Is it plausible?

[Penorsword]

My wife had a short affair with a co worker(6-8) from what I can tell. I have read all these text messages they sent to eavhother and some of it realy bothers me. They never actually said "I love you" to one another that I saw but there was a lot of stuff like I'm falling for you, and they talked about how they wished they had married one another instead.

 

My question for WS out there is this: my my now swears that she dident mean any of it. That it was all just some kind of fantasy and she never felt this way. Is this a player able story? Can anyone relate to this? I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would say these things without meaning them. But I have never had an affair either.

 

She very well could be lying to me. Lord knows she has done a lot of hat lately. I just wanted to hear from someone that might have experienced what she did.

[Bryanp]

She is in total damage control and believe that she can talk her way out of it. If the roles were reversed do you think that your wife would believe the things that she expects you to believe? If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Fluttershy]

It is very likely she didn't mean it and it was just to charge the emotions.

 

It is very likely she did mean it at the time but now looking back she realizes it was just an emptionaly charged fantasy and the words were hallow

 

It is very likely she meant it and means it now but doesn't want to lose you and so is saying what she thinks you want to hear.

 

None of us can tell you which it is. What she says you can't believe. Only time and her being introspective will prove which one is the truth (if you or she ever learn).

[TaraMaiden]

Fluttershy has given you three totally plausible and individually believable responses.

 

Tbh, I'm erring on the side of what people do and say when they're caught in the dizzy fantasy of a make-believe relationship that shouldn't really be happening.

 

Let me give this to you straight:

 

Something, between the two of you, was seriously messed-up and she sought comfort/fun/solace somewhere else.

 

Don't get me wrong: She's as guilty as hell, and that is her fault entirely.

 

But there was something in this liaison which provided a frisson in her life; something she was missing with you.

 

If you are intent on salvaging this relationship - and you BOTH have to be, 100% - Then you have to accept responsibility for your part in the omission.

You're BOTH responsible for the STATE of your relationship - 50/50.

 

It;s up to you how you go about this: hang in there, or cut loose.

 

But whichever way you go, while she is completely to blame, find out what made her do it in the first place.....

[tiredofitall2]

My wife had a short affair with a co worker(6-8) from what I can tell. I have read all these text messages they sent to eavhother and some of it realy bothers me. They never actually said "I love you" to one another that I saw but there was a lot of stuff like I'm falling for you, and they talked about how they wished they had married one another instead.

 

My question for WS out there is this: my my now swears that she dident mean any of it. That it was all just some kind of fantasy and she never felt this way. Is this a player able story? Can anyone relate to this? I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would say these things without meaning them. But I have never had an affair either.

 

She very well could be lying to me. Lord knows she has done a lot of hat lately. I just wanted to hear from someone that might have experienced what she did.

 

People in affairs mean what they say at the moment, but it is the chemicals in their brain speaking. Many wake up from the affair fog when busted and then regret everything. So you need to find out what is the extent of the A and make sure the is absolutely no contact with OM.

 

There are some additional things you must do, but one step at a time.

[whichwayisup]

My wife had a short affair with a co worker(6-8) from what I can tell. I have read all these text messages they sent to eavhother and some of it realy bothers me. They never actually said "I love you" to one another that I saw but there was a lot of stuff like I'm falling for you, and they talked about how they wished they had married one another instead.

 

My question for WS out there is this: my my now swears that she dident mean any of it. That it was all just some kind of fantasy and she never felt this way. Is this a player able story? Can anyone relate to this? I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would say these things without meaning them. But I have never had an affair either.

 

She very well could be lying to me. Lord knows she has done a lot of hat lately. I just wanted to hear from someone that might have experienced what she did.

 

Yes she could be lying. But, let's put this in it's context - She's had an affair and what she feels for OM is not her loving him, it's about how he made HER feel. It's selfish love based on an affair setting, fantasy and fun, future faking (meant in the heat of the moment but knows she can get out of due to being married and claiming she didn't really intend or mean it after all, got caught up in the moment) and dreamy and not real...not real in the sense of it being long lasting love and worth fighting for,and a strong glue that holds a couple together, which is why MOST get thrown under the bus, reality check aka dday wakes them up and that love they felt behind closed doors in secret disappears so quickly and what's left is addictive feelings that an A brings out, and the image of who she's built him up to be in her head, fantasy etc, is hard to let go of. Mind is a powerful thing!

 

if she is really remorseful and it's heart felt, is wanting to make amends, prove herself to you and is willing to do everything it takes to gain your trust again, then give her that chance. NC with OM, counseling together and apart, and of course she has to be an open book.

Edited January 15, 2014 by whichwayisup

[Penorsword]

Yes she could be lying. But, let's put this in it's context - She's had an affair and what she feels for OM is not her loving him, it's about how he made HER feel. It's selfish love based on an affair setting, fantasy and fun, future faking (meant in the heat of the moment but knows she can get out of due to being married and claiming she didn't really intend or mean it after all, got caught up in the moment) and dreamy and not real...not real in the sense of it being long lasting love and worth fighting for,and a strong glue that holds a couple together, which is why MOST get thrown under the bus, reality check aka dday wakes them up and that love they felt behind closed doors in secret disappears so quickly and what's left is addictive feelings that an A brings out, and the image of who she's built him up to be in her head, fantasy etc, is hard to let go of. Mind is a powerful thing!

 

if she is really remorseful and it's heart felt, is wanting to make amends, prove herself to you and is willing to do everything it takes to gain your trust again, then give her that chance. NC with OM, counseling together and apart, and of course she has to be an open book.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond with such a well thought out post whichway. I will do my best to remember this in the future.

[dichotomy]

What and when was the last communication she had with him? Did she break it off - say NC?

 

Just curious.

[ZMM]

You asked WSs what they thought.

 

I think it depends on her and what she is like. Personally, I wouldn't say those things if I didn't mean them.

 

That being said, it doesn't mean she still feels that way and it doesn't mean that she wasn't just fantasizing, especially the part about wishing they had married each other.

 

Who knows, she might not even know for sure.

 

I guess by (6-8), you mean they had sex 6 to 8 times. That seems like more the issue than what they said to each other in a text message.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The "wish we had married each other" stuff was the whole point of the affair for your wife - she missed that emotional intensity of a new romance and that's what fueled the whole thing from her end. The sex followed from that. If she really felt that way she wouldn't have ended it on her own and you'd be getting a divorce right now. She didn't give it much thought - she just went with it because she liked the way it made her feel. It was about her, not about the guy. This guy was nothing special, he just caught her at the right time.

 

She may have been confused for awhile, I don't think she was looking for it, but I don't think she was closed off enough from the attentions of another man the way you were closed off to the attention of other woman. He started telling her things she liked to hear and she reciprocated.

 

Fantasy is the wrong word, it was real, but it was like a pleasant diversion. She didn't think of you much at all until it started to get more serious, then she ended it.

[harrybrown]

Has she quit her job or is she looking for a different job?

 

Has she gone NC with the OM?

 

At the time she may have meant what she said, but now that she is caught, she is trying to CYA.

 

Look at her actions. Is she sorry she got caught or sorry for how she hurt you?

[Penorsword]

Mickey that is almost exactly what she says to me as far just enjoying the attention and more or less going with the flow.

 

To answer others questions the 6-8 I wrote was supposed to mean weeks. That's how long this lasted before she met him in his hotel room. She says that they made out(3rd base ish) and that she stopped it and ended the affair shortly after this. They talked for about a week after the hotel room, and then it ended. With just an occasional text up until d-day which was about a month later. At which point she has gone NC. Aside from the fact that she has to sometimes sleek to him on the phone at work.

 

 

Mickey if I may ask you say fantasy isent the correct word. She said the same thing but is unable to come up with a better substitute. Do you think you could elaborate for me?

Edited January 15, 2014 by Penorsword

[thummper]

My wife had a short affair with a co worker(6-8) from what I can tell. I have read all these text messages they sent to eavhother and some of it realy bothers me. They never actually said "I love you" to one another that I saw but there was a lot of stuff like I'm falling for you, and they talked about how they wished they had married one another instead.

 

My question for WS out there is this: my my now swears that she dident mean any of it. That it was all just some kind of fantasy and she never felt this way. Is this a player able story? Can anyone relate to this? I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would say these things without meaning them. But I have never had an affair either.

 

She very well could be lying to me. Lord knows she has done a lot of hat lately. I just wanted to hear from someone that might have experienced what she did.

 

 

Oh, sure she didn't! If you believe that, there's a bridge in Brooklyn for sale.

[ZMM]

To answer others questions the 6-8 I wrote was supposed to mean weeks. That's how long this lasted before she met him in his hotel room. She says that they made out(3rd base ish) and that she stopped it and ended the affair shortly after this.

 

That's a lot better than how I interpreted it. She actually stopped it before she went through with intercourse. She obviously realized it was something she didn't want to do.

[whichwayisup]

You tell her she needs an STD test (you should get one too). Ask her one more time to come clean, and you'll respect her more if she tells the truth even if it hurts you. Rather you know if she really did have sex (not fooling around or oral sex, penetration sex) than find out on your own.

[Spark1111]

You tell her she needs an STD test (you should get one too). Ask her one more time to come clean, and you'll respect her more if she tells the truth even if it hurts you. Rather you know if she really did have sex (not fooling around or oral sex, penetration sex) than find out on your own.

 

You can get STDs from oral sex. Just get tested, both of you, ok?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Mickey that is almost exactly what she says to me as far just enjoying the attention and more or less going with the flow.

 

Mickey if I may ask you say fantasy isent the correct word. She said the same thing but is unable to come up with a better substitute. Do you think you could elaborate for me?

 

Cheaters are very predictable. There a few different types, and once you know the type, you can pretty much predict what happened and why, and also what will happen next. If you think about it, a lot of human behavior is predictable like that. That said, your wife has followed a cheater script to the T.

 

You fell in love, got married, had a baby, all in fairly short order, you were happy, she was happy. Well, at least she thought she was happy.

 

You both thought you were the types who would never cheat; in fact, your wife probably despises cheaters (or used to), probably always made a negative comment whenever she found out someone was cheating, even celebrities on the news.

 

Then here comes this guy at work. Very low key, married, not aggressive, not a threat, just work-friendly. Likes the way your wife looks. He's attracted to her. Over time, he starts to make little comments - look at krazikat's thread "It's Raining (MM) Men" (except krazikat shuts them down - your wife did not). So the other guy starts complimenting her personality, her clothes, her appearance - nothing too over-the-top, if you aren't sensitive to affairs and how they start it just seems like people being nice to each other, except that if you really think about it, guys don't compliment other guys on their appearance, or personality, etc. So it's not just "friendly." It's something more. That's how it progressed.

 

Your wife is thinking of this guy as Mr. Married With Kids Safe Guy Not a Threat, but she looks forward to him coming around (why wouldn't she, he always has something nice to say to her, who doesn't like to be told how good they look or how nice of a person they are?). She starts complimenting him back, telling him how nice he looks, what a nice person he is - a regular mutual admiration club with only two members. People in the office definitely start to notice, especially some of the women she works with. Most of the women she works with know she has the hots for him, and your wife feels very, very special because out of all the other women he could stop by and talk to and flirt with, he picks your wife. It makes your wife feel good about herself that she is the prettiest girl in the office, the one that guys gravitate toward. Guys judge themselves against other guys on how good they are at sports, women judge themselves against other women on how attractive they are. Just look at the ads on television.

 

Not only does the romantic/sexual content start to increase, but the frequency of contact increases, so eventually they are texting each other every day, maybe she sends a text to him first thing when she wakes up every morning to say good morning sweetie have a nice day and last thing when she goes to bed each night to say sweet dreams sweetie good night sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite (in the messages you read, did you notice how juvenile their communications became? like two young high school kids?) At this point, your wife has become the pursuer - she is initiating most of the contact.

 

I figure the guy really was primarily in it for the sexual content and usually pushed the conversation in that direction and your wife was more focused on the "do you think you would have married me if we had met before I met my husband and you met your wife?" type of stuff. THIS TYPE OF STUFF WAS MISSING FROM YOUR MARRIAGE - you used to talk to each other like this, now you are more settled, have finances to worry about, a baby to wake up with and feed and change, two careers, child care, house, cars, parents, siblings - your wife didn't know she was missing it until the other guy started to give it to her.

 

Your wife did a lot of things to show me that she wasn't really that into this guy, and that she wasn't thinking of you much at all (which is good, because if the cheater is thinking about you while cheating, it is negative thoughts about you). The main thing was that she didn't delete all her messages and hide her affair properly. It shows that she got caught up in it and didn't think about it too much. It became a guilty pleasure for her. She knew it was wrong, but she never really intended to leave you. It probably was something that, everyday, she would say to herself, I have to end this before I get caught. I'll end this tomorrow. It feels too good today.

 

Meanwhile, this guy is trying to escalate. He NEVER tells your wife if there is no sex, I'm out, but your wife is not stupid. She knows the minute she tells this guy there is no sex, he's out. She's not lying when she tells him those things about wanting to be married to him. She is in a messed up place at that point, thinking, it would be nice if I could be married to my husband with my baby at home and my perfect family and have an alternate life where I could be married to this guy who makes me feel the way I used to feel with my husband.

 

So, it's not a fantasy, it's really happening, but it's like death - you know it's going to happen, it's real, but it doesn't seem real to you TODAY. She is telling this guy she wants to be with him, AND SHE MEANS IT, but she is making no plans to leave you. She is just enjoying the status quo of the affair.

 

It was like an alternate reality. A double life. A compartment in her head. You were in one compartment, this guy was in the other. She really liked both compartments. For a lot of reasons, she ended it and chose you. Looking back, she doesn't feel like she ever was going to leave you for him, but while it was going on, especially toward the end, I am guessing that she had her doubts, she had her moments of confusion when she considered leaving you for him, but that's all she did was consider it.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

the 6-8 I wrote was supposed to mean weeks. That's how long this lasted before she met him in his hotel room. She says that they made out(3rd base ish) and that she stopped it and ended the affair shortly after this. They talked for about a week after the hotel room, and then it ended. With just an occasional text up until d-day which was about a month later. At which point she has gone NC. Aside from the fact that she has to sometimes sleek to him on the phone at work.

 

You are going to be able to reconcile, your wife is doing mostly the right things, the affair is over, but she still isn't telling you the whole truth.

 

I doubt that it was just one time and I doubt that they didn't have sex. Theoretically possible, but not very likely. If I were a betting man, I'd also take some action on it lasting much longer than 6-8 weeks.

 

Just the fact that she is telling you "6-8 weeks" is a bad sign. She should be able to tell you exacatly how many weeks it lasted, not give a range, like "6-8 weeks." She knows exactly when it started and how long it lasted. This was a big deal to her, and it's not far enough in the past for her to forget. "6-8" weeks is the type of range a liar gives you when they don't want to tell you it really was seven and a half months.

 

One of the other giveaways is that she told you that she went to the hotel to meet other man but DID NOT EXPECT THERE TO BE ANY SEX INVOLVED AT THE HOTEL. It would be more believable if she told you she went there for sex but then backed out, realizing she couldn't go through with it. But that's not her story. Her story is that she went to the hotel, but didn't expect to have sex. Unless your wife just fell off the turnip truck, she knows darn well the whole point of going to a hotel with a man you are sexting with, sending naked pictures to, and telling you wish you were married to, is to have sex, to seal the deal.

 

The most likely scenario is that this thing went on about twice as long or more as she confessed and that they made out in their cars in some parking lots somewhere a bunch of times, maybe had sex in the car, and decided to splurge for a hotel.

 

Maybe she isn't telling you the whole truth because she sees the hurt in your eyes and can't stand to be the one to twist the knife one more time. Maybe in her head she is not a cheater with you if you believe they stopped short of full on sex. Maybe she's just too ashamed of herself to admit it, that she had unprotected sex and risked pregnancy and STDs.

 

In the end, I guess it doesn't matter as long as the affair is over and she does what you need her to do in order to heal, and she doesn't screw up again. What you know is bad enough, it probably wouldn't change your mind about trying to reconcile if you knew the full truth.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Cheaters are very predictable. There a few different types, and once you know the type, you can pretty much predict what happened and why, and also what will happen next. If you think about it, a lot of human behavior is predictable like that. That said, your wife has followed a cheater script to the T.

 

You fell in love, got married, had a baby, all in fairly short order, you were happy, she was happy. Well, at least she thought she was happy.

 

You both thought you were the types who would never cheat; in fact, your wife probably despises cheaters (or used to), probably always made a negative comment whenever she found out someone was cheating, even celebrities on the news.

 

Then here comes this guy at work. Very low key, married, not aggressive, not a threat, just work-friendly. Likes the way your wife looks. He's attracted to her. Over time, he starts to make little comments - look at krazikat's thread "It's Raining (MM) Men" (except krazikat shuts them down - your wife did not). So the other guy starts complimenting her personality, her clothes, her appearance - nothing too over-the-top, if you aren't sensitive to affairs and how they start it just seems like people being nice to each other, except that if you really think about it, guys don't compliment other guys on their appearance, or personality, etc. So it's not just "friendly." It's something more. That's how it progressed.

 

Your wife is thinking of this guy as Mr. Married With Kids Safe Guy Not a Threat, but she looks forward to him coming around (why wouldn't she, he always has something nice to say to her, who doesn't like to be told how good they look or how nice of a person they are?). She starts complimenting him back, telling him how nice he looks, what a nice person he is - a regular mutual admiration club with only two members. People in the office definitely start to notice, especially some of the women she works with. Most of the women she works with know she has the hots for him, and your wife feels very, very special because out of all the other women he could stop by and talk to and flirt with, he picks your wife. It makes your wife feel good about herself that she is the prettiest girl in the office, the one that guys gravitate toward. Guys judge themselves against other guys on how good they are at sports, women judge themselves against other women on how attractive they are. Just look at the ads on television.

 

Not only does the romantic/sexual content start to increase, but the frequency of contact increases, so eventually they are texting each other every day, maybe she sends a text to him first thing when she wakes up every morning to say good morning sweetie have a nice day and last thing when she goes to bed each night to say sweet dreams sweetie good night sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite (in the messages you read, did you notice how juvenile their communications became? like two young high school kids?) At this point, your wife has become the pursuer - she is initiating most of the contact.

 

I figure the guy really was primarily in it for the sexual content and usually pushed the conversation in that direction and your wife was more focused on the "do you think you would have married me if we had met before I met my husband and you met your wife?" type of stuff. THIS TYPE OF STUFF WAS MISSING FROM YOUR MARRIAGE - you used to talk to each other like this, now you are more settled, have finances to worry about, a baby to wake up with and feed and change, two careers, child care, house, cars, parents, siblings - your wife didn't know she was missing it until the other guy started to give it to her.

 

Your wife did a lot of things to show me that she wasn't really that into this guy, and that she wasn't thinking of you much at all (which is good, because if the cheater is thinking about you while cheating, it is negative thoughts about you). The main thing was that she didn't delete all her messages and hide her affair properly. It shows that she got caught up in it and didn't think about it too much. It became a guilty pleasure for her. She knew it was wrong, but she never really intended to leave you. It probably was something that, everyday, she would say to herself, I have to end this before I get caught. I'll end this tomorrow. It feels too good today.

 

Meanwhile, this guy is trying to escalate. He NEVER tells your wife if there is no sex, I'm out, but your wife is not stupid. She knows the minute she tells this guy there is no sex, he's out. She's not lying when she tells him those things about wanting to be married to him. She is in a messed up place at that point, thinking, it would be nice if I could be married to my husband with my baby at home and my perfect family and have an alternate life where I could be married to this guy who makes me feel the way I used to feel with my husband.

 

So, it's not a fantasy, it's really happening, but it's like death - you know it's going to happen, it's real, but it doesn't seem real to you TODAY. She is telling this guy she wants to be with him, AND SHE MEANS IT, but she is making no plans to leave you. She is just enjoying the status quo of the affair.

 

It was like an alternate reality. A double life. A compartment in her head. You were in one compartment, this guy was in the other. She really liked both compartments. For a lot of reasons, she ended it and chose you. Looking back, she doesn't feel like she ever was going to leave you for him, but while it was going on, especially toward the end, I am guessing that she had her doubts, she had her moments of confusion when she considered leaving you for him, but that's all she did was consider it.

 

Yep. My wife's affair followed the same screenplay with a few minor edits.

[Penorsword]

Micky thank you soo much for taking the time to give me such a thorough reply.i think you realy hit the nail on the head with your response. What you describe is very very close to what my wife tells me. Although she swears that she never meant any of the things she said to him.

 

I tend to believe the timeline because the phone records and text messages support that. He lives all the way across the country and only flys in to their main headquarters once every few months. I was able to confirm with the company that he had only been in town once for two days between when they started contacting eavhother and when I found out.

 

I have a very diffact time believing that she dident think anything was going to happen at the hotel room, but I did see text messages of her telling him that nothing was actually going to happen, and that they were just playing.

 

The first day he was in town was when she went to the hotel room, he was also in town the next day and he looked up where we live and showed up at my house unannounced. My wife got mad and told him to leave. ( I worked evenings at the time if you were wondering where I was)

 

After that they sexted one more time and my wife says that it dident feel the same anymore so she ended it. Supported by phone records.

[Just_AGuy]

Dont guess - plant a bug and find out.

[road]

That's a lot better than how I interpreted it. She actually stopped it before she went through with intercourse. She obviously realized it was something she didn't want to do.

 

 

 

WW always down play what they did in bed. OP, you want the truth you need to polygraph your WW.

 

 

Also you can start all the new threads that you want you can not escape being asked then told your WW must have NC with the OM. Yet you still let them work together.

 

 

Too many times this is how affair restart.

[bubbaganoosh]

Do this. Take her for a polygraph test. let her know that this is how you will get what you need. The truth.

 

If she agrees, then fine, but if she gives you an excuse or refuses, then you know there's more to the story and she's lying. Then you have your options.

 

Don't tell her when, just get her in the car and when you get to you destination, let her know that it's for her to take the test. At least you'll find out if she's on the level with you about this.

[road]

Do this. Take her for a polygraph test. let her know that this is how you will get what you need. The truth.

 

If she agrees, then fine, but if she gives you an excuse or refuses, then you know there's more to the story and she's lying. Then you have your options.

 

Don't tell her when, just get her in the car and when you get to you destination, let her know that it's for her to take the test. At least you'll find out if she's on the level with you about this.

 

 

 

Wrong do tell her. Standard reaction for a WW to tell the truth just before the appointment. Unfortunately it can just be more trickle truth. So you tell her thank you and the test it still on to confirm that you now have the truth.

[road]

you have no need to know the details

 

 

 

Wrong.

 

 

It is always the BS's right to determine their need for the truth. For unanswered questions will haunt the BS forever.