Met my recent ex by chance - thrown into limbo and my mind is all over the place

[H3nk1]

I need to get my head straight - I am all over the place...

 

My break-up thread is long and painful, and from another site: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=466834

 

I am just in need of more feedback as I am constantly on the verge of breaking NC. I guess I need spoon-feeding to keep sane and my mind at least a little bit occupied.

 

 

Long story short: The woman I love left me for the second time. We were our first everything. 4.5 years together. The first time she left, a year and a half ago, she came back after 4 weeks of NC. She left me again on Dec 14th. It was a mess, and I bear the responsibility on a broken back. I have struggled with depression since childhood, and 2013 was the worst year thus far in my life. At my lowest, she left again - stating that she wanted to be to herself / alone. I fully understand her, she had had enough. I have already forgiven her and bear no hard feelings.

 

With everything in my life in pieces, I stared my innermost demons straight in the eyes. For the first time in my life. I had no other choice. Thus I have started on anti-depressants (which have a noticable positive effect already), and gotten myself a new therapist. It is as if the ghost finally came out of the closed. After her leaving...it has been hell. I have had to accept and recognise how my depression made me loose myself and her. It is beyond tough, but it is the truth. Having this condition for years let it be "hidden" from me, as my baseline emotional well-being was not something I questioned actively.

 

I went NC on Dec 16th after two days of texting asking her to reconsider. I sent her an email on Dec 22nd, saying sorry, that I recognise my responsibility and that I have hope for a future reconciliation if that is something which could be sustainable / a new relationship. NC beyond that.

 

She has contacted my brother twice during this time, to "hear how I was". The second time asking if she could contact me on my birthday, which was January 9th. I have let him answer I am alright, and that she needs to figure the latter out herself. She never contacted me directly.

 

 

Now, last Friday, the universe decided to mess with me and her. We met by chance.

 

I was going out to grab something to eat with my brother. I was delayed, so I called him asking where to precisely meet. I heard something was off in his voice, and as I am nearing the area I saw him and a girl.

 

Moving closer I saw it was her.

 

He had followed his son to the train, she was on her way home from work. They ran into each other. I just sat down 20 feet away knees shaking. Decided I needed to face it.

 

My brother left. We sat outside talking. Then grabbed a coffee, both agreeing it was absurd and perhaps a stupid idea.

 

We talked for nearly two hours. Catched up. She cried a bit. I never broke down. Never begged. Kept my cool, yet was honest - I had to be in my current state - about my feelings. Even got her to laugh alot and feel comfortable. I told her what I had planned for therapy, that I had started on anti-depressants and that this whole break up and horrible year finally got me to a point where I had no choice but to face my demons.

 

I could tell how she fought so hard internally to not promise things or just ask me to come home with her. She had to fight to maintain her position of control. Time and time again she would say things like "argh, why did you have to realise these things now" in a semi-annoyed yet attracted way. That she almost broke contact all the time. That she had almost come running back like she did the first time. She basically said every word and expressed every emotion I secretly wished for when I met her. She was immensely curious as to what I was doing to get it together.

 

She said so many things giving me hope. That she had a horrible time. That she contacted my brother twice not just out of worry. That she had never met other guys anything close to my league. That she was afraid to loose me. That she broke up in many ways hoping we could make it work later on. So I could fix myself. That she found my honesty and truthfulness more attractive than the oposite. That me being me is what she fell for in the first place. I saw how she got a mixture of mad, happy, attracted and frustrated from me doing what she always wanted me to do...

 

She briefly mentioned the option of meeting new people without it being based on feelings / without wanting to get physical. "Just to see". Which to me seems beyond meaningless and stupid (it might also have been a test to see where I stood. I could not say anything else than that I did not feel like even superficially dating, that I spent 3 years after dumping my ex-ex before allowing myself to love again, but that she had to do what she had to. To which she seemed a bit concerned, saying that she hopes it did not have to be this way this time around. I just asked to change the subject because it was uncomfortable, and gave me the impression of her being out there already. She tried immediately to deny that adamantly. She even asked about two concrete girls I know but have no interest in. Which surprised me).

 

I said I hated to put myself in a position for her to know "I was there" when she was ready. Hell, she knows me too well anyway. So I could have said whatever. She told me not to worry about that. That it was who I am, and she respects me for it and that person is the one she always adored.

 

I asked her what she thought about getting together for coffe / drinks and perhaps casually dating each other going forward. In some time. She would very much like that. Yet, before I got up to leave I heard myself say that I could not do this because I would keep hope and stagnate.

 

Well, at least I was honest. I did not break or beg. I sowed all the seeds I could to show her I was serious about getting my self together. Once and for all.

 

I got up, hugged her and left. Where I found the strength, I do not know. And I could see she still loves me. I am even convinced she has it just as tough as me right now. I could see and feel it as I left.

 

We did not agree on anything, other than to let things be. No contact. I was clear on that I had no wish to be together again before we had sorted things out for ourselves. I felt that her issues were still there. I stated I would not take her back before she dealt with her own.

 

I love this girl, and I want to reconcile. Is NC the right thing even in this situation? If she cannot see or talk to me, how will she know how I progress? How can she regain her trust without experiencing change in me?

 

I have tried to get my head around this. Yet I am bewildered.

 

Now what? Any advice?

 

Part of me is leaning towards sending her this message like this:

 

 

"Hi

 

Some universe we live in. Me being delayed, you running towards the bus, my brother exiting the station, bam.

 

I have had butterflies like a fool in love since I met you. Falling in love with your ex? Now that is great news!

 

Three things I need to say:

 

1. My door is open. I stand behind everything I told you, and I am moving in the right direction.

 

2. I told you I would not take you back unless you dealt with your issues. Well, X, that is not really true. It does not make a lot of sense. The truth is you are dealing with things your entire life. You never stop walking. And I want to walk with you. I have made a promise to myself not to put such false conditions on the people I love anymore. It kills love, and it hurt me growing up. You are who you are, and that is more than good enough. My only condition, if you ever want me back, is that you will be constructive and apply the same approach to myself. I can do that, can you?

 

3. I told you I could not see you. That is also not true. I would be more than happy to grab a drink or coffee in time. I am strong enough, for which I am a bit proud. In our situation, you need to get to know who I really am. Not mix me up with my symptoms any longer. How can you see me for me if we do not meet? How can we consider walking together if we cannot spend time together?

 

You said many things giving me hope. I saw how you hurt, just like me. How you struggled with the emotions. It was clear both of us just wanted to throw each other into an embrace. It was pretty raw, X. So, I basically need to know what you are feeling and thinking. Limbo-land is a bad place to reside.

 

Best, X"

Edited January 14, 2014 by H3nk1

[organizedchaos]

Yuck, your message sounds like something out of a bad rom-com movie.

 

If you truly believe reconciliation is possible, I'd just keep it to a short text:

 

"My door is always open to you if you want to work things out."

 

Leave all the wishy washy overly dramatic stuff to bad romance novels.

[H3nk1]

Yuck, your message sounds like something out of a bad rom-com movie.

 

If you truly believe reconciliation is possible, I'd just keep it to a short text:

 

"My door is always open to you if you want to work things out."

 

Leave all the wishy washy overly dramatic stuff to bad romance novels.

 

I agree.. It is far over the top from a guy having had his "fix" of what he is beyond terrified to loose.

[Frank13]

Sounds weak, needy, and desperate. I woukdn't even say your door is always open. That tells her "go ahead and date and sleep with a bunch of other guys cuz if it doesn't work out, you know I am always here waiting". Talk about killing any attraction to you.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Frank13

[H3nk1]

Sounds weak, needy, and desperate. I woukdn't even say your door is always open. That tells her "go ahead and date and sleep with a bunch of other guys cuz if it doesn't work out, you know I am always here waiting". Talk about killing any attraction to you.

 

Again, agreed. The proposed message is off the table.

 

What about the general outlook. Somehow I mustered the strength to state that I was clear I had no wish to be together again before we had sorted things out for ourselves. And that I would not take her back before she dealt with her own.

 

I am bewildered about the NC / LC prospects.

[VeronicaRoss]

A woman weighing in here.

 

My husband is a psych nurse practitioner. He's said the population most vulnerable to suicide are young men who are breaking out of their first romance -- just like you. Two reasons: guys your age are prone to impulse and tend to actually carry through on suicidal thoughts, and you don't get the same crucial emotional support women do in general, so bravo to you for reaching out -- that is following excellent survival instincts. I'm telling you this so you are assured that you are not going crazy, everything you're thinking and feeling probably a lot of people around you have gone through too (but don't like to remember!), it's a common human rite of passage. After my first boyfriend left me I sat on the floor for hours thankful the floor was strong enough to hold me up, I sure wasn't.

 

As for this situation, yes of course she still loves you. Feeling in love has nothing to do (unfortunately) with whether you are right for her as a life partner though. If you have had untreated depression, you were not a great choice for her or anyone and bravo for her for taking care of herself. She can't do that for you. The fact it matters to her is a good sign for the potential long term. Beware the woman who sees you as a 'diamond in the rough' and is out to fix you!

 

What you need to focus on more than anything right now, your consistent, disciplined mental, physical and emotional self-care. Are you taking your meds even when you start feeling better? Are you in school? Do you have hobbies that give you pleasure, make you connected to yourself and others? Are you working to build a solid financial future? Do you take responsibility for your feelings and actions? Those are the things you need to focus on to be an attractive partner to her and any other amazing woman who comes along if this doesn't work out (because trust me on this, another really will).

 

And if you do get back together do not stop doing all the things you did to be worthy of her. And don't be surprised as you get healthier, she starts looking different to you. Your neediness and weakness might have actually been attractive to her to a point (she may need to feel more powerful), and your relationship might change with you acting truly healthy. Don't make her more important than your health -- that will be a bad thing for any future children.

 

Being happy in life is a huge gift to give yourself and anyone who gets involved with you. Women will line up for that.

 

Btw, that boyfriend that I was on the floor over? I ran into him 20 years later. He was married for 11 years, had a son, thriving career -- and told me his wife made him miserable and then hit on me looking at me like I was a piece of steak. What a loser. I dodged a serious bullet not marrying him. Keep your eye out on the long term!

[H3nk1]

A woman weighing in here.

 

My husband is a psych nurse practitioner. He's said the population most vulnerable to suicide are young men who are breaking out of their first romance -- just like you. Two reasons: guys your age are prone to impulse and tend to actually carry through on suicidal thoughts, and you don't get the same crucial emotional support women do in general, so bravo to you for reaching out -- that is following excellent survival instincts. I'm telling you this so you are assured that you are not going crazy, everything you're thinking and feeling probably a lot of people around you have gone through too (but don't like to remember!), it's a common human rite of passage. After my first boyfriend left me I sat on the floor for hours thankful the floor was strong enough to hold me up, I sure wasn't.

 

As for this situation, yes of course she still loves you. Feeling in love has nothing to do (unfortunately) with whether you are right for her as a life partner though. If you have had untreated depression, you were not a great choice for her or anyone and bravo for her for taking care of herself. She can't do that for you. The fact it matters to her is a good sign for the potential long term. Beware the woman who sees you as a 'diamond in the rough' and is out to fix you!

 

What you need to focus on more than anything right now, your consistent, disciplined mental, physical and emotional self-care. Are you taking your meds even when you start feeling better? Are you in school? Do you have hobbies that give you pleasure, make you connected to yourself and others? Are you working to build a solid financial future? Do you take responsibility for your feelings and actions? Those are the things you need to focus on to be an attractive partner to her and any other amazing woman who comes along if this doesn't work out (because trust me on this, another really will).

 

And if you do get back together do not stop doing all the things you did to be worthy of her. And don't be surprised as you get healthier, she starts looking different to you. Your neediness and weakness might have actually been attractive to her to a point (she may need to feel more powerful), and your relationship might change with you acting truly healthy. Don't make her more important than your health -- that will be a bad thing for any future children.

 

Being happy in life is a huge gift to give yourself and anyone who gets involved with you. Women will line up for that.

 

Btw, that boyfriend that I was on the floor over? I ran into him 20 years later. He was married for 11 years, had a son, thriving career -- and told me his wife made him miserable and then hit on me looking at me like I was a piece of steak. What a loser. I dodged a serious bullet not marrying him. Keep your eye out on the long term!

 

Wow. Thanks for a very warm and insightful reply!

 

The thing is that I have NEVER found joy in my intellectual endeavours. I always aced school but was bored. This was the same at university, regardless of what I studied. Ended up graduating from a top3 uni in the UK with great results. Had much work and organisational experience to boot, and landed a very prestigous job. From that I got into high level politics and consulting at a young age (working as an advisor). But I was always empty inside. In the end it is all intellectual / corporate / political...wankery. I despise alot of it.

 

I have tried Zen. I had quite a lot of therapy. I have read so many books on pretty heavy stuff (philosophy, fringe science, spirituality, critical theory e.g) to stimulate my brain.

 

The ONLY thing that has ever given me peace and calm was my love for this woman. People and feelings are important. School, work, small talk...is so empty to me. I want to grow with someone. Have a connection in a world and society I feel alien to.

 

Thus, as this is my reality, meaning and safety is very much interpersonal and human at a deeper level. And my ex was a loving and amazing person.

 

I know the above says alot about my messed up mind, issues and what not, but she and us was what gave me strength. I loved her so as everything she is and has ever been. As a beautiful human being. She saw me for me and loved me despite all my flaws. Until the autumn of 2013 when my family went to pieces, I got fired by a political sociopath and two days after taking up a home mortgage.

 

Luckily I remain financially secure.

 

2013 broke me, and she understandably could not take it anymore. I became a burden.

 

Needless to say, her leaving was so devastating I got to stare my baseline emotional well-being, depression and inner demons straight in the face for the first time in my life. Thus I have started on anti depressants, gotten a new doctor and therapist, and I will deal with this. I almost did not survive this blow, and I will NEVER allow this to happen again...

 

Thus I have an overwhelming sense of having to act, show and prove that I am really doing this now. I fear continuing NC for that reason.

 

I know how proud and determined she is, and I am afraid I pretty much CLOSED the door on her when I stated that she ought to stop contacting me indirectly through my brother. And I have previously been clear that the only contact I would accept is towards reconciliation.

 

More importantly though, when we met I asked her what she thought about getting together for coffe / drinks and perhaps casually dating each other going forward. She would very much like that. Yet, before I got up to leave I said that I could not do this because I would keep hope and stagnate. I was clear on that I had no wish to be together again before we had sorted things out for ourselves. I stated I would not take her back before she dealt with her own.

 

So yeah.. I have this fear having closed the door hard on her and perhaps even us. I want to walk with and alongside this girl... Today. I love her despite her issues, and I would be able to leave the past behind. I feel "waiting" to resove her / my issues is a false premise, and would take years. You are who you are...

 

I cannot really imagine her breaking down the doors I put up..

[H3nk1]

Sorry everyone, I caved after having dinner with my brother. He saw what a limbo-mess I was and we drafted and sent my ex this message:

 

"Hi X

 

Given all that was said between us on Friday, and the limbo state which arose (at least for me):

 

I told you I could not see you becaus you needed to deal with yours and me with mine. That is not what I really feel. I would like to see/date you. And we can deal with things respectively between our meetings.

 

The condition being that we are exclusive. Are you still open for this?"

 

So yeah. No answer yet. Not a good sign I guess. I do not know whether I will regret this or not... At least my heart is racing, and I have a bad feeling for the outcome. I expect but fear a clear NO even though she said differently when we met.

[H3nk1]

Short update:

 

Well, she called me. Being very glad, saying she was about to suggest the same thing. She was going to visit me on monday regardless of me making this first contact.

 

We talked for a few hours. It was a good, calm and grounded talk. We agreed to meet for dinner in a not too many days.

 

So...we will see how this story unfolds. It will be challenging for me to deal with my own, while taking things slow with her. Be that as it may, I really felt we were on the same page. And that is something at least.

[VeronicaRoss]

You were very brave to do that! And how cool of your brother to help out. And that she responded so well! Congrats -- Yay!

[goldfighter3]

I am so happy to hear things are going well. Just finished reading through your story and found it very inspirational. I think you should continue to keep things going slowly though! Do not rush into anything, its excellent that you'll both be exclusive, because it means you shouldn't feel the need to rush into anything too serious. Take it slow, keep working on yourself, and good luck! I wish my ex was as wonderful as this girl you've got

 

Short update:

 

Well, she called me. Being very glad, saying she was about to suggest the same thing. She was going to visit me on monday regardless of me making this first contact.

 

We talked for a few hours. It was a good, calm and grounded talk. We agreed to meet for dinner in a not too many days.

 

So...we will see how this story unfolds. It will be challenging for me to deal with my own, while taking things slow with her. Be that as it may, I really felt we were on the same page. And that is something at least.

[Frank13]

See how it worked out better without sending the first longer message?