3 weeks dating no sex. very shy and reserved.

[evade]

dating a new one. were in it 3 weeks now. 6-7 dates. sms all day. we talk on the phone once or twice a day. no sex yet. never had this before. never went past 2 weeks without sex. and all were always LTR. I want to throw in the towel at one month. im 40 shes 43. she has 2 kids. she sees im serious and comitted but crap I cant go more than a month. thats ridiculous.

 

shes a bit closed, a bit reserved or traditional midset. she giggles when I kiss her. she says its awkward and shy shes kissing in public. but its the same even in a parking lot in her car at 1 in the morning when no one is around. so its no only the public thing but on the whole she is a reserved quiet person when in regard to intimacy. I also noticed she is also not as emotional or sensitive as I am regarding intimacy. I think I will scare her in bed. I have a very strong intuition and its telling me she is very vanilla in bed.

 

im a very touchy feely guy and walked away from another relationship because she didnt have that with other relationships/guys she was with. I like holding hands in public when walking. I made my point known to her. she didnt change and so had to walk away. because I will not be reserved and hold back affection of caressing touching kissing in public or anywhere. im not getting undressed or acting in a weird way.

 

yesterday we went to a restaurant at almost 10. we were there till around 11:45 then walked her to her car, a pitiful kiss and hug and bye sweetheart. I was pissed. I went home and my mind was racing. then I had a bad dream with her and you know how that is. even if it didnt really happen you find them guilty and youre pissed at them all day.

 

shes a widow. hasnt been in a relationship in 3 years. she said she likes me very much and its weird for her with the touchy feely and she never had that with anyone. it takes her a long time to open up. she is very closed and doesnt talk much. but to me sex is a big part of the relationship and Im holding myself from walking away. we only made out once and it was 2nd base kinda make out. but usually the women want to eat me like I do them and this one is giving me a hard time.

 

suggestions? stay or go? not sure if she'll change as im very sexually open and shes very reserved. and I will not go her way. she has to come my way nothing. im not giving up on being affectionate and loving.

 

there are a lot of guys who wont show affection or love so their women feels undesired and has low self esteem. I am the opposite. I love to make her feel beautiful and sexy and desired and make her feel good. its the only way I know.

Edited January 15, 2014 by evade

[mariposa_13]

Have you perhaps asked her how she feels about PDA's or affection in general? Maybe tell her I love kissing you and hugging you...but I sense you don't. see what she says?

[PegNosePete]

Have you let her know how you feel?

If not, why not?

If so, what does she say, and is it acceptable to you?

[evade]

Have you perhaps asked her how she feels about PDA's or affection in general? Maybe tell her I love kissing you and hugging you...but I sense you don't. see what she says?

 

thanks for the reply. today out of anger from the dream, I sent her an sms "good morning sweethear, hope you slept well. I slept like ****. when youre free, I would like to talk with you. no rush" and then it escalated and "im worried now"

 

I explained my said but couldnt bring myself to say "hey WTF? no sex, 3 weeks? im on the verge of walking away" but I dont want to beg for sex. its embarrassing and never had that before. it always was that woman couldnt keep her hands off me like I on her. and with her she is not touching or feeling or groping or nothing. its kissing hugging, hand caressing leaning on my shoulder but nothing more. im not used to this slow speed.

 

if I walk away she will lose. im a great guy and she knows it. im the real deal. dont want to sound like a snob but thats how it is. I told her I cant help myself when im around her. thats how I am. she says she likes it but its going to take her time to get used to it. I dont have patience for this. its either built into you or not. I will give it a week but even after all the talk we had today im feeling very stressed inside.

 

we go on dates to expensive restaurants, I pay. its a lot of money. I put a lot of effort in and I dont have patience. I dont want her taking me for a ride. making believe she likes me but just wants to be treated to restaurants movies whatever. Im not happy at all inside

[acrosstheuniverse]

I totally got where you were coming from until I saw the 'she's a widow' part, and that she's been single three years. Is that since the death of her husband?

 

You haven't been dating very long, and it might be a HUGE thing for her to think about being intimate with somebody else since she lost her husband. Have you tried speaking to her about how she feels about intimacy? It might be that you two just aren't compatible, if she's screaming vanilla at you and you're anything but. Nobody is in the wrong, you might just be differently sexually charged.

[PegNosePete]

I dont have patience for this.

Well, it seems you have answered your own question then.

[evade]

I told her today but told her everything is slow and im not used to it. she asked what do you mean by slow, sex? and I didnt bring it up and said no, I meant that it seems that our relationship is moving slow in the building phase.

but this friday will be it. if there is nothing going forward I will walk away. to me sex and intimacy is a very big deal.

 

like many guys who have sex and lose the urge to love, for me it strengthens. it makes me want to love more. damn love hormone oxytocin.

[evade]

Well, it seems you have answered your own question then.

 

yea..im not happy inside. not happy at all. she doesnt touch, or show feedback that she desires me, although she has said it that she finds me very attractive and shes not playing with me. at most it would be 2 dates if she didnt think it would be serious and can lead to something.

 

my friend says that not many women like PDA. is this true? I love hugging. discrete kissing, holding hands caressing. the same amount as youd see if you went to france. all done in taste and tact.

 

but crap inside im very restless. almost to the point I want to send her a message right now telling her im out.

[evade]

This one is damaged goods. I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. That and she's just using you for free dinners and drinks.

 

I have that running in my head very vividly now. thats my suspicion as well. every woman I courted couldnt keep their hands off me. this one is playing cool. WTF. im restless and so wound up now.

[mammasita]

I think you're putting alot of weight on the act of sex alone - I think you need to be a little more patient there, however I can understand your frustration in other areas.

 

She doesn't seem very affectionate AT ALL. I mean a 40 year old woman giggling after a kiss? Does she even give you any tongue? Feel you up any? If not, That would be a total deal breaker for me alone.

[Philosoraptor]

Haha you make it seem like she owes you something. She's been honest and responsive to your comments. She's said she is working through this and it's going to be slow. You either accept it and continue to enjoy getting to know her or you let her know the relationship isn't working out.

 

But between the angry texts, the "I spent a whole lot of money on her", and expecting sex 3 weeks into getting to know her you seem like a total douche. Sounds like you're one of those "nice guys" who is really a butthole.

[evade]

I think you're putting alot of weight on the act of sex alone - I think you need to be a little more patient there, however I can understand your frustration in other areas.

 

She doesn't seem very affectionate AT ALL. I mean a 40 year old woman giggling after a kiss? Does she even give you any tongue? Feel you up any? If not, That would be a total deal breaker for me alone.

 

OH! nice point. good you asked cause I forgot. we kiss and she is very closed lipped. not relaxed and I ask to give me her tongue and she doesnt do it. she giggles and nothing. and in my mind its "WTF!?" and I have great hygiene so that isnt it. and my im very subtle with my kissing. I dont want to scare her aware and be too strong. no feeling at all. and im very fit. tall and workout and I cant understand wtf is holding her. this is bad for me. its killing my ego as well. women want to feel desired but so do men.

 

for me the sex part is about bonding. about the love and passion. its not about the act. I need the lovemaking to love more. I dont get that or affection and my love for the person diminishes and I then walk away. its not only about the sex but I think the sex part is not the nasty hot, let me cum to feel part. its emotional and bonding for me.

[evade]

Haha you make it seem like she owes you something. She's been honest and responsive to your comments. She's said she is working through this and it's going to be slow. You either accept it and continue to enjoy getting to know her or you let her know the relationship isn't working out.

 

But between the angry texts, the "I spent a whole lot of money on her", and expecting sex 3 weeks into getting to know her you seem like a total douche. Sounds like you're one of those "nice guys" who is really a butthole.

 

Thanks for your insight, but no. youre wrong.

[Philosoraptor]

Thanks for your insight, but no. youre wrong.

I read your other thread here... I'd be hard pressed to go against my original opinion.

 

You seem to feel very entitled and lack empathy. Also show signs of a superiority complex as both threads you like to emphasize that these women will have issues finding partners and you'll have no issue finding a replacement. If that were so, then stop settling for these "charity" cases.

 

The truth is you're showing both your insecurities and selfishness. You repeatedly refer to "love", but sex doesn't make you fall in love and if you were in love then you would be patient with her.

 

Another entitled "nice guy".

[crude]

All you know about her now is that she likes going to expensive restaurants for free. If you keep paying, that's probably all you'll ever know until the relationship ends. The only way to find out is to tell her it's HER turn to take YOU out and pay. If she won't, then you'll have your answer.

[evade]

I read your other thread here... I'd be hard pressed to go against my original opinion.

 

You seem to feel very entitled and lack empathy. Also show signs of a superiority complex as both threads you like to emphasize that these women will have issues finding partners and you'll have no issue finding a replacement. If that were so, then stop settling for these "charity" cases.

 

The truth is you're showing both your insecurities and selfishness. You repeatedly refer to "love", but sex doesn't make you fall in love and if you were in love then you would be patient with her.

 

Another entitled "nice guy".

 

And yet youre here posting thousands of posts, probably not dating. single bitter and letting out your frustrations here by criticizing others, right?

 

IOTH have dates all the time. I chose the women I date, I dont wait for scraps or for someone to choose me. I read the posts here a lot and you are here non stop bitching and crying. go out on dates instead of crying and throwing your bitterness at others.

 

you cannot fall in love just by having sex but its the process one goes through to fall in love when you bond.

 

and yes, I am the 10% that women go for. I know what im worth. dont be jealous. jealousy is bad personality trait. it will get you nowhere. look what you have in your plate not in others to compare

[Shosh]

never went past 2 weeks without sex.

 

Wow, really? OK, since you asked for advice here is mine: Walk away!

 

I get the feeling from your thread that you are not compatible in an area that seems very important to you - sex and physical intimacy. You come across as very intense and passionate, whereas she seems to be more mellow and likes to take it slow. I don't see how this is going to work out long term so I suggest you end it sooner rather than later to minimize the hurt she might feel.

[evade]

All you know about her now is that she likes going to expensive restaurants for free. If you keep paying, that's probably all you'll ever know until the relationship ends. The only way to find out is to tell her it's HER turn to take YOU out and pay. If she won't, then you'll have your answer.

 

It makes a lot of sense. I will give it till friday. we go out twice a week or so. if I dont something that will change then I will have no choice. I feel as if im begging and I never had to beg for sex, or even ask. the girls wanted to as much as I did.

she is positive in her sms though so maybe I need to really be patient. but I cant deal with no contact. it feels like were still stuck in the first/second date.

 

Im not demanding anything. there are tons of women and I dont feel I should get sex. but we both want the same things. she can see im serious. she sees who I am. I dont eff around. I want commitment. were not 20 years old. weve been around the block. Ill see how it goes.

[d0nnivain]

If you are the first man she's dated since her husband died, She's probably scared & confused. The "rules" have all changed since she last went on a date.

 

 

6-7 dates over 3 weeks is a nice pace but I wouldn't be anywhere near ready to talk about being exclusive with you which I require before sex.

 

 

You don't know where her head is at. Try talking to her. Ask her how SHE feels about PDA. Tell her you would like more handholding & genuine affection. She what she says & does in response.

 

 

Otherwise you can just dump her & let her be one of those women left wondering what she did wrong & why the seemingly nice guy just up & left or she'll end up in the camp of women who all think men only want "one thing."

[Philosoraptor]

And yet youre here posting thousands of posts, probably not dating. single bitter and letting out your frustrations here by criticizing others, right?

 

IOTH have dates all the time. I chose the women I date, I dont wait for scraps or for someone to choose me. I read the posts here a lot and you are here non stop bitching and crying. go out on dates instead of crying and throwing your bitterness at others.

 

you cannot fall in love just by having sex but its the process one goes through to fall in love when you bond.

 

and yes, I am the 10% that women go for. I know what im worth. dont be jealous. jealousy is bad personality trait. it will get you nowhere. look what you have in your plate not in others to compare

Um, I'm engaged and getting married in June to an amazing woman (if you actually read my posts or looked at my profile you would know this, even have pictures in the profile)... I offer no bitterness, only honesty.

 

Struck a nerve have I? I certainly hope you're a troll.

[evade]

Wow, really? OK, since you asked for advice here is mine: Walk away!

 

I get the feeling from your thread that you are not compatible in an area that seems very important to you - sex and physical intimacy. You come across as very intense and passionate, whereas she seems to be more mellow and likes to take it slow. I don't see how this is going to work out long term so I suggest you end it sooner rather than later to minimize the hurt she might feel.

 

once it went to the 4th day. but she was testing me. I dont sleep around but every relationship was a long term one and it happened within 2-3 dates. I like her a lot. I see potential. but not only is there an issue where she doesnt initiate physical contact, I can sense her body language that she doesnt want me to try. not good. at least I let her know how I feel (more or less, shes a smart girl, she knows 2+2) so she will make the change if she wants me and her to get stronger. hoping friday is better.

[evade]

Um, I'm engaged and getting married in June to an amazing woman (if you actually read my posts or looked at my profile you would know this, even have pictures in the profile)... I offer no bitterness, only honesty.

 

Struck a nerve have I? I certainly hope you're a troll.

 

on the internet you can be who you want no, not a troll.

[Iguanna]

I don't want to offend you or anything, but I suggest you let this woman go and find a guy with whom she will share similar ethical and behavioral opinions. You are too arrogant in my opinion and you expect her to become what you expect a woman to be so you accept her, like she has no expectations or rights to choose how she wants a man to be. Have you thought that maybe this same moment she is writing another post saying "I like this man a lot but he is pushing me to have sex and become intimate with him, while it's my character to take my time to become intimate and connect with someone, what do you suggest me to do? Does he want me only for sex? Why isn't he respecting my point of view and my needs?" ?

 

Think about it.

[evade]

I don't want to offend you or anything, but I suggest you let this woman go and find a guy with whom she will share similar ethical and behavioral opinions. You are too arrogant in my opinion and you expect her to become what you expect a woman to be so you accept her, like she has no expectations or rights to choose how she wants a man to be. Have you thought that maybe this same moment she is writing another post saying "I like this man a lot but he is pushing me to have sex and become intimate with him, while it's my character to take my time to become intimate and connect with someone, what do you suggest me to do? Does he want me only for sex? Why isn't he respecting my point of view and my needs?" ?

 

Think about it.

 

You didnt offend me at all. we can have an open conversation. look back and see I never said anything about sex. I never mentioned it to her because I feel very awkward mentioning sex. I feel like im begging. you are right that we have different mindsets. behavioral but not ethics. ethics has nothing to do with this.

 

what do you mean choose? like when we have sex? hasnt she done that till now? she did choose. we are going by what she decides. and right now its in the "no" stage. I can accept it or walk away. but like I said, she will lose if I walk away. yes I am arrogant.

 

she wouldnt post on forums. shes a bit closed so I highly doubt it. but its not rellevant. I have to decide at the end if this suits me or not.

 

Im very understanding and if she said to me she has a problem with something I would very much consider it. but about intimacy, there is nothing to talk about. im more sexually open and willing to try anything and to me she is a bit more traditional vanilla/missionary. cowgirl would probably be too mcuh actions.

 

I dont think I asked much anyway. I dont ask anything I cant give myself. think about this. would you be in a relationship where you were affectionate and caring and touchy feely and your partner was not? and im only talking about this so dont bring up "well he/she make up for it with other things"

 

intimacy and love/caring/affection is a huge part for me. its how I love and once that isnt there I have to walk away. I love to love and if she doesnt allow me then there is no reason for me to be there. and thats the reason why Im successful with women because they look for a guy like me who isnt afraid to show love.

[Divasu]

If you are the first man she's dated since her husband died, She's probably scared & confused. The "rules" have all changed since she last went on a date.

 

 

6-7 dates over 3 weeks is a nice pace but I wouldn't be anywhere near ready to talk about being exclusive with you which I require before sex.

 

 

You don't know where her head is at. Try talking to her. Ask her how SHE feels about PDA. Tell her you would like more handholding & genuine affection. She what she says & does in response.

 

 

Otherwise you can just dump her & let her be one of those women left wondering what she did wrong & why the seemingly nice guy just up & left or she'll end up in the camp of women who all think men only want "one thing."

 

This... Personally, it took me a full year after a long relationship ended (this is YEARS ago) before getting physical with a man again.

 

You have different expectations, they don't align with hers. Talk about it with her, or, find someone who can fulfill more of your wants/needs. Sometimes, we try to fit a square peg into a hole and it just doesn't fit. Yet, we bang our heads against the wall trying to figure out why. And, for what? Don't let this frustrate you more than it needs to...