Murtz Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 When my ex broke up with me, she said that she really just wanted a break. I wont go into full detail about my situation as it simply seems like she has the G.I.G.S. but when someone says they just want a "break," do they ever mean it or are they just trying not to hurt your feelings after the break up.
Philosoraptor Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 No, there is no break. When someone asks for a break they are either too afraid to ask for a full out breakup or just want to keep you around as a backup option while they bang other people. Either way you need to respect yourself enough to move on rather than wasting what little precious time you have in this life waiting around for someone who has made a choice not to be with you anymore. 4
margot13 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Hmmm, yes my ex asked the same. And it is more for yourself, damaging to hope or believe in breaks. Or they are committed to making it work or not. I think it is really that simple....
Mondmellonw Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 It depends. I did this once, and it really helped me to see what I didn't wanted in our relationship. But in general terms, breaks are excuses for cowards... I have to admit I'll never do that again. In relationships, it's always like: "take it or leave it". 1
Author Murtz Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 It depends. I did this once, and it really helped me to see what I didn't wanted in our relationship. But in general terms, breaks are excuses for cowards... I have to admit I'll never do that again. In relationships, it's always like: "take it or leave it". So did you all get back after the break or was it still done after that. If you got back together how were things?
lil hoodlum Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 It depends. I did this once, and it really helped me to see what I didn't wanted in our relationship. But in general terms, breaks are excuses for cowards... I have to admit I'll never do that again. In relationships, it's always like: "take it or leave it". I agree, breaks are excuses for cowards. Heard the same thing from my ex. Look it really is quite simple, you are either in a relationship or not. You are either committed to working things out together or you aren't. 1
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 A "break" is a euphemism for, "I want to try this other guy on for size and see where that goes but I do not want to completely cut the cord with you in case this other guy doesn't work out. I want you to sit patiently on the shelf waiting for me to decide between you and this other guy, but I don't want you to move on with your life in case it doesn't work out with this other guy and I want to come back" The only minor deviation on that is if someone is real bored so they want to take a break to do some serious window shopping to see what else is out there on the market to see if they can do better. Those are really the only true reasons people take breaks. The actual formula goes like this -if someone wants to be with you, they stay with you. Period. If you really screw up and bungle it and hurt someone or royally piss them off, or if they find someone clearly head-and-shoulders better than you, they dump you. If you haven't committed any deal-breaker fouls and there isn't someone clearly better in their lap at the moment, but they are still unsatisfied and wondering if there is a bigger and better deal out there for them, they will ask for a break to check out some of the other merchandise. 2
BC1980 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 It's selfish to ask for a break because it only benefits the one asking for the break. I second what everyone else has said. If someone wants to be with you, they aren't going to be asking for a break. I think it's almost worse than a breakup because you are left in limbo, and, if you decided to walk away, you are forced into the role of the dumper. It's not fair. Actually, I just realized something. Maybe they want to force you into the role of the dumper. My ex did this to some extent. He broke up with me but for months would say that he just needed more time. He would say he wanted it to work, but he was unsure. So it kind of forced me to be the one to cut it off completely. Of course, had I gone NC from the start, none of that would have happened anyway. I think the main reason is wishy washy behavior. Confused people need to be left alone. Don't let their confusion become your problem. 1
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 The actual formula goes like this -if someone wants to be with you, they stay with you. Period. . Actually I can streamline this whole formula down more and save you a lot of future guesswork. Anything other than being together is a dumping, it's just using softer words. So, "I want a break" = dumping "I think we should see other people" = dumping "You are too good for me/you deserve better" = dumping " I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now" = dumping " We just need a little time apart" = dumping "I need to decide what I really want" = dumping " I like/love you but not in love with you (or feel "that way" about you) = dumping "I'd like to see you but I just have too much other stuff going on" = dumping "This isn't a good time for me right now" = dumping " I'm not over my ex" = dumping I could go on but you get the point. Basically if someone wants to be with you, they will be with without hesitations, reservations or disclaimers. Anything other than that means they no longer want to be with you and are looking for someone else. I wish someone shared that simple fact of life with me in my youth. It would have saved me a lot of waiting for people to get over their ex's and to decide what they want and find a time they weren't so busy. The best advice I can give anyone, man or woman, is keep moving forward with your life and do what you want to do and don't wait for a single soul for any reason. Either they are at your side and with you, or they get left behind. 4
rosedl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 It's selfish to ask for a break because it only benefits the one asking for the break. I second what everyone else has said. If someone wants to be with you, they aren't going to be asking for a break. I think it's almost worse than a breakup because you are left in limbo, and, if you decided to walk away, you are forced into the role of the dumper. It's not fair. Actually, I just realized something. Maybe they want to force you into the role of the dumper. My ex did this to some extent. He broke up with me but for months would say that he just needed more time. He would say he wanted it to work, but he was unsure. So it kind of forced me to be the one to cut it off completely. Of course, had I gone NC from the start, none of that would have happened anyway. I think the main reason is wishy washy behavior. Confused people need to be left alone. Don't let their confusion become your problem. Amen. My boyfriend wanted space. Two or three months to deal with some real practicalities and stress. At first. Then, he was weighing out single versus freedom. When finally I just said, this is not about space, this is about a cyclic pattern you have around relationships and you are just doing it all over again (he broke up with me once already and he had these huge insights and came back), he then broke up with me again and BLAMED me for it. The worst part with this situation were the huge swings of total closeness and then total rejection. Confusing and awful. And, I ended up kind of being the dumper without wanting to end the relationship but drawing boundaries pushed me into being the default dumper. Sucks to be BOTH the dumper and dumpee. He is the dumper in reality. JERK 1
pickflicker Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 You're either in, or you're out. No middle ground. Some things are just that simple. 3
Haydn Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 When someone wants a break its best no to hang around.
EuTuBrute Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Lol my ex gf of 2.5 years asked for a "break"...she was a coward because i know she couldn't pull the trigger so she basically pushed me to the point of me breaking up with her. And guess what it made me look like the bad guy. Its BS. In retrospect she played it well. She got what she wanted (Breakup) and got away "guilt free" Break = Break up Dont let any one fool you.. Girls are smart
Philosoraptor Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 It depends. I did this once, and it really helped me to see what I didn't wanted in our relationship. But in general terms, breaks are excuses for cowards... I have to admit I'll never do that again. In relationships, it's always like: "take it or leave it". So did you all get back after the break or was it still done after that. If you got back together how were things? Ugh, always hurts a little to read this. If even one person gives hope to those desperately looking for a reason to hang on that's the only thing said person will hang on to. I may come off a bit blunt or harsh at times, but most people come here looking for someone to reaffirm their hope and for people to agree with them. I've seen threads with 50 replies that said no, but the one that said yes was the only thing the OP was concerned with. "So you're saying there's a chance?", "These other people don't know the true love that we have".... always leaves me with a . 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I had seen this lady six times over almost six weeks and tonight she says she wants a break. She said she thinks things need to slow down. So why not slow them down I ask? She said isn't that a break? I'm like, no, a break is a cessation, slowing things down would be extending time between seeing each other. She even said I like spending time you, you're a nice guy, etc. WTF? I know six time seen does not a relationship make. But where do people come up with this break stuff? I am so miffed right now!!
todreaminblue Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 i think some people think that a break helps clarify a relationship.....i am under the belief that a break breaks a relationship with lack of communication and compromise........loving someone to me is not wanting to breakor call break time....it isnt recess but work it out togethr not apart......deb
deathandtaxes Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 But it's not like we have a relationship. We've only been out six times. But the chemistry is good and we can talk to each other and get long fine. It's just all of a sudden tonight she wants to get really honest and leads to the break. Which I'm sure she had been thinking about anyways. But why would somebody want a break when you've only gone out six times? That doesn't make any sense to me. The more I think about it, the more miffed I get. I'm not going to tell her off, but I may just go NC instead. 1
Eau Claire Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 You seem quite reasonable in your postings. This may not apply to your situation but women can feel intimidated in a relationship (read the the misogynist ramblings of some posters). They are not 'Cowards' in not being more forthright. They are being cautious not to press the wrong button and invoke an abusive response. Better to be safe and fade away. Again. Nothing to do with you but sometimes a bad experience with a previous partner. 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I almost started a new thread about what happened tonight. But I saw this thread so I thought I would ask. I laud this lady's honesty in telling me she doesn't quite know what she wants. But on the one hand she says nice things about me and then the other she wants a break. And I forgot to mention I met her through OLD, so I am sure that plays a part, the whole GIGS crapola. I'm not going to contact her again. I honestly don't know if I'll respond to any entreaties from her in the future. This feels like rejection. Why should I agree to go out whenever she doesn't feel like being on a break with me? It's absurd.
Author Murtz Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Ugh, always hurts a little to read this. If even one person gives hope to those desperately looking for a reason to hang on that's the only thing said person will hang on to. I may come off a bit blunt or harsh at times, but most people come here looking for someone to reaffirm their hope and for people to agree with them. I've seen threads with 50 replies that said no, but the one that said yes was the only thing the OP was concerned with. "So you're saying there's a chance?", "These other people don't know the true love that we have".... always leaves me with a . I know it might look that way, but I understand why everyone thinks breaks are just nice way of saying break up. There is no questions or any response to really say to that. However that fact that one person said something that was contrary I was just curious if it worked out.
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