lavenderlove Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 (edited) While I was hopelessly searching this site for answers over the course of last year after my breakup with my love of 8 years and beyond I made one decision. Once my life gets better I will write one of those 'hey guys I have been there, got through and just letting you know there is a world of sunshine out there' kind of posts to cheer up whoever is feeling as lost, lonely and hurt as I have felt 9 months ago. So here is my story. I have loved a man with all my heart, I gave up my country, within it my family and my business to live with him with the promise that we will get married and bond for good. As time for the proposal kept sliding and sliding I found myself staring at a postal parcel shoved onto a shelf in our hall containing the engagement ring the jeweller sent us, staring at it a few times a day for four weeks. Meanwhile my loved one was as distant as ever and I won't go into all the details of how and why, but put shortly I ran completely out of steam. I was empty. I was so broken inside - I gave up. This is a huge thing for me, because I am the kind of girl who never ever ever gives up. So, then life turned crazy. I moved out, had a super dodgy part time job to support myself and was still managing my own business, which costed more than what it brought in. I moved into shared accommodation which went well at first, then it declined as I realised my housemates just don't get past the friendly how are you chitchat.....ever. So I lived on. I made some wonderful friends, well one friend, then an other one and now I have a handful of really amazing people around me. Disaster struck when I lost my job, me and 300 other people got the sack in a massive company crash. So I was out of a job. Then my housemates asked me to move out too. Great! And obviously there is no need to mention just how heartbroken I was all this time. I tried being friends with my ex, which didn't work, because I loved him. But somehow, having some space for myself and lovely friends to talk to I became to feel better. There was a lot of anxiety in me regarding "will i ever be loved again?'' Am I attractive? Is this how life will be form now on? etc. So once I lost my job I thought stuff it. I am just going to enjoy life, and make the most of it, because clearly I can't get lower than this. And there was a birthday party, where I met mr amazing perfect, I am in love, he is the one, he is the man i will marry etc ...guy. So we ****ed like rabbits for the coming months. What did skip my attention was, that there is literally no common ground between us besides that we love the same way. THAT is super important, but on it's own it isn't enough. What about food, movies, culture, style and so on? Conversation? So in the meantime I found a better job, got promoted straight away. Then I applied for my dreamjob (the one that is easy to do and pays tonnes of money for actions I don't have apply my soul, because the latter is kept for my own business), and I got it. Now that was a highlight! Also, I found the most amazing little apartment I ever lived in, just picture perfect. But, the relationship with my new boyfriend started to drive me insane, I started thinking about my ex, comparing them and so on. I thought to myself. Ok, maybe it's time to see a therapist. It was the best investment I ever made. Highly recommend it. I found out a lot about myself, most importantly, that I haven't been single for more that 5 months in one go in my life since my first bf (sweet 16) and all together I have been single since then for about 14 moths in TOTAL! I am 28. I had like 10 bf's. And every time I was single I had the most amazing time of my life, very creative and just magical times. So i broke up with my boyfriend, even though he was everything my ex wasn't: he loved me he committed to me, for him I was #1. He was promising life partner material. I started living life by being completely alone and not seeing anyone including friends for the whole holiday period (3 weeks), and I had the most amazing time. I am getting to know myself and learning about my addiction to relationships, and establishing routines to balance my new full time job with my own work. I started jogging (after the breakup I did the whole spin class madness, now I run in the forest next to my place EVERY morning I run to a little lake and tell something to it each day, I resolve lots of staff while running). By changing my perspective with my own work over the holidays I started working on staff I gave up on years ago...big projects, things that I failed before and things that matter. I suffered and grew a lot last year, and this year will be the year where I allow myself to unfold. My new year resolution is to be the best of who I am, without applying stupid rules to my life, but doing those things I always wanted but never had the strength to do. So as I look back I can conclude that I became a better version of myself since last year, and I also concluded recently, that since I want to have an amazing partner who inspires me to do the things I want to do in life, such as having kids, I don't under any circumstance would get back with my ex. Because he let me go, he let me fall, and the only way he would have a child would be by accident...maybe not even then. So he could come to me me with the most romantic proposal and promises about family etc I would say no. Because he let me go. I want a man who would never do that. Who could never do that, who would fight for us. That's what I want (and the culture extras), and I will get it, because i am not going to stop searching until I find him. And I can do that because I am not scared of being alone anymore. So this is my story. I know it's not as sugar coated as some, but this is life, this is it, it's not going to get better unless you pick yourself up over and over again. Loads of self searching must be done. I am battling my issues, and it is the most liberating thing I have ever done. Because doing the same things you get the same results. I think I changed for the better, and things are much better. so best of luck guys P.S.: I never abided the no contact rule, instead I abused my ex, befriended him, confessed my love to him and he just rode the waves with me. This is one thing to thank him for. The last time I spoke to him was last november regarding our breakup...things that came up in therapy. Since then I am doing NC. I am still doing it, and will be doing it. For ever. I love him as a person though....just like the way I like to smoke and eat cookies and cream ice cream at midnight while watching Six feet under. Toxic Edited January 15, 2014 by lavenderlove 2
RDawg Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Wow. Interesting.. thanks for coming back to share. I like the way you never stuck to NC and that he "rode those waves with you". Good to thrash it all out if the other person will let you, and then go full NC.
Recommended Posts