LoveHopeFaith Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Hello all! I am here looking for an unbiased opinion.. I am going to try and summarize 5yrs, bare with me :-) I was with my ex-fiance for almost 5yrs.. We were engaged for 2yrs.. After the engagement, things started to go downhill, the pressure of a wedding, life issues, etc.. Later finding out that it was a form of mild depression and did not realize that was happening.. In turn I started to push away my fiance, emotionally and sexually.. He couldn't understand why I wasn't the "same" person.. He would try over and over, nothing would work.. I was out of it, you could tell issues were sucking the life out of my.. My personality had disappeared.. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore and broke up with me.. He had been pondering this for 3 weeks.. Prior to the breakup, 2 week exact -- we had chatted about our future after he graduates college.. We both agreed that we'd finally get married, travel, get back to "us" and then have children.. Then he dropped the bomb.. He moved out.. I started to "snap out of it" in a sense, go on a journey to find myself, seek guidance in church and regain my self-esteem/confidence.. We've kept communication since October and hadn't seen each other until Christmas day.. Nov comes around, I ask where are we, he's still "indifferent" about his feelings.. Dec comes around and he invites himself over to my family's for Christmas.. We had a 3hr talk about everything -- our communication since breaking up has been AMAZING! He was never a great communicator but we've both agreed that the communication was going great.. Fast-forward to these past 3 weeks, we've still be communicating and seeing each other when HE initiates contact.. Sex included.. Every Monday for the past 3 weeks, he's been saying "I want to work it out, I want you to be my wife and mother of my kids.. I just don't know how to get over this hump to GET there".. He's confident in that aspect but feels as though he cannot trust himself in making decisions because he's hurting.. I push him soooo far away.. By Wednesday, something "scares" him and his feelings have changed and he's on the fence about everything.. By Friday he's changed his mind and thinks he's moving too fast.. 3 weeks! He's not the same person personality wise anymore, you can look at him and see that this has taken a toll on him.. The life has been sucked out of him.. Life issues, family, school, work, EVERYTHING is too much, too confusing and he simply doesn't know.. I finally put my foot down because I could not take the emotional roller coaster.. The minute I say he has to make a decision about us, he feels like I'm forcing him, he's stated he now has commitment issues, he's scared but not sure of exactly what, he doesn't trust himself to make a decision.. He's brought me into his confused madness and it's making me question my sanity.. I can't help but feel guilty because I too kind of went through this after the engagement.. I've since told him (THIS Monday) that because we truly love each other in due time it'll work itself out.. We want the same thing at the end of the day (working it out, marriage and kids) that I'll be his support system in him "finding himself" and not bring up the relationship aspect until HE is ready.. I believe he is falling into some type of depression and it's scaring me, his mental health comes first and I can do nothing more but be his peace.. Thoughts?
flightplan Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 He sounds like he needs time away to sort out his feelings. It's all nice and wonderful you want to be there for him, but IMO, step away for a while and let him sort himself out. It'll be good for you as well. Marriage is a BFD and it's better to do it with a clear head than all this madness you describe. There is no way in hell I would get married with all that going on. Don't make a huge decision like marriage with crap like that over your head.
Author LoveHopeFaith Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Thank you for your advice flightplan. My main concern isn't getting married. That's not #1 priority. It's more so him forgiving me from the past hurt I've caused (pushing him away, etc), building a stronger friendship, then relationship and then be prepared to get married.. Like how do we transition through all of this? We've both never been through something like this.. We've never really had a "break" from each other in 5yrs either.. It's becoming too much to wrap my mind around it!!
Murtz Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I am going through a similar situation where I pushed the person I cared about most away. I let them know what I am willing to do and how I will treat them if we got back together, but now I think that I need to give them time on there on. Maybe in a couple months ill contact them if they have not contacted me yet.
Author LoveHopeFaith Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 I am going through a similar situation where I pushed the person I cared about most away. I let them know what I am willing to do and how I will treat them if we got back together, but now I think that I need to give them time on there on. Maybe in a couple months ill contact them if they have not contacted me yet. During the past 3 weeks, I've SHOWN him and he's acknowledged the changes I've made within me, my life and how I'll continue to become better.. I've had to do a lot of soul searching to find "me" again.. I'm at a happy place & thinking waaaaay clearer about thing than opposed to when we first broke up.. I refuse to let myself slip back into that depressive state that made me angry, push people away & not be my happy "self".. He appreciated me showing him again, he said it brought back old memories of our happier times, he believes in my efforts and maybe that's why he still wanted to try?.. But SOMETHING is scaring him, whether it's the past pain, him not trusting himself that he'll be making the right decision, his own insecurities or maybe he's "lost" too just like I was.. I've taken my personal feelings/emotions/thoughts on how we could make it work out of the equation and I'm truly concerned for his mental health.. He just isn't the same person, everyone around him says it.. I'm starting to feel like life in general, added with the stress of our relationship, him feeling alone, everybody wanting something from him, etc, etc has taken a toll on him & he just cannot deal.. First and foremost we are best friends and I'd hate to lose my friend..
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