Girlfriend called off our break

[lostsoul6486]

Hey, all. Take a look at this post for background if necessary: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/455151-break-hurt. I posted this thread yesterday, but things have changed and now the situation has changed a bit. Long story short, my girlfriend and I decided to go on a two week break because she needed space.

 

So she called me yesterday afternoon and said that she didn't want to have a break. She said that she loves me and can't live without me and she was sorry for saying anything the night before. She also said that pretty much everything she said stemmed from her fear of me breaking up with her. She thought about what she said on the phone and she realized that her fear of me leaving her was irrational and that she shouldn't have told me anything. Her feeling of insecurity has just been there for a while and she finally let it out.

 

One thing I forgot to mention in my first post is that she also said that she felt indebted to me and she used that as part of the reason for the guilt she felt when she was with her friends when she could have been with me instead. So last night I had a talk with her. I told her that I understand that she felt scared and insecure, but that I never wanted her to tell me that she felt indebted to me again. She turned away and told me that that's the way she feels and that she didn't want to talk about it. I explained to her that I don't do anything for her with the expectation of her owing me anything. Everything I do, I do it out of love and nothing else. I also told her that I don't want her to be with me because she feels indebted, but because she loves me. I asked her if she was with me because she felt indebted and let her know that if she is, this was eventually going to end when she felt that she no longer owed me anything. She gave me her word that that's not the case and that she loves me. I don't want her to feel indebted, but I don't know if there's anything I could do about it

[d0nnivain]

What she is currently saying doesn't square with the idea that she wanted to go out with the other guy who asked her for a date.

 

 

You don't consider dating others because you are scared your current SO is going break up with you.

 

 

If she's telling you that she's committed to your relationship fine but let me suggest this to you before you agree: she already knows what it feels like to walk away from you. There is very little stopping her from doing it again.

[fluffball825]

From reading your other post and then this one I would say that your gf doesn't know at all what she wants. And I'm afraid to say I don't think it's you she wants. She admits herself she is afraid of being alone and she hasn't ever really been alone and becaus of this it sounds like she's settling. To even consider saying yes to a date with another guy means she desired this other guy. If she truly loved you she wouldn't be desiring others.

 

She doesn't want to talk about things and this is a lack of communication, she wishes she never told you anything which really isn't good as if she's not going to tell you how she feels you will never be able to grow in your relationship. For a relationship to work you can't have secrets you can't have bad communication, all it will result in is the relationship breaking and breaking badly. all the resentment will poor out eventually and it will hurt.

 

If you have any chance if making things like work with her you need to both be on a break but it doesn't mean you don't talk instead you need to get together and talk deeply and intensely about how both of you feels. Every feeling needs to be expressed big or small. and if you both decide you do love each other and you feel closer than ever then you get back together. If not you go your seperate ways. From personal experience if she really does love you she will do whatever she can to make it work even if that's pouring out her heart and making herself very vulnerable to you she will do it. If she doesn't then I'm afraid you both have no chance with each other.

 

hope this helps.

[salparadise]

Dude, you're getting way too much if she loved you this, and if she loved you that bullsh*t... Nobody can read her mind, intentions or subconscious that literally. All you really know is that the attachment is pretty strong and she's dealing with the old fear of engulfment/fear of abandonment issues (which is a red flag you should acknowledge).

 

My advice would be to just slow things down, pay attention and remain somewhat objective. You said you have only been seeing her for a few months, so it's probably too soon draw a lot of conclusions. It usually takes four to six months for true colors to show through. You only want to ride roller coasters at the amusement park.

 

Look for consistency between words and actions along with calmness, dedication and rationality. Figure out if this little episode was an anomaly or the tip of an iceberg. Be steady yourself and keep one hand on the ripcord as you figure out what she's made of. Good luck.

Edited January 15, 2014 by salparadise