LuckyLady13 Posted September 20, 2014 Posted September 20, 2014 LuckyLady - thank you for your honest reply. You are correct, I have self-esteem issues. I grew up in an abusive home Okay, I see now. You're in the position of not understanding clearly where boundaries are supposed to be because of the way you grew up. It will help you to observe other women and how they draw a line in the sand with other people. Observe this as much as you can because you were dealt an unfair hand in life having an abusive home to grow up in and it makes learning boundaries much more confusing. And you have to learn it later in life compared to people who had a normal upbringing. I knew your self-esteem had to be low to actually enjoy anything that this guy did at all because women with intact self-esteem would be totally repulsed by this guy. He's not quality, you know? Far from it. I don't want to talk to you like you're 5 so excuse me if this comes out that way but I understand completely that you, because of your upbringing, just purely don't know some things that are simple for other people because they were taught these things from day one. Most times, it is not appropriate for a boss to be hugging his female employees. No means no. If you tell a man you aren't interested and he continues to send texts, emails or phones you, put a stop to him any way you can. This man (and your ex's) detected that you don't know how to set firm boundaries and took advantage of you. You need to learn that it's perfectly okay to say no once and when a man doesn't listen, take action to make sure he backs off. Just because a man is your boss, that never means you have to accept inappropriate talk or touching to keep your job. You have every right in this world to shut him down, boss or not. When I was young, I was beaten by my father so badly the sides of my face were black and in the same week, my ex broke my ankle so completely my foot was hanging off my leg. And I can't STAND people who think women like abuse or search out abusers. What the reality of the situation is...we do not know better because we were raised to think being beaten and abused is okay. We were raised to think that somehow we deserve this for "making" others angry. And we are raised to think there is no such thing as boundaries! So I completely feel for you about this situation. I understand where your head is at. I was there. I got lucky enough to find friends who cared about me very much and straightened my head out over and over until I got it and understood. I also had a fantastic therapist who drilled into my head what is okay and what is not okay. I no longer have any abusive people in my life and haven't in quite a long time now. I have to say...it's nice! I want to try to explain this stuff the best I can because I remember how hard it was to comprehend in the beginning. Also, it's so easy to forget sometimes there are hundreds of abuse victims who stumble onto this forum who may read this too who are looking for help and trying to understand their situation. You saying you had abusive ex's is not surprising after saying you grew up in an abusive home and then it makes complete sense that you haven't been able to communicate your boundaries to this guy clearly enough. I'd bet you're acting like a bit of a church mouse when saying no to him so he's having a ball taking advantage, knowing he can run you over like a steam roller. It's time to change that. Do your best to spend time with women who have it together. Friends are great for helping you get your head straight about healthy boundaries. Actually, one of my guy friends amazes me to this day because he's so fast to say the word no he doesn't give people time to finish sentences and I love watching him do it. It's so funny! So observe other people and see how they react to similar situations. I know for someone who grew up the way you did, it's easy to misunderstand a guy like your boss and think he's acting sweet toward you and flirty so he must really like you but he likes EVERYBODY. This would be alright (sort of) if you sounded like you're looking for a quick fling and have no feelings about the guy either way. But that's not how you sound. You sound like you really like him in a rather innocent way and have strong feelings. He has strong feelings too! For everything that moves! I remember way back when I sounded more like you and my self-esteem got drop-kicked so many times because I kept attracting jerks just like your boss and couldn't understand why I was this low-life magnet. I knew something had to be seriously wrong with me and that made me just feel worse! But, I misunderstood the situation for a few years and thought that I just wasn't good enough for a good guy who had morals and values and lived honorably. But thankfully, in part due to having an Italian woman for a best friend, I found out that I wasn't putting boundaries up strongly enough. This Italian friend? My ex-boyfriend who broke my ankle punched her when she tried to back him off when I said I never wanted to see him again and he didn't listen. Punched her right in the face full force. Luckily, as strong as she is, she only got taken back for a second and then charged right after him and beat his head in out in the street! It was...beautiful. Of course I'm not saying to beat your bosses head in out in the street but I just wanted to give you an example of how a friend was able to demonstrate to me that when a woman says no, she really means it. Your original question was how to walk away? You'd find it so easy to do when your self-esteem is brought up high enough that you realize this guy is just scraping the bottom of the barrel and you've got way better guys to spend your time with. Some of the keys to self-esteem are having a great group of friends around you who care about you. They'll jump right in and tell you and show you what is okay and what's not okay. Also, work out if you don't and build up a tone body you're proud of. And work hard at either your job or a hobby you love so that you become such an expert at it that people come to you wanting to learn from you. It also doesn't hurt to do some volunteering to help those less fortunate. If you bring up your self-esteem and also start seriously dating and meeting much better, quality guys, you will finally have the blinders yanked right off and will see this guy for who he really is. And you'll smack yourself in the head and wonder how in the world you ever found him charming or attractive. One other thing I just remembered. I used to think guys who showed interest in me very quickly just meant we had chemistry or he had attraction for me and I used to think this was a good thing, just like you were thinking with your boss. Now that I understand boundaries like a non-abused person and also have healthy self-esteem, I find guys like that really repulsive and creepy and they turn me off instantly. The guys I'm okay with now who I find attractive and interesting are always friends with me first and show pretty much no interest at all and that tells me something important! They are social in such a healthy way that I can trust them to not be creeps...or cheaters...or liars. Guys who aren't lowlife dogs like your boss don't JUMP immediately to show attraction to anyone. They treat everybody the way they should! Showing a clear understanding of boundaries. And they are slow to wait for subtle signs to see if I'm interested in them at all before they say anything or they'll drop a few, genuine but subtle comments to see how I react. And most importantly? If I say I'm not interested, they back off immediately. I was there. I understand your mentality. I genuinely hope I was able to help you in some way with my replies. I'm glad you posted this thread. It uncovered why you're having such a hard time with your situation but I hope I explained some things you probably didn't understand. I hope a lightbulb or two went on over your head when you read some things here. And I also hope you post a thread about how to raise your self-esteem and take the suggestions very seriously because THAT is the actual root of your whole problem.
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