PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I really need advice from both men and women. My man and I have been together over 3 years. We met online and had a friendship that blossomed into dating. He's always said that he can't believe a woman like me would give a man like him the time of day. I was afraid to be exclusive with him because he is much younger. But after a year of dating he told me he loved me. Not long after that he proposed! I made him wait a very long time for intimacy because I wanted to do everything right with him, plus he comes from an old-fashioned kinda family. So a year and a half ago we were engaged. He kept pushing the date back. He works out of town all week and we see each other every Saturday night when he comes home (we live separately). Last year was tough because I waited and waited for him to set a date and he kept pushing the dates back. We got into arguments, I nagged him, I asked him why he wasn't moving things forward? Meanwhile I paid off my credit card bills, am paying off my house, and we talked about him moving in with me. The more he pushed the wedding date further, the more stressed and insecure I felt. But our dates were wonderful, he's always been there for me, consistent, anything I needed or wanted he did for me, we had fun together, he did a lot of honey dos and repairs around my house, he pays for every date and outing, he takes care of me if I'm sick, he introduced me to his family (his parents LOVE me) and vice versa, and I thought things were going great! So he asks if we should have a civil ceremony over the holidays. I said yes! I saw his email inquiring about the civil ceremony. We went out and had a wonderful NYE. As always, he told me that I'm the best partner for him, I'm the love of his life, I'm the only woman for him forever, he already feels like I'm his wife, and that he would do ANYTHING for me. We got into a little argument the next day cause he had promised to come over, help out around the house, talk about the wedding jan. 2, but instead he went shopping. I got angry and he broke up with me!! I drove to his house, he said it's over, that he didn't love me anymore, but still wanted to be friends. I was like HUH???!!!!!!!! Who is this person now?! So I walked out and ignored him for 4 days I was so upset. He called and texted and came by my house, he wanted the engagement ring back, wanted me off his bank account, etc. he called 40-50 times in one hour! So I finally answered and he was angry, so I calmed him down. He asked if I needed closure. I said no. He asked if I had anything to say. I told him I was shocked, that I still loved him, wanted to try again in a healthy way, start all over, and asked him if he felt the same. He said yes, he still loves and missed me and wanted to restart the relationship all the way back to Day 1. I asked if that meant dating us, while dating others, and he said NO! NO! So we agreed to start over, we made email lists of our new relationship boundaries and rules. He asked me out to a very nice restaurant last Saturday night. When he picked me up he hugged me very tightly, was in years, said he loved me very much, he apologized profusely, said he wanted to make it up to me and earn back my love and respect. At the restaurant he told me he wanted to travel with me this year and get married this year. I was still hurting so I asked him if the break up was over another woman, if he was seeing someone else, if we should both see other people, be friends with benefits on the weekends, if we should bring another girl into a rel'p...in other words I was CALLING HIS BLUFF! I asked him every which way, trying to figure out what caused the break up (I don't believe that he broke up with me cause of my occasional nagging, I felt like there was more involved.) he started to get annoyed and said he wanted the whole package with me--physical, emotional, relationship, marriage. He asked me what i needed from him as far as improvements, and I said honesty and communication. So after trying to play devil's advocate I gave up and we had a wonderful night together. He came over the next day and finished some honey dos for me. I was so happy! I am crazy about him. Every time he and I go out, random people approach us and tell us we are the most beautiful couple and how in love he is with me! He sent me an email of a wine tour romantic getaway and asked me what I thought of it? I was over the moon happy! I assume he wants to take me. Meanwhile a friend of mine emails me 2 on-line dating profiles and says,"isn't this your fiancé?" She is on the same dating site. Yeah, it was him!! He has dating profiles up with pictures that WE took with my face cut off. From reading his ads, it's hard to tell if he's just messing around or seriously looking for someone else? He prefers older women, for whatever reason. It looks like he signed up for one of the dating site's speed dating nights as well (for older women, again!) I cannot imagine what is going on in his head! He has me--I'm very attractive, fit, have passions and hobbies and friends, feminine, playful, sweet, loyal, fun, exciting, adventurous (he tells me these things all the time). What more could he possibly be looking for?! I have asked him time and again if he is truly ready to commit and get married and he always says yes without hesitation. He has done A LOT for me. He buys me whatever I want, helps me when I need him, etc. I show him loads of appreciation and respect and am loyal and devoted to him. He's been so good to me and such a gentleman! Is he getting cold feet? Is he a player? A friend of mine didn't think he was a player cause he's kinda geeky, nerdy, shy, "not smooth with women." I am very shocked at this. I never expected this in a million years! Is he just trying to see if the grass is greener on the other side? Or is he looking for a "better deal" and will drop me if he finds one? I don't know what to do! He said we should start over to Day 1 by dating each other, no one else, taking it slower this time. So technically we can date others? But he said he's not interested in anyone else romantically. I don't want to confront him cause I want honesty. Is he going through a phase? Or is he looking to replace me quickly, and why?! Anyone have any ideas? My heart is broken and I'm so confused!
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 How old are you? And how MUCH younger than you is he, actually? This sounds like a man who clearly has no handle on his emotions, is extreme, and frankly, immature....On the face of it. He's either got mental issues (Bi-Polar) or he is just too mentally young to do this right now, and you should not marry him.... 1
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Thanks for replying. I'm not even thinking about the marriage right now. I'm wondering what he's doing?! And WHY?! We had a GREAT relationship. Is he doing this to hurry up and replace me? Is it cold feet? Is he just looking for sex on the side? Has he lost his mind?! I don't want to confront him. I'd rather he be honest. He still wants to see me, though, but now I wonder if he has cheated on me?
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 He pursued and courted me for a long time before I agreed to be serious with him. He was consistent. Now with this recent behavior, I can't make any sense of it and don't know what to do! Maybe he's thinking it's OK if we date others, however, he should have told me that, and not said we should only see each other.
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You still haven't told me how old you both are...... But the more you tell me, the more I question his maturity.
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 He's in his late 20s. We have a 19 year age difference. This is why I initially wanted to just be friends cause we had a lot of fun together. I have a colleague whose husband is 22 years younger and they have a child together and are happily married. When people see us together they don't see the age difference (I look much younger, he looks older than his age). I really need feed back on what's going on with him. I do believe he loves me very much, but maybe he has cold feet or hasn't experienced enough in his life? I did ask him about all of this, by the way, when I was playing Devil's Advocate, told him I'd let him go to play the field and leave his life forever and he kept saying NO! NO! I want the whole package with you!!
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 He signed up to meet older women, by the way. I don't get what that's about. I was never a "sugar mama" to him. We treated each other as peers and with respect.
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 He has these amazing trips planned for us this year--cave kayaking, zip lining, wine tours, hot air balloon rides--all the things I've been wanting to do! Am I the devoted wife to him while he has mistresses on the side, or what's this all about?!
Eau Claire Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 So after all this time he is quite actively out looking for a female partner What part of this is not sinking in? You are NOT the woman oh his dreams. You are a default partner until somebody better comes along. 'I don't want to confront him'....!!! Well, then the two of you are obviously not ready for any type of commitment after all this time. It''s mind boggling that women are scared to ask questions but at the same time have some illusion that getting married is fine. Why are you not asking him exactly why he is on a dating site and asking him exactly why he is seeking a certain type of woman? We know nothing of this fellow other than what you write. The problem is not his but yours. Why are you letting yourself be used like this?
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 You say I'm not the woman of his dreams. Then why did he propose. Why did he say he wants to marry me,this year? Why is he taking me on trips? Is it,cold feet? Is he thinking the grass is greener elsewhere?
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 He's just getting cold feet and realising frankly, that this isn't for him. Is the way I read it. hence his knee-jerk hysteria and change of mind-set..... I hate to say it, but simply because your work colleague has a successful relationship with a much younger partner, it sadly doesn't follow, that you will. And there's no reason why it should, either. he's being an immature jerk. You either work to be a monogamous couple and get counselling, or he can go multi-date all he likes. But he can do that as a single guy. Frankly, I'd salvage all my dignity in this and tell him to go back to the playground. 1
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I've already asked him if there was someone else, if he was out there looking, if he was wanting to play the field, I told him I would LET HIM GO. I even offered friends with benefits, dating other people while dating each other...just to see his reaction. He said NO! Each time.
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 "He's just getting cold feet and realising frankly, that this isn't for him" What isn't for him? Marriage with me? What do you mean exactly? I have given him plenty of opportunities to date others. It took him a very long time to get me to commit. Last Saturday I told him he could date others! we both could. Why did he keep saying NO! That he wants a relationship with me?!
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 For goodness' sake! You keep blocking advice with rationale....! You know what? none of it matters! Please get this through your head: This is not 'your man'. If he's thinking of dating other women, and has made moves in that direction - you have lost him already, because he doesn't care sufficiently about you to devote himself to making your relationship strong. Your options are limited. But I still say, ditch the boy. because this will not go well, or in your favour.
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I have to wonder if he is out looking for a relationship with someone else, a sex partner, or what...?!
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 He's treating you like his precious mum. When did you guys last have sex?
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 OK, ditch him forever...how? Confront him with all the ugliness, or just disappear??
almond Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Don't worry about why, worry about what. He's cheating. He has betrayed you. He is lying. Pushing back the wedding date repeatedly. Breaking up with you with no explanation and then taking you back. Kick his arse to the curb. You're way past this. It will continue to damage you if you keep on with it. This is not the man for you. Drop the dreams of a future and wedding with this guy. Go NC immediately, and move on to someone who knows who they are, and what they want.
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I have to wonder if he is out looking for a relationship with someone else, a sex partner, or what...?! Who cares??!? jeesh, ditch him - he is too much like hard work! you'll never be able to second-guess him, and all these questions are pointless! he's a waste of your time.
Author PleasantonGirl Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Last Saturday. What do you mean he's treating me like his precious mum? He's always telling me I have all the qualities he looks for in a wife.
Eau Claire Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I have to wonder if he is out looking for a relationship with someone else, a sex partner, or what...?! What's to wonder? He is. As for someone calling him a jerk....Again, we only getting one side of this and it is not a very rational side but some view that borders on self delusional. 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 OK, ditch him forever...how? Confront him with all the ugliness, or just disappear?? Short, sweet and to the point: "I'm sorry, I just don't know you any more. This is over. Go and do whatever you want. But please never contact me again." And then go No Contact. Don't drag it our, embellish, complicate. It's pointless, and just prolongs the agony. Swift cut, and go. 1
almond Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 He's always telling me I have all the qualities he looks for in a wife. Yet he dumps you and refuses to marry you? See sense, please. Tell him you know about his dating profile. Tell him you have had enough of his behaviour overall. Do not make a thing of it. Don't sit there and listen to his B.S. Be final. Tell him it is over, that you have all the explanation that you need, and immediately go NC.
mammasita Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 He's not going to tell you to your face. They never do. You can't play devils advocate in your own situation, what kind of sense does that make? My ex proposed to me when we had never spoken of marriage. He then turned around and said he was never in love with me. Doesn't make any sense, right? Stop trying to rationalize, he doesn't know what he wants.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I think he's not letting go because he hasn't yet found a replacement. Why are you not cutting him loose for all this?
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