked him to be home at least two days a week since everyone else got pretense over me and he was often gone 7 days a week and came home shortly after I left for my job on nights. I accused him of being selfish many times, yes indeed..he'd bring home dinner just for him and nothing for me saying "gee I did not have enough money for two meals" and eat it without offering me any. And that date earlier got a steak for christ sake I just wanted a Arby's sandwhich! Sexually he got it when ever he wanted and in any fashion he liked. But if I so much as asked he was tired or did not feel well. He does not even today show me attention, let alone affection. He meters it out as if he is punishing me for some indescretion. He wont hold me after sex, cuddle me on cold nights, kiss me or pursue me sexually. And this has continued after we decided to "rekindle" our sour relationship. So Ive grown tired. Im drained emotionally and now Im on the verge of feeling "indifference" and that's going to kill any relationship. I needed my own space and a chance to come to grips with my dreams of marriage dashed and my hopes of being loved rejected. So I removed him from my bed and bedroom. If he is not going to show me the respect and affection needed why sleep with me I ask.
angelstar Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Girl you need to move him out of the house. I know your not bullcrapping us about this. I've had a similar experience to you when my just recent x and i were living together. I mean we all have issues but there is definitely something wrong here. THis is not healthy and you are absolutely right. Its draining you emotionally. If he won't move then you move! YOu got do something here. Thinking of you. Good luck
angelstar Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by backatone Angel, my ex's sex drive started to lessin extremely and it drove me crazy. I was the one that was always talking about sex and wondering what in the hell was happening to us. She finally confessed it was not my fault and that she is extremely depressed and that she needs to figure it out. I was always wondering if she was getting it somewhere else. Probably not, but that is the first thing I thought of. If you are not getting the affection that you need.........move the hell on. I may even run into you. LOL. What some people dont understand "my ex included" is that you need intamacy in a relationship for it to prosper. Without the physical, you are basically friends. I for one found it very hard to lay next to the woman that I love and not have sex. I just knew she did not want it so sometimes I would not even try. So, if you have expressed your needs and he is not meeting them. That only leaves you one thing to do. Good luck. P.S. Our sex problem became a huge issue with us. We were down to like 3-4 times a month and that just aint flying with me. It will get worse, that is unless you both reach a common ground. Hey u I am so with you there. My x is fairly fresh. Only 1 week old. I thought I was going out of my mind with him. He just didnt get into it. always making excuses and to be honest thats what caused alot of our arguments plus other things of course I've never been with a guy like him before. I thought allllllll men had big SD. Obviously not. I'm gona have to watch for this next time. Cause mines huge and adventureous. Would have to say in all fairness he was very effectionate, touching and hugging. Ummmmm come to think of it! He just recently started to get really pissed off with me cause he didnt want to cuddle while watching tv. I like cuddling while watching tv. We werent meant for eachother and thats why I'm logged onto LS. Getting over him. Not so heart broken just pissed off. I guess we saved ourselves a long and expensive divorce.
Author vampiremoon9 Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 I heard told that some men are born with the flaw of not having a strong sex drive. But when I look back to when we lived in seperate homes we had sex just about any time and anywhere we could. It was as if we could not get enough of the other person. He was amorous and real touchy feely. He tried out being romantic too and thay always won him brownie points with me. (giggles) But since moving in together he has no time, no desire and often I find crap strung about the townhome that suggests he is jacking off at night when Im not home (I work nights) like magazines, dvd's and of course the tell tale sign...a freshly wet wash cloth...(roars laughing) That's why Im clueless to his obvious lack of sexual interest when he clearly still has some sort of "drive"..why wont he pursue me or make cute passes at me. Why wont he flirt with me and tease me no more?. Why when we do have sex and he got his he wont return the favor and is too tired. I was told he is getting older and his drive is getting slower..heavens he is only 34 and Im 39! I know men in their 50's who still rock the headboard with their gals! Just recently he told me that if I wanted an intimate relationship I needed to quit my night job and get a real job and be home like everyone elses girls in the evenings. That he doesnt feel having sex during the day or early morning is "right" and he likes it at night so if I want sex I ought to be home after 9pm from now on. I have only one remark to that...he aint all that to up and quit my job over! He sucks lately in bed, he has no imagination and romance well its all but dead between us and he thinks quiting my job is the answer...oh boy get a life dude!
angelstar Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 For some reason you sound like your mind is clearing. Please note that these rational thoughts only last a few days. I back to that feeling of emptyness again after recieving what i would call a **** email from my sister who says my relationship was turbulent. And that I rule with my emotions and should start using my head more. You know what V! I'm 32. So in my 30's basically! I totally sympathise with you on everything that you said. But YOU have to take that step to sort YOUR life out and not his. It's bloody hard but we've got to try and get on with this. Sort out all our inner demons and look to the future for a more full filling life. We only get one chance on this planet remember that! So change your habits easier said than done! I know. I'm subconciously depressed with my life. Besides having these issues with the breakup. I'm also not sure what I want to do with my life anymore with work etc. My life's purpose more to the point. Who the hell knows where im at. What are you going to do is my question to you???????
k57 Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by angelstar I'm subconciously depressed with my life. Besides having these issues with the breakup. I'm also not sure what I want to do with my life anymore with work etc. My life's purpose more to the point. Who the hell knows where im at. What are you going to do is my question to you??????? I dunno about you people... but I really want to ****.
Author vampiremoon9 Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 The fog is clearing in my heart and head. I'm starting to see my life and my desires more clearly now then ever before. My self respect took a beating there for a short a while. I settle for someone who would not nurture me and inspire me romantically. But now I'm standing up for what I feel and believe. I do matter, I am important and I am woman hear me roar! I wont let him minimize or make my needs seem like a second class citizen no more!. If he wants an intimate relationship then he can get off his tail and kiss my butt from now on. I've spent 3yrs trying to keep it together I will not waste another one. I'm missing out on meeting someone profound as I play house with this idiot. I'm a beautiful, desirable and sexy woman and I happen to be in my prime so a sexual side to any relationship is not only wanted, its critical. Like glue it keeps the fire and passion burning bright and for him to tell me he doenst have a great sex drive that its low ..well that's a shame because mine has only gotten better with age! What do I plan to do about this situation now...well I have begun planning already to move out when our joint lease agreement is over in May. But before that time rolls around I don't plan on being a good girl or nun during my best years, oh no way I wont have that at all! So since he lacks interest or desire I plan to find someone who does! I plan to find my very own lover....(smiles wickedly sweet)
angelstar Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Good on you girl. It sounds like your resolving the thoughts in your head. Don't backfire. If you do the love shack will be hear to support you. Take it easy! angelstar
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