Waiting to get caught

[GatsbyMH]

So, a brief back history,

 

I was married up until October. My marriage ended because it was just a bad marriage. My ex-wife never found out about my affair with my best friend. My ex and I divorced and now are friends. My ex has even said that my best friend and I should be together if only she weren't married! Ha!

 

My affair partner and I have been known each other for 7 years and have been in our present emotional and physical relationship for over two years now.

 

Last year both her marriage and my own imploded on nearly the same day. Mine crashed and burned quick but she wanted to try and stay around for the kids in her marriage. Plus whatever her other reasons have been. She wanted to prove she tried marriage counseling and all that. Plus her family is very antidivorce.

 

She wants to be with me and knows she will be one day. She wants to spend as much time with her kids until things just don't last any longer.

 

My fear is that this could take years. She says it won't but she won't give me a timeline because she has before and when it came and went and nothing changed, I was devastated. I nearly ended it because of it.

 

So, now I am waiting for her/us to get caught. I won't do anything to sabotage her marriage or out us. We meet weekly at my house for some intimate time. Otherwise we work together and sneak off in the afternoons on the rare time we can to just be together.

 

Here is the thing, I'm still friends with her at work and her husband knows we have feelings for each other. She asked him once if she could have sex with both of us (separately) but he said no...lol. Go figure. She's told him she thinks I'm her soulmate and the other half of her. He has checked her phone records and seen we talk all the time. He has read texts that we've sent to each other saying we love each other. She convinced him it was just a weak moment and we don't feel that way anymore.

 

So, now about her. She locks her phone but keeps plenty of incriminating texts and photos on it. She has a thumb drive in her purse full of emails, chats, pictures and stories we've written each other. She has, in their bedroom, a small chest full of cards I've given her (and not BFF cards either), she has hotel receipts and other tokens of love I've given her. She accidentally sent him an "I miss you" related pin on Pinterest that she meant to send to me.

 

With all these things she does wrong or is careless about I just think it's a matter of time before we are caught. She only spends a little time out during the week where he doesn't know where she is, she's with me. He knows where I live. Wouldn't take a genius to put it all together...

 

I don't want us to get caught just for her sake and her husband honestly. He's not a bad guy, she just doesn't love him like he wants her to. Getting caught won't affect me too much. My ex might get bent out of shape but I couldn't care less at this point. It would just be way harder on her and her family.

 

I dunno. I just want to get our life started. We wanted to have a child together at some point but if it takes too many much time we may never have a child together.

 

I think her husband is in denial. He would rather think she's cheating and staying with him than confronting the situation and losing her entirely.

 

I just want it over with. I'm so tired of lying. So tired of missing her and being jealous all the time. I just wish he would go into her purse just once! Dang it!

 

- GatsbyMH

[almond]

I read your post, and parts of it were quite telling.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't be hoping for dday to come so soon. You seem so confident that you'll ride off into the sunset together, but she may very well throw you under the bus and go NC once you're caught. Her husband may not leave her, and she may not leave him either.

[GatsbyMH]

I read your post, and parts of it were quite telling.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't be hoping for dday to come so soon. You seem so confident that you'll ride off into the sunset together, but she may very well throw you under the bus and go NC once you're caught. Her husband may not leave her, and she may not leave him either.

 

I am fairly confident that she won't throw me under the bus. I believe she does love me and will be with me one day. She says she hates the life she lives now. Trying to be with her kids while keeping him at a subtle distance. Sex once or twice a month with him and she dreads it. And yes, I believe her when she says she hates sex with him.

 

Even if she did throw me under the bus, it would hurt like so much hell. I know it would. But at least I could move on. I could start living my life and not worry anymore about so uncertain of a future. With the way I feel about her, I just have to have hope things will work out. I've given myself a tentative timeline that if things don't change by, I will have a long talk with her and maybe split then. But as for now, I'm fairly sure and hopeful that things will work out the way we both want.

[whichwayisup]

I read your post, and parts of it were quite telling.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't be hoping for dday to come so soon. You seem so confident that you'll ride off into the sunset together, but she may very well throw you under the bus and go NC once you're caught. Her husband may not leave her, and she may not leave him either.

 

If anything, he 'stumbles' across stuff and they have a D-Day. You get thrown under the bus so fast and she makes it out to be that you're the one chasing her and won't leave her alone, she'll deny and minimize, then BEG her husband for forgiveness. All the meanwhile still trying to keep you in her life....

 

This woman has no courage or backbone to tell the truth. She'd rather get caught.

 

Trust me, if she really wanted to divorce, she would, regardless of you, her family being anti divorce..

[whichwayisup]

I am fairly confident that she won't throw me under the bus. I believe she does love me and will be with me one day. She says she hates the life she lives now. Trying to be with her kids while keeping him at a subtle distance. Sex once or twice a month with him and she dreads it. And yes, I believe her when she says she hates sex with him.

 

Even if she did throw me under the bus, it would hurt like so much hell. I know it would. But at least I could move on. I could start living my life and not worry anymore about so uncertain of a future. With the way I feel about her, I just have to have hope things will work out. I've given myself a tentative timeline that if things don't change by, I will have a long talk with her and maybe split then. But as for now, I'm fairly sure and hopeful that things will work out the way we both want.

 

Yet she is trying to fix her marriage (yes that includes sex, she's not going to tell you the truth about that, why would she? All that would do is upset you). She is "living life" with her husband and family. If she was THAT miserable, and hated her life, hated sex with her husband should would leave. She is lying and omitting truths to you just like she is lying to her husband. if you believe all that she tells you, then you're in a world of hurt when the Dday does happen.

 

My suggestion is, end it and tell her to contact you when she's officially divorced, then 'date' her in a proper way. You only know her now in an affair setting, not out in open. The glue that holds you together may not be strong enough for her to leave and start a new life with you.

[violet1]

I am fairly confident that she won't throw me under the bus. I believe she does love me and will be with me one day. She says she hates the life she lives now. Trying to be with her kids while keeping him at a subtle distance. Sex once or twice a month with him and she dreads it. And yes, I believe her when she says she hates sex with him.

 

Even if she did throw me under the bus, it would hurt like so much hell. I know it would. But at least I could move on. I could start living my life and not worry anymore about so uncertain of a future. With the way I feel about her, I just have to have hope things will work out. I've given myself a tentative timeline that if things don't change by, I will have a long talk with her and maybe split then. But as for now, I'm fairly sure and hopeful that things will work out the way we both want.

Oh OP, I'm afraid you're going to get your heart broken. She may be in love with you, but that might not be enough to end her marriage. I suggest you get strict with a timeline unless you want to spend years waiting for her. Don't think for one minute that she might not throw you under the bus. Everything changes when D Day comes. I think leaving messages and pictures on her phone for her H to see is very careless of her. Also, if she does have a D Day and her kids find out, they will hate you. It will make things very difficult for you transitioning to their step father. I think you need to pull your emotions aside for a minute and look at things realistically. If she already didn't meet one timeline, what makes you think she'll follow through on another one? Guard your heart because to me it's sounds like she's full of fear. Seriously, why would she leave if she knows she has you to fill in the gaps of her unhappy marriage? You keep her sexually/emotionally satisified and she gets to see her kiddos every single day. Think about it OP, you took action and left your marriage, she did not. This speaks volumes!!

Edited January 14, 2014 by violet1

[SugarHibiscus]

I am in a similar situation. I love my AP, but I am not ready to leave my husband yet. He wants a timeline but is upset when I tell him I can't leave for at least five years. He wants an answer but is frustrated by my realistic response. He, of course, wants it to be sooner.

 

I think that my AP is my soul mate and I love him. There is no doubt in my mind but life is messy. My H and I have small children. I am financially dependent on him. My AP loves my kids and claims that he will support us. I just can't take that leap of faith with him right now.

 

I don't know if this is helpful to you, but I wanted to let you know that even if she does love you it doesn't sound like she's ready to fully commit to your relationship. Even though I love my AP, if I had to make a decision, I would choose my H.

 

It seems to me like she is overly reckless. With everything I said above, I'm still very careful about deleting evidence and NEVER keep anything in the house that incriminates us. (Even though I want to.) He on the other hand is not as careful. Seems like your AP might want to get caught.

 

What do I know? I'm a fool for love.

[Realist3]

I have to agree with what everyone above has said. It is just not 'there' for her right now, maybe never.

 

I'm not 'there' right now. When both parties are married there is an equilibrium in the relationship. When that is changed(divorce), it changes everything.

 

Since you are unhappy with the current situation as it prevents itself, I would try and move on until she is 'there'. You can have a deadline for yourself, but to impose one on her is pretty much undermining to any relationship. You are making a dictate, which is based on what you want, not her.

 

I wish you luck, but it sounds like it is time to move on, at least for the time being.

[peaksandvalleys]

I read your post, and parts of it were quite telling.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't be hoping for dday to come so soon. You seem so confident that you'll ride off into the sunset together, but she may very well throw you under the bus and go NC once you're caught. Her husband may not leave her, and she may not leave him either.

 

 

I have to agree with you. I would bet money that if your D-day were like the one my ex and his ow experienced you wouldn't want it to come too soon. But hey, maybe you will get your wish. You never know. Do it yourself. Set things in motion.

[RickFox]

I am fairly confident that she won't throw me under the bus. I believe she does love me and will be with me one day. She says she hates the life she lives now. Trying to be with her kids while keeping him at a subtle distance. Sex once or twice a month with him and she dreads it. And yes, I believe her when she says she hates sex with him.

 

Even if she did throw me under the bus, it would hurt like so much hell. I know it would. But at least I could move on. I could start living my life and not worry anymore about so uncertain of a future. With the way I feel about her, I just have to have hope things will work out. I've given myself a tentative timeline that if things don't change by, I will have a long talk with her and maybe split then. But as for now, I'm fairly sure and hopeful that things will work out the way we both want.

 

when she does throw you under the bus you won't move on like you think you will. you aren't her first choice..... women are so much more different than men.

[ZMM]

women are so much more different than men.

 

That's definitely true, but all women aren't the same either.

[Spark1111]

I think you should start dating.

 

What are you waiting for? You are divorced now right?

 

Just do it. Women with children get divorced every day. She has no intention of it now, or later.

 

If she was serious about you, seems to me she would have started her own proceedings when you started your D.

 

She did not. Sorry, that speaks volumes. She may think she loves you, but not enough to leave him and be with you full-time.....not now, maybe not ever.

 

Move on. Start dating.

[gettingstrong]

I am a Single OW. My AP has asked "Do you think I should tell her?" Honestly, I wanted to say "YES!! YES!! YES!! Please tell her" but realistically, I feel I cannot say that. At the end of the day, you must look at what you feel most comfortable with. Every situation is different. And if your A is like mine, it changes day to day, almost minute to minute. I guess that's why everyone always says it feels like a rollercoaster. Hugs... it's so hard.

[Realist3]

The OP's sentiment, and situation resembles my own greatest fear.

 

One party gets divorced. They become restless in their new found freedom, as opposed to the constraints of the A. In all irony, the affair may have ended the marriage, and the divorce may have ended the affair. (Not talking about exit affairs.)

[Aspasia33]

I think this is a lot of us in this situations greatest fear....But also remember, people aren't replaceable, what makes you love and want to be with one person cant just be swapped to anyone.

 

The OP's sentiment, and situation resembles my own greatest fear.

 

One party gets divorced. They become restless in their new found freedom, as opposed to the constraints of the A. In all irony, the affair may have ended the marriage, and the divorce may have ended the affair. (Not talking about exit affairs.)

[Aspasia33]

This is a difficult situation..and i really feel for you. however as a MW, it sounds to me like she is trying to prepare her husband for you and her being together in the future by the things she says, maybe in a strange sort of way trying to warn him?

My husband knows that my MM and i are friends, this may sound starnge, but I love my husband, have a really good friendship with him, and it feels strange keeping things from him? So maybe i am subconsciously trying to tell him something..my husband also does not seem to suspect(actually I think he does, but doesn't want to loose me)

 

Ideally, you want your MW to make the desion to be with you on her own, not through a dady..i think with her actions she is preparing for it?

 

I would tell her that you are unhappy with what is going on, ask her blunty what she intends to do, tell her you will wait a certain amount of time before you move on, and stick to it.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

So, a brief back history,

 

I was married up until October. My marriage ended because it was just a bad marriage. My ex-wife never found out about my affair with my best friend. My ex and I divorced and now are friends. My ex has even said that my best friend and I should be together if only she weren't married! Ha!

 

My affair partner and I have been known each other for 7 years and have been in our present emotional and physical relationship for over two years now.

 

Last year both her marriage and my own imploded on nearly the same day. Mine crashed and burned quick but she wanted to try and stay around for the kids in her marriage. Plus whatever her other reasons have been. She wanted to prove she tried marriage counseling and all that. Plus her family is very antidivorce.

 

She wants to be with me and knows she will be one day. She wants to spend as much time with her kids until things just don't last any longer.

 

My fear is that this could take years. She says it won't but she won't give me a timeline because she has before and when it came and went and nothing changed, I was devastated. I nearly ended it because of it.

 

So, now I am waiting for her/us to get caught. I won't do anything to sabotage her marriage or out us. We meet weekly at my house for some intimate time. Otherwise we work together and sneak off in the afternoons on the rare time we can to just be together.

 

Here is the thing, I'm still friends with her at work and her husband knows we have feelings for each other. She asked him once if she could have sex with both of us (separately) but he said no...lol. Go figure. She's told him she thinks I'm her soulmate and the other half of her. He has checked her phone records and seen we talk all the time. He has read texts that we've sent to each other saying we love each other. She convinced him it was just a weak moment and we don't feel that way anymore.

 

So, now about her. She locks her phone but keeps plenty of incriminating texts and photos on it. She has a thumb drive in her purse full of emails, chats, pictures and stories we've written each other. She has, in their bedroom, a small chest full of cards I've given her (and not BFF cards either), she has hotel receipts and other tokens of love I've given her. She accidentally sent him an "I miss you" related pin on Pinterest that she meant to send to me.

 

With all these things she does wrong or is careless about I just think it's a matter of time before we are caught. She only spends a little time out during the week where he doesn't know where she is, she's with me. He knows where I live. Wouldn't take a genius to put it all together...

 

I don't want us to get caught just for her sake and her husband honestly. He's not a bad guy, she just doesn't love him like he wants her to. Getting caught won't affect me too much. My ex might get bent out of shape but I couldn't care less at this point. It would just be way harder on her and her family.

 

I dunno. I just want to get our life started. We wanted to have a child together at some point but if it takes too many much time we may never have a child together.

 

I think her husband is in denial. He would rather think she's cheating and staying with him than confronting the situation and losing her entirely.

 

I just want it over with. I'm so tired of lying. So tired of missing her and being jealous all the time. I just wish he would go into her purse just once! Dang it!

 

- GatsbyMH

[Aspasia33]

maybe she is getting her finances in order? organising another house, thinking of where the kids will go to school? She sounds to me like she is getting her ducks in a row, and a woman that lothes making love with her husband doesnt sound that in love to me.

Shes not willing to let the life she has at the monet go, that doesnt mean she loves her husband.

Sounds to me that "loosing" her husband will set her free, which is what Gatsby is worried about. The freedom of not having to pretend you desire someone is pretty liberating:laugh:

 

You need to look in the mirror. She lies to him when he asks about you and the possibility of an A because she doesn't want to leave. She won't give you a timeline because she doesn't want to leave. She tells you she wants to wait "a little longer" because she doesn't want to leave. She may want to leave eventually, but that time is not now. Right now, she's doing everything she can to maintain the status quo.

 

If she is forced to choose, she will choose him. She claims she's not in love with her husband, but she's not willing to let him go. There is unresolved emotional business between them... and that business is most likely love. She just won't realize it until the very moment she's faced with the reality of losing him.

[Aspasia33]

Doesn't sound like an alpha male to me..his wife says she desires another man, thinks hes her soulmate, he knows she loves him, and he ignores it??????

 

sounds like a guy whom is scared stiff if he brings something up, she will say" yep, im in love with gatsby, im leaving you" and he does not want to deal with that.

 

he sounds pretty frightened to me. if hes not alpha now, he never will be. And maybe thats why gatsbys OW is staying? as she sees him (her husband) as weak, and is worried about him? just speculating BTW, unlike others here, I am not the word of God with the absolute answers.

 

I don't think this one will come back to OP after she gets caught. IMO, her behavior sounds like a cry for attention from her H. When he eventually finds out, she's going to be so turned on by his 'alpha' behavior and desire to reclaim her that she'll be happy for a long while.[/quote]

[Aspasia33]

No, some of us woman are dealing with things outside the affair,(the same as the MM is) money, business family, and realize also that it is actually more cruel to just say Fyou to the spouses we actually love, who we dont hate, but know that we do not have the relationship we wont. And we try and be honest with our affair partners also. I too am not leaving my marriage for my MM, for many reasons.

 

That's definitely true, but all women aren't the same either.

[trailrunner1975]

Ex MM here.... (and by my choice).......

Where you are now seems so close to a happy ending for you two. BUT. You will most likely be where you are for years to come. She will always find a reason why she can't pull tthe trigger right now whiile you wait and wait. That single, smart, and sexy redhead that you just met? You let her walk away as you wait for your "soulmate" to do what she says she will. Time waits for no one and it is ticking away. Setting and sticking to my own internal timeline was the best thing I did concerning my A. When she missed a step, I said nothing but mentally checked it off the list and let the clock run. I did everything I told her I would do so I expected the same from her.

 

Turns out she was full of it and so I went NC....

And the Beat Goes On........

[Iguanna]

In situations where you are stuck in the middle, without the ability to move forwards or backwards, just go left or right. Let her go. State that you can't be the third person any longer and that you give her X amount of time to reveal things to her husband or else you will do it yourself. If she truly loves you and intends to get a divorce, she will accept this and try to make it happen. If you are just someone to pass her time while she keeps her family, she will react badly to that and you will have your answer: she will never take a divorce. After all you want answers more than anything, you can't pause your life forever. Do not let her manipulate you by sex. Do not meet her until she fixes things, and in the meanwhile do some things for yourself, have fun with friends, get some hobby etc. I know this sounds hard to do now cause you will miss her, but only by taking things to the edge will she show her true feelings and intentions.

[trailrunner1975]

Appropriate screen name by the way- Gatsby. I see your story ending much the same way. Good luck!

[violet1]

The OP's sentiment, and situation resembles my own greatest fear.

 

One party gets divorced. They become restless in their new found freedom, as opposed to the constraints of the A. In all irony, the affair may have ended the marriage, and the divorce may have ended the affair. (Not talking about exit affairs.)

 

I've been on various forums and I've read about so many affairs ending because one party gets divorced. It's a big factor in ending my A. I want to divorce my H and my exMOM tried convincing me go to marriage counseling to make my M manageable so we could continue on with our A. He wasn't ready to leave his M and didnt want me to be ready either.

 

OP, I think you should consider dating other women. Until your MW makes an effort to leave, don't throw all your eggs in one basket.

Edited January 16, 2014 by violet1

[GatsbyMH]

I had to take a break from these forums a while back because they can be simply toxic. I understand and appreciate that most everyone thinks that there is no end in sight and I'm a love sick fool who just sitting around pining for her, and I am a bit.. lol. Hasn't changed much here.

 

I am well aware that things could go badly for me. I think about it daily. But I do trust this woman. She tells me EVERYTHING. I have never ever once caught her in a lie to me. And I do get suspicious when I'm jealous. We were friends and best friends (not even a hint of anything more) for 5 years. We know each other very well. When she says she isn't happy with him, I believe her. She says she lays like a corpse in bed so he can do his 5 minutes of sex with her and I believe her.

 

As I said, he's not a bad guy. She said she settled and had doubts about him on her wedding day. He is just a kid in a mans body that has no real "alpha" in him. She asks him to be rough with her, he giggles and says that he doesn't know how. She wants a strong man who knows how to control her when she wants to be controlled.

 

The main point of this thread was to talk about getting caught. We don't want to get caught but with as careless as she is, I think we will be.

 

As another poster said, she is getting her ducks in a row. Yes, she is doing just that. Paying off debt to be as debt free as possible so when things transition she has less to contend with. As much as I'd like for her to drop everything and run to me, unless we get caught, that just won't happen.

 

We see each other almost every day. We talk via text or phone calls all the time. Despite the things she's told her husband in the past about me (wants to have sex with me, soulmate, other half of her) she has spent sometime convincing him that I'm not a threat to him. That their marriage isn't suffering due to me being around, it's their own problems causing it.

 

So, when the time comes that she leaves him (and yes, I really believe she will) she doesn't want to run straight to me because that looks way obvious huh? After a few months we will start dating. Once they are divorced, etc.

 

We both talked it over years ago, before we ever got romantically involved that we both felt our marriages would end one day. We never talked about being together then. Things just changed. We made a promise that if our marriages ever ended simply because they weren't working we would try to be together then. Of course things got complicated more and more as she fought with him and I fought with mine, we looked to each other for comfort and then... things happened.

 

Point being I can't believe we haven't been caught yet. lol.

[Realist3]

I've been on various forums and I've read about so many affairs ending because one party gets divorced. It's a big factor in ending my A. I want to divorce my H and my exMOM tried convincing me go to marriage counseling to make my M manageable so we could continue on with our A. He wasn't ready to leave his M and didnt want me to be ready either.

 

OP, I think you should consider dating other women. Until your MW makes an effort to leave, don't throw all your eggs in one basket.

 

 

I think he should as well. If he and the AP were meant to be together they will be. At the same time, it is difficult to know you are more than likely ending it for good.