Marge Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Im the OW- for the past very quick 5 years. He said he doesnt want a relationship with me. Its too much like being married he said. He doesnt like having to account for his every movement. (I never required that of him but he felt that pressure- self imposed I guess.) He says he will always only see me one day a week. I need more because I want someone to hang out with. He is a man- evidently men dont need daily companionship. He says he never gets lonely. I was born lonely. He said he will never change seeing me one day a week. Its been 2 1/2 years and I cant get used to it. Anybody know how I could get him to change it? Reasoning has not worked. Im the 'second wife' now- damn it. Meaning our relationship has come to the point of complacency.(sp) I really love him. One can never win. Marge
uriel Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Dump him and go after a single man who can commit to you -- rather than committing to no one except himself. -- uriel
Matilda Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 You can only change yourself, not someone else.
SoleMate Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Anybody know how I could get him to change? ...One can never win. You can win, but you have to stop playing at the MM casino where the house takes 100%. Where is your backbone, woman? When he says "You only get 1 day per week, whether you like it or not", that is your cue to say "Then let's round it off and make it zero!" You only get one life, PLEASE spend it doing what is meaningful to you.
immoralist Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 I don't know what's worse: the selfish "it's all about me" MM or his weak-kneed "enabling" OW. Both need each other: One could not exist without the other. I call it "negative symbiosis." Of course this guy never gets lonely: He has been boinking 2 women for the last 5 years and on his terms to boot. What a life! Dump him. Drop him. Delete him. End this charade of a relationship for something meaningful, substantial and real. Get off the Affair roller coaster. You've already lost 5 years. How many more?
Author Marge Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 You guys/ladies are great! I cant believe some of your posts. They are always so insightful and intelligent and right on the money. I dont follow them but I hear you and appreciate them. I think I cant deal with the rejection. Ive told him lets can-it plenty of times and he said no. He's asked me too and Ive said no. He was my friend and now I dont know him. To me that's a slap in the soul- greater than any lover desertion thing. One day a week kills all feelings. Today I called him and after a few seconds he said 'I have to go through my mail', and ended the conversation. That pisses me off. Im always after the smallest things and I allow myself to be put there. I complain to no good. Is that just his personality? Or does he do that because he doesnt like me? He's been doing it since day one. He's been spending alot of time with his wife. Summers and weekends they go to their shore house. Theyve been married 40 years and will be together forever. I think he likes her more now. When men get old do they give up the cheating thing? Or am I thinking that just cause he is over me. Sorry for being so dumb. I was a push-over the whole relationship anyway. What is self-esteem? How can I get better at it? Anybody know any good websites? Thanks everybody! Your posts always make me laugh. Marge
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Marge Is that just his personality? Or does he do that because he doesnt like me? He's been doing it since day one. He does it because he has no concern whatsoever for what your reaction might be. Have you considered setting up therapy for yourself? It sounds like you could really use someone to talk to, to help unsnarl your emotions.
DoggyDog Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Marge... Get away from this guy...Do you want to spend the rest of your life on "one day a week" and never know if you could find someone else to LOVE. You have spent 5 yrs....How would you like to spend 2 wks a YEAR for 20+ years?? Yes, it's true and now he is GONE....EXIT__O....Stayed put with the W of 27 yrs. So, please....tell hime to F....Off and leave you alone....My MM told me on the phone (not even in person) but I wish I looked him in the eye if I knew it was coming and told him to F....Off and have a "****" life....Do it...you will feel hurt and anger for a while then it turns to pure HATE for Hurting You...that's when you move on...Sorry for this time in your life. but I would have done it years ago when I looked so much younger..know what I mean....Know I'm older and I do regret this relationship...Don't do that to yourself. Take care L DD
Author Marge Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 I saw him today and because he told me Friday the whole thing was a tease I thought we would make up and make love today to get close again-wrong. He asked me to take a pregnancy test and i did. He is terrified of that and as usual he used it against me saying i am safe now so we cant have sex. he is going to cancun tues with his brother and the two wives and he said he already bought the condoms. To use with the cancun girls. He teased me all day about his wifes philipino(sp) friend- that she wants him and that she danced twice with him at his wifes x-mas party. Here I was again- dealing with the same nonsense and not getting close to him. He said he was going to decide whether to date her and let me know. At the end of the day he said it was all a tease, but he did say he wants to cut the rope with me. He will see me again before the trip and wants to do it then. I think he's nuts to screw up a good loving relationship. What should I do? If I cut it he will do something, if he cuts it im out too. I guess I dont have a choice. I cried today and let him know that he had replaced a certain family member of mine. He looked shocked but then went right back to his discussion. I told him I wanted to be his friend for life. Like he's family. He said dont worry just cut the rope and he will still see me. He said Im afraid the sex will be better with someone else and then he wont come back. Im not afraid of that. I just want a pristine relationship with no cheating. Everyday the hole gets deeper. And the end gets closer. Marge
Matilda Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Marge, It just hurts me to see you letting yourself be used like that, you're a better person than that. Why, oh why, would you even want to give that sorry man anymore of your time? I don't think you're facing reality, and I don't think you're reading any of the responses you've been given here. You need to wake up and see this man for what he is.
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Drop this guy like a hot tortilla...and if he shows up on your doorstep, call the cops!!! He's basically evil...he's just there to mess with your head. There is nothing good about him!!! I mean that...get the heck out of that relationship, and if you're scared about what he'll do, get help in getting him stopped. Go away for a while...have a friend over for a few days...whatever. GET OUT OF THIS!!!
scarletibis Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Oh my God, get rid of this a-hole NOW! He's so wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to list them all. This guy seems to only get pleasure from head games...like it's all one big mind-f*ck for him - and it's this that turns him on the most. I'm sooo agreeing with Owl...this man is E-V-I-L. No one should ever put up with this kind of treatment. He's got zero respect for you. He's playing with your head to amuse himself because he's just that sick. Get someone more derserving of you Marge, please!
Author Marge Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Thanks people. Tonight is rough. Im alone at work and it sucks. I know you are all right, but its hard to act and see when you are in the middle of it and holding onto the last thread of hope. I really dont want to start something new with somebody new. I knew better than to start this but it was good in the beginning. The teasing was always there but it was good. It hasnt been good in a long time, because I let him do what he wanted to by forcing me into 1 day a week. Im not good at moving on.......obviously. Im still living in the goodness of the beginning of the relationship. I didnt hear anybody say to stick around and wait til his insanity subsides. How about men that have to try to take a girl to bed to see if they still have it going on? If Im not mistaken this is an issue when men get older or think they might die. Im not trying to justify his behavior. I really want to know how I get what I want- to accept him as he is f-ing around, or leave him alone for awhile and hope he misses me and comes back. Should I tell him he's acting insane- to try and make him stop? Where are all the mid-life crisis men to shed some light on this topic? Thanks everybody. Im not trying to be a jerk by dragging out the post, I just want to know what works and how I can get a certain end result. The one I want of course. Marge
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I've followed your post, although I've refrained from posting until now. What you want is the impossible-you want a man that holds little to no respect for you, nevermind women in general, to change his ways and suddenly admit his undying love for you. It's not going to happen. It's frustrating. The one sure way to get what you want would be him to get a partial lombotomy. Otherwise, you're SOL. He's not going to change, he's going to give you an STD. I'll say it again. There is no way for you to get what you want out of this unless you change what you want. And I've got no suggestions on how to be happy with what he's giving you, which is a big lump of disrespect. This guy doesn't even CARE about you, at all.
songbird Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Stop it, Stop it ...... Just stop blaming him for your pain, look at yourself. You are just hurting yourself. So stop hurting yourself. He can not do to you what you are not allowing him to to do to you. Stop wearing your emotions on your sleeves, when it comes to him. Stop letting him know that he can hurt you. If you don't he is going to continue to treat you the way he has been treating you and as long as you accept it he's going to give it. So think about your "self-worth" are you important to yourself or are you nothing, because if this relationship continue that is the way you will always feel and that is what the outcome of it will be NOTHING Sorry for being so blunt about it, but come on now let's consider ourselves for once. What are we not doing for ourselves for us to allow the treatment that we receive from the MM? Stop making yourself available for one day you deserve more then that. even if you don't think so. All I know is what I've been reading and I feel that you deserve better. so come into your worth and believe in what you are worth . You will soon see that the investment in yourself will soon soar a record high. SongBird
Owl Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Marge- You asked for advice from men who'd "taken a girl to bed just to see if they still had it on"...or from those who have had mid-life issues. Well, have to admit I don't "quite" fall into either of those areas, but you've not had a response yet, so I'll give it a shot. I'm 38, but never strayed on my wife. Had opportunity, and yes, since her affair, I've wondered if there was something wrong with me, and fleetingly considered "trying it" with someone else to see what was it about me she didn't like....but I haven't, nor will I. And I think that THAT is a key difference in the kind of guy you're looking for. The guy your with CAN and WILL do that....obviously. I think that the advice you've gotten from everyone here about his motivations is dead on the money. He's not interested in you...he's only interested in what you can do for him. You need to get out of this relationship...while I'm not an advocate of cheating in any way, your situation seems worse for you than most...so bail now. Don't take the attitude that all the good ones are taken...while I AM ( ), there are guys out there. Worry about taking care of yourself for a change....and the rest will follow on its own. The good guys want a woman who can take care of herself. We need to be needed...but all guys like a woman who doesn't rely on us for everything too. Good luck friend.
Gem Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Gee Marge, I feel so bad for you. My MM was married for 38 years. I don't know how old you are...but he sounds like he calls all the shots...seeing you for 1 day a week is very severe, as you are filled with longing all the time except for those few precious hours. If there is anything you can do to fortify yourself against your MM's pull on you, please go all out to cultivate it... Some suggestions: reading this forum, reading books in the relationship section of Barnes &Noble that appeal to your particular pain, (bibliotherapy)...a trusted friend who can see situation for what it really is (was very helpful to me) Also, date others, whoever they are, go onto the internet and meet some men, because any baby steps you take to get away from him can lead to a new life eventually. "I really dont want to start something new with somebody new". This is very negative attitude? Why do you feel like this? Once I heard someone say, 'do you want to be out of the relationship more than you want to be in it?' and when you are in pain, this is a good idea...don't close yourself off to someone else out there that could knock your socks off, making MM look like a pig in comparison for all the cruelty he has freely thrown your way. Remember, don't cry, causes wrinkles! Time with MM=aging process! Gem
Zoot Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 To stop a relationship as destructive as this will take the same tenacity as trying to quit smoking. If you don't have that tenacity, you will be miserable for endless days and nights. Feeling out of control, unloved, on a roller coaster, second best. PLEASE make the right decision and decide a period of misery is better than a lifetime of it. If he loved you enough, he would be with you. There is no explanation beyond that. You can chose to be second best or chose to get the hell out. Your choice.
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