I Need some perspective in this situation. Its simple/complicated.

January 15, 2014

I haven't been to this site in awhile to post anything really. But this site helped me when i needed it back in the day so here it goes.

i had this long post but really it comes down to this.

this woman who is newly engaged really likes me. I mean truly honestly deeply likes me. she text's me first all the time, she says things that are truly warm and heartfelt about me. she even at one point did the whole "let me count the ways" speech to me. She's like i honestly don't know how I ever went through my life to this point without me. and before you go into her actions speak louder than words.

its my own actions that have placed a small gap between us and the inevitable. she has made a lot of openings for something to happen. so her actions also indicate she is willing to cheat.

this has been a long road of emotional infidelity. (about a year) and I have made actions in the past to try and slow down and eliminate any further escalation even going NO CONTACT on her. Even ignoring her outright when i see her. but even after the weeks/months go past of NO CONTACT and ignoring the one thing we can't seem to hide is our eyes. we always look at each other even from afar. as soon as she see's me her face is instantly bright. and friends have noticed on both sides. And so we end up gravitating back towards each other. and instead of momentum lost. its only gains speed. and we are on a crash course to something.

so now i feel my objectivity slipping. one one hand. the reason they are together is because he dicked over his friend who was dating her at the time and stole her away. I feel this is how she meets men. she does the old grabbing into the new branch before she lets go of the old one.

But i feel the difference between her past and now IS the fact she's engaged. i would have no problem making her mine if they were just dating. but is it right. i mean I have placed so much between us and we just keep getting closer.

should i take the chance?

WOULD YOU?

January 15, 2014

No huni, this is a chance you don't want to take. For one, you already suspect she has a pattern, and it would appear you could be the next iteration. Secondly, if she really doesn't want to get married, she needs to make that decision herself, not because she has a soft spot to land. Move on, there is nothing to see there.

January 15, 2014

No huni, this is a chance you don't want to take. For one, you already suspect she has a pattern, and it would appear you could be the next iteration. Secondly, if she really doesn't want to get married, she needs to make that decision herself, not because she has a soft spot to land. Move on, there is nothing to see there.

Fair enough. its not like i haven't been thinking about what you just said.

she admitted to settling. and that at times she wonders about the current relationship she's in right now and other times she's happy/content.

i think way to many boundaries emotionally have been crossed for us to transition back to simple friends though. I may go no contact again. but at the same time i'm curious.

tough call i suppose when you don't have any other options currently on the plate. although i'm open to anything new I am by no means enthralled with this one its just that its there. and i can take it. but when i think where exactly does that put me 1 year down the road. maybe the same place.. maybe something else. its the unknown. and the what if's.

January 15, 2014

I would avoid this one.

January 22, 2014

i wanted to post an update.

so things have been progressively escalating. despite my presence being absent. she has pretty much all but said i love you to me.

now one would stand back and wonder. is this a fad. will it disperse with time. but this has been going on for almost an entire year at least 11 months. even before she was engaged.

i would guess that if it was a fling situation that it would have ended by now or at least tapered off when she got engaged. but in fact its only escalated. I want to mind you that i have not touched this woman in any way shape or form. all i do is have fun in her presence and act myself which occasionally can be kind of dickish. and any company she may keep which includes her man. Who i've noticed has started to model himself after me as far as his mannerisms but they come off contrived and forced. and she gets irritated when he tries to not be himself.

I mean i'm asking her to take a look at her relationship also! i said look at your dude and say that you don't feel these things. she says she does but they aren't nearly as powerful or as intoxicating as they are with me. and she NEVER expected to meet a guy like me. in her words. i've swept her off her feet.

she says my age, my attitude, my personality, my success, my education, the way i make her feel, how fun i am to be around. on and on and on. entices her even more.

i dropped off her and her man and their friends off after a pretty fun night of drinking. and i went straight home no i did not text her. instead she texted me and said she missed me already. the next day she was asking when she'll see me again. i said I dunno maybe this weekend. and she was not at all happy with that answer. so now she has escalated again and is now asking me to go out during the week.

at this point i feel i should at least try. i could see myself liking this girl. but I honestly think her feelings are genuine and not born of some kind of discontent with her relationship. i think her and her man have a great relationship. loving, caring etc..

but the old adage says. YOU CAN'T HELP WHO YOU LIKE. is that not true here?

January 22, 2014

Why don't you just message her?

"Here's the deal; either you ditch your fiancé and we start with a clean slate, or we quit this now, you focus on your guy, and we just go our separate ways."

January 22, 2014

This is very simple. You both enjoy drama so you play out this situation like it is a David Mamet play and you two get to be the quirky star crossed lovers who can't be together because of the fiancé. As soon as she latches onto you and moves on with you in any way, she will find another leading man to her vicious cycle of self loathing and distraction for her feelings of unworthiness and entitlement issues. You obviously are enjoying the drama as well, so you can either play it out to the finish and get your standing ovation, or you can wise up and realize that you are feeding some pathological need inside of yourself by participating in this comedy or errors.

Don't give yourself permission to be a supporting player in your own life. Find out what you are trying to distract yourself from and go NC if you want a meaningful life.

Grumps

January 22, 2014

This is very simple. You both enjoy drama so you play out this situation like it is a David Mamet play and you two get to be the quirky star crossed lovers who can't be together because of the fiancé. As soon as she latches onto you and moves on with you in any way, she will find another leading man to her vicious cycle of self loathing and distraction for her feelings of unworthiness and entitlement issues. You obviously are enjoying the drama as well, so you can either play it out to the finish and get your standing ovation, or you can wise up and realize that you are feeding some pathological need inside of yourself by participating in this comedy or errors.
Don't give yourself permission to be a supporting player in your own life. Find out what you are trying to distract yourself from and go NC if you want a meaningful life.
Grumps

there's no drama here though. its been clean fun throughout.

no flakes, no double meaning messages nothing.

i'm not defending her on this board. but i will share a story.

a girl i was best friends with for 6 years we decided to date and ended up dating for 2 years. she moved away to NY. She met another man. i'm sure they were talking and getting cozy while we were dating and having a long distance relationship.

she broke up with me and is now married to him with children.

i don't hold any ill will towards her either. why? because that kind of stuff happens. and no we don't speak she just gave me an update maybe a a couple of years ago. and that's the last i heard from her.

so what's your take on that? the other guy is in for a rude awakening? no. I don't think so. and this was back in 2002. so she's been with that same man she left me for her best friend and lover since then.

January 22, 2014

There are a lot of red flags there, which you have picked up yourself. If she really likes you, why is she still with him (like you say, she probably clings to a branch until a better one comes along). Do you really want someone who can't do the decent thing and end a relationship instead of cheating?

Why is she eyeing you up. Why is she flirting like this while engaged? What sane woman does that?

Could you ever trust someone you know probably cheated on at least two partners before you? Actions speak louder than words.

Edited January 22, 2014 by spiderowl

January 22, 2014

there's no drama here though. its been clean fun throughout.

no flakes, no double meaning messages nothing.

i'm not defending her on this board. but i will share a story.

a girl i was best friends with for 6 years we decided to date and ended up dating for 2 years. she moved away to NY. She met another man. i'm sure they were talking and getting cozy while we were dating and having a long distance relationship.

she broke up with me and is now married to him with children.

i don't hold any ill will towards her either. why? because that kind of stuff happens. and no we don't speak she just gave me an update maybe a a couple of years ago. and that's the last i heard from her.

so what's your take on that? the other guy is in for a rude awakening? no. I don't think so. and this was back in 2002. so she's been with that same man she left me for her best friend and lover since then.

If there was no drama involved, she would have broken off her engagement to date you both in an open manner. She would have openly declared herself torn between you two and canceled the engagement. She would have been honest and open to both of you about her intentions without all this subterfuge and game playing.

Your story about your ex and now husband...is this what you are basing your hope that she will leave him for you? If that was going to happen, don't you think it would have happened by now with all the declarations of you being exciting in a way that he isn't if she was seriously considering this? Are you wiling to be with someone who cheats on her fiancé, the man whom she has promised to marry and spend the rest of her life with, without regard to the emotional fallout of her fiancé and you as no one really wins in this situation.

You should count yourself lucky that you got away from your ex if she is the type of flighty, insincere woman who cheats. This is not a quality person, and you are proving that you have little self respect or integrity to participate in this romantic farce with your new crush. This isn't some girl who is dating a bf, but someone who is pledged to marriage with someone else. Think about what you are allowing yourself to compromise by participating. Maybe honor, integrity and self respect means nothing to you, but without it you will lead a life being pulled into the emotional black holes of others.

Just my humble opinion,

Grumps

January 23, 2014

i wanted to post an update.

so things have been progressively escalating. despite my presence being absent. she has pretty much all but said i love you to me.

now one would stand back and wonder. is this a fad. will it disperse with time. but this has been going on for almost an entire year at least 11 months. even before she was engaged.

i would guess that if it was a fling situation that it would have ended by now or at least tapered off when she got engaged. but in fact its only escalated. I want to mind you that i have not touched this woman in any way shape or form. all i do is have fun in her presence and act myself which occasionally can be kind of dickish. and any company she may keep which includes her man. Who i've noticed has started to model himself after me as far as his mannerisms but they come off contrived and forced. and she gets irritated when he tries to not be himself.

I mean i'm asking her to take a look at her relationship also! i said look at your dude and say that you don't feel these things. she says she does but they aren't nearly as powerful or as intoxicating as they are with me. and she NEVER expected to meet a guy like me. in her words. i've swept her off her feet.

she says my age, my attitude, my personality, my success, my education, the way i make her feel, how fun i am to be around. on and on and on. entices her even more.

i dropped off her and her man and their friends off after a pretty fun night of drinking. and i went straight home no i did not text her. instead she texted me and said she missed me already. the next day she was asking when she'll see me again. i said I dunno maybe this weekend. and she was not at all happy with that answer. so now she has escalated again and is now asking me to go out during the week.

at this point i feel i should at least try. i could see myself liking this girl. but I honestly think her feelings are genuine and not born of some kind of discontent with her relationship. i think her and her man have a great relationship. loving, caring etc..

but the old adage says. YOU CAN'T HELP WHO YOU LIKE. is that not true here?

Maybe true that you can't help who you like or LOVE for that matter..... but you can control what you do.....

OP, it seems to me that you already know this girl is a risky venture given her past history. So if you are thinking LTR, I think you need to look elsewhere. She kind of sounds like a social-ladder climber and you may be a simple rung to step over on her way up to "bigger & better". I have seen this before with a few of my friends.

If you are considering F-buddy situation then that is different. Whatever kind of entanglement you are seeking here, I would agree with Grumps.....

probably headed for more than your share of drama. With or without her fiancee in the picture, I would give your head a good shake (both of them) then ask yourself if this is what you really want?

January 23, 2014

OP - You are very clearly deluding yourself on the situation by giving her words too much weight. Do not weigh her words. Weigh her actions. If her feelings are so strong for you, why is she still engaged to another man? Why are you all hanging out together (her fiance included)?? Can you not hear just how ABSURD this sounds??

You make it sounds as if the cards are all in your hands. They're not. They are in her hands and she's playing you both like putty. At the end of the day, when she pours her heart out to you about her feelings, do you honestly believe that she does not go home and tell her fiance something similar??

Reverse the situation. Say she leaves him to be with you and a couple years down the road she meets another man that sparks that old familiar flame? You know the guy, hang out with him, and all the while she and he are building an emotional bond....right in front of your face. How will you feel then??

Can you not see that there is something psychologically wrong with this girl that she does not care about the pain she inflicts by jumping from friend to friend? It is only about her feelings and emotions at the moment. Where is the respect for the man that has asked her to spend her life with him and she so graciously accepted? You are Plan A and he is Plan B. It appears genuine because it has gone on for 11 months, but that is only because it has not happened yet. Once you move in as he did before you, someone else will eventually become Plan A and you will become Plan B. How long before the infatuation with you fades as well? Just some things for you to ponder...

January 23, 2014

I don't know how this chick feels about anything as I am not in her head but her behavior is, well, gross. So, here she is engaged to this other man but expressing all the love for you. OK, read that line again. Can you tell me what's wrong with this picture? She is leading this other poor chap on and on top of everything else you don't have a teeny tiny problem with that? Emotions happen but she does have a choice and nothing you have discussed here indicates that she knows how to make the right ones. I agree with the other poster...until she leaves the other guy, get out of the picture.

I'm all for love and taking risk. Heck I am even for fighting for it sometimes...but until she puts on her big girl britches, comes clean to her man and spends some time in serious reflection you may want to pick a different fight.

January 23, 2014

i want to add something to this debate about the moral grey area that one steps over or in when they approach a situation like this.

Last night we went out and had a great time, this time it was just us. at the end of the night we had a pretty in depth discussion about me and her. filled with the awkward silences one would have in that kind of situation.

especially since i was driving us back home.

she said she hated me for what was going on. but said it in a joking matter. i honestly don't think this woman ever intended it to go this far. it started as a flirt and progressed. it happens people.

i parked the car and we continued to talk. and without really thinking i reached over and we were kissing. and she was heavily into it moaning my name. and the reason i stopped was because i noticed she was crying. i felt her tears on my face.

if she was the super player and slut that you all paint her out to be. no tears would be shed. because this is a common thing for her. there's been a lot of sweeping generalizations about this woman. cheaters and sluts don't cry when they cheat and slore around. they embrace it and it excites them. I think we all know this.

She said she didn't want to be "that girl" she didn't want to feel guilty about what was happening but can't help how she feels because she's never felt a connection like this. but as you all say she has made commitments. and she's unsure how to proceed. breaking up with someone you actually like for someone you like is probably a lot harder than you all make it out to seem. jesus. relationships aren't black and white as people make them seem otherwise why are there so many people in unhappy relationships? she was pissed somewhat at herself as well for allowing the dynamic to change between us. i was litereally watching a woman beat herself up emotionally and having a breakdown all within 5 minutes.

SO i made it clear right then and there. to make it easy for her. that if she doesn't want this. and wants to just forget me and this whole ordeal. if she was unable to leave her current man for me and make a clean break. that we should just stop. I took the higher road people.

and she didn't want that. she wanted to take some time to think about things. and then we started kissing again only this time without the tears. and then she said she needed to go. and wanted me to call/text her tomorrow morning. (today). she was worried that i wouldn't speak to her again. but i said i would and i did. and she responded to me within seconds. as she always does. saying that she already misses me and just really enjoys listening to me talk and my company.

Edited January 23, 2014 by chrisftw

January 23, 2014

You need to give her space, and agree a time-frame during which time, you'll respect her need to think, and not distract her.

Tell her in the long run, it's for your and her own good....

And then quit contacting her.

leave her be, but tell her that at the end of that time, she has to give you an answer.

And you have to take it on the chin, whatever it may be.

And then ask her, before you go NC - "How much time do you need? Go, on, give me a date....."

January 23, 2014

You need to give her space, and agree a time-frame during which time, you'll respect her need to think, and not distract her.
Tell her in the long run, it's for your and her own good....

And then quit contacting her.

leave her be, but tell her that at the end of that time, she has to give you an answer.

And you have to take it on the chin, whatever it may be.
And then ask her, before you go NC - "How much time do you need? Go, on, give me a date....."

i totally agree. in fact she has tried to talk to me throughout the day but i've been a little distant more so than usual and she senses it. but understands why i'm doing it.

i also helped her get a better job to because between her and her fiance money problems were bound to surface. so i went to work for her and used my connections to get her a job making about 15k more than she makes now a year. and it was primarily my referral (was on the phone with the higher ups a lot for her) that even got her into a position where she could interview despite having ZERO experience.

she wanted to meet in person and asked if I could come up to a bar. i said i'm busy even though i wasn't and she thanks me for pushing her hard for this. and she's never felt better. and that she could hug me.

i said go hug your fiance i'm sure he's just as excited as you. and that i'm happy she's finally realizing some of her potential she's been squandering.

i'm not a homewreaker.. i'm just a guy who likes a girl who's engaged and she likes me. if she chooses me than so be it. but it doesn't have to be that way if she doesn't want it to be I'm not going to push the issue.

Edited January 23, 2014 by chrisftw

January 24, 2014

I see more black and white I guess.

She didn't choose you. She gave her oath to another man. Period. End. Of. Discussion.

You claim to not be a homewrecker, yet you are kissing another man's fiance. What the hell do you classify yourself as then? A victim?

You can sugar coat it anyway you want. Simple fact is, this woman is taken. If she wants to pursue something else with you, she needs to let the other guy off the hook. You are cheating with this woman on her man. Not even a boyfriend, its a @#$@ing fiance. They are betrothed for #@$@ sake.

If you feel that strongly about her, communicate that. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. If she's kissing you behind her fiance's back..... i just don't even understand how you are trying to justify this.

Making a statement that only cheaters don't cry is soooooooo unfounded. Crying is an emotional response, and many people (ESPECIALLY MEN) are inherently taught that crying is a weakness. Crying in front of your woman? That's a weak man. You simply don't do that. I was taught to wait until noone was around, then let those mother@#$@#$ rain down your face. But in the presence of a woman, you man up and suck it up.

She is "having trouble" choosing between you and someone else and she left her ex for this current man, she is engaged to this guy, and she is actively cheating with you on this guy.

I fail to see how that isn't black and white.

January 24, 2014

I see more black and white I guess.

She didn't choose you. She gave her oath to another man. Period. End. Of. Discussion.

You claim to not be a homewrecker, yet you are kissing another man's fiance. What the hell do you classify yourself as then? A victim?

You can sugar coat it anyway you want. Simple fact is, this woman is taken. If she wants to pursue something else with you, she needs to let the other guy off the hook. You are cheating with this woman on her man. Not even a boyfriend, its a @#$@ing fiance. They are betrothed for #@$@ sake.

If you feel that strongly about her, communicate that. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. If she's kissing you behind her fiance's back..... i just don't even understand how you are trying to justify this.

Making a statement that only cheaters don't cry is soooooooo unfounded. Crying is an emotional response, and many people (ESPECIALLY MEN) are inherently taught that crying is a weakness. Crying in front of your woman? That's a weak man. You simply don't do that. I was taught to wait until noone was around, then let those mother@#$@#$ rain down your face. But in the presence of a woman, you man up and suck it up.

She is "having trouble" choosing between you and someone else and she left her ex for this current man, she is engaged to this guy, and she is actively cheating with you on this guy.

I fail to see how that isn't black and white.

you can put your pitchfork down.

i've said my goodbyes to her about 5 minutes ago. i told her that honestly if i care about you as much as i say i do i need to just man up and let you go. i told her this is a perfect opportunity to build a future worth having with her guy. and she doesn't need somebody creating obstacles for her to try and jump over. or to confuse her or to emotional distress her.

i care to much to see more tears run down her pretty face. because i can't respect boundaries.

she may be upset right now.. but if their love is true. and maybe its not. she will get over it quickly.

January 24, 2014

you can put your pitchfork down.

i've said my goodbyes to her about 5 minutes ago. i told her that honestly if i care about you as much as i say i do i need to just man up and let you go. i told her this is a perfect opportunity to build a future worth having with her guy. and she doesn't need somebody creating obstacles for her to try and jump over. or to confuse her or to emotional distress her.

i care to much to see more tears run down her pretty face. because i can't respect boundaries.

she may be upset right now.. but if their love is true. and maybe its not. she will get over it quickly.

I guess you misunderstood me. I never once said don't have a go with her. In fact, I encourage it. If you can give her the happiness she is obviously not getting with her current FIANCE, then wouldn't "caring" for her demand for you to tell her to break it off with her fiance as she has already cheated on him....and then try to date you CORRECTLY?.

There's obvious feelings between you two. Noone is denying that. Granted, a few people have suggested you let her go, and I totally agree relationships ARENT black and white.

However, you have no relationship with this woman. You are a friend....with benefits, at best. Do you care for her? Probably! However, if you want a real shot with this woman, you need to seriously back out of the situation. If she has to CHOOSE between two men, its time to realize there is someone else out there who will not have to.

Best wishes to you. I'm going through a similiar situation with someone I'm head over heels in love with...however, I wish for her happiness too, just as you wish happiness with this woman. I'm not a 2nd place guy. I'll help her along with her life...but in my honest opinion, if you aren't her first pick, you never will be.

My 2 cents.

January 24, 2014

I guess you misunderstood me. I never once said don't have a go with her. In fact, I encourage it. If you can give her the happiness she is obviously not getting with her current FIANCE, then wouldn't "caring" for her demand for you to tell her to break it off with her fiance as she has already cheated on him....and then try to date you CORRECTLY?.

There's obvious feelings between you two. Noone is denying that. Granted, a few people have suggested you let her go, and I totally agree relationships ARENT black and white.

However, you have no relationship with this woman. You are a friend....with benefits, at best. Do you care for her? Probably! However, if you want a real shot with this woman, you need to seriously back out of the situation. If she has to CHOOSE between two men, its time to realize there is someone else out there who will not have to.

Best wishes to you. I'm going through a similiar situation with someone I'm head over heels in love with...however, I wish for her happiness too, just as you wish happiness with this woman. I'm not a 2nd place guy. I'll help her along with her life...but in my honest opinion, if you aren't her first pick, you never will be.

My 2 cents.

well my goodbye actually tore her up more than i thought it would it felt like a breakup and she pleaded for me to not let her go just yet and then promptly started blaming our complications on her and her alone.

i said don't do that. because it always takes two to tango. and it was my fault as much as it was yours and she shouldn't shoulder the blame 100%

she stated that she needs me in her life because its so rare historically speaking (other people will attest she doesn't really like people that much)

that she develops such a close bond with someone and she doesn't want to lose that at least not for something like this.

i then stated as you put it.. a "timeline" i said fine i'll stick around if only because you asked. but i dunno how much more i can take. so while i didn't put an exact time line on it. there will be a point where I will have had enough of falling for someone from the sideline..

i did that once before although that was more unrequited love than this is. this seems more pure and mutual.

January 24, 2014

well my goodbye actually tore her up more than i thought it would it felt like a breakup and she pleaded for me to not let her go just yet and then promptly started blaming our complications on her and her alone.

i said don't do that. because it always takes two to tango. and it was my fault as much as it was yours and she shouldn't shoulder the blame 100%

she stated that she needs me in her life because its so rare historically speaking (other people will attest she doesn't really like people that much)

that she develops such a close bond with someone and she doesn't want to lose that at least not for something like this.

i then stated as you put it.. a "timeline" i said fine i'll stick around if only because you asked. but i dunno how much more i can take. so while i didn't put an exact time line on it. there will be a point where I will have had enough of falling for someone from the sideline..

i did that once before although that was more unrequited love than this is. this seems more pure and mutual.

Allow me to quote my favorite quote: Love is unconditional, relationships are not!

You having love for this woman, and her having love for you, is NOT A BAD THING. Caring for her, wanting the best for her, that's totally normal. However, she is in a relationship. Not only are you destroying your own integrity, you're taking this girls' along with it..

I'm glad you posted this in this section instead of the cheating section. I don't think you would get half the insight some of the other more notorious posters are replying about.

My opinion: She wants you in her life because you care about her. But as you put it, if you can't respect boundaries, then all you are doing is putting unnecessary strain in her current relationship. Not only is she very obviously torn between 2 people, but with the cheating that occured, her life is going to be a rollercoaster right now. That's why you see someone break down, cry, and then be strong again in a matter of minutes. It's because they are literally on a roller coaster of emotions. She knows what she is doing is wrong, and so do you, but you cloud your logical thinking with the feelings you have for each other.

To be fair, this sounds like a pretty emotionally damaged woman. She doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't realize what she has, and she's fcking it all up stringing along 2 guys that are going to eventually get tired of her **** and she quite possibly could end up with nothing. Sounds like she's putting herself in that position, wouldn't you agree?

Remove yourself from the situation. If you care for her, you'll do what's in her best interest, even if its not yourself. It could quite possibly be the hardest thing in the world, but then again, she chased you for 11 months while being with someone else. 2nd place sucks, doesn't it?

January 28, 2014

i just want to update, i feel it helps with my control of my emotions.

but one thing i may have omitted from this whole discussion is for a few months leading up to our kiss i've noticed that she has been increasingly ignorant to her guy. even going as far as insulting him in public.

but beyond that i've noticed her mood has become darker. slightly although she hides it well but occasionally that wall falters. its not very well built to say the least.

tonight, she hit me up.. i have been doing as advised from many people and just being distant but not unavailable.. i do like talking to her and it passes the time. but she just had a huge argument with her guy but i think he can tell now that something is going down and has been long before i ever kissed her.

honestly i think their relationship won't last or maybe it will. but i can't help but feel i'm causing her this stress. i told her AGAIN i will walk away to make your life easier i'll shoulder that baggage for both of us. if this is the reason.

and again she assured me it was not. and she would never want me to go.

i'm torn but i'm sticking with my guns. i won't escalate until she is separated from this man. i'm respecting boundaries.

February 22, 2014

I felt this will be my last update in this situation as starting another thread didn't seem merited and this thread already has all the information about me and this woman's situation.

well last week on friday she decided to break apart from her fiance. and now he's demonizing me acting like i'm the sole reason they are coming apart. she leveled with him what was going on.

since then she's been somewhat putting pressure on me to fill the gap in her life. But i told her listen you need to stop this guy from crying on your shoulder ever day first and then heal yourself before we go anywhere.

and then that made her realize again why she likes me because i put her emotional state first. i've always gave her the chance to walk away and i never made her do anything she didn't want to.

so now we're just sorta friends with benefits. she loves hanging out with me. and I her. and it really feels as if an emotional weight has been lifted because now we can interact and form a deeper connection without the ring being on her finger.

also her ex fiance did try and make a play against me i had told him a secret and then he blabbed about it to a few people and that caused her to be extremely pissed at me about it. however unlike him when she gets pissed at him and holds a grudge for weeks. she let it go almost the same day. stating i just want to move past this drama and see this through between you and i. and she forgave me which shocked him because he never saw his play back firing on him and drawing her even closer to me emotionally.

she made a huge leap and not really just for me. But for herself. to get out of an engagement she was just going to be floating through because she was settling. she'll never make that mistake again however and that's how we grow as people.

February 22, 2014

but the old adage says. YOU CAN'T HELP WHO YOU LIKE. is that not true here?

You can't help who you like but you certainly can control the actions that follow up afterwards.

So what if you two like one another! She is engaged to another man and lusting after you. She's THROWING herself at you and has no boundaries or respect for her fiancee. Stop encouraging her behaviour. Otherwise this dance will go on and on and on.

She has made NO effort to end her engagement, she has 'settled'. Yet here she is flirting and wanting you. And you take the bait every single time.

What's the outcome? She leaves him, comes to you? Then what? She has poor boundaries, poor coping skill and it seems she clings to one man before she leaves the other one behind. She can't be on her own, be independent or alone. How is that healthy?

Edit to add, I see she ended her engagement. My advice still applies.

This woman NEEDS to be ON her own for a while and stop relying on you or any other man. She needs to grow up and become independent, happy on her own.

February 23, 2014

but one thing i may have omitted from this whole discussion is for a few months leading up to our kiss i've noticed that she has been increasingly ignorant to her guy. even going as far as insulting him in public.

First a remark: can you please start your sentences with a capital letter on the first and in general write clearer sentences. It is very difficult to understand what you write as your sentences are not grammatically correct which makes it really hard to understand them.

Now about the whole situation. Why do you want to be with a woman who treats her man like *****? If she treats him like that, she will treat you like that as well. Take a deep and long look at yourself. Are you sure that you don't have a preference for women who are not available?

The only healthy thing to do is to cut all contact with her. She is not available AND she is not faithful. That should tell you all you need to know.

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I Need some perspective in this situation. Its simple/complicated.

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