Afailure Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 So,it's been 8 months since the break up happened and i thought i would recover a bit by now,but i haven't even though the relationship was only 2 months and 2 weeks.This was my first relationship and most probably last,it was all my fault. Ever dreamed of that nice girl?The pure girl who was not outgoing,never dressed provocative,did not like go clubbing and just wanted patience and respect?The girl that when you have ,you swore you would never let a day go by in which you won't try to make her laugh and smile?The dream girl with which the relationship would have been a smooth cruise with no bumps? The girl that every guy dreams of,the girl who has never been with anyone else and you are her first love,as if she has been kept especially for you. But when you finnally have her,when you get what you wanted so hard and fail to keep the promise you made to yourself of never making her sad,never argue with her and take things slow.When you do what you swore never to do and lose her forever,what do you do?When the love for her is so intense that you want things to progress faster despite her asking you to take it slower but your mind is clouded.When you argue with her because of fear she might be going away from you and,ironically,you are the one who is pushing her away. How do you,after years of struggling to succeed in getting in a relationship but failed,finnally find someone who loves you,and lose her, deal with it? When you see her with someone else and remember that you were in his place and still could have been if you did things differently,when you know and feel that he will be the one whom she will marry and he will be the luckiest man alive,while you are left broken,in pieces,cursing everyday of your life,unable to get yourself back together. I had this girl and i failed to keep my promise,every advice i have received is to move on and find someone else,that "there are plenty of fish in the sea".How can you settle for a "simple fish" when you had the golden one which everyone chases and only a select and lucky few get? I will never forgive myself,no other girl comes even close that what she was,she was the kind of girl that would be by your side for life if you knew how to treat her. My plan was to be the best boyfriend to her and i failed.It's been so long that i now try to avoid talking about her as people will start calling me crazy. They don't understand how it is,that unbearable agony in which the mere memory of your loved one becomes a poison that you wish you'd have your memory erased or,even give up on your life. I now understand,i used to look at people crying over a break up as weird,weak.That every woman is the same and there is exception to that,but i guess the joke's on me,i met that rare exception of a girl. Part of me prays that her new relationship will fail and her new man to dissapoint and realise that i truly loved her like no one else could.It is a selfish and evil thought i know but i just can't take it anymore.I could have made her happy despite my flaws. I feel like i'm losing my mind,i can't cope with it,why did it have to be like this?I didn't mean harm,i only wanted the best and everything came out bad.... I expect answers like :"if you love her,you let her be happy with whom she wants".I understand but no one will ever love her the way i do,i'm not saying he doesn't love her,but he will never love her the way i do. Deep down i wish i'd just die,i have no joy and purpose in life anymore,i have failed the most important person in my life... I'm on the road to madness,i have been through so much,she was my salvation but i pushed her away. She said she wasn't ready for sex and because of stress i answered:"when will you be,after marriage?"i can't believe i said that,what was i thinking? But yet she forgave me and still wanted to continue,i should've woken up by then but i didn't,2 weeks after that incident i started another argument with her and that was the last straw. I'm such a pathetic human being.. The only person i want is her,i miss her so much,i can't forget the feeling of holding her hand ,the way she hugged me and the taste of her lips when we kissed. There is no hope for me anymore,i promised i would be different and wait for the right girl but i pushed her away.She ignores me now,and when she sees me she turns her look elsewhere and when she does look at me for a split second,she looks at me in disgust. I did not hit,cheat or insult her,i neglected her wishes and had some arguments all started by me,when she told me she reached the conclusion that we did not match i panicked,i told her things like : "you never loved me" "what did i mean to you?the guy who just takes you out in the park? "you think you're the only one who made sacrifices?everytime a friend asked me out i said no to meet you" "why didn't you let me meet you parents?" I did not mean these words,and in truth i did not sacrifice anything,but she did.I just lost it during the break up... She said i didn't respect her words and rushed into things and she was right,i was immature and wanted things to progress things extremely fast.I was also suffocating as i wanted to spend all my time with her,it was wrong but i loved her like a madman. I miss her more than words can say,i tried 3 times to make her give me one last chance but she refused saying she didn't feel anything for me anymore and that once she makes a decision she doesn't look back,i tried to convince her i realised what i did wrong and that i wouldn't repeat it.She said she hopes my feelings will go away as there's no point in me suffering and hopes that i will find a girl that i can be happy with.She is the only who i can be happy with. I have learned from my mistakes but too late,why did i not cherish her more?What the hell was going on with my mind?If i had that last chance it would have been a totally different relationship,it would have been a like a new one,and this time,i wouldn't have failed in making her happy. I would give anything,ANYTHING to have her back,even if it means enduring an eternity of torture,just to have her back,even if it's for just one minute.
Philosoraptor Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 First, seek therapy. Your outlook is not healthy. No one is worth dying over. If you were able to get one great girl that means you have the skills in you to get another. Right now you need to take care of yourself and find happiness in your own life. You will not be able to find someone or make them happy until you have happiness within. You need to stop asking so many questions. The past is the past and it has happened... you can not go back and you can not change it. All you can do is learn from it. All you'll ever have control over is this moment you're living in right now, so make it a good moment. 4
RDawg Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 You are not a failure. You are young. Life is not playing a trick on you. Your destiny just lies elsewhere. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 You are not broken beyond repair but you do have unreasonable expectations. You said this was your 1st relationship yet you expected it to be "a smooth cruise with no bumps." I don't know about you, but most people don't do anything perfectly the 1st time they do it. Relationships are very complex & very few people spend the rest of their lives with their 1st loves. You have to go forward because you can't move backwards. Since you mentioned praying, instead of asking God to make her relationship fail, why not ask Him for his grace to help you through this difficult time & guide you to your correct mate. Going forward, look back on the things you know you did wrong in this relationship so you don't make those same mistakes again. If purity & "made only for you" are important to you, I would expect that the girl you love would only be ready for sex after marriage. For you to expect someone who is "nice", "pure", "respectful" & "patient" to give it up to you before marriage is not fair. It's absolutely absurd that you expected sex with this type of girl 2 months into your relationship! The girl you claim to want will never do that. If you want immediate sex before marriage try dating the provocative girls who go clubbing. You also recognize that you were smothering her. That is one of the fastest ways to kill a relationship. People need some space & independence. Declarations of love that early on -- 10 weeks of dating (2 months & 2 weeks) ring hallow & are usually not real. Back off. Love takes time to develop. She's not coming back & you have to face that. You have now spent 4x the length of the relationship mourning it's ending. You have to snap out of it. Talk to your parents. Talk to a counselor. Do something but move forward. Finally, the fact that she wouldn't introduce you to her parents is a huge red flag. Then again, it may have been too soon. 1
Author Afailure Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 (edited) You are not broken beyond repair but you do have unreasonable expectations. You said this was your 1st relationship yet you expected it to be "a smooth cruise with no bumps." I don't know about you, but most people don't do anything perfectly the 1st time they do it. Relationships are very complex & very few people spend the rest of their lives with their 1st loves. You have to go forward because you can't move backwards. Since you mentioned praying, instead of asking God to make her relationship fail, why not ask Him for his grace to help you through this difficult time & guide you to your correct mate. Going forward, look back on the things you know you did wrong in this relationship so you don't make those same mistakes again. If purity & "made only for you" are important to you, I would expect that the girl you love would only be ready for sex after marriage. For you to expect someone who is "nice", "pure", "respectful" & "patient" to give it up to you before marriage is not fair. It's absolutely absurd that you expected sex with this type of girl 2 months into your relationship! The girl you claim to want will never do that. If you want immediate sex before marriage try dating the provocative girls who go clubbing. You also recognize that you were smothering her. That is one of the fastest ways to kill a relationship. People need some space & independence. Declarations of love that early on -- 10 weeks of dating (2 months & 2 weeks) ring hallow & are usually not real. Back off. Love takes time to develop. She's not coming back & you have to face that. You have now spent 4x the length of the relationship mourning it's ending. You have to snap out of it. Talk to your parents. Talk to a counselor. Do something but move forward. Finally, the fact that she wouldn't introduce you to her parents is a huge red flag. Then again, it may have been too soon. But she was my correct mate,i don't want just sex in a relationship,i want it to actually be feelings between us. And i would have waited for as long as needed,i can't believe i said what i said. It was a long distance relationship,and she told me i would meet her parents during summer when they both had free time because they were busy with work.And yes it was too soon. I don't want the outgoing and clubbing girl who are easy,i want someone serious and i had her. I'm so, so sorry this happened,i feel like telling her i'm sorry everyday i see her. There no words that express my regret my guilt. I will always love her,she will always be in my heart,i'd rather be alone for the rest of my pathetic life unless the next girl is an exact of copy her. Why did this happen to me?Why did my mind fail me when i needed it the most? I read people here being with their first love for years.I couldn't keep her for more than a few months.... I pushed away the perfect girl... Edited January 15, 2014 by Afailure
iworthmore Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 first calm down. take a breath and relax. your not a failure. first RS usually is the lesson we take for the next one. she's not the golden fish and there r many girls the same as she. u still love her and you still hoping she will be back that's why you think she's one in a million while she is not. but love make u see everything as perfect in the one u love. the mistakes you did are so common. when someone has no experience in RS's which even if you had they r very complicated. never heard of first RS that lasted so long for the exact reasons. first time we love our blood flooded with hormones that never been there B4. we might act crazy over our partner. that's normal. i have many friend's all of them had the same situation. all of them and now they r happy with someone else. she's not as perfect as u see her. but ur love for her making you think so. 8 months is a long time though. but u will get over it. time heals all wounds. u wont stay like this forever and u will find inner peace again. and that's guaranteed. 2
Author Afailure Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 (edited) first calm down. take a breath and relax. your not a failure. first RS usually is the lesson we take for the next one. she's not the golden fish and there r many girls the same as she. u still love her and you still hoping she will be back that's why you think she's one in a million while she is not. but love make u see everything as perfect in the one u love. the mistakes you did are so common. when someone has no experience in RS's which even if you had they r very complicated. never heard of first RS that lasted so long for the exact reasons. first time we love our blood flooded with hormones that never been there B4. we might act crazy over our partner. that's normal. i have many friend's all of them had the same situation. all of them and now they r happy with someone else. she's not as perfect as u see her. but ur love for her making you think so. 8 months is a long time though. but u will get over it. time heals all wounds. u wont stay like this forever and u will find inner peace again. and that's guaranteed. I have only one buddy,i'm a loner,basically i have no social life,the fact that i managed to get her interested in me is a miracle,plus i'm not good looking at all while she was divine... And girls like her are taken already... This is the end,i must accept it,i'm just not made to be loved because i push the ones that love me away. These are mistakes a damn 14 year old would make and yet i'm 20 years old,i should have been smarter.... I will spend the rest of my life alone,and i'd prefer that rather than being lied to and left for someone else as i have read in so many posts around here. Plus the mere thought of a girl being with someone else before me is now simply unappealing to me,before i met her i thought that to not be a problem,but i just can't settle with anything less anymore..... She truly loved me.This is punishment,and i will gladly accept it as i deserve it. If i just had more patience and actually listened to her,we would have celebrated 1 year in 3 months.... Edited January 15, 2014 by Afailure
flightplan Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 You need to put this into perspective. You're not the first guy thats been dumped and you're not going to be the last. It's life, this is what happens in life. You're not immune. In fact, if you look at it from another perspective... what makes you so special to be singled out by the universe to not ever experience the despair of love lost? It's kind of arrogant isn't it? I'm not saying this to be mean or pick or you, I'm saying this to make a point. This is what love is all about... to teach you things about yourself you never knew. My advice... learn to love yourself first. If you love yourself, you'll attract many girls of the type of girl you're looking for. Girls can sense when a guy likes who he is. It all starts inside yourself. Stay strong my friend, this too shall pass. If you learn to love yourself, your dream girl is just around the corner. 1
iworthmore Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I have only one buddy,i'm a loner,basically i have no social life,the fact that i managed to get her interested in me is a miracle,plus i'm not good looking at all while she was divine... And girls like her are taken already... This is the end,i must accept it,i'm just not made to be loved because i push the ones that love me away. These are mistakes a damn 14 year old would make and yet i'm 20 years old,i should have been smarter.... I will spend the rest of my life alone,and i'd prefer that rather than being lied to and left for someone else as i have read in so many posts around here. Plus the mere thought of a girl being with someone else before me is now simply unappealing to me,before i met her i thought that to not be a problem,but i just can't settle with anything less anymore..... She truly loved me.This is punishment,and i will gladly accept it as i deserve it. If i just had more patience and actually listened to her,we would have celebrated 1 year in 3 months.... mate.... i am 28 and i had my first RS ended as well 3+ months ago. u r 20!! u still very young. in some states ur not even allowed to buy drinks or cigarettes. in cpl months ull remember the words u said about being a loner and spending ur life alone and say that was stupid while laughing. will be an irony. that girl is not ur problem . ur problem is that you focused on that girl. first love sux and hurts but u not doing anything abt it. ur self-esteem is very low at this moment. do something abt it. challenge urself. thats how u love ur self after u set a challenge and achieve it. go work out!! u still 20 yo. ur body reacts very fast to exercises . ull get another shape in 6 months. dress to impress and be wild and enjoy life. girls love men's attitude. they like alpha men. did that girl ever realize that ur getting over her and being an alpha?? i dont think so by the way u sound. go to college, travel, work hard and earn money, buy things u love and be stupid ur 20 years old!!!!!! i was dumped 3 months ago. im doing my best to get better and over her. socialize, go out, meet new ppl, after i did that she started to be interested in me again now. but im not taking her back . no way. u do that for urself, not for her, if she comes back then great if not its already great. its a win-win case.. u still 20YO!!!! go out and have fun!! 1
Itspointless Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 The girl that every guy dreams of,the girl who has never been with anyone else and you are her first love,as if she has been kept especially for you. Errr, what are you talking about? It is not my dream, I like a woman that respects herself. Any woman that chooses to be with me or in your case you at a given moment is special in my opinion. Are you religious or has this to do with jealousy issues? And please follow Philosoraptors advice! Take care man.
Author Afailure Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Errr, what are you talking about? It is not my dream, I like a woman that respects herself. Any woman that chooses to be with me or in your case you at a given moment is special in my opinion. Are you religious or has this to do with jealousy issues? And please follow Philosoraptors advice! Take care man. Jealousy issues due things that i have witnessed in the past and in recent years.
AnyaNova Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I am really going to recommend, along with some of the other advice, that you get some therapy. I really hear some attachment issues in, "I push the people I love away." And it could help you gain the confidence so as not to be clingy or needy. But yes, everyone's advice is good. You are 20. You are just a baby, :-) though you won't find that out until later. You don't really know yourself well enough most likely, to truly know what you want in a partner. Grieve this relationship, recover, date around, and live life. When you are ready in a few years, look for a life partner. There is no hurry. There are many wonderful women out there, you just can't see it because all you can see right now is her. 1
Itspointless Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Jealousy issues due things that i have witnessed in the past and in recent years. You can learn to trust again, but you also have to learn to love yourself. Therapy is one of the answers to work on that. If you learn to respect and love yourself, there will be other girls in your life, I am sure of that. Sometimes it takes a time, but there will be. One thing though, nothing in life lasts forever. Try to enjoy the good moments. See the beauty around you, beautiful sunsets, etc. And enjoy good memories as they are precious gifts. 1
CarrieT Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 i'm 20 years old,i should have been smarter.... You aren't yet able to be smarter. Your brain is still developing. Read this. Your frontal cortex -- that area that is capable of making intelligent decisions -- won't be fully connected until you are 25 or 26, at least. Don't be so hard on yourself; you still have a lot of learning and growing to do before it will all gel. No one at your age is truly capable of making intelligent life-long decisions. 1
Author Afailure Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 (edited) There are many wonderful women out there, you just can't see it because all you can see right now is her. But none like her,it is too late for me anymore,couples at my age are already made. I have seen how most of the other women are and i have given up. I'm not saying there aren't anymore good girls like this out there anymore but they already taken and treasured by their guys. I have failed her and i cannot forgive myself,i wanted her so bad but didn't know to how to keep her. Valentine's day is coming and when i think of it i'm getting sick.Her new boyfriend will be the one whom she will marry in a few years,of that i am 100% sure and i cannot restrain myself from imagining myself how he will be the first one with who she will make love and he will have a family with her. I keep getting images in my head of how their wedding will be and the pain is absolutely crushing me. Edited January 16, 2014 by Afailure
Itspointless Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 You know I typed a whole story but deleted it. Get rid of all those fantasies, or continue of you like torturing yourself. Get your pride together and start working on yourself (therapy) and I mean that in a kind way. I know you have some traumas, but they do not sound to bad to me. It will take some work, but you will be fine.
todreaminblue Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 hey......breaking up is rough everybody has pain when someone they love leaves...no ones pain can eb considered more o rless than anothrs as ti is uniquer...... the thing is .....about unique....every woman is unique every partnership is unique.....the dynamic is unique...your dynamic together wasnt right.......wasnt you wasnt her, no one is to blame...it just didnt work.....you have yet to meet with your dynamic that works with a unique woman who is more special because you will fit together it will be more special because it will last... a heart has the capacity to love more than once, a heart can love many times if you open your heart to possibility of love ...you arent ready to yet......but you will be when you heal a bit........spend time doing things you love for no w...be with friends and family......do things you havent done but wanted to always do.......be good to you .........be easy on yourself./.......i wish you well....deb 3
Tryingtobegrateful Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 To be honest, I somehow can empathize... I have done regrettable things to my relationship...and the final straw was a stupid stupid mistake that I did out of love but he was taken back... If only I can rewind time... I know there are a lot of guys out there, in fact I get chatted up quite frequently, but more than ever I am being reminded none of them is quite like him...and I cannot find that spark again I have lost my faith in romantic love too But guess what makes me different from you is that I never consider romantic love as my whole life, so I survive..though in loneliness
AnyaNova Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 hey......breaking up is rough everybody has pain when someone they love leaves...no ones pain can eb considered more o rless than anothrs as ti is uniquer...... the thing is .....about unique....every woman is unique every partnership is unique.....the dynamic is unique...your dynamic together wasnt right.......wasnt you wasnt her, no one is to blame...it just didnt work.....you have yet to meet with your dynamic that works with a unique woman who is more special because you will fit together it will be more special because it will last... a heart has the capacity to love more than once, a heart can love many times if you open your heart to possibility of love ...you arent ready to yet......but you will be when you heal a bit........spend time doing things you love for no w...be with friends and family......do things you havent done but wanted to always do.......be good to you .........be easy on yourself./.......i wish you well....deb I know her free association writin style can take some getting used to, but please, Afailure (which you really should rename yourself because you're not!) go back and read and rereac and then read again what she has written here! And please, take it to heart!
Author Afailure Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I am a failure and this break up was the final proof to show it,no matter how hard i try to do something right i fail,sooner or later i always failed. If you're interested in reading my story here it is,a warning,it is a VERY long post:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/452942-all-my-fault
RDawg Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) You are only a failure if you do not learn from your mistakes and keep on trying. With this self defeatist attitude I am beginning to wonder how you got a girlfriend in the first place. Stop it with the pity party. We have all been through it and survived. You will too but you need to ditch your current mind set and start taking to heart what the people on this forum are telling you. Sorry to sound harsh, it's not like I don't know what you are feeling, but at some point you have to decide you want to get better or you will wallow forever in the negativity. Edited January 17, 2014 by RDawg 2
SurplusIndifference Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) I'm going to give it to you straight...you need therapy. I'll break it down for you line by line. This may be harsh, but you need a wakeup call. fail to keep the promise you made to yourself of never making her sad,never argue with her That's an unrealistic promise. after years of struggling to succeed in getting in a relationship but failed,finnally find someone who loves you,and lose her Sounds like you are trying too hard...neediness and insecurities are a huge turn off. every advice i have received is to move on and find someone else You need to do this, but first you must find happiness in yourself. I will never forgive myself,no other girl comes even close that what she was She doesn't even come close to what you think she was, it's all in your head. she was the kind of girl that would be by your side for life if you knew how to treat her Just about everyone who loves you will stay with you if you treat them right. The fact that she left when you were acting like a fool means that she wouldn't stay by your side for life. It's been so long that i now try to avoid talking about her as people will start calling me crazy.They don't understand how it is,that unbearable agony in which the mere memory of your loved one becomes a poison that you wish you'd have your memory erased or,even give up on your life. Stop talking about her to everyone. They do understand it. They also understand that you need to move on and stop putting yourself through this agony. Part of me prays that her new relationship will fail and her new man to dissapoint and realise that i truly loved her like no one else could That's not love. If you love her, be happy that she is happy with her new man. I expect answers like :"if you love her,you let her be happy with whom she wants".I understand but no one will ever love her the way i do,i'm not saying he doesn't love her,but he will never love her the way i do. She obviously doesn't want to be "loved" the way that you "love" her. she was my salvation You need to find salvation elsewhere. Either through yourself, religion, volunteering, etc.. I was also suffocating as i wanted to spend all my time with her,it was wrong but i loved her like a madman. The madman part is correct. i tried to convince her i realised what i did wrong and that i wouldn't repeat it You can't convince someone with words. You are still smothering her. Your actions are showing that you haven't changed and you will keep repeating what you did wrong. She said she hopes my feelings will go away as there's no point in me suffering and hopes that i will find a girl that i can be happy with She is on to something here... She is the only who i can be happy with. Stop thinking like this. You need to learn to be happy with yourself. She cannot make you happy if you aren't happy with yourself. If she comes back and you still feel the same way you do now, you will be needy, insecure, etc...you will always be on the lookout for her to leave again. I have learned from my mistakes I don't think you did. why did i not cherish her more? You cherished her way too much. I have only one buddy,i'm a loner,basically i have no social life So go outside and meet people. I will spend the rest of my life alone,and i'd prefer that ... This is punishment,and i will gladly accept it as i deserve it. If that's what you really feel, you already have it...stop complaining then. But none like her She left you bro, you don't want another one like her. I have seen how most of the other women are and i have given up. Do you seriously expect that she was the ONLY person in the world like that? If that were the case, you better be the best in the world for her. Please go get some therapy. You need to find happiness in yourself instead of trying to take it from someone else. Edited January 17, 2014 by SurplusIndifference 2
Itspointless Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I scanned your story before. And yes you experienced some hard things, I really emphasize with that. I lost my mother when I was 19. I saw her suffer lots of pain for about five years. The last year she couldn't move and couldn't talk any-more. My biggest wish back then was that she would die so her suffering would stop. And I wish that was the only thing I had to overcome in my life. All of the things I had to face did a lot with me. But you know, at a given moment I always find some pride, because I always thought I deserved better. I think you deserve better too, but you have to want it. There are also those people who use their grief to get attention. You know many sympathize with people who have it hard. But at some point most people let them fall when they discover that someone hasn’t got the intention to work for their own happiness, as using their grief to earn is easier than the cost of working for a better perspective. Those people often are like a well where you pour your energy in and never see it returned in any form whatsoever. Remember life is a struggle and loss is in the end the only constant, but you have the choice who you want to become.
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